Cyrsti

As I write this post, I wonder how many different directions it can go. You know I don't often jump into the cat fight between the transsexual and transgendered camps. I don't have time for the bitterness. Speaking of bitterness I surfed across a blog that one of you may have seen. Of course I can't seem to back track to where I saw or read it. The main point of the transgendered woman's post was disagreeing with a "gold star" transsexual view of basically the rest of us poor transgendered "wanna be" women. The definition of a "gold star" transsexual is a person who assumes the female gender and is absolutely gorgeous. (basically) Since I fall into the category of the poor downtrodden transgender "wanna be", I started to think of how I really felt about the situation. I know no matter how long I try and how many hormones I take I will never achieve the "gold star" status. I feel so very fortunate to be able just to interact in the world as a female as much as I do. Also, when I read or hear a "gold star" put herself up on a lofty pedestal, I always believe somewhere in their male past they always wanted to be really good at something. That something just happened to be a beautiful looking female. Maybe they are just are the best looking guy in the room. (I've told you in the past I knew someone like that.) That is just me playing in both sides mud hole and I'm moving on. Life is too short for their petty arguments. The discussion does raise other personal questions however. As I have posted in the past, I really wonder where my "internal transition" fits with either group. In response I asked my therapist what she thought. What did she think about my recent subconscious feminine reactions to movies, music. language etc. Obviously without hormones. My psychologist brought up the "gender cube". Basically, the cube lists nearly 30 different sexual/gender combinations from "straight hetero male" to whatever. When I bypassed the transgendered categories altogether and identified with a masculine feminine female; she simply said I had been burying my true self. My inside self just had never had the need to transition. Just being open to who I really am (I realized) was transitioning without hormones. By now, you are wondering what point am I trying to make. Since I am not planning on any radical surgery, will the "gold stars" ever accept me as much of a woman as they are? (Even though I am feeling more and more as one?) How many of them are still really just guys who became enamored with the pretty girl in the mirror and simply went for more? Better yet...who cares? I guess sometimes I do!

I was looking over some of my posts last year before Halloween. Here is one: Or is it really you in your Halloween costume? Well girl, it is almost Halloween. The time of year for transgender and real sisters alike to strut their stuff. It's our Christmas, New Year and Thanksgiving all rolled up into one glorious weekend. At the least, you can hit more than one party! It's the party where the women are jealous of your legs, hair and makeup, and by the way, where did you learn to walk in those heels? Who did do your makeup? It's the party where your guy friends either shy away from you or to you after a few adult beverages. How innocent is it when they run a hand up your nylon covered leg? That's you isn't it? The witch in the low cut dress. Hanging with Count Dracula your golfing buddy? Will he ever look at you quite the same again after a few beers in the clubhouse? The fun part is, you have so many ways to attend a Halloween party. You can wear a fun, sexy comfortable female costume or slut it up and go as a hooker. Remember girlfriends, those heels are very unforgiving after awhile and that short skirt becomes very difficult to be ladylike in all evening. Especially if you happen to get buzzed.(Yes, I've tried it) OR learn from Le Anne's example (she is a follower here) She dazzled a party by attending as a Hollywood starlet. Everyone was amazed by her look and how she presented as a woman. To LeAnne however she wasn't dressed in a costume. She was just dressed up! I paraphrased much of her comment but she makes an excellent point. Your big party night can be a coming out bash for the girl in you. Beware though, once you let her out and the compliments start rolling in-you may never be able to shut her in again. Finally, be careful of thinking you are one heavenly creature and go to WalMart the next day in the same clothes.No one will be impressed with you in the heels and the mini trying to look like "Lady Gaga"! Instead, take the compliments and build your confidence. Remember though, many of them are saying you make a great looking woman...for a guy. But that's OK! That's when the fun starts.

Along the way through our gender journey some of us have identified as a transvestite, transgender or a transsexual person. For most of us the trip has been a very lonely one. Many have longed for a friend or a mentor to help along the way. Most of you I communicate with still are looking for a magical transgender mentor. For the most part, I don't think she exists in the traditional sense. I was lucky. I did reach out to a few women who did help me. One actually made me up once but then sold me out later. The others were actually more of mental role models whose constant input centered around the true female realities. In essence I was experiencing the female positives and living none of the negatives. A true mentor is hard to find. In fact I think more and more genetic women suffer from lack of mentors. They are female of course but not women. A topic for another post. The magical mentor who can transport to your chosen gender is in reality yourself. Sure a woman can apply your makeup and as you fall in love with your new beautiful face (especially if the woman who applied it is in a relationship with you) the dynamics can change radically. All of a sudden, you could become competition or you become reality. All of the talking and planning is behind both of you and your girl self is in front of her. In some of our cases (me) I loved what I saw and pushed my mentor for more and more. She was a very strong person (deceased) and kept pushing me into her world. Perhaps you have read one of my older posts "You Make A Terrible Woman". Her entire point was I was looking the part but so what? I had no understanding of what reality was as a woman. At that point I became my own mentor. I observed and became a student of a feminine life. Sure, I can never experience the problems of a monthly period or the agony and ecstasy of child birth but I can express my female self on my own terms. Perhaps you are one of the very few who a genetic female has taken by the hand and guided along the feminine gender path. Congratulations! For the rest of us, get going girls. Do what genetic women have always done. Deal with life the best you can and make it yours.

On the way down the hall with my psychologist, she spoke briefly of the strides transgendered vets such as I have started to make in good old "conservative" Ohio. Some of the other professionals at the center it seems are starting to "reach out" to other gender experts in the community for advice. She also mentioned some of the directives within the VA and the military itself concerning gay and transgendered vets as positive changes. Then added she hoped the new thinking would continue. However, I have mentioned she said no doctor in this clinic would consider dispensing hormones but there could be other altrnatives she was checking into. When and if any of these alternatives actually materialize, I will pass them along. In the meantime, I'm happy to be able to help any other transgendered sisters or brothers walk through the same doors I did. By all indications there haven't been many or any before me. I'm sure all of us know trangendered men and women seem to always be the last to benefit from advances; after the gay and lesbian community. We have to work harder to make more of our opportunities. The most important point she made is we all have to keep these doors open to make the most of the future.

Or I could title this post "You Can't Always Get What You Want...But If You Try Sometimes You Get What You Need!' Today I did. I got my recommendation letter from my psychologist to begin female hormone therapy! I tried, I wanted and I got what I needed. Wow! As recently as a couple of years ago the path I'm taking seemed like an impossible dream. Perhaps a dream I didn't want to pursue. As pieces of paper go this is a very big one in my life. This paper ranks up there with the college diploma and such. As I leaned over her shoulder to look at the letter on the computer, several of the most beautiful pronouns in the English language jumped out at me. The pronoun of course was she. The sentence went something like this: Cyrsti is in a transitory period and I have been seeing her for the past several months. She is interested in hormone therapy to continue her transition. Several hours later when my feet touched the ground again I began to think this was just the beginning...again. From the first time I slid my Mom's hose over my legs and squeezed into her bra to this point in my life was one giant twisting journey. Doesn't seem possible but I'm doing it again!

This post is actually a rewrite from a summer time piece. It reflects how life is an ever changing process. The first time I heard "Bob Seger's Hollywood Nights", I knew exactly how he felt. The lyrics: "He knew right then he was too far from home. He was too far from home." burnt a hole right through me. In your life I'm sure you've been on some very slippery slopes. Relationships, family or job issues made you feel you were sliding towards a very steep cliff. I was there, on that cliff (with Seger) looking down on the lights of a big city. I'm a Midwestern boy too, but I went to New York City, not L.A. Did you fall off your cliff and lose a spouse, a family or a job? I fell off my cliff too and lost my gender. I know many of you have always known you were just that-a girl or a boy. Many of us however, did not have that luxury. I went through the first 30 years or so of my life fighting and then giving in to my female urges. During that time in my life, I was afraid to lose touch with my male side. My female side was scary but wonderfully euphoric and exciting. NYC, of course proved to be the perfect cliff for her to jump off of. Making the whole decision terrifying was a beloved spouse and an "Alpha" male side who had his fun moments too. . Within two months however, I experienced two defining moments that would set my life on a female path forever. The first was a trans "mixer" of sorts I attended on Long Island . The real lady at the door wouldn't let me in until I proved I was a guy. "No single real women allowed!" The second was a Halloween party I attended with a couple friends at work. It just so happened that one of them had two other tall female friends that were dressed as exotic as me! What an evening! I knew then, I could never go home-even if I did move back to the Midwest. I didn't want too! A couple years later I did move back to the Midwest but the cliff moved with me. Yes, I'm still falling -as I'm sure many of you are too! Good luck with your cliff! I finally found there is a girl at the bottom waiting for me. You know, she resembles me a lot! I hope you have someone waiting for you too!

Unless you live in a cave, or with me in a box under a bridge-you probably haven't missed the transgender news in several areas. Transgender youth are making headlines as homecoming queens or kings in their chosen gender. The latest story comes out of Texas where transgender student "Andy Moreno" was nominated for homecoming queen by friends. When the school principal said no-Moreno protested. Rightfully so! Transgender political candidates are stepping onto the political stage. One of the races in Oklahoma, pitts transgender candidate "Brittany Novotny" against an ultra conservative opponent. Being a resident of the Midwest, all of this has not been lost on me. This activity is NOT taking place in NYC or San Fransisco. All of this news represents a true "Gender Quake" in middle America-in society. As a public transgender person the "Quake" helps me tremendously. Finally transgender folk have better public roles models other than "Jerry Springer" and slasher movies. People have an easier time seeing me as a real person. Of course, in the midst of all of this you have in fighting in our own transgender group. A genetic female friend of my mine sent me to Calpernia Adams website and was confused by the lengthy negative discussion of our own. http://www.calpernia.com/ Basically the argument boils down to a cat fight between girls who have lived more life as girls to those who haven't and should any of us "cuddle up" to the male gay movement. Unfortunately, I was involved in nearly the same discussion in an on-line transgender site. It was prolonged and ugly as me without.makeup. It seems the more life improves for us in the public-the worse it gets with our own? Shame on us! Some of this proves again "You can put the girl in a man-but you can't take the man out of the girl." I'm sure Andy Moreno could speak to the fact that being a girl is so much more than looking like one. Sure you can spend thousands to change your body to beautiful, but you can't spend any money to improve your soul! Or all we bringing out the worst in women as former men?

Just Say Something? In all my years hanging out in bars with the guys or alone as a guy-there were several times when I felt I wanted to approach a girl that was sitting close to me. I have always been a reasonably shy person,plus my transgender background usually played a role. Would the woman even want me to approach? I really don't like pushy guys and I expect most women don't either. Usually, I took the easy way out. I kept ordering drinks to build my confidence to talk to her...and she left. I'm fairly certain the same thing happened to me tonite. I was finishing up my evening at a favorite pub watching the baseball playoffs About halfway through the game, a guy grabbed the stool next to me and ordered the nightly beer special. As the innings progressed, I noticed he switched to mixed drinks and was ordering when I was. Then-I left. I will never know if he was "tracking" a transgendered "Cougar" or if the whole situation was a just part of my imagination. Maybe that's the best part!

As fall and October get ready to make their appearance (already has where I live) there are so many things to consider! I already bought a pair of new fall boots that I managed to fall in last night in front of a bunch of people. I know what your thinking! The boots were not the four inch stiletto style. Still had a heel of course but not enough to go down!!!! Just a little sore in the body and very sore in the ego department! But girl friends it's almost the magical time of the year called Halloween! If you've got that fun Halloween story, feel free to share it here! I have mixed emotions about the day now. Since I'm out so much, I can't attend a party with friends. There is too much of a chance that they have seen me! But some of the bigger parties at venue's in the area are too much fun to pass up. I went to a big outdoor event last year and just kind of hung out and watched the crowd. I pretty much just went as female. No real costume. This year it might be fun to head out to one of the big straight clubs..haven't decided yet! Halloween was my first high heeled step out of the closet. It very much has a near and dear place in my heart! I dressed as a hooker years ago and went to a party with friends and ended up telling them it was more than a costume to me! Two rules, however-don't expect to win a contest unless you are dressed as a female character. (not just as a girl) Sarah Palen comes to mind. Rule two is don't expect to present easily as female! People are really looking at each other! Then again you may not want to on Halloween! Don't know what delicious trouble you could get into! Trick or Treat!

If I can quote "Bob Seger's Hollywood Nights" tune-"he knew right then he was too far from home. He was too far from home." Then relate it to losing your male identity, I would. Wait! I just did! The reason I did quote the song (basically about a beautiful California blond and a Midwestern boy lost in her charms) is that I remember defining moments when I didn't want to go back home to my male self. I know many of you girls have always known you were just that-a girl. Many of us however, did not have that luxury. I went through the first 30 years or so of my life fighting and giving in to my female urges. I knew I could never go home happened to me when this Midwestern boy moved to the NYC area. Within two months, I enjoyed two defining moments that would set my life on a female path. The first was a trans "mixer" of sorts I attended on Long Island . The real lady at the door wouldn't let me in until I proved I was a guy. "No single real women allowed!" The second was a Halloween party I attended with a couple friends at work. It just so happened that one of them had two other tall female friends that were dressed as sleazy as me! To this day I remember walking across an intersection in a mini dress and heels WITH 3 other real females. What an evening! The girls insisted I dance with them and even a couple of their boyfriends. I knew then, I could never go home-even if I did move back to the Midwest. If I was a betting girl (not) I bet you girls have defining moments too! I welcome any stories you might have, when you knew you could never go home! http://cyrstiscondo-cyrsti.blogspot.com/

The other day, I overheard a conversation from a mother accepting a personal phone call at work. (Against the rules.) She explained it away by saying she was going through a divorce and it was her 10 year old son calling. The boy, it seems was a little nervous being alone after dark. Of course I flashed back to my youth and thought how much hell I could raise in the extra time alone. No way I'm calling them! Did that make me any more of a boy than this kid? Was I more of a male because I couldn't wait to get my license and a car? Today, it seems it's not a huge priority for guys. We all know the answer-no it didn't make me more of a boy. But I still wonder if the vast amount of single females raising boys- opens the door just a little more for boys to explore feminine things? What's a Mom to say if her son comes home and wants a manicure and pedicure so he can win a "womanless" beauty pageant? Mom's thinking-what's the harm and Dad's not there anyhow to go WHAT? Plus, we all know there would never be a revenge factor in a messy divorce! Here Dad-isn't your son so pretty? BUT: OK, girlfriends this is how I really feel. We are either destined to be female at birth (true transsexuals) or we are exposed later in life to something that leads to a transgendered experience. Society has finally advanced to a point where all of this is more acceptable. In my generation, being alone as a boy at the age of ten was OK. I had my parameters and if I screwed up-I paid. If I was a girl of ten that would have never happened. So, I'm glad gender lines are blurring. It's no secret, younger females are beating the boys in most everything except major sports and the guys do make the prettiest girls in gay bars! (And some beauty pageants!) The lesson in all of this? I need to quit eavesdropping on other people's conversations!