PlagueBubonic

I know this is not a positive post, I feel like putting a *** under my chin and........ Poof ...Vanish...Who would really care???? I could not measure up to my mothers expectation for being her little girl; which got me beat and thrown out of the house. I can not measure to my own expectations either. People tell me I'm a freak.. other people at church have called me he /she devil. I even feel that the demons in my head tell me, I can't measure up either. I guess this stems from looking in the mirror, the reflection I see back is not one I like; that's why I cannot measure up to being a real woman. I know I was not born that way; I'm just tired of feeling so bad. Sometimes I call this Pinocchio syndrome; he wanted to be a real little boy but he was a puppet. I wanna be a real woman................ I guess a better name for it is, want to be. Maybe I shouldn't write this at all, however I know I am not alone on my feelings. I know I shouldn't feel bad for myself; but I do. There's a song I listened to in one verse it says, " the best dreams I've ever had are the ones I'm dying in." Sometimes I feel like these artists can see inside my soul. I really don't wanna be this bleu. But something has really thrown me into a stupor, and I just can't take the negative talk anymore. Tired of not measuring up. I'm tired of building myself up; just to be torn down. Since I believe in talking it out instead of acting it out; that's why I wrote this. So if I read it I'll try to make sense out of my own thoughts.

My feeling exactly Ms.Brenda Day Thank you!

Really sometimes I believe that we get gifts in the form of people. These are very special gifts, and their one's to be cherished not exploited. Sometimes we don't see the gift that a person truly is; theres only one thing to say then, shame on us! Yes, it is true some people are very mean spirited; on the other hand, some people are very kind, and loving. Discerning, this quilty is it's up to us, the person receiving gift, to open it, to appreciate it, and most of all to take care of it, for they are truly a treasure. My grandfather once said, " if you have one real friend in your life you are truly a rich person." I must be a millionaire; I don't mean to boast; what I realy mean to say is I have three wonderful people in my life, and I love them dearly. I would even take it to the extreme to say," I would die for them!" I try, very hard to let them know how much I love them,need them,and feel about them! I can only hope they know my true feeling for them?? I know for a friendship to work, one has to understand that it is a two way street. ie. It's give, and take; that's the way I found it works a true relationship . The reason I'm writing this is because, I never really trusted people fully. I guess you could say, I had trust issues; I was kind of antisocial; shame on me! I probably had more friends then I realized, I just let them slip away; shame.. on... me! So hopefully, someone when they read this, may view their friend a little differently. Or, maybe not that's all up to them. This part of my blog is really something about me, about my discovery. I know we can all learn from each other. Each day has its own challenges however, we don't have to face those alone if, we have special people in our life that truly care for us. the choice is up to us; not to someone eles. Good or bad we have to live with our choices, thats life. I would like to put a note of caution in here; please understand some people for some unknown reason may not like you very much. Bee careful when you open yourself up they could hurt very badly. When you meet a person like this my advice is, just move on! Life is to short, and too precious to be caught up with a person that does not care for you, much if at all! That is what my life experances have tought me...yours could vary. This is strictly my opinion....I'm no expert on this stuff. All righty then...hope you all have a great holyday, and get everything you want/need!! Peace Out >^.^<

Ms. Stephani.P thank you for comment. I think it is just part of paying my womanly dues.....Just hate being told one thing by my doctors and I do them, and then the list gets longer. Just give me the whole stinking list. I don't understand their thinking?? O well ... thanks you...your very sweet!!

So true Ms. Stephani P.... I believe to be cautious about some situations. They could take a ugly turn unexpectedly. Thanx sweetie

Thats a good out look on things. thank you Ms. Stephani.P

I'm mad as hell and I ain't going to take this CRAP!!!! I going to spew venom right now.....and it may upset you to read, so stop right here please. However this is how I feel and I need a place to release my frustration!!! What hell is wrong with medical system; everything has to have a dollar attached to it!!! They say, "I care" I say, "Bull S**T!!!" Ya right, if you are someone rich, or famous maybe than the conversation would be like this "O..O....O just have a seat and I'll listen to you doesn't matter about time"...."NO BIGGY!!!" But If you just a common person; then the conversation is, "how much money do you have in the bank?" DOESENT ANYBODY CARE????? Am I asking for to much???? I feel like you stupid, STUPID GIRL!!! Well it doesn't take long for this girl to wise up, and this woman is putting her foot down! I mean really do women who need estrogen do they, need a psychiatrist, therapist, and a support group?? Really!!! I don't think so; so what is the point let's rip off the transgender people?? That's OK because now this woman is going to execute planning A! I mean my goodness they're backing this cat into a corner!! I know I'm a woman trapped in a man's body,but give a gal a break...Please Anyway I don't want to get redundant. A womans' got to do what a womans' gotta do!! I will fix this mess some how!!

Exactly Ms. Dainna we defnitely need to talk things out in stead of acting things out. Who knows we may even make a friend by doing so! thank you Peace Out >^.^<

Today I found it interesting I finally think I've gone crazy.....seriously!! I used to get so upset at people who would call me names. Today I was at the grocery store and these two guys called me a FAG!!!(sorry for the use of that word.) I didn't even look at them I just started to laugh......out loud......I didn't even care.. This is not my usual response. Usually I go off on somebody who called me anything. However, these two guys just stood there and than; one of them said,"what's so funny?" I told them what you called me and I said,"it is a funny term for someone who is transgender." The one young man looked at the other and said, "whats a transgender?" the other guy said,"I learned about that in college." So we satrted to talk and as we did they found out I'm A HUMAN BEING just like them. Here is where I got stunned....They apologized, and thought I was pretty cool! All this started because I laughed at my self! Now I will try to show with words what started me to laugh out loud. they called me a Fag= gay=happy that's all it took for me to start to laugh. that's what I thought of!....LOL with me. So today I learned to laugh at my self and not take things soooo serious; unless it needs to be taken that way!! I feels pretty good just to laugh again.

Yes, Ms. Lori I believe self discovery is very important to one's emotional growth!!

so very true Ms.Dainna!!

Today started out not so good; first thing in the morning I got frustrated with myself! I couldnot find a dam thing GRRRRRR than thing got worse from that point! I went for my walk and almost fell flat on face,thank goodness I didnot,but I did through my back out!!! However bad the pain was I kept walking, and get more angery untill I thought about how am I going to handle this junk. I know this is going to read strange, but I let my femininity take my thought process over ....when I finally did this; something I thought I couldnot do happend I ....give up the fight, and let the frustration go. It was odd, I just started to calm down. Then half way around the park I started to feel better, and begain to enjoy me walk My goodness in fact the day turned out pretty good! Got a lot of things done and found what it was I was looking for too. This showed me that if I continue to stay clam as posable, my day may turn around 180 degrees. Before, I would have been upset all day long and never got a thing done execpt being more pist! I enjoy my jounery toward woman hood is getting fun! Please understand this is what worked for me, maybe it could work for you, and maybe not everyone different in the matter of mood changes.

Yes I agree with you ! You think That a self proclamed Christian would act more like Jesus Christ ....I know That he would pray for Mr.Michael's recovery not his death......This kind of stuff makes me feel very sad!!! thanx Ms. Dainna for sharing the artical. Peace Out >^.^<

Yes friends did you know there's different types?? Well there is one type builds up a peson's self-esteem, and the other destroys it! this not my opinion it is a fact. There's two ways to look at criticism. The first way is to feel hurt and rejection. Which makes you say to your self.. O you B=brat you want to tell me how to do this, or how I should act ,or look. The other way is Wow, this person cares enough to help me to grow!! Yep that right,if i did care for somebody I would not say a word. However, some people are very sanative to what is said that's why when you criticize a person do it with caution. This way the point your trying to make is not lost, and you don't hurt the other person. O yes that leads me to make this point If I ignore you Is that better than criticizing you. I think the first point is worse than the second point. I know if I did not love someone I would not say a word. thats why take the criticizem and embrace it, and it most definntly help you to grow. Why do I write this because, it took 45 years to understand this point and now I want to share what I have learned.

Ms.Lori that's the point I was trying to get across glad you got it! Just because I'm a woman does not mean I'm promiscuous. The person in that truck thought I was... I guess? Don't know why I was only in work out clothes......nothing flashy,or trashy...LOL However, I hope by weaving this post and wonderful comments made in this blog; if one puts it together it may help someone.That's what it is all about...HELP!=LEARN! and staying safe, making smart chose's Peace Out

I'm going to start this part of the blog with a scenario........I'll tell you if it is true later. Suppose you like to walk in the public park, at around 6:30-7:00am and someone in a car pulls in front of you and starts to make a spspspspsps sound at you. What would you do? How would you react? How scared would you be? I can't think of anymore questions to ask myself even though there are more. Alright I tell you this is true; happend twice to me two days in a row. I becoming a little concerned. I put this in here so you could my thinking; I have many choices some good and some not so good. What I decided to do is walk some where else it is a big park. Of course I have every right to keep walking there..... right....... Wrong,this is my point, find the easy path and get on it, yes I could stay there and he could have a gun,or knife, and be on drugs too. We all need to look for this path at times especially if danger is lurking around.If you get that funny feeling in your stomach I would listen to it and have. When you see most smart people; they take the easy path and I have learned from watch them. Stay safe never sorry........be in good spirit...let love rein supreme in you life and peace out.

If you, whoever you might be start to read this, please read "bump in the road first." So this part of the story will make more sense to you. Thank you. Hope, is a funny thing and she can make you go loony looking for her however hard she to maybe to find don't stopping looking. I know how hard she is to find from personal experance, and I almost gave in and up to hunt for her. However, I'm sure glad I didnot, for God answered my prayers!!! I have a real friend......she know who she is and maybe another one as well; this means the world to me. I was looking in the wrong direction; that is all that was wrong. In between the the hunt and find, I had time to soul search;I found out I'm impetuous,incorrigible,and in need of acceptance by others. this I know leaves me venerable to hurt, and to feel emotional pain which in my case is worse than the physical pain; I can take that kind of pain all day long, and do. So that is why I need to write this in my blog to make sure that someone who is just about ready to give up and in says to them self hay if she could do it I can too. Please, know this as well if you need a friend, and I'm sitll alive I will be their for you...... just find me. I promise I will never intentionally hurt you............Here I go with the mushy part again! O yes I have to put this in here; If the other woman ever wants to be a real friend of mine. I will leave room in my heart for her too. One woman's lose is another one's gain. PS. Never let the Administrators at TTGuide know what's going on? Why ......you ask.....because....they really do care about you and will help you! I an't how I know. LOL :P

Thanx both Ms. I tryed to read you blog and could not get access. However, I would love to read you book............If I may?

This blog is about my journey how my transtion is progressing well lousy; to sum it up in one word. I have to remember that when you show somebody love you have to be ready for the pain of rejection. I know that you can only control yourself and not the other person. I'm being vague I know; this is because I have not spoken to the other person yet. Which is killing right now. I was just told she is up-set with me for some unknown reason to me? I don't even know if that true either?? Could be nothing or it could be something?? The part that hurts me the most is just hours before I sent a Email to her and exposed my heart to her.( stupid me) Now I feel like ........you figure it out ..........how would you feel. Yep thats how I feel. I first was going to kill Plague off forever however, I really love her a lot even if others donot. After a long walk I have decided to keep this woman around for a long while. If somebody cannot execpt me for who I am than thats their loss not mine. This is where I draw my line in the sand. My other problem is I really like her(as a friend) a lot; God, it would been nice to have a friend.You see I'm a people person meaning I need, and want friends to laugh with to cry with to to to to to to??????? That was odd I blanked out ( I think I'll leave it for now.) Show what a stupor I'm in. You know what the more I keep writing this blog I see I need to drop this shovel and stop dig the hole I'm in. Now I get somewhere.Just stop till I talk with her than i'll up date this blog. Till than be in peace of mind and heart. Up date yep it is what I thought and I don't care HA....... I still am going to go for the good life friends....Today is a new day I face it STRONG.....Life starts NOW!!!!

Yes, thats what phychiatrist told me today she said, "you might be bipolar;" does mean I'm crazy??? I don't know what to think anymore. So I went to google and looked up "bipolar" so I know what I'm dealing with. No body tells this woman she's nuts ( only I can do that.) Now, I kind of understand why I have high and lows ; o good god, the lows are the worst; I tryed so many times to kill myself; but as you can tell I didnot succeed. I also, see why I've been a little to exrteme at times, or a lot to exrteme! I have to try to keep my self in check. This is easier said, than done and I well know this. Maybe this also, explains why I've had a hard time keeping friends throught my life?? They could/would not put up with the quick mood changes. I see I have a tough road to travle;thats ok I'm not afraid I'm a big girl.This will not beat me but, it could possibly define me. I know this all depends upon me and only me,for I have nobody who cares about me anymore. I'll face my challenges and look them square in the eye; I WILL SURVIVE! No matter what comes my way. Now the good part of this blog ......If I can and will do this someone else can to just don't give up, or in to the bad toughts. I'm no different than anybody else. I know that we all are unique in many ways; as well as,being the same too. If I were to tell you all that transspied and all that I lost over the past year; you all would say stop fighting just give up! many of my X friends did in fact they were waiting for me to kill myself. ( I know this because they told me so) However, that is another story for another time, and blog. This ties in this way I spent hours and hours racking my brain why did this bad thing happen ? Who did I hurt? what did I steal? I sank to the lowest level I had ever experienced I never thought a person could lose everything they worked for all their life long. you can not imagine what it feels like, and I hope you never do. this is where I was going with this; salvation I found it!! the bipolar keeps a person in the down mode when you crash and I crashed hard. this is the salvation I have found, HOPE ..........yes hope that things will get better, and they are. I stopped lying to myself and others. Than what re discovered music, yes music and I ran to it and hid in it for a while. Thats the one thing I found that great people have HOPE. So whoever you are if you read this and understand it please keep hope alive in you struggle It will get better I promise.

Dear Ms. emttracy you are a very rich woman! Know why to have had a friend like Tracy in your life.I 'm deeply sorry for your loss. I apologize for not seeing this post quicker, and responding. Hope I don't bring up a sad moument. maybe you have room in your heart for a new special friend??? Best wishes

At first I thought when I got to this website (Tgguide) that I was a website whore?? Tell ya why, I was registered at another site, and was very happy their but, something happend and someone told me to leave. ( this was not done by a monitor/Admin/or because I did / said anything wrong.) I guess, these people did not care for my company??? I guess?? So they told me to go........ this hurt me really bad; I felt like here we go again girl REJECTED. T.T Then, after a period of time I found this community!!! I was very hesitant to come here. Took a couple of invites to get me to come. But, I 'm ecstatic that I exepted the invation!!! I really like this community and feel at home. So far so good, been making friends and this is exactly what I wanted, and needed. I start to become more positive too; this makes someone FEEL GREAT!!!!! God, I thank all of you for that; I can't express in words how you all saved my life, seriously. When I wrote a bunch of negative words you all keep Email me to make sure that I was better. How do you thank somebody for that ??????? Word cannot express how I feel?.......... Maybe this word, love works for a fellow person! How Kind you all are; now to be making friends OMG you all are going to make me say......... I love you all very much with all my heart!!!!! and I 'm not just say'n that you'll see,Please don't change. Good night I 'm getting so mushy look what good people can do for someone so hurt! Here I go again lol got to stop or I'll make myself sick I guess, you all are going to see this a lot from me from now on LOVE YA!!!!!!! I'm so impetuous LOL.............I do mean it though The Blog Hog Thanks you all !

Well today, I had to look up what is a bolg used for. I did not want to be a BLOG HOG LOL I guess I'm using thing right? LOL Now on to the point; the other day I was chatting with my little sister (she is MtF also.) She was not happy for she felt, I was further along the transition high-way than her. This made her feel sad As we were talking a thought popped in my head? This is not a race enjoy the trip down the path toward your goal. So I told her what my thought was, and tryed to show her how much progress she has made. Then this illustration came to me and I thought I post it in my blog and share....oink,oink LOL (Look up at the top of the post to get the joke.) It's like this if you travel on a high way, not all the cars go at the same speed, right? some are faster, some slower hopefully all reach their destination safe and sound. The same is true for transpeople (hope this term is ok) this is each person walk and no one can do it for you. we can give support, encouragement, and cheer you a long. However, the pace, you travel is yours not someone eles. Please enjoy the trip that's part of the fun (I think) yes, it can get frustrating at times! But It is yours and nobody can take that away from you. Ok then I just want to blog this hope it may help someone?? Like me .........Speed demon here lol :D

To day I looked up this quote from Lucy Maud Montgomery. it read,"in this world you've just got to hope for the best and prepare for the worst and take whatever God sends." When I came to think about this I found it is quite deep in meaning. when you link this to a life in transition it takes on a great meaning to me. This is what I got ; We must never lose hope, and seek to get the best we can. If we donot quite get what we want then we should get ready for the consequence, but never give up hope. The most important part of this to me, is the last part take what God give's you and never give it back. I just love to learn; This is what I got out of it; Please share yours with me,I like to see what you got from it? Peace Out >^-^<

Dear Ms. Suezett Sorry ,thing like that happened to you; you seem like a nice person. If I may add that this, thought life changing experance has help you embrace the truth about who you are; all the better for you!! Rembember life starts NOW!! and, "that which does not kill us only makes us stronger." Peace Out >^.^< PS If you ever need a friend please look me up I listen and try to help. BIG HUGZZZZ