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Emma

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  1. Emma
    I have experienced so much in the last month, coming closer to myself, coming out to my wife, participating in TG Guide. Maybe it will help me (and others, I hope) to review and express my gratitude for my progress. Here’s some of what I’ve learned:

    My fantasy outcomes are just that, fantasies.

    The fantasies I’m talking about are the ones having to do with my wife’s unconditional acceptance of me, dressing how I wish, being fully open to my awakening, even cuddling together. It saddens me a bit that this hasn’t come to pass and I’ll still dream of it, but we have a long way to get there if we ever do.
    My wife’s feelings are valid.

    Much as I’d like to stand on “what’s the big deal?” and that she should more quickly accept me because my femininity on the inside has always made up an important part of who she fell in love with, if it’s a big deal to her, it is, and that’s okay. My job now is to be patient, kind, and stay connected to her as we both navigate these uncharted waters.
    I’m lucky and grateful to have her for my wife.

    Coming out to her has been terribly hard. Her intense dismay and hurt are so hard to bear, and I automatically descend into depression, shame, and wishing I could just disappear. She’s really trying, is listening more and more, and expresses the same hope that I do that our relationship and lives will survive this. Neither of us knows if our marriage will survive but we’re trying.
    I wish there was a cure or antidote for my being transgender.

    Goodness knows, over the decades I’ve tried to ignore it, bury it, rationalize it away, purge, and dilute it with immersion in work and busy-ness. I know now that I am what I am. It’s hard to accept but the more that I do the freer and less stressed and threatened I feel.
    “Transition” has many definitions; most would say it’s living full-time in the opposite role, probably at least leading to HRT and gender affirming surgery.

    For me, my transition which has been pretty profound is more about my awakening and acceptance of my transgender self as well as my full disclosure to my wife. The full transition I hope for now is for my wife and I to move to an even more loving stage in our marriage. I think we’re at least and at last heading in the right direction.
    My authenticity to myself and my wife has relieved a huge weight off my shoulders.

    As hard and scary as it’s been, I feel such a tangible relief from depression and fear. I’ve always been conscious of my monitoring of my interactions with others, if “I’m doing it right,” or if they might be able to discern what I’m hiding. This was so exhausting and I often complained of being “so very tired.” No wonder I felt that way. I was like a spy living in deep cover always on the alert for enemy detection and my destruction. Now, so much of that has been relieved.
    I am real, I am valid, I am good.

    That’s hard to say and sometimes to believe. Maybe through repetition it will sink in more.

    Thank you for listening to me and being here for me,

    Emma
  2. Emma

    Emma's TG History

    By Emma,

    Although professionals and others, after reviewing my history and story, have assured me that I am transgender that's been a hard pill to swallow at times. I always come way wondering if I might have consciously or unconsciously told them only what I wanted them to know or in a way that manipulates their judgement. And even if I accept that I've been as transparent as I can be I have then questioned their authority to make the determination. This has all been so exhausting, like running the wheel in a hamster cage. But I think I'm coming to an acceptance that I am what I am, and I am transgender. I hope this blog post will provide an example that might help others struggling with this question.
    So here's what I did: a couple of months ago I started compiling a history of memories and trans feelings/experiences that I grouped into categories by age and school (for when I was younger). Not all of my memories came to me at once so I added as I thought of more of them. It helped to write them down because it's so hard to keep all those details in mind. That process helped a lot but it wasn't complete. A few days ago I added a one or two sentence summary of that time period that kind of distills what came up for me during that time period. 
    Wow. It is what it is and at this point I think it's undeniable. Here's the whole thing as of today:
    Emma’s TG History
    <6 years: preschool and kindergarten 
    Where I discovered my shame about wanting to be girly and do girly things, and the powerful need to keep it strictly hidden from others. But as an only child where did that shame come from? I assume I learned it from my mother, before I have memories, when I rebelled against her making me be a boy.
    Wore out my baby blanket’s satin edging; I loved the feel of it. Twirling like a ballerina at another child’s birthday party; ashamed and stopped before “being caught.” Wanted to learn to curtsey with the girls in preschool Playing with the girls in the kindergarten kitchenettes; afraid of the boys play and what they would think Playing with neighbor friend (who much later came out as gay): making up stories with little characters 6-12 years: grade school
    Like a sponge I soaked up knowledge about girls and women, contemplated what it would be like, and fostered fantasies. I spent hours surreptitiously investigating in magazines, newspapers, television, and catalogs. 
    Wanted to be a Blue Bird in 1st grade Wished I could be a mermaid Wanted stirrup pants like the girls: how would they feel to wear? Rolled up in my Nana’s satin comforter; shamed by her to stop.  Playground: with the girls playing hopscotch, gymnastics on bars Unexpressed wishing mother would buy leotard and tights for me Bedtime fantasies of being dressed as a girl, transported away into space. Or, dressed in a harem girl’s costume, living in an I Dream of Jeanie bottle, with Jeanie. Fixated on catalog with sleeping bra, wanting one, trying to figure out how to order and receive it secretly. TV: That Girl, Girl from UNCLE, Flying Nun, The Avengers, I Dream of Jeanie, Bewitched Favorite movies: Patty Duke, The Sound of Music, Three Lives of Thomasina Wanted to be able to cry and wear a ring like a girl at school 13-18 years: junior and high school
    Covert actions taken to experience clothing, the good feelings that emerged were undeniable. 
    "Subtly" trying to encourage mother to buy a tutu for me Hand-sewing camisole and romper out of rags while parents at AA meetings Trying on girdles from Goodwill bag Cutting panties from discarded pantyhose to wear under clothing or to bed Bought black long-sleeved leotard at dance clothing store; returned a year later to buy black tights. I had to wait or risk their remembering me. Wearing mother’s swimming suit when parents were out for the evening Lake Berryessa: bought pantyhose to wear and hang out in, on weekend alone. It felt marvelous but lonely. Wanted to crossdress with girlfriend; she was okay with it but I was too cautious Stole girl's skirt, top, and slip from restaurant restroom  Continually looking for discarded/lost girl’s clothing Found yellow girly panties on lawn Found multicolored panties in HS parking lot 18-24 years: college
    More clothing and my first-time experience going out dressed. But otherwise a low point in my TG world as I tried to be what I was supposed to be.
    Stole blue leotard from clothes wash room in dorm Halloween: dressed as coed (skirt, girls sweater) for party, loving it and yet feeling so alone, afraid to show that I loved it too much and that I’d be found out. Twenties
    More clothing and dressing.
    Found navy blue dance panties in parking lot Bought leotard and tights at dance store Bought leotard at flea market Halloween (1981): on the Castro as a nurse. What a great time I had, just being me if only for a few hours. Halloween (1982): on the Castro as a bride. Not quite as much fun but a good time nonetheless. Wearing leotard/panties during sex Thirties
    Explorations, confronting fears by buying clothing.
    Wearing panties and nightgown during sex Visited TV/TS bar in Munich: a long walk from my hotel but I left shortly after arrival; too scared. Foxy Lady Boutique – SF: dress and lingerie Lingerie boutique - Mountain View: corset and stockings Forties
    Exploring what it means, terrified to come out and be accepted. Once again, full withdrawal.
    Accumulating very small wardrobe KOA Santa Cruz: much research, writing, desperate for acceptance and understanding. Drove to LA to crossdressing clothing store; bought a dress, lingerie. Delivered overly comprehensive report to my wife that I hoped she would see it all as no big deal. Just the opposite, she was devastated. Serious suicide considerations Carla's Boutique: bought dress, bra, other Fifties
    Discovering the new transgender vocabulary, that being trans is inborn, not a choice. Wondering how far on the spectrum I will need to travel. Finally: full disclosure with therapist, wife, and gender therapist. 
    Bringing leotard and tights on business trips It all emerges again: much more exploration Confrontations with my wife Serious suicide attempts, much consideration Clothing bought on Amazon, REI, Carla’s, dance store… Gender therapist’s confirmation Attended TG/TS group meetings at Carla's and with gender therapist Participation in on-line support groups TGGuide and CrossdreamLife Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed Sixties
    With disclosures, my shame is about gone. Still hard to accept this reality at times. What will I do if my marriage collapses and I’m on my own?
    Realization that I'd always wanted to be small and treasured: does that mean female, or perhaps loved by my mother? I think it's the former but it's probably both. Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed Coming out to family and friends: all going relatively well Increasingly accepting that I do not see a need to socially or surgically transition Attended TDoV, TDoR in San Francisco; surprised I don’t feel much of a bond with these people. Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book and workbook: worked through the exercises, provided her with edits for her next edition.
  3. Emma

    Existential Questions

    By Emma,

    Several unrelated observations from the past week have led to some thoughts I'd like to share here. Sneak preview: I wonder if I am transgender. Answer: yes.

    Here goes:
    I attended a TG Discussion Group (i.e., not led by a therapist) this week. Everyone there except me has either fully transitioned or is on hormones. I mentioned that I had not gone to any of their social events because I don't have a complete feminine outfit (with all of the accoutrements) and am wondering these days how important that is for me. Someone said (in a nice way), "Gender isn't the clothes. It's all between the ears." Everyone nodded and agreed.

    Thinking about it later that night I wish I'd asked, "If it's all between the ears then perhaps that explains why some are comfortable in their choice to live within the boundaries of their born sex?" I suspect there is some truth in that. And maybe those in that place under the TG Umbrella don't see the "boundaries" at all.

    I'm thinking this may be me. When I consider attending a TG social event fully expressing myself as a transwoman it is a little exciting, sure. But there are rather big buts, such as:
    I want to look nice. Not over the top at all, just well put-together. Assembling all of the pieces of such an outfit would be very expensive when you consider I'm starting from essentially nothing.
    I don't feel an inherent joy in making my face up more than perhaps the minimal that most cisgender women do. But goodness knows I'd need a fair amount of it applied in an artful manner.
    And, the thought of doing all this for perhaps a 2-3 hour event with people I don't have much in common with...

    Maybe I'm not transgender at all. I'm just a lonely imposter in the TG house?

    I met with my therapist yesterday morning, one on one. I told him that I just want to be loved by my wife for who and what I am. I told him all of the above, and:
    I often sleep in a simple nightgown since I was barred from sleeping with my wife in "our" room. Nothing fancy or frilly, it's like a long-sleeve T-shirt in a soft modal fabric. It just feels good, like a hug.
    When I wear a leotard and tights (under my outerwear), here again, it just feels like a warm hug. I'm okay.
    Yes, I occasionally get a minor and transient erotic thrill but that's also similar to how I feel when in a warm embrace.
    At the discussion group one of the transexual women (who transitioned >30 years ago) mentioned, "Although transitioned, we'll never be fully women. For example, when I attended college after my SRS and the other girls shared their prom photos and other girlhood memories, I didn't have those." She said it very matter of fact, with no emotional baggage. I responded with something like, "Oh my, that must have been painful for you." No one else picked up on that and the discussion moved on.
    Also at the discussion group I felt a bit left out as they were largely focused on hearing themselves talk. I guess I don't blame them. Like me, there are darned few places where they can express themselves. I wasn't able to get much of a word in edgewise and just listened.

    My therapist responded that the feelings I express are, in his experience, more typically those of a woman's. Earlier that week he had a couple in for therapy where, for example, the wife used my same words, "I just want you to love me for who I am."

    So yeah, I am a member of the transgender camp, grateful for having a place like TG Guide to come to, express myself, and share my feelings.

    Emma

    P.S. I sincerely hope that all who read this understand that my writing is solely about my own thoughts and observations, and I don't mean to imply any judgment of anyone else. I'm truly respectful and appreciative of everyone in the transgender community, their individual journeys, gender expression, and rightful place under the umbrella.

    Photo: I shot this from inside the Excelsior Lodge in South Africa a couple of years ago. I loved their windows and the scene they framed. It seems like an appropriate photo for today's blog.
  4. Emma

    Falling On My Sword

    By Emma,

    In my past career when we said that we were “falling on my sword” we meant that – typically in front of a customer – we were admitting that our company or product was at fault. We were being transparent, vulnerable, admitting we were in the wrong and hopefully the customer would thus react with less drama and instead collaborate on working around or developing a solution to the problem. This blog post feels like that to me, thus its title.

    Of late I’ve been reading “Crossdressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines” by Dr. Peggy Rudd, who previously wrote “My Husband Wears My Clothes.” She is a psychologist who happens to have a transgender husband, and because of this developed a personal and professional understanding of what it means to be transgender for the individual and for the family. The basis for the book is that crossdresser/transgender people are not wrong or bad although society may cast them in this light. Perhaps worse, these transwomen tend to be their own worst critic because of internalized shame, guilt, and fear. Carrying that load is sensed by others around us and often reflected back, confirming those cruel assumptions and beliefs.

    I’ve sensed this off and on throughout my life. I know that I am too dependent on external feedback and opinions. Who cares what they think! I’m my own person, right? And I can stand on my own feet. Oh yeah, sure. At times like this I find that easy to say and darned hard to believe.

    Below are some quotes from the book and some corresponding thoughts. Perhaps through this I (and you?) will make some progress.
    “In our society men are taught from an early age that they must never be like girls. Because of the awareness or knowledge, you may fail to accept crossdressing as a part of your personality. There is that subconscious rule that says you are doing something wrong.” – Roger Peo, PhD.

    I think I was happiest before around age 4 or 5 before I realized that part of the way I was, how I liked to play, was sissy and wrong. I was often reminded of this by neighborhood boys whom I desperately wanted to be friends with but who seemed to delight in tearing me apart with their ridicule.
    “The search for normalcy is a very strong motivator. Each person wants to find love, and sometimes they are willing to absorb guilt rather than lose love.”

    I’ve always longed for normalcy, wondered why I wasn’t, and am often hyperaware of how I believe others think of me. And indeed, closeting my shame and feelings from my wife, friends, and associates to protect what feels like such tenuous love and caring.
    “The guilt related to the erotic nature of crossdressing is a major concern for many.”

    Guilt and shame, not only from within and from my wife, but also worried that it will rain down on me from the transgender community as it seems that the fetish aspect of crossdressing is one of the shameful secrets that we don’t talk about. So here’s a major hara-kiri (seppuku) confession: I do have some fantasy and erotic feelings about crossdressing. Whatcha think about that? Not always, but it can be pretty thrilling.
    “Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” – Frederick Wilcox

    Okay, that saying makes sense of course. It’s easy to say as it kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And yeah, I have come out to my wife over the past few months and to this day I don’t know if I did the right thing. You call that progress?

    Okay, enough of the downers. Here’s a couple of quotes showing what we’re aiming for:
    “When you can think of yesterday without regret, and tomorrow without fear, you have found true dignity.”

    “The key to having a rich and full life is self-acceptance, a virtue found only within.”

    So, how to get there? Dr. Rudd includes lists of steps from a variety of people who responded to her research questionnaire. Here’s one that I liked.
    Remember to have a sense of humor.
    Learn to be in touch with whom you are.
    Start believing you have the freedom to express the total personality.
    Share your guilt and fears with someone you trust.
    Be a good listener when other people share their feelings with you.
    Remember there are other people out there with similar problems.
    I think I need to have these tattooed on my arms for handy reference.

    Be well,

    Emma
  5. Emma

    Girlfriend

    By Emma,


    Emma
    Almost two months ago I received a message on a dating app: "You have a warm smile." I checked out her profile and we started messaging back and forth. In and of itself this was so amazing for me. I was on a half-dozen dating apps (the usual suspects) and mostly received messages that someone had looked at my profile. So what? They didn't hang out, follow up with me, did they? 
    Also, of late, I've felt more satisfied with being single. Not resigned to it. Actually, pretty happy. But has so often happened in the past: when I'm not looking for love it flies in unexpectedly. And when I am looking for love it's probably best that I not find it because I'm carrying baggage.
    So, this woman and I made plans to talk on the phone for the first time. In preparation for that I reviewed her profile again. I wanted things to ask her about. I then looked at mine. I noticed that all of the text blocks said "in review." I'd been on that site for a couple of months. Why "in review"? And did that mean that people couldn't read my text where I unequivocally inform that I am transgender? I wasn't sure and decided to go ahead with our call and see if I could find out.
    That evening on the phone we had a great and fun conversation, with all sorts of topics. At one point she said, "So, when you were a girl..." Wow! Did this mean she saw (in my photos), voice, and tone me as a cis woman? I thought about asking her but didn't want to disrupt the flow of our conversation. We signed off after an hour and agreed to meet the following weekend for a coffee.
    Later that same evening I knew that I needed to put my cards on the table. It wasn't fair to her or me if there was any confusion about who I really am. I sent a text message to her, advising her that although she may be unaware that I am transgender. I wasn't apologetic, just frank in a friendly way. She quickly responded: she didn't care one way or the other.
    In the following weeks we've gotten together much more, for coffee, dinners at each other's homes, watching movies on TV. We're getting to know one another. So far so good! I think it's good that I wasn't in a needy place when we met. Although I still think of the future and hope for the best we never know what the future will bring. It's best to just stay in the moment and enjoy the ride...
  6. Emma
    I love this book. It speaks to me so well. So much, that I’m reading it again—for the third time.
    While taking the light rail this morning I read:
    ”When we let ourselves feel, our inner self transforms. But here’s the rub: Destruction is essential to construction. If we want to build the new, we must be willing to let the old burn. We must be committed to holding on to nothing but the truth. We must decide that if the truth inside us can burn a belief, a family structure, a business, a religion, an industry—it should have been ashes yesterday. 
    At first it’s very scary. Because once we feel, know, and dare to imagine more for ourselves, we cannot unfeel, unknow, or unimagine. There is no going back. We are launched into the abyss—the space between the not-true-enough life we’re living and the truer one that exists only inside us. So we say, “It’s safer to stay here. Even if it’s not true enough, maybe it’s good enough.” But good enough is what makes people drink too much and snark too much and become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation until they lie on their deathbed and wonder: What kind of life/relationship/family/world might I have created if I’d been braver?”
    it is freaking scary to push forward out of our comfort zones. Her sentence about the deathbed came to me years ago. Then, I thought it was about not being in or finding a fulfilling career. I know now that it was about living and experiencing my authenticity.
    Back to the light rail. Have a great day!
  7. Emma

    Going Public

    By Emma,

    Yesterday morning when I first saw mention of Businessweek's publication "Tim Cook Speaks Up," I thought it was a bit anticlimactic. Most knew that he is gay. After all, he'd led Apple's contingent at the LGBTQ Pride Parade this year and even before that the word was pretty much out. But I was deeply moved by his words and the article. Not only was he stepping out as the CEO of the Fortune 1 company (as one writer described it today in the NYT). He was inclusive of all LGBTQ people. It's not just about him.

    In today's NYT follow-up article ("The Coming Out of Apple's Chief Tim Cook: 'This Will Resonate'") I noted that he checked it out with Apple's board beforehand. I think that probably took more courage than even coming out in Businessweek. Sure, he's the CEO. But he reports to Apple's board and there's no doubt in my mind that those people are very strong minded and outspoken. And they are his peers.

    Speaking of the Times, Charles M. Blow recently published "Up From Pain" there. Very tender description of what happened to him as a child and how he's finding himself as an adult. Just imagine what he's risking! Heck, he's a New York Times published writer. Unlike Mr. Cook I doubt Mr. Blow could afford losing his income should it come to that.

    And then there's another that I found recently: Brynn Tannehill's "I Am Real," her keynote address to the 2014 TransPride Pittsburgh National Convention. She's amazing. Please, please, search for it and spend the twenty minutes watching it. It's that important.

    And, there's Lynn Conway. If you haven't heard of her you owe it to yourself to visit and read her extensive writing on her MTF journey: http://ai.eecs.umich...way/conway.html What a pioneer, woman, and leader. I have to brag here: she accepted my LinkedIn request! I'm thrilled and grateful.

    What about me? The other day I had this stream of consciousness that I sent to my wonderful therapist. Playing "what if" with yourself can encourage some creative thinking:
    What if: I was always transgendered, that it's not a reaction to my mother's abuse?

    Perhaps some of the abuse is real and some was in her own mind (e.g., the time I remember she told me that she'd spanked me so hard that she'd broken a vessel in her hand). Heck, maybe part of her issue was that I wasn't acting the role she expected.
    What if: my shame is a learned expression – a useful excuse – for the outside world to rationalize my condition?

    Might it then be a habit that can be unlearned? I do know that I use it at times as a way to gain some hugs and love from my wife. I appreciate her support a lot but at times I wonder if I only got what I needed because of some level of manipulation.
    What if: I had expressed my desires to be a girl more definitely when I was young?

    What if there's no answer to this?
    What if: my recent weight loss and trimness is driven at least equally by my desires to express a more feminine image?

    Because, it is.
    What if: my desires for leotards and tights is more about the relative social acceptability of fetishes vs. my having a feminine expression?

    Here again, it seems to me that it's more socially acceptable to have a fetish.
    What if: I could feel love as if I were a woman and remain as I am?

    Why not? How would that look and be?
    What if: I could be fully accepting of myself as I am?

    No more shame, just pride of being myself.

    I feel sometimes a bit embarrassed that this is coming to a head for me at my age, as if it's "only" a mid-life crisis. I think it's more about the urgency of realizing that we only have so much time in this life. If not now, when? Lynn Conway wrote, "If you want to change the future, start living as if you're already there."

    So yeah, I think I get it. The first step to going public is to fully love and accept myself, whatever that turns out to be. Then, review it with my board (my wife). And then just do it. At this moment in time it seems like the last step is the easiest and the first is the hardest. I'm way open to suggestions on the first one.

    Happy Halloween!

    Emma

    Photo: This is a fun story. We were in Zimbabwe in an open-air safari four-wheel drive, when the guide/driver stopped in the dirt road, pointed up the hill, and said, "Up there, under the tree. There's a pride of lions." We couldn't see anything of the sort. Even with my telephoto lens, I simply could not find them. Patiently, the guide looked around, and then drove up the hill about a hundred yards to within 15-20 feet of a pride of a dozen lions, lionesses, and cubs. Wow. For tonight's festivities I'd like to be the lioness!
  8. Emma
    I started reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle a couple of days ago. She's putting into words so much of what I know in my deepest recesses to be true for me but have been unable to vocalize. She's not trans, she's a "late in life lesbian, about 45.
    She writes about how women—especially—are trained from a young age to fit into society's expectations and largely, to passively accept the limitation of their true selves to fit those molds. As trans people we all share this, don't we? Since 4 or 5 years old I struggled so hard to be what I was supposed to be. Such a mess, so much depression, shame and loss. 
    "... good enough is what makes people drink too much and snark too much and become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation until they lie on their deathbed and wonder: What kind of life/relationship/family/world might I have been if I'd been braver?
    The building of the true and beautiful means the destruction of the good enough. Rebirth means death. Once a truer, more beautiful vision is born inside of us, life is in the direction of that vision. Holding on to what is no longer true enough is not safe; it's the riskiest move because it is the certain death of everything that was meant to be. We are alive only to the degree to which we are willing to be annihilated. Our next life will always cost us this one. If we are truly alive, we are constantly losing who we just were, what we just built, what we just believed, what we just knew to be true."
    Of course we're all fearful of losing what we have despite our sacrifices to maintain that "good enough" life. And it's not all about being trans, determining what that means for each of us, and following our gender journeys. It's about learning to listen to our deepest feelings and acting on them.
    We really do only have this one life to live. Will you accept good enough? 
  9. Emma

    Guilt on the Rise

    By Emma,

    My ex-wife and I talked yesterday for ninety minutes on the phone. We got caught up on each others lives after not speaking for three weeks due to my facial surgery recovery and her trip to Mexico. That was all well and good until near the end of the call when she said that we need to reduce the frequency of our calls to monthly. She started crying as she told me how unhappy she is, nothing to really look forward to, that sort of thing. It's been two years since I left her in California and this year she turns 70. She's also having problems with her knees that were replaced, her back which seems to be trying to unsuccessfully compensate for her knees. She's a mess while I'm living up here in Seattle having more or less the time of my life. 
    Sure, I have my own issues. My facial surgeries went fine but I have lots of numbness all over, including my scalp. It's so weird to feel (or not feel) ones skin and scalp. Very uncomfortable. It's been less than three weeks since the surgery but hey, I'm impatient even while plenty of doctors have advised that I need to give it a year. My vulva is also kind of uncomfortable too. Not nearly as much as a couple of months ago but it's another discomfort that keeps it's presence known, all of which keeps me kind of pooped out. I'm lucky that I'm retired and able to sleep in and take naps.
    Since talking with my ex-wife yesterday I'm feeling a lot of guilt and responsibility for her feelings. We were married for twenty years and still care for each other a lot. Before we were married I confessed my occasional cross-dressing. We were in bed with the lights out. I was so ashamed, and yet felt that I had to confess, get it out. I felt that our love was so strong that she'd be my supporter and we would navigate this together. Instead, she threw me out of the room. I slept fitfully on the couch. The following morning she came out and said that if we were to stay together that 1) I'd throw out all of my female clothing, and 2) we'd never discuss this again. I agreed and meant it, and I followed through when we returned home after a short vacation.
    But as we all know this was just like another purge cycle. I couldn't deny my authentic spirit as much as I tried to suppress it. Over the years of our marriage I secretly bought small clothing items to wear when she wasn't home or to bring with me while on business trips to wear at night. She occasionally tripped over them in my hiding places, and as time progressed she often coached me that some of my gestures and behaviors were overly feminine. That sucked so much. I felt like I'd returned to being a child trying to be on my best behavior, self-correcting so as to avoid reprimands. And yet I did it because... why? I guess it was because I felt so ashamed. I was also afraid that our relationship would dissolve. 
    She's supportive of me now. She sent some jewelry to me a few weeks ago. Intellectually she understands that my being trans is valid and real. I suppose she's just wrestling with her own sadness that for whatever reasons she can't see herself with me now as my authentic self. I've told her and I think she understands that deep down I'm the same person. And yet...
    It's so hard to hear her cry, the anguish in her voice. I feel guilty that I wasn't more adamant before we were married. Maybe I was selfish. I'm so sorry that I hurt her, I really am. 
  10. Emma

    Happy Birthday Monica!!!

    By Emma,

    I learned just a few minutes ago that Monica's birthday was last Friday, 1/19. Birthdays are a big deal, especially for those of us who're contending with being trans, lesbian, disabled, ... And heck, we keep getting OLDER. I'll not advertise Monica's age, will leave that up to her to divulge. That said this year is a milestone for her.
    Monica was the first to great me, with warmth and sincerity, when I joined TGG about 3 1/2 years ago. That was such a difficult time for me. It seemed clear that I was trans but I didn't really know enough to be 100% positive. I'd come out to my wife who was devastated. I was in a bad way, somehow found TG Guide, and Monica was there for me. 
    I greatly appreciate Monica's steadfast support and friendship. Please join in and wish her a Happy New Year and wonderful Birthday!
    Love to all,
    Emma
    P.S. For fun, more photos of my BFF, Miss Peanut:

  11. Emma

    Happy Holidays

    By Emma,

    As we near the end of 2019 I am reflecting on the last few years. In 2014 after 57 years of suppressed shame I finally started sharing my feelings, fantasies, wishes and dreams with a therapist. With his encouragement and support I spent a lot of time on the web trying to learn more. It was then that I even learned of the word "transgender." I loved it; it felt right I never liked the words transvestite or transexual, both of which sent my shoulders up toward my ears. 
    I joined TGGuide later in 2014, so tentatively at first, worried that I would say the wrong thing, upset someone, and experience rejection. Not only did that not happen I was encouraged, supported, and made to feel at home. TGGuide was my touchstone. I logged in several times a day, reading, writing, and participating. One time the website went down and I nearly panicked, not knowing what if anything I could do if it was forever gone. 
    Fast forward to today when I'm as transitioned as I'll ever be which is something I had no idea I would do even in the Spring of 2017 when I found myself driving north from the Bay Area on a mission to find myself and a new place to live. Now, in vibrant, fun, and welcoming Seattle, I have friends who love me and a life that is rich and full. I am truly blessed and wish to express my gratitude as well as my very best wishes to you and yours for a happy holiday and fabulous 2020.
    Love,
    Emma
  12. Emma

    Happy Holidays

    By Emma,

    Dear friends,
    I'm blessed to be a part of our community here - I think of you often. I wish you, your families, and your friends, all a wonderful holiday season.  Let's all pray for peace on earth and good will to all.
    Love,
    Emma

  13. Emma

    Hello Friends

    By Emma,

    Hello everyone,

    Wow, this is both exciting and a bit intimidating. First and foremost it's so fun to see my "nom de femme" in such a distinguished forum. But now that it's there, what shall I write about? I suppose my first inclination was to write some sort of diary. Honestly, I'll bet that won't be that interesting. And too, I'm a little wary of overcommitting. Let me provide a short biopic and see what comes up. Let me know if you have questions or comments and we'll see if we establish some sort of back and forth communication. I do hope so and look forward to meeting you, if only on-line.

    I'm way past fifty years of age and since I was about three or four felt that I was missing something substantial by not being born female. I wasn't sure what it was exactly but I wanted to be a girl. In and of itself, no big deal, especially these days. But for some reason I was certain that these feelings and desires were Wrong with a capital W, and would remain cloistered within my brain. I was deeply ashamed about my desires and inclinations, and the shame has only grown over the last half century.

    While I've had a good professional career I blame my shame for limiting my progression in responsibility, titles, and pay. Maybe I was too feeling, too sensitive, too much showing my underbelly of vulnerability. Or maybe I reached the level of my incompetence. Regardless, the shame has caused a lot of depression and suicidal thoughts over the years. I've tried to address those through many meetings with a variety of therapists and psychologists, couch time and prescriptions. But here again, my shame prevented me from even opening up to these well-meaning people in a meaningful way.

    I have been married twice and we celebrated our almost twenty year anniversary a month ago. We love each other deeply and are best friends. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else. But our bedroom fun kind of evaporated in recent years and understandably, we tried to figure it out - without my disclosing (again) my deepest transgender feelings. A couple of years ago I started seeing yet another therapist. In a word, he's fantastic. But also, I decided that screw it, I wasn't going to let my shame get me down. I was going to come out with it, come hell or high water.

    Over time (months) I have done so and he's been sincerely supportive. I'm so grateful for his help. And we've been meeting with my wife, too, and she's learning that hey, this is what I am. It's not some sexual fantasy or diversion. Whatever it is, it's part of me, and if she loves me (which she does) then maybe my transgender-ness contributes in a positive way to making me the person she loves so much.

    At the moment I'm trying to accept myself too, to see myself in my entirety, and see myself as good and loving, and worth loving. Some days it's easy, and other days it's not. Go figure!

    Sincerely,

    Emma

    Photo: A few years ago I was in Tel Aviv, Israel, on a business trip. We had some time to kill and walked around some building/monastery (not sure) near the Mediterranean and this kitty really caught my eye. I'm not sure but I think it's female, don't you? ;-)
  14. Emma

    Horns of a Dilemma

    By Emma,

    Yesterday afternoon a rental RV pulled in to the campground space adjacent to mine. I didn't take much notice of it. I glanced there occasionally and was surprised to find that the couple were sitting in the cab of the truck. Kind of odd since the first thing one does is connect up the water, electricity, and waste disposal. I made my dinner and while cooking my pork chop decided to ask them if all was alright. Maybe they were unfamiliar with what to do and embarrassed to ask? 
    After eating my chop (which was delicious!) I headed over there. The man was in the cab, the woman no where to be seen. He popped out and I explained that I noticed them in the cab and was just checking to see if they needed any help. He was very friendly, in his 60s I think, and said it was just a comfortable place to sit and update his Facebook while keeping an eye on his own BBQ. His girlfriend then came out too, very big blond hair, friendly. I learned that they are from North Carolina, very small towns (about 2,000 people) near Raleigh, heading to Frisco (please, please, don't ever say that. It's San Francisco) today I think. We separated back to our RVs and the evening.
    Last night I considered which side of the bathroom bill they are on. My guess is that they are on the trans-phobic side as they also made a small sleight about a minority. So now I'm wondering if I should venture there again this morning and ask them about the bathroom bill. And if they are for the discrimination ask them what concerns them. And regardless, then tell them that I'm transgender, and assure them that while in male mode (which they see me now) neither I or anyone I know who is trans would even consider entering a women's washroom. I could do it, sure. But I'm scared to think what might happen. Probably nothing physical, but emotional? Do I want to deal with that?
    Anyway, I left my copy of Janet Mock's book "Redefining Realness" in the campground book exchange area. Maybe someone will read it and learn something. I hope so.
    P.S. That couple left the park while I was in the laundry room, so they were unaware of their neighbor, the transwoman. I suppose I'll always wish I'd gone ahead and broached the subject with them. Who knows, we might have had a nice chat over a glass of wine. Given the same circumstances that's what I plan to do the next time. Live and learn.
  15. Emma

    How To Be A Lady

    By Emma,

    Life's good for me here in Seattle. Friends, acquaintances, ... so many delightful connections and living in such a wonderful environment. I occasionally have an internal struggle (maybe too strong a word) with my being trans. On the one hand, everywhere I go I am greeted and interacted with as a woman. My lesbian friends assure me that I'm certainly accepted and seen/heard as a woman. 
    And yet about a week ago I was at a (cis woman) friend's house and I mentioned that I missed being able to travel due to Covid. I said that I wondered how I would be accepted and treated outside the Seattle area "bubble" that we live in. Through her body language and expression she confirmed that it was at least somewhat evident that I'm trans and that yes, she also wondered how I'd get along outside of, say, the West Coast, as compared with her. 
    I thought about this off and on for a few days. I've come to recognize that no matter what I'll always be transgender. And maybe I'm loved for that too. I went to ballet yesterday as I do twice a week (they only allow five students per class due to the virus; I'm one of the director's favorites!) and enjoyed the sincere warm feelings I share with the instructor and several of the others. 
    On the train to/from ballet I wrote this in my phone:
    How To Be A Lady
    I started my transition three years ago. So many frightening hurdles and self-conscious steps. Some reversible, some small, some irreversibly committed to like a ski jumper launching her downhill acceleration run, but without practice or previous experience. Too many to count. 
    At the start I didn’t have a clear vision of my goals although as I progressed through therapy, presentation refinements, voice and behavior coaching, medical therapies, and surgeries, I found my deep seated need to be fully female internally as well as to the outside world. 
    My friends, mostly cisgender lesbians, repeatedly assured me that I was unequivocally a woman. But these days I am coming to the realization that no matter what I do, how well I pass, I am always transgender.
    Like ones sexuality, skin color, cultural background, education, or life, being trans isn’t my primary identity. I am a lady then and now. I arrived here by a different route than cisgender women, but I’m here all the same.
    If I’m going to see the future I want, I need to live and breathe it.

  16. Emma
    I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh>

    As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply.

    Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees.

    I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other.

    I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it.

    I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks.

    She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end.

    She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want.

    About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out.

    When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too.

    So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her.

    Emma
  17. Emma
    I spent the evening with three girlfriends at a dinner show in downtown Seattle. I should have had a better time. I wore my new burgundy REI sweater dress, fleece-lined leggings, and a silver necklace. If I do say so myself, I looked nice. Nice that is, for me. 
    I'm not sure I should be writing this at all. After all I'm a moderator here. Aren't I supposed to be like a Camp Counselor who always knows the right thing to say, the right thing to do? That's what it seemed like when I went to camp, about fifty years ago I guess.
    My divorce from my wife is final as of about a week ago. We still talk, we love and miss each other, and I think we will always be in each other's lives. But nonetheless we are divorced. 
    I feel like I should be looking forward, excited about the future. Instead all too often I am so envious of women who get to just be what they are. Sure, they aren't perfect either. But their hairline isn't all receding, they have at least some sort of waist, and their voices are naturally feminine. And oh yeah, they don't have beards. Today I saw my electrologist for our weekly appointment. This week we were scheduled for only an hour because the dentist in the adjacent office is on vacation. She started working on my side burns but after 40 minutes I had to call it quits. It just hurt too much. I couldn't take it any longer. I guess I have another couple of years worth of appointments to look foreword to. 
    I'm so blessed and so lucky and yet I feel so blue. I feel guilty for that, like I shouldn't feel this way. But we know that everyone's feelings are valid. I should approach them mindfully, accept them, don't fight them, and in fact, embrace them. Use them to help point the way I should go, don't let fear and hurt drag me down. If it were that easy...
    The good news is that I adopted a two-year old cat about a month ago, Peanut, whose photo is below. She seems to like me. I like her too. 

  18. Emma

    I Got an F Today...

    By Emma,

    On my Washington state driver's license, that is! I sent in the US Passport revision application last week, requesting (and paying for) expedited service. I don't trust our government (you know who and if you don't what planet are you from?) to not suddenly change the rules, preventing me from obtaining this. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me please!
  19. Emma
    "You're too sensitive."
    I've heard that so many times in my life. Worse, I believe it. 
    I should not be hurt by rude people at work. I seem to be the only one who gets hurt. So no, I shouldn't be affected.
    I should not like how I feel when I wear my dresses. After all, it's just cloth. A fabric of threads. And I'm not supposed to like them.
    I should not be scared. Scared that people will discover how scared I am. Of being hurt. 
    I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry. 
    "It's always all about you."
    That hurts too. A lot. So if I didn't feel then it wouldn't hurt snd it would not have to be about me.
    I should be happy, not sad. What have I got to be sad about? "I'll give you something to be sad about."
    Shoulds suck. I should forget that word, delete it from my vocabulary. I like it when I feel my truegender. Inside and out. But it's just a feeling and I don't know if it's okay to feel. Is it? It doesn't seem like it. 
    My cursor gently blinks as I ponder clicking the Submit button. Maybe this is what blogs can be for. Sometimes to pour out my heart. Show the world that I feel. I don't like it and I don't know what to do with it but there it is. 
  20. Emma
    When I was young my handwriting was awful. So bad that all too often I couldn't read it myself. It was a scrawl; I just didn't care. About 35 years ago when I started working with computers I forgot how to write in cursive. I'd either type out notes/letters on the keyboard or use printed capital letters, trying to mimic an architect's hand. I was still able to sign my name in cursive but it's always been a scribble, identifiable as mine but otherwise indecipherable. Until a couple of months ago.
    After I drove away from my life with my wife, heading north to destinations unknown, I wondered if my handwriting had always been so poor because on some level I felt that cursive was too feminine and that having nice handwriting might expose my feelings about myself. Sounds odd, I agree. I found a simple guide to cursive writing on the web and started slowly practicing. Soon it all came back but it's beautiful now! I love it, I'm proud of my writing. I wonder how and why it was so poor before but I think I know. Emma was in my writing and she needed to be kept in her place, out of sight if not out of mind. Not anymore.
    Yesterday I had a first meeting with a doctor in a Seattle medical center to talk about starting HRT. We got along well and I told her that I didn't want to start right away; I just wanted to get to know each other a little and I'd continue to think about hormone treatment, and possibly have similar meetings with other doctors. She was perfectly fine with this but near the end of the meeting I knew: yes, I want to start, right away. I told her this and she was very okay with that, too. So now I have an appointment with one of her residents on September 11th (I just realized the significance of that date) to start that ball rolling. They know and list me as transgender in my chart with directions to use female pronouns and Emma as my name. Wow. But there's more!
    A couple of months ago I met with a speech therapist to talk about voice feminization training. She's excellent and performed thorough tests on my voice, glands, and so forth. She had a concern that I might have a vocal chord issue so asked me to have an ENT evaluation before starting work with her. This morning I went to the ENT who inserted a scope up my nostril so she could see my vocal chords as they do their thing. And she gave me a clean bill of health, too. I'll start my vocal training at the end of next week! Still more...
    I am lucky to have a couple of lesbian old friends in Seattle, who are married to each other. We enjoy each other's company and they have encouraged me to dress however I feel when I'm at their house. But I've still been a little nervous. Well, they introduced me to a good friend of their's, a cis/hetero woman, who is becoming a friend of mine, too. She and I planned to go to a Mexican restaurant together last Saturday night (as a ladies night out, if you will), and I dressed fully, in leggings, a tunic top, makeup (light), some jewelry, and wearing my breast forms. But NO wig! Just my very gray hair which is growing out pretty well but not long enough to be styled as yet. Probably will get it styled near the end of the year. My friend was so nice to me throughout, another woman complemented me on my earrings, and the waiter referred to us as "ladies." It just felt good, ya know?
    I dressed the same way (but different outfit) yesterday when I went to see my therapist and the endocrinologist. It all went well. A couple of women smiled as we walked past each other; the way I interpreted it was that they could see that I'm a trans woman, and it was if they smiled out of encouragement, nothing else. 
    What an amazing space trip I'm having!
    Emma
  21. Emma

    Ignorance on Display

    By Emma,

    Last night I met a male friend for dinner whom I've known since first grade - quite a long while. I'd told him via email that I'm trans a couple of months ago and he was supportive, so he wasn't particularly surprised when I appeared in skinny jeans, athletic pumps, and with studs in my earlobes. He's a successful corporate attorney and is friendly, very articulate, and handsome with designer glasses, died hair, and clothing that while very casual were color- and style-perfect for the occasion. But as an attorney, and a man, he consistently talked over me, peppering me with questions and thoughts while I tried to hold up my side of the conversation. Things like:
    "You're not going undergo genital mutilation, are you?" I was able to tell him that for me that's a bit over the horizon but also possible. I wasn't able to educate him on the fact that this surgery is in no way any kind of 'mutilation' with what that implies. I will be sending an email to him on that subject.
    "You're not interested in men?" I tried to tell him that sexuality and gender are orthogonal and unrelated but here again all I could tell him is that I'm only interested in women; I'm a lesbian.
    None of his comments or body language were delivered in any kind of negative way or overtone. He's told his parents who said that they wish me the best too, and his father (whom I haven't seen in over 40 years) said that he thought I'd make an attractive woman. I was just kind of taken aback at his assumptions and ignorance. As I said I'll send a follow up email to clear this up but imagine how hard it is to effectively us to people whom we've never met?
  22. Emma
    As some of you may know I'm on a rather extended road trip through the end of February, having stayed in San Diego (Chula Vista) for a couple of weeks, and am now in Mesa, Arizona. Why am I on this trip? My wife and I felt that it would be good for both of us, to provide some space for us to clear our heads and consider our future. 
    The first week and a half were pretty emotional and rough for me. I kept falling into a funk as I felt lonely and sad. Traveling by myself isn't the best (no one to share adventures with) and leads to all sorts of mind games, rehashing the past, assuming the worst for the future, all that. 
    A few days ago my fog lifted and it's not returned. I'm not manic or whatever, just calm and centered. Part of it is that I am simply accepting my transgender nature. (Yeah, I know you've heard it before but I mean it this time!) At the risk of upsetting the karma I am liking myself and how I feel, as a trans woman who may not need to present as such outwardly but knows who she is internally. I've been reading Harry Benjamin's "The Transexual Phenomenon" which, while over 50 years old, offers helpful insights into the spectrum of transgender people. I wish there was a similar book published more recently. (If you know of one please let me know.) 
    I'm also grateful that I can even have this experience. Most people probably can't afford it. I'm staying in KOA "Kamping Kabins" that are about $65/night, and I prepare almost all of my food so I'm keeping expenses down. It does get chilly at night so I bundle up and get cozy. I've driven over 1,200 miles so far and spent about $100 on gas; thanks Prius!
    I'm also grateful that I've been receiving such warm affirmations from friends and family lately: Bree, Michael, Monica, Jack, David, Paul, Dara, Joanna, Rob, and Glenn. It helps so much to be able to talk to them on the phone or via email from time to time and not just about TG stuff. 
    That's about it for now. I'm in Mesa until Friday and then driving to Flagstaff, which while more northern appears that the temperature will be livable for me.
    Best wishes to all,
    Emma
  23. Emma
    A friend of mine who happens to be non-binary wrote to me this morning about a speech he made yesterday at a monthly event were locals in his community speak on that month's theme. For May it was "epiphany" and... he won! I've had my own epiphany in the last couple of weeks that I'd like to share.
    Over the years I've often read about the need to live authentically. I assumed that meant I needed to find a different job, career, or otherwise "find myself." I had about three major career changes (broadcast engineering, outside high-tech sales, high-tech marketing and business development), worked for a dozen companies, and even tried my hand at starting my own ventures. I even once really committed to learning fiction writing on the assumption that "if Dan Brown can do it why not me?" (The Da Vinci Code had an interesting premise but in my opinion exhibited pretty marginal writing chops.) I think it's fair to say that through the first 5 decades of my life I tried really hard to "find myself" and although I experienced thrills and euphoria with each new thing (like the infatuation people feel with a new lover) I soon found them a bit tedious, got depressed, and then found myself slogging along once again.
    Of late I feel I've broken through to the "other side" of my transition where I just live my life as Emma, a woman who happens to be transgender. I feel very good, better and more excited about life than I've ever been. It occurred to me recently that hey, I'm actually living authentically and I love it! It's like it all snuck up on me without planning or awareness. I then realized that all these years I've been trying to cope, to live inauthentically, and wasn't even cognizant of it. 
    What I've learned is that when one is compelled to live inauthentically that begets more inauthenticity, like lies requiring additional layers to maintain their deceit. And I've been that way since before kindergarten, trying to live according to others' rules and expectations, utterly ashamed of my core need to be female. Maintaining all that is stressful and exhausting. As a teenager I well recall being on hair-trigger, ready to be slighted. As an adult I was often upset and I didn't know exactly why, often depressed, and like someone treading water in the ocean waiting for life to just be over. 
    At the risk of stating the obvious here it's amazing how important it is to live authentically! Just as inauthenticity leads to more inauthenticity, authenticity feeds on itself creating more authenticity, more satisfying relationships, all that stuff.
    Obviously (I hope) everyone's mileage may vary: I'm not preaching that everyone should transition or how they should go about achieving their own authenticity. I'm just so grateful to have gotten to where I am. Being an active member of the Transgender Guide among other things has helped me so much, I hope it helps you too. 
    Emma
  24. Emma
    Learning curve... what?
    Now, almost six years after I started contemplating whether I am trans, I am a woman in most ways except, perhaps, to myself. I have several very good cis women friends whom I love and love me. When we talk about my struggles they reassure me that I am clearly a woman to them. My speech, my mannerisms, certainly my clothing, all speak to the truth of me authentic gender. 
    So what's the struggle? Why am I writing?
    When I get dressed to go out I always consider will the outfit look nice and appropriate, warm or cool enough, water resistant if it's rainy, that sort of thing. But when I think about wearing a dress or skirt, is it okay for me to wear such a thing, especially if it's warm and I can't wear leggings underneath. I generally don't let those worries hold me back. Appropriateness is the order of the day and after that, well, I just get dressed. Like yesterday I needed to make a run to the local big box hardware store. I had been wearing paint-spattered Levi's and an equally crappy tee shirt while working in my basement. Men go to such stores without changing all the time. But women? Not so much. It was chilly so I wore a kind-of sweater dress, black leggings, black booties, lipstick, and threw on my bright red raincoat. No one at the store commented or noticed me unless they were out of eyesight. In the store, though, I was a fish out of water, clearly a woman shopping in the tool section.  How am I supposed to be when dating? I have a non-binary cis-woman girlfriend which is fun and all but I struggle waiting for her to take the initiative when it comes to most anything such as hand holding or kissing. From time to time I go ahead and make a move.  Sure, that's how I was socialized.  When I attend my ballet class and see myself in the mirror with the other women I can't help but see my broad(er) shoulders and height. Everyone is wonderful to me and I'm wonderful to them. And let's face it, they're no spring chickens either. Still... I guess the bottom line is that I'm only gradually knowing within my being and heart that I am a woman, plan and simple, just going about her life like any other woman. 
    The learning curve is steep but I remain so grateful to be on it. Maybe (probably) I'll aways have some nagging doubts, worries, that sort of thing. But there it is.
  25. Emma

    Labels

    By Emma,

    As I near my fourth anniversary on TG Guide I'm feeling a bit reflective. So much water under the bridge! Back then I was on pins and needles posting here as I worried about what I said (or didn't say), what my future might be. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself; I do wish to write another entry when we're closer to the anniversary itself.
    I've read a lot about labels and how much many people don't like them. If I was non binary I'd certainly understand. I think it would be so hard to walk in their shoes. I talked to a friend a couple of months ago. She's also trans, an MTF woman. She's adamant that she's a woman, nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I was and am perfectly fine with that. But it didn't fit for me.
    At the time I had been telling myself and anyone who'd listen that I was a transgender woman. In some ways I didn't feel I deserved to be labeled 'woman' without that qualifier and, regardless, I don't share cis women's experience of girlhood, puberty, and all the rest. And, as much as it is at times hard to bear, my face and voice are less identifiably feminine than I'd prefer. But they are what they are and in some ways I'm proud to let my "freak flag fly" as we used to feel back in the early 70s when our hair was long and we felt a solidarity in that. Not that I'm in any way a freak today; it's just that I'm less and less caring about how other people perceive me. Obviously I don't like being misgendered (it happened just this morning at my hotel breakfast in the dining room). I corrected her and we moved on. Hopefully she learned something. 
    When I talked to my therapist some weeks ago about this they (my therapist, Shannon, is non binary and they/them are their pronouns) they said that we needed to work on my capitalizing woman within my label as in "transgender Woman," to emphasize that I'm a woman first, transgender second. I didn't know how to do that and neither did they. As some know here I've been socializing with several lesbian women over the last few months at dinners, hiking, backpacking, etc., and I've asked them: "when you think or talk to me do you have to remind or monitor yourself to use feminine pronouns?" No, they all said. As far as they are concerned I'm a woman through and through. Cool.
    Of late I've been trying on a new label that I came up with. It's a bit wordier than I'd like but here it is: "woman with a transgender history." It is a bit longer than I'd like but I'm not sure how to shorten it without losing its meaning: I'm a woman, that's for sure, but I also have a transgender history, and that's for sure too. In a way my label follows "people of color" in that they are "people" first, and "of color" second, which indeed they are. It's like a lightbulb has lit up in my head why many of them prefer that label instead of "black" or other labels. 
    Maybe as time and experience progresses I'll drop the last part but in the meantime "woman with a transgender history" feels right to me. I rather like it!
    P.S. I'd also like to make another point. It's nice that Facebook and others have added new gender labels such as "transgender male," "transgender female," etc. I feel that they should also update their traditional labels to "cisgender male," and "cisgender female" which would, I think, force their cis membership to learn and consider something: that they are cis and that, as opposed to their trans counterparts, have their inner gender identity in line with their bodies. Lucky them, I guess, but despite the trials and tribulations of being trans I much prefer my current existence to being a cis male! 
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