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LovelyLisa

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Blog Entries posted by LovelyLisa

  1. LovelyLisa
    Today went much better. I had my moments but I was able to finally focus on work somewhat. I feel like I am putting on such an act all around it's crazy. But at least I wasn't going crazy or out of my mind.

    Anyways, I was contacted again by the therapist who closed her practice. She referred me to two people. I called one to set up an appointment after doing some research. I'll do more tonight.

    Last night I talked with my wife more. I told her more about myself. And dressing when I was much younger. She was surprised by this. But not in a bad way. I think that she was glad that I told her.

    Tomorrow is the Transgender Day of Rememberance (or Awareness). There is an outing in Oakton, VA. I wil probably not go because of schedule conflicts. But it is a day to remember all of those who came before us and to remember that we are all representatives of the TG community. We need to represent that community well. Because so many have sacrificed a lot in order to make the gains that we have seen recently.

    I am going to be out-of-town next week for Thanksgiving week, visiting my mom in Perrysburg OH with my family. She knows about me dressing from a very young age. However thinks that I gave it up. My sister knows though. I am going to sit down with my mom and tell her what is going on and happening with me. I just want her to know and want to find out if I have her support.

    So I want to gradually tell people. But not go crazy about it. Maybe one person every month or two. Just so I won't have a million bombs blowing up in my face at one time.

    Score:
    Female 2.5
    Male 0.5


    --Lisa
  2. LovelyLisa
    11/17/2014

    So out of the last two months, Monday had to be the worst gender - identity day for me. It was a crisis. Very distracting at work. I was sick to my stomach all day. Did not sleep well. All and all, not a good day to be a guy for me.

    I did ride the metro in. I am a big people watcher, so looking at all of the girls dressed to go to work made me think that I should be them. So, for me (just to let you know) this is no fantasy. I am extremely realistic about what I will encounter the first time I would ever go to work as a woman. However, it is to the point that I just can't take it anymore. My skin was crawling.

    I called a therapist that another girl had used when she transitioned, but they did not get back to me.

    Score:
    Female 1
    Male 0

    11/18/2014

    Today went much better. I was not so obsessed about it being a guy as I was on Monday. However, the feelings definitely persisted. I am a fighter. I am sure that I will continue to fight this (mind over matter). However, today I had no fight left after yesterday.

    However, I had a more productive day at work. And that is really another reason why transition is something that has to be on-the-table for me. Because these last two months it has been so bad, I have been in a daze. And even when, I don't have gender-identity issues, guess what? I still have a part of my day where I think about dressing and presenting as female. If I transitioned to female, I might have a ton of regrets. But I know I wouldn't dream about dressing or being a guy. That for me, has been wasted effort and bandwidth all of these years. Not having to think about being a different gender (though I am still me after all!), would not be a weight off of my shoulders but at least I wouldn't think about it all of the time.

    However, I have been dressing for years. Can do makeup and get read pretty quick. But it still is a pain in the ass. The expectations for women and how they dress are so high. I can't stand it. Anyways, that's the tradeoff.

    The therapist that I called on Monday did get back to me. Turns out she had just closed her practice but referred me to two other therapists. I was hoping to maybe get in this week, because I will be out next week visiting my mom. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed. But it has been how many years. I am super patient!

    Score:
    Female 2
    Male 0

    --Lisa
  3. LovelyLisa

    11/21 - 11/22/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    11/20/2014

    I had a better day than the rest of the week. I definitely felt more connected to being male.

    So, what I noticed when I was younger, was that stress would trigger feelings of wanting to dress or be female. But lately, it is the opposite. When I feel stress, I want to retreat to my male role. In my mind, being female increases the stress level. And I think that it is because I am seriously considering a transition.

    Anyways, I did have some big stressors that triggered this reaction. But the next day, I came through with flying colors.

    I did get in touch with the therapist. She had an opening on Friday and I took it. I also RSVP'd to the MAGIC meeting in Falls Church, VA on Friday (11/21)

    F 2.5
    M 1.5

    11/21/2014

    I had my first therapy session with some recommendations. One is that I need to get out more dressed to express myself. This could be support groups with other TGs or other social settings. Or it can be non-tg settings, in order to help me understand or acclimate in my potentially new role.

    I was happy with my therapist given it was a first session.

    Then I went to a transgender support meeting. That was interesting. Several people attended. I did not talk, only listened. There was a lot to digest. I will be thinking about that meeting probably until the next meeting.

    I went with a feminine look. I definitely stood out. I knew that I would, but was happy. I am extremely introverted, but have been coming out of my shell lately. I wanted to feel feminine and sexy. I'm sure I overdid it. But that is okay!

    F 3.5
    M 1.5

    --Lisa
  4. LovelyLisa

    11/22 - 11/23/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    11/22/2014

    Today I was 100% feeling female and thinking about it. It was distracting but since I didn't need to work or doing anything it was okay.

    I talked to my wife about my appointment with the therapist and going to the support group and mentioned that she recommended that I go out dressed as much as I need to meet others like me and get the support that I need. I told her that if I cannot get on top of this soon, I will need to transition. This was upsetting, and I knew that it would be however I just wanted her to know how despirate of a situation this was for me.

    I told her that I was still digesting the support group meeting. A lot was said and it was a bit much for me, attending for the first time. I am really thankful to have gone.

    11/23/2014

    This morning I was definitely feeling bad about my feelings of being female that I desired to be male. This used to happen to me a lot when I was younger, not so much now so it is surprising when it happens. It is this kind of self-loathing that I need to recognize for what it is. I need to acknowledge it but also not let it define me. I think that I did a good job. Later that day, I was better.

    I hate not being to wear whatever I want to. But understand why.

    --Lisa
  5. LovelyLisa

    11/24 - 11/26/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    11/24/2014

    So, we left to go to my mom's in Perrysburg OH. I was thinking about bringing some of my girl clothes with me but did not. As we left, I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety. Never felt this way before and don't know why. It's almost like I felt like I did not have that outlet if I needed it. However it felt much more than that.

    Anyways, the trip went well. Though most of the time I thought about what I was going to tell my mom regarding my current situation. She knows about me dressing and wanting to be a girl. However, I believe that she thinks it is no longer an issue.

    I definitely felt like a girl today.

    11/25/2014

    I'm at my mom's with my family. I worked in the morning, ran 7.5 miles and then went to the Toledo Zoo for the lights. It was really wonderful. I loved it. We were there for 4 hours. I used to go to the Toledo Zoo when I was young several times a year. So it brought back memories.

    They had a Santa that was there and the kids had their pictures taken with him. I wished that my dad was there. He would have loved it.

    11/26/2014

    My son had pink eye this morning so I had to take him to urgent care.

    I took him home while I got his prescription and went to Target while I waited. If anyone doesn't know already ... Target has awesome girl clothes (If you don't know this, then you can leave the cave now and enjoy). Anyways, I was looking for good workout clothes and cold weather gear for running. Anyways, Target used to have great runnning stuff for guys. Now, they have nothing for guys, only stuff for girls. So, I've been driven to crossdress (damn you, Target, damn you. ;-)). Anyways, I looked at their cold weather women stuff and liked but did not buy because I wanted to try it on, but did not have the time because I had to get back. May go back on Saturday and buy, because I need at least a couple pairs of warm fitted compression pants.

    --Lisa
  6. LovelyLisa

    11/27 - 11/28/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    11/27/2014

    I was up late the night before talking to my sister more about what I've been going through these past two and a half months. She just listened, didn't ask many questions. Looking back I wonder if I kind of lost her in the conversation. But I let her know what I'm feeling inside, some of the things that I talked to the therapist about. And let her know that if I don't get on top of this, I will probably need to transition. I think she understands but did not know what to think. I'm sure that hearing this from her older brother is strange.

    We talked about one of the reasons why I have not transitioned, that it is tough to be a woman. They (we) are judged so much by how we look, weight and appropriateness of attire. Women are actually more verbally critical than men, though men do judge more quietly. Anyways, it is constantly feeling like one is or needs to be on display just to go to work, shop, etc. I plan over the next several months or so, trying to get out more, so that I can engage more socially will other non-tg's, get used to getting dressed and wearing appropriate clothes, etc. Just so I know how to handle myself with grace. I am going to need to learn how to do this regardless of what happens.

    11/28/2014

    We spent most of the day driving back from my mom's. It gave me a lot of time to think. I am thankful for so much, that I sometimes worry about any future decisions to transition. Mentally, I have to stop doing this so that I can give myself an honest assessment of where I am at and what I should do without imposing barriers. Remove the barriers and focus more on what I should do or need to do. At my support group, there was someone there that said, "sometimes you just need to be a bulldozer". I think that recognizes the fact that I will never come to terms with all of these mental barriers I impose on myself and I just need to plow ahead. Plow ahead to what is more my question right now.

    --Lisa
  7. LovelyLisa

    11/29/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    11/29/2014

    I'm starting to wonder if I am not Trans Female rather bi-gendered. There are some mornings and I feel perfectly content getting up and being male. Other mornings, not so much. In general, I feel like I should have been born a girl, however, it is such a pain in the butt getting ready and presenting female. So, I don't know if my distain for getting ready is behind this or if I genuinely like being male some days, which would make me bi-gendered (though when I was 4 years old that was not the case). Anyways, this is all so confusing. Honestly, if I could comfortably live as a woman full-time, but occaisionally present as male or just dress in male clothes that might be a good stead-state for me. I don't know. We'll see.

    It is hard to know or to tell. I don't get as nervous about being a girl like I used to, however in a lot of ways I am just getting started. I will need to learn so many things and adapt in ways that I will not be comfortable with initially. If anything, I just need to remember to be myself. Once I stop doing that I will be right back where I started, in crisis-mode again.
  8. LovelyLisa
    On Tuesday, I went to my appointment to obtain hormones to start HRT at Whitman-Walker based on a recommendation from another trans friend. Thankfully, Whitman-Walker is located in Washington DC, not far from one of the offices where I work. WW provides specialized Transgender healthcare and also provide legal services, which is why I am so glad I live here. I dressed at work and went to my appointment as Lisa. It was my first time on the metro (which is a rail system primarily underground) as me and my first time at WW. But I thought that it was important for me to present as myself and I felt like I shouldn't be getting hormones and transitioning if I didn't do that. Also, they carefully screen everyone seeking hormones to make sure that they are a candidate. They require a letter from a therapist as well.

    Anyways, everything went well. It was a long appointment, about 2 hours. I filled out several forms before the appointment but they had more screening forms for me to fill out as well. The doctor asked me a lot of questions and said that I was a candidate and prescribed labwork that day. My followup were I get my results (and prescription, hopefully) is scheduled April 21, but I am going to see if I can have that moved up to the 16th to be coincident with my therapy appointment. All in all, the appointment went well, everyone was nice.

    I had laser on April 2, which went well. I have a followup appointment for electrolysis to address my gray hairs. She is also going to do a "touch up" laser treatment on the hairs that did not release. That appointment is on the 23rd.

    I am happy to get started. My future is uncertain. But at least I am on a path forward. I still have a lot of anxiety and my blood pressure is elevated, much higher than normal. I lost the ability to cope with this and it's been 3 weeks of feeling like this. I am going to talk to the doctor about some sort of anti-anxiety medication because it is starting to impact not just my well being but also my health.

    I have been getting a lot of support from several others asking if I wanted someone to come with me to my appointment, etc. It has been nice to know that there are others out there thinking about me. Everyone's support has been wonderful. I hope to pay it forward in the future.

    Needless to say, with my inability to cope with being a transwoman living a male life, I feel very vulnerable like I am walking on a tightrope with out a net. It feels daunting thinking about what I faced in the past and what I face looking forward. I often feel overwhelmed by anxiety. I hope, at least, I can find a medication to keep this at bay until I can cope again and / or transition.
    I hope that everyone has had a good week and thank you everyone for your support.

    Love, Lisa
  9. LovelyLisa
    I decided to start crafting a coming out letter. It has been a long time coming. I've read a lot about coming out to friends, family, children, coworkers, etc. Each is a unique audience. I wrote this first letter primarily to read to my pastor. If you could review and provide comments I would appreciate it. The one thing that I did not do in the letter, that so many other letters attempt to do is explain gender dysphoria or what transgender is or means. I consciously decided not to do that. First, if anyone has any questions I want them to approach me and ask. Second, what I've noticed in coming out letters, particularly ones that try to explain gender issues in a way that justifies transition, it is a slippery slope. In many letters, it is almost like the writer is giving the reader authority to weigh in or to disagree. So, I've tried to intentionally limit discussions of "Why" and "What I am". They can ask if they have questions and they can accept me. There is not a lot of middle ground here. Thank you for your help!

    "There is something that only very few friends and family know about me. Something that I have struggled with since I was a very young child. I have gender dysphoria. I have had therapy and attended support groups off and on for over the last 28 years or so to seek understanding and to cope with this. Over the last six months I have started attending therapy and support groups on a regular basis to gain support, knowledge and acceptance. Over the past month I have started to be treated medically based on the recommendation of my therapist and doctor.

    What does this mean? Over the next two to three years I will transition to living as a female. This will be an adjustment for everyone, particularly friends and loved ones who have always known me as Scott. There have been and will continue to be people who accept me unconditionally without any understanding. But I know there will be those who struggle with this, seeking some sort of logical argument or explanation prior to acceptance. I do not have a logical explanation for why I am this way or why I now feel that it is critical for me to live as a female after living as the gender that I was assigned at birth for 42 years.

    Why now? I have prayed about this since I was a child. I have asked for many things and made many promises to the Lord. I have asked the Lord to change me, to help me cope and to accept me. Each time I've prayed I have felt a love that is strong and accepting. I am female in mind and in spirit, but male biologically. There a many people in this world who face serious challenges. It just so happens that this is the life challenge that I was meant to face. I was made this way for a reason. I don't completely understand why yet or fully appreciate or comprehend. But I do know and have known for years that the Lord made me and he accepts me for who I am. What has been the most difficult for me is that even though I am accepted by Jesus, I have never fully accepted myself. Though I still do not fully accept myself, transitioning to living as female is a step towards this self acceptance. It is a very painful step for many involved, yet it is a necessary step for me to emerge from the shadows and to live an open, healthy life.

    I fully expect some anger, rejection directed towards me. No matter, I will always love those who have known me and supported me as Scott. However, for sanity sake I will step away and out of the lives of those who act out in destructive ways or are abusive. I will hope and pray that anyone who rejects me based on this will find the peace and joy that comes with acceptance. And my door will always be open to anyone who genuinely loves me and seeks understanding.

    One more thing, many transgender individuals who have gender dysphoria transition to their perceived gender or they commit suicide. My hope is that I can help others avoid this pain, isolation and rejection by setting a positive example and helping create an environment of acceptance and understanding. For people who are transgender, there is a lot of confusion mostly due to lack of support, misinformation and / or rejection by friends, family or society in general. In some way, I hope that I can help and "pay forward" much of the love and support that I have received over the years to others in need.

    In closing, if you have any questions about issues related to gender identity or gender dysphoria, please approach me and ask me those questions. I am looking forward to discussing as well as providing resources to those who genuinely seek understanding.

    Thank you for your love and support."
  10. LovelyLisa

    Funeral

    By LovelyLisa,

    These last few months, I've been in a rut. A real rut. And on occasion this rut is deep, dark and I've had claw myself out of it.
    Thankfully, I've had friends who have been pulling me out of it, checking on me even though I have not asked for help. Often there is a great deal of shame in admitting that I need help, pride that I  can conquer things on my own and also the feeling like I am troubling others with my problems.
    Though there are times where we all must walk alone with only the Lord Jesus holding our hand, it does not have to be that way. There are people there to help, just ask. Unfortunately, those who need the help, are in most cases, the least likely to ask.
    This weekend I went to the funeral of my cousin, who took his own life. He was struggling, but most in the family had no idea that this was going on. Several years ago, he lost a child, he lost his mother (my aunt) and recently his daughter has had struggles. I knew about her struggles. I was corresponding with her after reaching out, but had no idea that her dad was having difficulties of his own. They have no knowledge of my struggles and even though my mom knew what was going on with my cousin, she didn't tell me because she knew of my struggles and didn't want to burden me further. Does any of this make sense?
    The only conclusion I can draw from this is that we need to reach out and stay in contact with others who we care deeply about, because some day they may be gone. We also need to reach out to those people we don't know, who we suspect are having difficulty.
    My cousin did all sorts of things for complete strangers. He once bought new glasses for someone he saw at a restaurant who had duct tape holding together his glasses (even though he barely had enough money of his own). He constantly helped and lended a hand to anyone who was in obvious difficulty.
    The guy he bought glasses for, that story stands out because he posted something on Facebook.
    Well, I am heartbroken. Everyone is. I've having a difficult time accepting what happened.
  11. LovelyLisa

    Gender Dysphoria

    By LovelyLisa,

    My gender dysphoria has been really bad again this week. I did outline roadmap for myself, still working on it. But I need to get started with hormones and hair removal.

    I don't know what else to do!

    -Lisa
  12. LovelyLisa
    I had a good week last week and this one is turning out to be just as good. First, I finally feel stabilized on my meds over a week ago.
    This past weekend I met up will a large group of ladies for a Christmas party at the Marriott. That was nice. I posted one of my pictures.
    My job is going well. I am feeling good and in good shape. Everything seems to be better. I am mentally strong again.
    I hope that all is well with everyone.
    Happy Holidays,
    --Lisa
  13. LovelyLisa
    Had another good week. I feel like a survivor but I want to be more than that.
    This week I closed out a project that I had led for almost 2.5 years. It was extremely difficult and often went from one crisis to the next. Unfortunately, several of us paid a price personally because of this project. We either suffered due to the personalities that we were subject to or had to make extreme personal sacrifices in order to be successful. Several of us had mental breakdowns because it would be too much at times. So, I couldn't help but sit back in my chair today at work and reflect on not only what was accomplished, but also what happened, what I learned from the experience and how I grew as a person.
    There is no doubt, I am more patient and mature. No doubt. I know how to better deal with others who go beyond difficult to hostile. And what I learned is to be kind, loving and gracious. Kill them with kindness. That was basically what I did. Also, to not be the smartest person in the room, but the kindest. I had several people tell me things like, "you are too nice" or "you are way too kind". "You need to be tougher, more aggressive." And the question I would ask is, "How? How is someone more aggressive and tougher? At what point does one cross the line? And what constitutes toughness, exactly? What does being "tough" really mean?". With love and kindness, there is no line to be crossed. No way a person can run afoul of authority being excessively kind. I can express an unending and unconditional love to all ... and not get in trouble. And there is nothing anyone can do about, other than fire me...for being kind and loving. Yeah. I guess it's possible. But why would anyone do that?
    I also learned how to be better prepared and prepare for success, not failure. To always look ahead. Look for opportunities in the most challenging and dire situations and environments. Listen to what people have to say, respond and act. Take control of a situation when no one is leading. If it is your meeting, run the meeting. If someone is leading, respect their leadership and defer to them. And most of all, be the best you can be in any situation and task. That way at the end of the day, week, month, year or life there is no reason to look back with regret.
    Anyways, those are my two cents at the moment. Just decompressing after the week, a little tired, sick .. but already planning for a successful 2016.
    On the personal side, I will have some time off. Will look to continue to improve physically and give myself a break mentally. I have almost lost 50 pounds. I plan on losing about another 7 pounds but stay at that weight for the next few years and let HRT do some of the work for me. As of today, I have been on HRT for 8 months. I look like a totally different person. It's amazing how much I have changed in such a short period of time.
    If I happen to not post anything else for the remainder of the year, happy holidays to everyone and a happy new year! I will try to post a couple of updates over the next two weeks, but may not because I'll be focused on being with my family.
    Take care, love to all and God Bless everyone!!
    Love, Lisa
  14. LovelyLisa

    Hormones, Blockers

    By LovelyLisa,

    So, I had a follow-up appointment this week at Whitman-Walker. My blood tests came back normal, they received my recommendation letter from my therapist. I was prescribed T-blockers will get blood work again in three weeks and then if all goes well, start Estrogen two weeks after that (May 13th).

    So I have my script and I will pick it up tomorrow. I can't wait to get moving on this!

    All of the dark hairs did fall out two weeks after the laser. In the meantime, I don't need to wear so much makeup, which is awesome and makes me feel so much better.

    I had my therapy appointment. A lot of things happened this month that we covered. I am also going to start carrying recommendation and safety letters with me. Recommendation letters are for medical appointments, as needed. The safety letter if I get into a jam, particularly with law enforcement, for some other authority, should I need it (like getting pulled over).

    We also talked about coming out to my children, my pastor. After two years, my wife still hasn't seen me dressed. That is something I need to work on to set up a time with her to see me. I may just need to surprise her, but that is a last resort. I would rather not do that.

    I hope that everyone has had a good week. I love all of you!

    Lisa :)
  15. LovelyLisa
    Introduction

    Hello my name is Lisa. I am a transgendered mtf. I've wanted to be female since I was 4 years old which was long time ago. I literally started dressing at 4 years old in preschool. They had womens dress up clothes. Their were no issues when I was the only one that wanted to dress up. But when I convinced all of the boys in the class to do it, those girly clothes just vanished.

    Later in first grade I wanted to be in Brownies but was soundly rejected in front of class, which was embarrassing. That's when I started to realize that there may be an issue with dressing, being one of the girls or female. I continued to dress at home. So the strange thing is for awhile there was always a dress and tights in my closet to wear. Had to be my mom. Anyways, I continued to dress in her stuff until I was in 8th grade and that is when I started to get my own stuff. Freshman year in high school, I continued to build my stash of clothing and go out in public on Saturdays or Sundays. Often I would leave the house and not come back for hours, go to Kmart or the mall. Until I was caught at the end of my freshman year during summer break. I had to give it all up and go to therapy. It was a trust thing. My parents had no idea I was going to the mall which was 16 miles from our house. Anyways, I stopped dressing until my senior year, I started again. But it was off and on until my junior year, when I started dating a girl. It did not work out. And after my third purge I was dressing again after college until I met my future wife. Meanwhile, my strong feelings of being in the wrong body subsided and I liked being me. I was very career oriented and driven. However, after about three years and being married for about a year, I started to dress again. I attributed it to job stress, but I started in a big way. That was around 2001. And it continued for all my business trips. I switched jobs in 2002 and it continued through two kids. A business that lasted for about 8.5 years.

    But then the business failed. I had to start a new less glamourous job in a bad economy after taking it in the shorts financially. The job was terrible. I was unhappy. I found out my dad was dying. That my mom maybe as well. Feelings started to return. I started not only questioning myself and my decisions but also my gender. I finally told my wife the truth that I had been living with being transgendered for a while, that it had subsided but that the feelings have come back. She understood but was very upset. We talked about it off and on for a couple months. At the time, I was ok. It wasn't a crisis and I was extremely thankful for everything that I had, even the job I did not like.

    My wife told me that if I was going to transition, that I needed to tell her because she did not want me to do it when I was 50 or 60 and put her life on hold in the process. I promised her that I would. So fast forward a year and a half. I'm doing well at the job, they are really happy. I make a two major milestones. My dad passes away. My mom appears to be ok. But I am no longer career oriented. And so for the last two months I started to have a crisis about my gender and gender identity. And for a while, I could not understand, why now? I last Friday 11/14/2014, I think that I figured it out. I am no longer career oriented on the treadmill to the top. My dad passed away. I don't have any major milestones in my life at the moment, which has given me time to step back subconsciously and start to question what I questioned when I was four. Why am I male? Why did God make me this way?

    So, once I had that epiphany, I sat down and talked with my wife again. She was upset but supportive. She thinks that I am lying to myself and that I need to transition now. I still love her and am attracted to her, but she has left no doubt that she will not stay with me if I do.

    Purpose of this Blog

    So, what I suggested to my wife is that I seek a therapist who specializes in transgender issues and transition. My first goal is to see if this is temporary and if there are techniques to cope with this. I will give it a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 6 months if there is anything that the therapist suggests that is worth trying. Including just going to therapy and working through all of the issues.

    The purpose of this blog is for me to document this and share. But also, it will force me to sit down each day and document how the day went, etc. And really it is to keep score of how I feel each day. What I hope to gain from this is not just support but a sense of self-awareness that I have been lacking all of these years because I have been so driven to be successful (whatever that is or means).

    Also, during this period I am going to consistently seek outlets for being "me". So that, even though I am part-time, I can experience things that I would if I transitioned, etc. That part doesn't worry me too much and I think that it will help. At the end of the 6 months (if it lasts that long) I will have a record of how I feel, my progress that I can look back on. It will help me make a decision on where I need to go and need to be. I'm about 50/50 at this point (which is saying a lot) I only though about transition very infrequently in the past. Anyways, thank you for this venue and blog. I hope that there are others that get something out of this, like me.

    --Lisa
  16. LovelyLisa
    My dosage of Estradiol has been increased. I am looking forward to the changes that come with that. So far I've noticed the following changes:
    - Overall, I am much more calm and patient. Though, because I haven't transitioned yet and feel kind of trapped I get impatient and angry.
    - I am much more focused. More than I have been my whole life!
    - Overall, I sleep much better at night. I can sleep 12, 13, 14 hours straight if I really need it. I was totally unable to do that before. Though, lately I have woken up in the middle of the night anxious (like I used to). I have brief periods of fear and anxiety that I am going to lose everything and everyone due to transition.
    - My sex drive is less. Actually, when I started HRT, the first four weeks, my sex drive dropped to zero, but has bounced back. Still lower.
    - Physically, the only thing I've noticed is some shrinkage below  and my breasts are swollen and a little sore if I press on the nipple.
    - My appetite is about the same but I get the munchies much less, which has been the killer for me!
    Hopefully, not TMI. But I wanted to share. I've only been on HRT for two months, but have noticed changes. Mentally, it has been dramatic. Physically, not as much. I would imagine with the increase in estrogen, the pace of change will pick up.
  17. LovelyLisa
    It has been quite awhile since I have updated. A lot has happened over the last two months. Recently I attended the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, VA which is less than a 2 hour drive for me. I only attended the conference Friday and Saturday, had a wonderful time, a bit tired but learned a lot. My primary reason for attending was to meet with several surgeons and get consultations for FFS. I also wanted to attend the sessions, meet others. Before I arrived to the conference, I did try to get on the schedules of surgeons for consultations so that I can get estimates and potentially schedule surgery.
    So I only had two consultations with Dr. Rumer and Dr. Leis. They are local to the Philly area so they are very accessible for me. I was please with both doctors. I also attended their informational sessions at the conference. I showed them a pencil drawing that I did of myself when I was 17 years old (I posted it here for reference), just to show them how my face has changed over the years.  Specifically, there is a bump on my nose, the distance between nose and upper lip is a little longer. My jawline more pronounced. But what has changed the most is my brow. It is very pronounced. Given the changes to my face, I still wouldn't change much, but the brow and pronounced trachea I really need to address. I received an estimate from Leis for the brow reduction, lift, scalp advancement, rhinoplasty, lip lift and tracheal shave. I am getting an estimate from Dr. Rumer for the same, but she suggested fat injections in the cheeks. I am waiting to receive an estimate from her via email. I was really excited about it, because I feel like I am taking the first concrete steps towards my goal of working full-time as a woman.
    I also talked with James Walker out of Buffalo, NY who does full beard clearances. I have had 4 full face and neck laser treatments and 37 hours of electrolysis over the last 11 - 12 months. But it is not progressing fast enough and I would like to accelerate it. I am hoping to get on his schedule the first week of April. He travels and will be in Harrisburg, then.
    I will be posting more soon. A lot has happened in my life.
    Love and Sunshine,
    Lisa
     

  18. LovelyLisa

    Meltdown

    By LovelyLisa,

    I took some time off of work. It was wonderful. 11 days off. Spent a lot of time with my family and my children. So as with everything, it is just a fleeting moment, a "snapshot in time". I had to go back to work and my wife took the kids to her parents to FL to visit.
    Right off the bat, I MISS ALL OF THEM!! They left Sat morning, but I found myself in full meltdown mode on Sunday night. And I found myself seriously questioning transition. I cannot remember the last time I called "home" in tears. Nothing is stronger than the human bond.
    Anyways, I mentioned in previous blog posts that I've had these minor panics in the middle of the night. Mostly based on transition.
    I called my mom last night, because I knew that I needed it. She and I had the most frank conversation about being trans*, what it means, how "I feel". She still does not understand, but is very supportive, which I am so thankful for.
    Anyways, I told her that she, my sister and my family (my wife, kids and silly dog) are the most important people in my life. That when I started to take Estradiol, I started to think more clearly than I have for many, many years. And that I wish I wasn't this way, was having second thoughts of transition and that the death of my dad may have something to do with a lot of what I've been going through over the last 9 months. There are other things like losing my business of 8 years, working in DC and having to deal with a terrible commute and the stress of the job.
    Anyways, she encouraged me to talk with my wife and to think about what I want to do. I told her that my desire to transition was extremely strong, until HRT but that a cloud was lifted when I started HRT and that the Testosterone was causing me to be super aggressive and driven to transition, was gone. Make no mistake. I have been TG my whole life, but this is an adjustment not having T in my system.
    So, what I told her was that in a perfect world, I would have transitioned when I was child, but that did not happen. Instead, I learned to be male. Being male, versus female, has been such a big part of my life that it has screwed me up. I have learned to socialize as male versus female. This is a huge uphill climb for me.
    Anyways, there is a saying that, "getting old is not for sissies". Neither is transition. I will find my way at some point.
    On an up note, I talked to my mom about moving closer to me. She asked me if that is what I wanted and I said absolutely yes! Anyways, my hope is that by the end of next year, we can make it happen. She is one source of my panic. I am afraid of losing her and my sister. So I am hoping that the both of them will be able to move down.
    Sorry for the fatalistic, crazy diva dump, which is what I've felt like recently. This is hard stuff, it can be situational and very different for everyone. I am just thankful for my family and for the support that I've received here.
    I love you all and thank you for your love and support.
    Love and Blessings,
    Lisa
  19. LovelyLisa

    My Love, My Life

    By LovelyLisa,

    "My Love, My Life" were the words I had inscribed inside my wife's wedding band. I really meant it. She was and is everything to me. I love her so much.
    A few weeks ago, my wife told me she did not want to be with me anymore. She explained that she is not a lesbian. That she tried, but needs to be with a man and wants to start dating. I knew that she was struggling with my transition and our relationship. Many times in the past, she has said that if I transition, that she would not stay with me. Last year she had a change of heart, yet our relationship has changed. We are still loving with each other. She is my best friend. Yet she is not attracted to be anymore. We haven't had sex in 2.5 years. There are a lot of couples that stop having sex. But obviously this was something my wife needs.
    She started to cry. I felt so bad for her. I was so sweet with her, I hugged her and told her that it was okay. I told her that I loved her, totally understood why she felt that way and supported her. That she was brave for saying what she said and that I am proud of her. I smiled and showed her so much love, the kind of unconditional love that I promised to give her when I married her. She is really an awesome person and woman. I am so fortunate to have had her in my life and shared so much of my life with her (the last 18 years). I've told her many times, that our marriage was "it" for me. I never want to be married to anyone else. But, there are no guarantees in life. She needs more than what I have to give. And honestly, we have grown apart. I am not the best and smartest spouse in the world. But I am the most kind and loving that she will ever meet.  That does count for a lot and is very important. But that is not enough in our marriage. My attraction to her is still really strong and I told her that, not to make her feel bad but to let her know that I still find her desirable.
    Last week, she suggested that I start dating guys. I have never been with or dated a man before. Mostly because I have not been physically attracted to guys and much more attracted to females, my wife specifically. It was a strange conversation. I don't know where it was coming from. Honestly, these next two or three months, I have a lot of things I am trying to tackle and dating is not in my forethought. But realistically, that is what I face in my future. Finding someone else who wants to share their life with me. Being a transwoman, this may be a difficult task. But I am not stressed out about it, because I have a lot of really awesome new friends that I can rely on who are very special and dear to me. I am very thankful for them and everyone who has stuck by me through all of this, especially my wonderful wife who I love and respect dearly.
    It is so important to find love and happiness in life. I hope that all of us find what we seek.
    Love and Blessings to All on this Special Day!!
    --Lisa
     
  20. LovelyLisa

    New Year 2016

    By LovelyLisa,

    This week I had to work, but I was able to reflect a bit on what was a difficult last three years or so. It's seems as though just in the last three weeks as I have stabilized, I have been able to focus, be more task-oriented, yet be able to look forward, plan and conceptualize what my future might look like or what may be possible.
    It is always difficult to say what will happen. Yet I won't let that deter me from making sound plans for myself that are achievable. I have a few focus areas for next year: my family and friends ... work continuously to strengthen many of the life-long relationships that I've had with my friends and strengthen ties with family. Seek out allies. People who I think will support me as I transition. Make new friends and network. Spend more time with not only trans* folks but cigender folks as well so that I can start to socialize in my new role. Come up with a more solid transition plan. But at the same time, not rush into anything or put undue pressure on myself to meet a deadline.
    The holidays can be painful for many people. I am thankful that I was able to spend this time with my family. I've lost many people I have loved over the last couple years. And otherwise things were extremely difficult for me for several other reasons. But I am thankful. We all are happy, healthy. We have a wonderful life and home together. I am getting what I need to transition and take care of myself. And most importantly, I have the loving support of my family. Life is a struggle. Eventually, we all lose this struggle. It's what we do during the struggle, which defines who we are. And as bad as things can be, we need to look for the little things to enjoy in life. For me it is my children, the outdoors and riding my bike. And focus on the positives and what is good in a given situation. And invest in the relationships we do have. And create new lasting friendships. It costs nothing to be kind and loving to others. Don't harbor anger. Forgive and love others. Even when they seem beyond loving. It's all tough stuff. And transition is tough stuff.
    If anyone is struggling, please feel free to send me a message. I am here for anyone who needs it. I can be a friend if you need a friend or someone to talk to. Just let me know.
    I hope that everyone is having a good Christmas and has a wonderful New Year in 2016. I think that it will be a good one! (I hope ... LOL!)
    Love and Blessings,
    --Lisa
  21. LovelyLisa

    Summer

    By LovelyLisa,

    Warning - this is a boring post. Thank goodness, lol!
    I am doing better since my last post. Things have stabilized.  I talked with my wife today and she was warm and reaffirming. I've been biking a lot. I rode 50 miles yesterday and almost 80 miles today with a friend from my support group. I am getting ready for the Reston Century in two weeks. Still have more work to do, if I am going to make it. But I feel better about my chances.
    I did go to my therapist appt two weeks ago, but have missed a couple support group meetings as well as "going out" events. Part of it is that I've been out of town quite a bit, on vacation or travel. Things should settle down bit after my kids go to school. This summer has been much busier than I expected overall. In fact, I missed three weeks of electrolysis appts. I'll miss again next week as well.
    I went to an appt to get blood work this week, for the first time since starting Estradiol. Everything came out normal, however I don't know what my levels are yet. I have a follow-up appt scheduled next week, but will need to reschedule to the following week.
    I hope that all is well with everyone. I am feeling much better. Hope that will continue and hope that all is well with all of you.
    --Lisa
  22. LovelyLisa
    As the saying goes, "As one transitions, those around them transition as well." I am reminded of this fairly frequently, but more-so this week. My mom and sister have been struggling with my transition.
    My mother and sister still live in the Northwest Ohio area. I told them of my transition and being transgender at different times. I came out to my sister back in April 2014. I came out to my mom later that year. I have struggled with my gender identity my whole life. My mom was vaguely aware of this struggle in my early years. Eventually, I was put in therapy when I was 14 years old to address what was going on with me. My parents really did not know why I was dressing and going out in public. They thought I was acting out. That I was engaging in risky behavior. But they did not understand or know what it was. I did not know what it was either.
    After a year or so of therapy, my therapy ended and was considered "successful". Successful in helping me repress my true gender identity and successful in fooling everyone that I was "normal". Whatever "normal" is. So fast forward 30 years. My father passed away a year and a half ago. My mom is struggling with his death and all of the ramifications of that. And she is struggling with my transition. Not just coming to terms with it. But also trying to understand how this could happen. Naturally as a concerned parent, she is looking back trying to understand how she missed this. She is also trying to fill in her history with the story of my experience.
    This past week, she has struggled with the coming "death" of my male gender and what that means to her.  Getting used to having a new daughter and no longer a son. Does she call me by my female name? Or my male name? I told her to call me whatever she felt comfortable calling me. That it was okay and natural and that she needed time to get used to this. My hope is that eventually it will be difficult to call me her son. But I understand that to her, I am her only boy. She was concerned that I would demand that she refer to me as a daughter and that it was going to take her time getting used to it. I told her that as long as someone's intentions were not malicious that I wouldn't be upset if someone misgendered me or forgot to call me by my female name.
    My sister is having the same difficulty with having a sister versus brother. The sense of loss is very real. Even though I am the same person, in this very bigendered world, we wrap our identities in our gender roles. Those around us interact based on how we present ourselves and are perceived. This is more-so the case in a close knit family. And when we no longer act or present in a way that represents our gender roles since birth, this is considered an act of rebellion, an affront to  "normal" people who consider this "abnormal". How people deal with this, depends partly on them and their relationship with me.
    Regardless, my expectations are the same. I expect to be treated with respect and expect to be accepted without understanding. My word taken at face value. Yet, I will cut everyone some slack. My transition will take time for people to adjust to. Some more than others. I have been struggling with my gender identity for 40 years. If it takes people some time to adjust and get used to it, not having that experience, it is totally understandable.
    Everyone take care. I hope that everyone has had a wonderful week.
    Love,
    Lisa
     
     
  23. LovelyLisa

    This week ...

    By LovelyLisa,

    Before my wife knew about me, she wondered if our son, who is was 4 years old, might be transgendered. I told her that I did not think so. For a variety of reasons. But lately my feelings on that have changed.

    Over the last few months, he has been immensely interested in girl dolls. Lately, Barbie and American Girl. When my wife was about to donate my daughter's Kit doll, my son, now 6 years, just about pitched a fit, so we let him have her. Anyways, American girl dolls have matching outfits for the girls as well as the books. This was the first thing that he asked for. Unfortunately, my wife had gotten rid of the clothes my daughter wore and the books.

    Two weeks ago, my son told me that he wished that he could wear the same clothes as Kit to school, that he felt like he was both a girl and a boy (bigendered), but he was afraid that he would be embarrassed. I did not say much other than to ask why. After that, he has been either asking for matching Kit clothes or a life-sized girl doll that he can dress with real girl clothes.

    This past Saturday my son wanted me to put up posters in his room. As we were up there, he reiterated his desire for a full-sized doll. Which is when I asked him the point blank question, "do you want to have a full sized doll so that you can wear the clothes as well". He said yes. I asked him what types of clothes he wanted to wear and he said dresses. He showed me the types of dresses and even mentioned a dress (in great detail) that he wanted from Target. Anyways, I could tell that he was embarrassed about it. I told him that there was nothing wrong with wearing girl clothes, wanting to wear girl clothes or to be a girl. That I loved him no matter what. He said "Thank you, Daddy" and gave me a hug. We talked for a few more minutes and then I went to talk with my wife, who talked with him.

    But I went downstairs and cried. In a way I was thankful that he could come and talk to me about it. But at the same time, I was hoping that he would not have the same struggles that I had and am having with gender.

    I talked with my wife later and told her that I think we need to let him express himself and that at some point, I need to let him know about me. She is worried about the struggle at school. Though they have a TG policy, just instituted this year at my son's school, it will be hard. Also, she is worried that he is not reading. I told her, this might be a reason. Anyways, I felt so bad for her. She has a husband who is thinking about transitioning and now a son that wants to be a girl at school. Though, she said that maybe me coming out to her two years ago and going through this was to prepare for what my son is going through. It's hard to say. But, I know this. I will fight like an angry momma bear for him. And so will his momma.

    --Lisa
  24. LovelyLisa

    This week 2015-01-26

    By LovelyLisa,

    Week of 2015-01-26
    So I thought I posted this, but did not. Don't know what happened.
    I did talk with my wife last week about having difficultly in not transitioning and being transgender and that I think that I need to transition. I told her that I talked to my therapist about and that she would recommend me, just based on the few sessions I had. She cried and reminded me that she wanted to be married to a man. I cried as well. She said that this would be so hard and how do you plan on doing this without creating tons of problems. And I said that I did not know. But I was planning on resigning from the church vestry if I did transition. And even though I know the church would support and accept me, that I would probably leave because I would not want to rip the church apart.

    Another question she asked was, "why now?" And I told her I did not know why, but that I think it has to do with me tying my identity to my career / job. My dad dying may have something else to do with it as well. I also told her that, if I did transition, it would not be for 2 to 3 years. I told her that she was all that I have ever wanted that I would continue to work and fight for this family through my transition. And continue to do whatever I had to, in order to support my family.

    I told her again that I've felt like this my whole life, since being 3 or 4 years old. That there are so many ways that we sin or behave badly, and that in most cases when we are young those things are put on us as youth. But this is the one of those things that society or family did not put on me... it was always there. I didn't know anything about being gender-variant until I was in 5th grade.

    The next day driving to work in the morning she called me, which she never does. She told me that no matter what I do, that I will support you. For me, that means the whole difference in the world. It is not a promise, because nothing in life is guaranteed. But what it means to me is that she will stand by me and support me through this if I decide to transition or not. Which will make the difference between those who are on the fence or will attack me based on this decision.

    --Lisa
  25. LovelyLisa

    Transition Update

    By LovelyLisa,

    My FFS surgery is scheduled for 12/2. My full-time date at work is 12/19. I am still part-time, but dress almost all of the time, except work. I have been on HRT for almost 17 months and filling in nicely.
    My name change order came through. I was going to change my license but have been sick the last few days. With work, I haven't gotten to it. But that is next as well as my SS Card. Then my passport.
    More disclosures. What I am finding is that everyone is accepting at first, but after the shock wears off, not everyone is. So I am plowing ahead past my surgery and full-time date. It's like I am racing before anyone tries to get in my way or gives me a lot of grief over it. So a lot of people know ... but there are many more who I still want to tell. This is such an emotional thing for me. That it is hard to be objective about it. I am finding that the closest of family members and friends are the ones who have the hardest time dealing with it.
    I have been working with HR to update the policy and come up with a communications plan to the company and customers. Not everyone knows yet, just management, task leads and HR. But everyone will find out in November.
    I have support group tomorrow and I am trying to organize my thoughts. So much has happened these last two months.
    Love to all,
    --Lisa
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