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If you are suffering from depression, and snore, please ask your doctor for a sleep apnea test. Or if you just snore, as it can have long term effects that build slowly. This is not a cure. Depression can have MANY causes, and I'm not touting any snake oil easy card. But recent experiences for both Nikki and I have given me some new knowledge about the links between depression and the damage sleep apnea can do to you, and the difference for both of our cases has been astronomical since we started using the cpap machines. Yes, it can suck a little with the thing on your face, but the benefits have really been dramatic. And the physical issues I was chasing around with the doctor aren't heart disease at all, it was the damage the lack of oxygen long term at night was doing to my body and we've both gotten varying degrees of physical improvements also. And surprisingly after a few weeks it's broken my insomnia, another thing I learned can be apnea caused. If you're lucky you're not a mouth breaker like me, and can just get this little strap thingy that just covers your nose (like Nikki has), but I have to wear a plastic mask thingy that covers both my nose and mouth. If you do test and get a positive, it's a little wierd with the wall of air hitting you in the face at first and I had this urge to breath hard in response, but I got used to it after a week and started breathing like a normal person instead of a drowning one. I don't know if I'm just weird or there is a biological reaction going on there. Sometimes sleep apnea is misdiagnosed as depression. Sometimes depression is misdiagnosed as sleep apnea. And in a great many cases the two conditions intertwine and make each other worse. SO I wanted to share this with as many people as I can. Again, it's not a magic cure, and not instant, but I think we should always try to improve our quality of life. And I'm absolutely NOT saying do this not therapy/medication/whatever else you use, just get checked to make sure this isn't a side issue that is doing damage to both body and mind also. I'm just sharing for those who might also have been living in my mess and equally not aware of it can maybe get an improvement to help their current care. I think Nikki got more depression help and I got more physical help, but we both got some of each in the end.

Even though she tells me otherwise, I can see in my wife's eyes that she wants out so she can find a "real man". I think the only reason she stays with me is because of my disability. She feels like she has to take care of me or something. I wish I didn't have to put her through this, and that I could give her what she wants. Sometimes I feel like I should de-transition and go back to being him. Give her what she needs. She needs a man. I don't want to lose her, so if I have to take the blow then fine. I just don't know where to go on this. I'll do whatever it takes to keep her and make her happy. Even if it means I'm miserable. She is more important. And if the only thing that could make her happy is leaving me, I wouldn't be here for long afterwards. I have always felt nothing but self loathing. But now with what I'm putting her through, it's multiplied exponentially. Sometimes, I think I should just CTB so she is free to find what she wants. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn. I would see a therapist, but there are no LGBTQ+ friendly therapists within 2 hours of me. I'm just empty. I feel numb. Soul less. Broken. Lost. Where do I send my mind from here before it's as broken as my heart is?