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Michele800226

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Blog Entries posted by Michele800226

  1. Michele800226
    Hi there
     
    Blessed be to all.
     
    As I start off thinking about myself, I know if I could change anything about myself, it would be:
    My gender by protecting myself from having to experience gender specific issues the world have, Keep my height and weight Be fit and limber, a perfectionist when it comes to kungfu, tai chi, tae kwan do, and numerous other martial arts formforms Speak language I stil understand and more, German, Dutch, Italian, French, Spanish, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese, Hindi, Urdu.  Okay just be a linguist that catches languages in mere minutes, but be as fluent in Afrikaans and English ooh and make that Xhosa, Zulu, Pedi, Tswana.  Not that I'm not fluent in Afrikaans (kinda suck at it, but still have a better understanding then most people), and more so in English. (Okay my first language was Afrikaans, but as the business language changed in South Africa, so I began speaking, reading, and writing much less and in some cases I just stopped.) Okay, my list is much longer but I don't want to keep typing in 5 or 6 hours just to be busy with what I would change, but in te end if I changed anything in my past I wouldn't be the same Michele Heynes that I am today.
     
    I am
    Tall (5'8¼) 1.74m Slender enough (140Lbs) 63kgs, yes fattish if you talk about a model Speak, read and write in Afrikaans and English more then proficiently.  Speak mixed up in German and Dutch, and understand on a basic level, speaker screwed up in Mandarin and Xhosa, more so Mandarin then Xhosa, mixing Xhosa and English and I'm proficient on a basic understanding levelevel Hazelnut colored eyes Know I'm originally intersexed, but will rather just be me Know my weapons and cars Not afraid to die, death becomes us all, but not before I used my punani. The point I'm trying to make is this easy...
     
    We all are unique individuals, our own strengths and weaknesses, desires and fears.  By accepting the struggles we had to endure even if it almost took a lifetime for some to maintain or gain the confidence to soldier in and be true to ourselves.  Like Jazz who was fortunate enough to present as female from a young age.  Kaitlyn on the other side of the spectrum that waited to be true to herself very late in life.  Or life me that would verbalize what I was feeling and have always been true to myself but knew for he kind of work I wanted to do, I knew the struggles would inadvertently only allowing me to start transition in my early 30s and keeping a fight I never thought I would have to endure.  Oh well, the fight was as I expected unpredictable and unnerving.  My humanity was questioned as selfpreservation kicked in and an analytical bitch with fighting and research capabilities.
     
    So even if you wished you could've change the past, leave it as is, because we never will be the same for the actions we changed in our past.
     
    Lots of love, hugs and kisses.
     
    Be who you need to be and forget about the past you wishing to change, as it would inevitably leave a person in your wake that no one can think off or would want to be at any hotel or between people of interest
    Cheers
    Michele​
  2. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Reason I say there I go again, I had to play car fixer again for my sister.  Do you girls and guys realize that a car is heavy to push on your own.  But this time round, I reversed the car into the garage, because there is no way in hell that I am pushing that heavy () car again to have to start.
     
    I hope that my sister doesn't stuck tomorrow with the car as she goes to work.  I don't know where it is draining the battery from and I didn't have enough time to trace the fault as I was working.
     
    Ooooooh, some guy asked to see a picture of me and I just handed my phone over and I was looked at and asked a few questions, as he figured out from my instagram (@michelintrans) that I changed, but thought that I was transgender ftm.  I was laughing and said, no.  But yes, this was because I am just as naughty as the guy that asked to see some pics of me.  Yes, he saw my ass, and it's perky as heel, so I am not ashamed of artistically taken pics.  And it wasn't like I was naked, I was dressed in underwear and only kept the artistic not sleazy pics, the rest were deleted.  I even prove that underwear can be used to fight in and showed that I can be a sword wielding biatch, although it was with a WW2 relic, bayonette sword.  That doesn't mean that I don't know how to use a sword, remember is was the only size I could handle as a child to not injure myself when I started my sword works, and I love it as it reminds me of how brave my dad was in real life, and that he is proud of me where he is.
     
    Need to run, my baby is running low on nappies and I have to drive to a shop with his brand as he soaks the bed if you buy inferior nappies.
     
    Love, Respect, Hugs, Adoration, and Understanding
    Michele
     
    Ps.  No one can see my pics on instagram without me accepting them.  I locked it for my own privacy.
  3. Michele800226
    Hi there everybody
     
    Can't say that it's been a long time, but I've been busy and attempting to get this done for a while now.
     
    So I recently got my medical aid bill, and low and behold i underwent radiology for the week I was in hospital without me knowing.  I know precisely which drip it was in after thought, but still I like my doctors to be open to me because that is what I do.  If I wasn't open, I would've let them put me with the guys, and never have told the medical staff I was transgender in the first place.  And in retro spec, I assume I would've gone under the knife.  Idiot and I would've been capable of going on lower doses of medication.  But then again I believe the best medical treatment can only be given if your doctor have all the necessary information, of which I could determine that he was transphobic and still a good doctor, that at least put his prejudice aside to treat me.
     
    Got back to work 2 weeks later still feeling under the weather and in so much pain, seeing that the infection was from my abdomen to my crotch area, and effected my balance and core strength.  Being tender and weak for literally and figuratively 6 weeks.  Yes, I finally felt how everyone else felt, vulnerable.  But I faked it through that timeframe to look strong.  Went though a week of crying at work, because pressure I normally could handle, but hey it seemed like all the strong women were vulnerable that week, so I was not alone.
     
    An instruction came that we must only wear uniform from now on, and it came before I was ready to wear a firearm.  So to my dismay, I had to fake being stronger even more to keep people at bay.  Yeah, no incidents, or so I thought.  Got asked to drop something and there I drive into a fight with knives wearing uniform and in a marked vehicle, so couldn't even attempt to keep myself safe by leaving it alone.  I did the only thing I could think of to safeguard me and the passenger (a clerk), use my weapon only to stop the fight and make those men drop their knives before they reach us as a way to get the upper hand.  Situation defused, and I carried on.  And yes, the though went through my head, what if I had to shoot one or both of the men.  And the other thought that was spinning in my head wasn't just our safe or taking them out fast when the situation asks for it, but I can't look weak in the face of danger.  The one thing I appreciated was the clerk with me had reservist training, so also knew how to deal with the situation, although she hasn't been in the field for a long time, and it seems where firearms are drawn or I need to act she is almost always with me.  And it always happens in a ganster ridden area, I am only driving with her in calm areas from now on.
     
    Then I had a make-upless day two weeks ago and the wet hair picture attached was that day.  The others were taken basically a week later while I was waiting on someone to return.
     
    I also found out the woman I thought was quiet, is actually rude, and brings out my defenses and I had to put her on her place once in a shouting match.  But now, I get the evil eye from her and I just pretend she is a bad demon that is trying to get back into this realm to wreak havoc on earth, as she was vanquished previously.  And my answer to her questions will always be negative for her, because I can't help evil in any way or form.
     
    I'm also laughing at my kids, not biological at all.  But last night the 14 year old runs up to me asking how his other mother is doing.  Shame, he definitely have too many mother.  Two extra this side, one where he lived the most of his life, and a multitude of grandparents.  I was told I have to many fathers for my children, and I said, "No way, I only have one man with two children, not a different daddy for each child."
     
    So we have caught up from where I last said I was admitted to hospital to now.
     
    Ps.  I needs to release from frustrations and almost threw the one guy off the back of a bakkies (South African term for a pick-up truck) while flinging tyres at him.  But he was understanding and told me, I should've warned him that my body was still sore on the inside and he would've moved the 24 tyres on his own.
     
    I bid you farewell for now.  Have a peaceful time, and remember, safety in number.  Be safe, secure, and love yourself because if you can't appreciate yourself, others will find it hard to find you worthy, even though you are all perfectly imperfect just like me.   Who wants to be perfectly perfect, not me!!!
     
    Lots of love and hugs
    Michele​








  4. Michele800226
    Hi there
     
    I'm smiling at the thought of me saying, let there be... First thing that comes to mind is ,"Light". But which light will I be referring too? Light as in truth, or the perfect way forward. But the more I think about it, the answer slips me... What I've come to find is, my week was filled with conversation with either men I personally know or have just met on Facebook. Yes, I sometimes accept request from total strangers. In the hope that not all men are dogs or think a pair of tits makes you an idiot and a gullable girl.
     
    The one wants to get back together and I know it's the worst idea in the world. Because the man he is, isn't all bad or all good. He is a manipulative man, that thinks he is never wrong and only wants his way. And when he does something wrong, all the blame for him doing it comes directed towards you, because you called him out on it. Thinking that emotional manipulation makes everything right. And no, I don't like or want to be emotionally blackmailed. Therefore I am lucky in a sense that even while sick, I can think in my feet and let him no, I don't want to see him, it is a bad idea and that we are bad together as a couple. We work much better to just chat with each other as our worlds doesn't attract meteors to crash into us causing disaster above disaster. And after I told him his final NO on Saturday, all radio silence was initiated again. And this from a man that was trying to get into my bed.
     
    Idiotic antidote number 2. Yes, this unknown man starts off chatting to me and telling me how beautiful I am and how I am God sent for him after losing his wife in a car accident and having a daughter that is 18years old. The more we chatted the more disillusioned and detached he seems from reality. According to him, he is this successful engineer that is working on an oil rig in South Africa, and would love to marry me as we are soulmates, destined to get married, and would move to California where we would live happily ever after in a house that he build for his wife and himself.  And the beginning of this week, of which I'm sceptic already. Did I say I have difficulty in trusting men! And then he says we one and his bank account is overdrawn and needs finances to continue with his project and it would mean so much to him that he can finish on time. Bull twang!!! Told him, I don't know him and my finances is mine, of which I don't know if I can trust him or not. He continued with his messaging to attempt and convince me into parting with my money and possibly even my life. Yes, I know of serial killers that used the friends cards with how much they love you to draw you in and because of your gender, sexuality, or perceived looks can trigger their psycho side.
     
    Well out of some of the conversations I am having, there are guys that looks at me as a sexual objectobject (or do they think I'm a prostitute for quick sex), and others that finds me intellectually stimulating as well as a looker. The only question I would have is, "Do these men actually go through my profile that says I'm a transgender female, and nothing in the world is going to change that. Because if the fight comes my way or known to me which is discriminatory against gender or sexuality, I will step in and fight in that war." Or are they just looking at my face (profile picture) as those are the only two things visible on my Facebook before I accept any friend request. Well, I am grateful that I am a visible transgender female that stand for human rights and the equality that we all deserve.
     
    Hugs, respect, freedom, equality and my looks.
    Bid you goodnight for now.
    Michele J Heynes
  5. Michele800226
    Hi everyone
     
    Let me say this.  Ouch is literally currently happening to me.  I got this sharp pain yesterday in my abdominal region and this morning it extended it's range to my crotch area.  So ouch stand for pain and bleeding, that I think I can handle till later, but will definitely go to the doc tomorrow.  Okay, I'm also guessing that I'm postponing getting medical attention so I can possibly get the results I desire.
     
    What I can say is, don't do what I do, because it can result in a dangerous zone of life.  So I'm hoping it doesn't effect me so much that I can't move tomorrow.
     
    When I finally learn to be afraid I can most probably learn the vulnerability of the rest of humanity.  Have I mentioned that I got a repeated dream during the week where I inadvertently got kidnapped, not because I couldn't fight the men, but them pointing the kids with firearms and I couldn't stand for them being injured all because of me.  On the better side, in the dreams just before waking up I always got my GRS and the last 2 got saved by a man I respect and yes the kids that were with me before the kidnappings, one of whom was his oldest boy.
     
    So this was my week, dreams with a hint of nightmare and this pain-distention-bleeding and I'm truly just me the one you can say is doing it the way I should.
     
    Cheers for tonight.
    Be free and allow the world to love you the way we deserve to be loved
     
    Hugs
    Michele
  6. Michele800226
    Hi there everyone
     
    Its not about being optimistic or pessimistic, it about the way my smile and looks are putting me in hot water at times.
     
    I've come to realize that some of my male friends are now also hitting on me, because I've got a perky happy face 90% of the time if not more.  Now they are becoming like horny dogs after my ass too.  Is this a culmination of my smile, facial expression, ass and boobs or just men being like a pack of horny dogs in heat season???
     
    With the unknown factor, the unknown men...  That will offer me gifts at an intersection I had to stop.  Start talking to me and saying how much they love me, while just seeing me walking down the street and smiling at them.
     
    Should my smile or body freak me out, because I'm not opening myself up to all these horny bugger's.  Or should I embrace the power it gives over men and women in the open field of life.
     
    I've decided that flirtation with a beautiful soul, okay sometimes a gorgeous hunk is all that I need to continue with my perfect smile.but therein lies the fault, not all hunks have beautiful souls.
     
    So do I smile and get all the beauty that comes with it, or do I think of all horny screwed up persons that bring along flustered situations???
     
    Now let me say this, I won't give up smiling and letting my soul trickle through for everyone to see, buy I'm also not incapable of switching to my dragon face that bites off unwanted attention in a flash.
     
    Remember, be safe out there.  Walk in pairs and tell a friend where you are gong if you are going alone.  Oh and I should learn to practice what I preach.
     
    Hugs
    Michele





  7. Michele800226
    Hi everyone
     
    Apparently I'm loving these to do or not to do's.  But let's just say, they come after experiences I've gone through.
     
    This week that passed was no different from others.  Seeing that for my last few weeks at work I've been going to the shooting range, with the only difference that I actually got to shoot.  So 1 less day of actually working for me, because I'd normally return to work after a long drive.
     
    Friday, as per usual.  I got up earlier to be at work before 06:00 and get weapons I don't take home, and get a state vehicle to drive.  Because of strikes, roadworks, and traffic light that were out and on going, I drove 2 hours to the shooting range that about 40miles away.  So pissed off at driving and idiots trying to push me off the road.
     
    I passed my shooting on all the weapons I had on me, and needed to pass.
     
    No, I was perfectly made up before leaving the house and yes.  The shooting range is on an open space looking like a dessert.  No shade and sand blowing everywhere.  6 almost 7 hours later and I was full of sand, from my face to my tits and stomach.  I left and went to the nearest garage where there is a bathroom to wash my face and remove as much sand as possible.  Removed all my make-up and went back to work to drop my none issue firearms.
     
    Walked into the office of one of the officers as she was looking for the vehicle I was driving.  First she tell me my make-up is still perfect after a long day, and when I revealed I had nothing on, she asked me why I'm wearing make-up if my face is so perfect.  Well its to enhance my looks obviously isn't it.  At least that is what I was thinking.
     
    So now the question comes, if others view your face as perfect without make-up does that mean you should not use any, or that you can use it to enhance your looks???
     
    Well I feel so much more comfortable with make-up on then without it in public.  It doesnt mean my confidence is so low I can't do without make-up.  It just feels that much more in tune with my body and brain I think, and I'm still comfy as can be.
     
    Would I walk without make-up on?  Yes, I sometimes do, even though I don't have a twelve o clock shadow.  But I wear it at work because that is my norm.
     
    Then my question to everyone would be.  If you could go a day without make-up, would you???  Okay, you can still wear gloss.  But would you?  That is the question.
     
    Reason I can pull of days without make-up are, I do my face as natural as possible the most of the time, my lower eye lids permanently looks like I have eye liner on, my eye lashes always look like I used mascara, and my cheeks are rosier without make-up.  Yes I got natural make-up the day I was born.
     
    Ending off.  All I have to say is.  Make-up doesn't define us as human beings.  Being trans we try to blend in as much as possible to cis persons.  But why should we as a collective try to blend in with the world's inadequacies, who says we are not the norm, but just because we the minority in today's age, we are the odd one's out.  Who says we aren't part of evolutionary development and enhancement to show the world, change is good.  Then why should make-up be all that important for us to blend in.
     
    Yes I know, the fear of being told you don't belong is great.  The fear of being outed that you aren't naturally born as the gender you identify as.
     
    I can't guarantee that I will be around to protect you from the hatred, but I am trying to be as visible as I can without endangering my family, friends and acquaintances.  As I don't fear what can be done to me.  There is also a reason for my twitter, Facebook and Instagram acciunts being set on private, but that is only for promotional purposes as certain of my stances can be interpreted as not in line with being in the police, even though I don't mention political stances, just the human rights side of my stances mentioned at times. 
     
    I love and leave you, with this to ponder.  Why do we have to conform to cisgender rules?  Okay, I've always wanted bombs and a vagina, but what if you didn't want to go through all that as I do???  Should you conform to make others comfortable?  Should you make yourself uncomfortable so that the rest of the world can accept you unconditionally?  Well if the world wants you to change, then nothing you do, say, or go through will ever be enough to be accepted by others.
     
    Big hugs
    Michele
  8. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    I know, it's all part of the transition.  But does laser hair removal have to sting this much???
     
    Okay, so I did it a few minutes ago.  Stung a bit, but I've found better results if you don't shave beforehand.  It's also not like I have hair popping out like daisies on my face and neck.  It is still like a little blotch I've here and there.  I last shaved on Friday, because of a round trip from Cape Town to Upington (over a1000miles) and back.  Didn't think we wouldn't not sleep for a few hours at least and use a bathroom to freshen up.  But instead, we had family time and shopping before getting back into the car (Chevrolet Spark 1.2L, 60kW or 80hp isn't all that much I agree, but the drive was comfortable enough).  Got back and basically just stripped and washed before getting in bed and sleeping the time away.
     
    So I lasered my face around 15:00 doing my whole face with the home kit, seeing that there is no salon close to where I live.  Torture myself you say, yes I did, and less the 5 minutes later I was done, at the salon if you show pain they st, so takes about 15 minutes at one.
     
    I didn't take the highest setting because, 3 weeks back it left my skin irritated and looking like I was assaulted by my man.  Therefore I moved to the middle setting to not look like a battered wife.
     
    I was thinking that if it even leaves me with a light fluff it would be alright, and then I can have electrolysis done to work out that last few kinks of fluff, but if it removes like everything, I'll be elated.
     
    I know it is a small fortune to spend on the home equipment or to go to the salon.  But this way, I can zap areas I would feel uncomfortable to open up for other people.  Yes I'm shy to the max.
     
    What do you think of the amount of hair still left behind on my face?
     
    It should hopefully be gone by June or July, but this is a home kit, so might take longer.  Let me know if you would do this to yourself or not.

     
    Be safe and look after yourselves ladies.
     
    Big hugs and smooches
    Michele
  9. Michele800226

    How come me???

    By Michele800226,

    Hi all
     
    The question always comes up, never mind if you thought you've got control over ever part of your life, there is always something out of sink...  I guess it's natures or life's way of saying that you have a lot to learn girl, just deal with it or parish in your self loathing pity party.
     
    The first one I would like to address is...
     
    Why did I have to be trans and not cis???
    Well, I don't know the answer to that, but it's what my heart, head and well every single part of my body dictates for me.  And if I have to look at it, probably because of the strength I've got on the inside.  Because I wouldn't and couldn't have been so vocal about what I feel if I never experienced any struggles in my life.
     
    Yes it was easy for me to know who and what I am today and when I was a child, but that doesn't mean I had it easy either.  My mom with her gang (the two siblings in the middle a brother and sister) that tormented and bullied to get what they want, and me ignoring them for the greater part of my life.  Yes they definitely wanted a CIS sibling that was muscular and a manly man.  Sis on them, but that is probably why I discontinued any sorts of relationships with them for the greater part of my life, and live by a total different set of rules.  And the thing is, I went to a church service a few days ago.  Probably because my wiccan ass needed to find spiritual enlightenment and to find an answer to why I hated myself so or the mood I was in at the time.  Yes, I needed to find out why I was still kicking myself for something.  I found the answer somehow unbeknown to me, and I learned that the most important part of me currently is running on hatred towards myself for allowing what I couldn't stopstop an attack where a car was used..  Yes your hardest criteria are for yourself and no one will take that spot you've been trying to make even if you know, the world dealt you cards and incidentsincidents to either build you stronger, or destroy you because you lost the will to continue the fight.
     
    The second part is...
     
    Will I ever trust anothers heart with myself???
     
    Well as I am growing older, I'm not certain that love is for everyone and that I am destined to be a singleton.  But yes, I am a romantic at heart and think that everyone has a heart out there that completes them.  Yes, I know this to be true, but my trusting issues are holding me back to going out there to do just that.  But that same thing that is known is also the thing in life that puts fear or a bad taste in your mouth.  Then the fact that you are trans and should also find love in life, but let's get it clear that we would love to find that one person that doesn't matter if you are trans or cis and would love and respect you for the pure fact that their is that bond of love between you, that connection that keeps you wanting that person, because you are safe in that relationship.
     
    But will I allow this for me, I don't know and currently think that I won't just because of who I am and what I've been through.
     
    Third thing I want to address is...
     
    Why does your love of things and way you are dictate to people who you are?  Is it subjective or objective???
     
    Well I am a trans female and if we look at the way I walk, talk, act and move, you'll see a female moving about and then my love for eating, shooting, cars, firearms, swords, knives (let's just say weapons and get it over with), fighting styles and kicking some guys ass for messing with me.  And yes, I know I can't win every fight, but I sure as hell have won all my fights psychologically even though my butt was kicked by that person.
     
    Well subjectively and objectively I still don't know if love is meant for me.
     
    Seeing that I said more then enough and left some questions partly answered, I'll say.
     
    Be safe in the knowledge that we are loved and need to know who we are and accept what life has in store for you.
     
    Hugs and kisses
    Michele
  10. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Well, yesterday I had an appointment with my GP.  Got there for a routine checkup and mentioned that my right boob is tender too, checked for lumps can't feel anything, but she is now recommending because my boobs are so dense I should go to have them checked out with sonograms.  But yeah they always start about 10 days before my cramps start and that just seems normal to me.  After that she said, welcome to women problems, boobs feeling sore that time of the month and all the bloatedness that follows.
     
    Also need to speak to my mom, but I don't have the energy for that as yet, we might be sitting in a battlefield because of my questions.  Want to find out which hospital she sent me to when I was a week or so old, and retrieve that medical information from there.
     
    Blood works are all in order and I am happy that my results are good, and won't want to change to much, just to go off the blockers.  As it all started me gaining to much fat around my gut after the blockers.
     
    Well, physically I'm in good shape, and not doing to much to put myself in harms way, medically.  And yes, I need to find a new psychologist again.  Will check how this works for me.
     
    Let me get a move on, as I need to get to the boot camp and work on my fitness.  Well, this is what I'm doing so when it comes time for any surgery, to recover as quick as possible.  I will have to look at it in a holistic way.  Fitness for recovery and not to become depressed as fast or have so many fallbacks.
     
    This is basically all I had on my mind, and would like to encourage everyone to go to their medical assistants, no matter if it's a GP, Endocrinologist, Psychologist, or any other specialist you need to see.
     
    Check you all later, and don't be missing me too much.  Might have started the war or talking to my mom.  Yeah, will then have to enquire from the hospital what they can give me, and if they refuse to send it to me, I'll have my GP request the information.
     
    Love and protection
    Michele
  11. Michele800226
    Hi all.
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Not that many days have past since I gave my last update.
     
    Being doing the fitness boot camp as I said, and on Thursday got certificates for attendance.  Wasn't weird that completed it, but then I got the best improved on burpees, lol that was hilarious.  Sat there and thought it was over and here I get called up for another thing.
     
    Well, I had on this confused face and all.  Got up and went in because I somehow without knowing it became a couch as well.  And my surprise is, there were people that have been part of the fitness group for months longer then myself and they still just there.
     
    I know the dumbstruck look doesnt become me, and I should've reacted with a smile, so I went in for a pose to stay, biatches I did it.
     
    What astounds me is the fact it all happened so fast and now my arms are more toned.  By biceps aren't making bulges when relaxed, but I got this girly amount of upper arms.  My abs are also feeling tighter, but not as tight as it was before.  My legs are the same and lucky for me, not sticks.
     
    Emotionally I'm definitely doing better, seeing that all the dates I despise are gone now.  Still miss my rock (dad) to bits and pieces.  Still avoiding the scolding eyes and voice of my mom, who decided she needs to try and call me to wish me.  Madam you know better then that.
     
    I could also see that my oldest sister felt like crap for not being invited to my younger sister's 40th birthday party.  Do I care that I wasn't invited, not the least.  Seeing that she is part of the entourage that doesn't want me to transition at all and that include the other Ice Queen (mother) and her followers my sister and brother in the center.  My brother is trying to accept it, but only because his wife and in laws are giving him crap about it.  And probably when he tells me danger, I'm the first to appear at his doorstep.  Or it might be my personality.  Then my mom is the youngest from her siblings, and constantly get chowed by her sisters, seeing that her gay brother is gone and they somehow had to learn understanding as children, but is it because I'm defiant, well I don't care that much as I cut myself off when she couldn't handle comforting me when she sneaked in and perused my diary to find out I tried to fight off an attacker (well there is always someone stronger then you) that raped and tried to kill me on my 16th birthday.  Yes, 20 years back and the only thing she could think of was to ground me.  As if I listened and continued on my merry way. (Pity definitely not wanted, it was 20 years ago and I can't think of how I'd be if that never happened.  Yes funny how and ordeal can change a persons perspective on life, or just enhance it that you feel even more obligated to believe in your beliefs, and stand for what you always stood.
     
    I regret not starting earlier, because my doctors weren't as helpful as they could be, even though my ex GP confessed that he knew ever since I came there for my first checkup as a teenager.  But he didn't feel it was his place, because my mother is so conservative and seeing that she is his patient, which almost stung.  But hey I could see her supporter group growing, and mine dwindling until I stepped out and said F(bleeeeeeeeeeeeep)ck my world and the pricks living in it, because I'm part of the trans movement.  I'm a strong woman as my dad would see me.
     
    Now, my strength can't be taken away from me, because I'm the ruler of my domain.
     
    I need to run and cut this short, seeing that I have a meeting.  Yes, it's with a guy, and no!!! It's not a romantic date.
     
    Cheer for now.
    Michele
     
    PS. Some pics of me dying my hair, 2 with lip gloss and without.  Enjoy




  12. Michele800226
    Hi all, haven't been around for a while and yes.  I still hope that everyone is doing well.
     
    One of the most recent things that happened was a dreadful birthday, where I was feeling depressed and violated to the extend that I stayed indoors as I got home the day before and didn't leave my bed except for bathroom breaks and eating obviously, (from the Thursday evening till the Monday around noon.  Didn't even answer any calls, just played games on my tablet and basically slept the whole time.
     
    I started lasering my face again, and it looked like I was brutally assaulted by someone.  Bruises and swelling from my face to neck.  Not even icing my face worked for the first few hours to stop the burning sensation.  I can't remember that it was this painful before, but I'm writing this down to HRT and fat distribution.
     
    I should emphasize that I'm not dating, married or anything in that field with this next piece of information being shared.  Drums please!!!  I've become an instant parent to a teenager, 14 years old to be precise.  This is like throwing me into the deep end at the pool without my floating vest and teaching me to swim.  The last few months was difficult in a sense, but we will see if all our help worked out for his first exam.  Yes a him, and what the hell do I know about boys, other then how to kick their asses in a fight and make their happy stick rise, bleed (part of ass kicking) and throw up. This has been an experience and I'm glad we are three in this endeavor, because the fourth person, the dad is almost never there and we found a t-shirt for him, "I'm on my but now where to be found".  Yes he says he is around the corner and we already know he'll pitch when he finally pitches.
     
    Oh, my 11th anniversary started in January and I'm truly furniture in my rank, but luckily I've been around to know more then one field, and wished the exams thing was still in practic, because I'd be way further then what I am now.
     
    I also joined a fitness boot camp.  May I laugh already, lost weight but only gained muscle and no inches off my middle, but enjoying it and I'm the naughty girl in the group, okay one of the naughty ladies.
     
    Breast development has stopped on an A cup, a 32A.  The endocrinologist I'm using is new to HRT and lucky for me she is willing to learn, unlucky part is I get homework to do.
     
    Lastly, I've been super emotional for about three weeks and unfortunitely for the guy that got me crying, flew out the office, without witnesses but only persons seeing him land on his ass outside.  Everyone was shocked as they saw me running out with tears streaming down my face.
     
    Now you are all caught up in my life.  So my next blog will be about something relevant other then my emotional breakdowns.
     
    Enjoy the day and make sure to look after yourselves.  I'm not there to punch that guy for you girls.
     
     
    Hugs and kisses
    Michele
  13. Michele800226

    Some opinions

    By Michele800226,

    I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing.  But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please.  I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries.
     
    I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog.  This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself.  Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction.
     
    What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have...  Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them.  Just how many police initiated arrest you performed.  So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what...  One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none.  It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested.
     
    So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way.  I didn't have a cycle.
     
    I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others.  NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival.
     
    Now, you know what.  I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair.  My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female.  I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian.
     
    Again a butch lesbian, I am told.  Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said.  I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed.  He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away.
     
    Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life.
     
    I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack.  But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing.  Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world.  Will and can never hurt me.
     
    Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now.  Be safe and take care of yourself.
     
    Love and protection from Michele H
     
    Ps...  Question, how do you view this???  My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day???  Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me.  It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday.  I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him.  I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.
  14. Michele800226
    I never thought of it like this...
     
    Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender.  I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else.  And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!"
     
    So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass.  Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could.  But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl.  I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting.  And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk.  Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl.  And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy.
     
    So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me.  I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think.  Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her.  But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best.
     
    Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be.
     
    Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world.  Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes.  How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition.  I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch).  Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head.  But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her.  I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her.
     
    I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings.
     
    Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world.  First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone.
     
    Cheers, stay safe and love life.
    Michele H
  15. Michele800226
    Okay, on day one I was exhausted and still went to the gym.
     
    This week I managed to go to the gym 3 days with my friend.  One I couldn't go because I had to attend to a work function.
     
    What I noticed on Wednesday was.  Meeting day is a crappy day to be at the station.  I should thank the heavens that I wasn't put in charge of typing the minutes as well.  I hate doing minutes.
     
    I had to sit in some meeting that was super boring.  And another where I call it a crap out parade.  Shame this one Captain just seems to not be in the good books at all.
     
    On a brighter note.  My Colonel is back, after having a triple bypass and I would have told him to stay at home seeing that the wounds have not as yet all healed, and he developed some infections.  But how can you tell a workaholic to stay away from work, if that is one of the things that is making him sick and depressed.  So when he says I must drive him somewhere, I just get a vehicle and drive him.
     
    I think he is more open about things with me as I am open about myself with him.  After he was informed that I dated, he initially jumped to a time I dated someone around the corner from his house, whom was also in the police at that time and abusive.  I should be glad that I didn't tell him that ex is in jail now, or he would've blown a gasket.  In that breakup I need the protection of my Colonel to make certain that that guy stay away from me.  He showed how protective he can be over me and then his friend the commander of that person also had to intervene, because I didn't realize I was dating a psycho, until he became abusive to the extent of punching me a few times and going for a firearm to quiet me up, because no amount of hitting me can make me go quiet.  Actually I defended myself, but couldn't get to my phone for help to arrive.  I should say, fortunately for me, I had my firearm on me that day, or things would've been different.  What I mean by that, I would've been shot, if I didn't have my unique place of pointing a firearm to make any CIS or Transgender Male drop their weapons in fear of losing their little guy.  I walked out and as I drove off that day I called to say, don't bother calling me or trying to see me, no person threatens my life or hits me to return into my life without being an arrested suspect.
     
    Long story short, I need to run.  Just got an urgent call.  Will continue on this later.
  16. Michele800226

    Distance is coming

    By Michele800226,

    Last night I was informed that the one I'm dating is going away for a month or more.  I'm not the dependent type of person, but it's giving me the sensation of sadness and that my boo is way too far to touch.  And me vocalizing this feeling made him stress about it too.
     
    What I know for certain is, his family decided on him to go help out at family and the ones that decided aren't aware of our relationship or at least not aware of how I look.  Make that his whole mom's side of the family, as I've been exposed to his dad's side and the battle of me winning them over or proving that we are a good couple was won on first impressions, one side down, another to go.
     
    What's bothering me is he'll be away and about seven to eight hours worth of drive if not more.  I first need to find out if they are talking about 120km/h (75mph) or at a greater speed then the legal speed limit.  Which is almost giving me a sense of anxiety.  But we grew closer in the last few months of knowing each other and we will just have to see what this family obligation will hold in store for us.
     
    Why are relationships so complicated???  I also know the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.". But the more we had this discussion the more reluctant he is seeming to go help his family, which I don't want.  Maybe he is fearing me dumping him for being so far away.
     
    The thing I'm worried about, it will be his first birthday together with me and will he truly be back by then.  No I didn't change my leave planning for him as yet, as we still have to gel more according to me, and then we can start planning our life together.  And family does come first especially if they are the supportive kind, and he is supper attached to his family.  Where I am the one only attached to some of my family, especially my oldest sister (even though we have an age gap of 16 years, she was the first to know I never identified as male, but we've been open about most of our feelingsfeelings as we have been open since before I was four years when we discussed me not being a boy), and then my sister in law and her oldest daughter I call my child.  I'm actually closer to my brother's in laws then my own family, weird.
     
    So getting back to my feelings.  I would love to have him to myself, but I know I'm sharing him with his family and he doesn't give any two or even how million F#@ks about anybody disapproving of our relationship.  Still I'm getting a sense his mom was the deciding factor in this matter, because we never met and we don't have a relationship as yet.
     
    Well I worry about the whole thing, or if anything is about to happen, as all relationships need a time apart to see if it will work.
     
    Now that is my 2cents worth of thoughts on this.
     
     
    Live life, love yourself, and be who you've always been.
     
    I'm out
    Michele
  17. Michele800226
    Hi there all.
     
    I have mentioned that I was applying to an internal post at work, and that it implies that I will by an acting fleet manager.
     
    On the 30 September 2015 I was officially informed that my application for the post was successful.  The amazing part was, that all my competition were butch guys and little feminine old me won the race, and I didn't come second, third or any other number other then number 1.
     
    I started on 7 October 2015 at 07:30 and my first day was a blast.  I enjoyed the new challenges that were thrown my way.  And day one ended exhausted and going to the gym with a friend.  But I enjoyed every second of it.
     
    On day two, I found new damages to a vehicle and had to write persons for damaging the vehicles.  I know that you can feel and possibly strip one nut of the wheels and not the rest.  So I was super pissed off when all six on the one wheel were stripped and good.
     
    Today we started out sorting the vehicles and I ended up helping to clear an office my previous commander was in and an even older commander will be occupying.  I am so glad that I am getting him back that I want to see if he answers me, but I don't want to be dissed or not answered because, I don't know if he is ready for the work he will need to do.
     
    I am now done with day three and all is well, I had my targets performed for the day and I'm systematically sorting out the backlog of the previous regime, but I should also know, there was not commander in that post for about a year.  So it is remarkable that I have maintained the quality of standards that I would want in a work place.
     
    Okay, what I am doing is to get all the things my boss would want, and that is my priority, but secondary function is to make certain that the vehicles on the police station are running and all in working order.  I am doing this because, i need my people to take care of the vehicles and not to make me look like a fool around the guys.  What made me laugh was, one of the guys I worked with saw me and made it clear that he is looking at my boobs as I am busy working on attempting to fix a flat.  I laughed because I know he is harmless and if he messes with me, I will go to his wife and she will inadvertently sort him out.
     
    The thing that keeps me feeling like my shift is still loving me is...  The one is telling me to never return to the shift because I decided to leave.  But then our captain needed help and I told her, I don't need to help him and I can just get in my car and drive home as my time is up at work.  The next thing I know is I get grabbed from behind and hugged, and they telling me how they missing me and I have only left them.  Their days are quieter and no one is around to make them think on their feet, so they aren't even getting excitement.  They missing me for my administrative skills, and my knowledge in the field as a functional uniform member that that knows my complaints, the books, how to deal with a complaint, take statements, certifications, and overall to deal with prisoners and the community on a whole.  They missing me as it is feeling like the ship is sinking and the one that always had control of the pumps to ensure that the ship never flooded or even took up any water, has gone.
     
    Yes I am proud of myself for getting the post above all, the men that were just as capable as me in vehicle knowledge.  The only thing they beat me in was that I don't have a truck license and don't intend to get one.  I like and prefer to be driving only cars.  Would I change my decision now that I have had a little taste of what is to come.  I don't think so.  I am enjoying myself to much and I don't think I would change it for the world.
     
    So my career is taking off and my love life too.  Good for me.
     
    .
    Cheers for now people.  I'm out.  I am falling asleep in front of the computer.
    Night from #TransIsBeautiful #FemaleStrength #LovingYourself
    Michele
  18. Michele800226

    PMS once more

    By Michele800226,

    Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear.
     
    For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell.  Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday.  Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell.  Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain.  But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days.  Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode.  Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death.
     
    What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship???  Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects.  Yes, FX is on.
     
    What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right.  Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there.  And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her.  I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too.
     
    Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe.  But on the other side,  I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole.  But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world.
     
    My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique.  As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience...  Okay I struggled to grow breast,  am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were.  But I also knew that I would end up here.  Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups.  The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family.  I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body.
     
    No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots.  And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar.
     
    I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment.
     
    Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through.  And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle.  I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay.
     
    To all have a good day.  Be safe, and think before you do.  I have discussed this before I did it.
     
    Cheers for now
    Michele with love
  19. Michele800226
    Hi there all
     
    I know I haven't been on in the resent weeks and I am to blame.  Well you'll see what is to blame as I continue this entry....
     
    So, I have been chatting to this guy and thought that he is cool and everything.  Till the awkward part came of him asking me to meet him.  We continued our cheerful banter and I didn't let that phase me.  As luck would have it, I was busy chatting to a girlfriend about my gender and she being understanding and him at the same time.  Yes,  I did the blooper.  A message of how to explain gender, which was meant for her ended up going to him and he replies by asking if I am serious that I am transgender.  When I confirmed what I by mistake told him, as I had a softer approach planned for him on the same evening.  He shocked me with his answer, "Well does this change you?  Because if you can show me how this changes your personality and everything about you that I like.  I will except that it wasn't meant to be to meet you."
     
    We continued chatting and he didn't become abrasive or mean towards me in the weeks that followed, just more understanding and still sending me my kisses and hugs over the messaging system that we use.  He asked if we could meet.  Just before we met, I was thinking is this a good idea.  What if he just played me and wanted to assault or kill.  Or what if he lied about how he looked.  This and a million other question ran through my head.
     
    ETA to meet, crap is here.  Not even me approach him, but he approaches me and gives me the hugs that I said he owed and which he said I owed him.  Looked him up and down and saw that he actually looks like the person that he said he is.  The conversation continues and he sounds like the person I was chatting to.  Okay, I never heard his voice and language that he used just sounded like him.  Yes, he also looked me up and down.  And he looks at me funny, "I'm not what you expected was I.  Did I lie to you.  But damn girl you are even sexier in real life that what your pictures made you out to be."  I had to convince him that it was only that he didn't lie to me that was making me awe struck by him and that he is actually just refreshing to chat too.
     
    We spent that evening together and chatted the whole night.  He leaned in and I was all, what the hell in my head to allowing my body to play along.  He kissed me full on mouth and..... Yes, I liked it.  I really like the kiss I received from him.  Before the sun even came out a question was posed to me, "Would you be my girlfriend?"  I looked like I could probably faint and he just looked at me and said something like, am I that ugly, and can you only see us as friends or more.  As he turned his head away, I pulled him closer and kiss him.  All I could say was, YES!!!  He looked at me as if to say, you just saying so not to hurt me.  I kissed him again to show that our kisses are passionate and that I actually meant what I said.
     
    Hey, we were getting to know each other over multimedia and it turned out to be the same persons.  Just me talking slightly less, okay more like 50% of the time I spoke and speak on multimedia.  I explained that this is for him to actually get in some words before I take over my part of talking in real life too.
     
    So far, he has introduced me to one of his grandmother's, uncle, and aunts of his father's side.  Yes, nieces and cousins were home too.  He even left me alone with his gran to see how we would communicate.  Ooooh he got, it after that, because he didn't even prepare me that he was doing this.
     
    What I thought of him asking me was.  It will be a week or so of dating according to him and then just leave me to my own defenses again.  Not introduce me to his family as I am now a fixture in his life.  Shocker, I would say.
     
    What he made clear was that he is stubborn and I would have to be submissive to him.  What I made clear is, I am also stubborn and me being submissive will never work for me.  So we should decide on which topics I am going to win and on which topics he is going to win.
     
    I know his favorite foods, colors and why he is into red and black.  International soccer team is Manchester United, and international rugby team is All Blacks.  His local rugby team for sevens as he said are the Crusaders.  Don't ask me about sports as I told him, because I am only going to be watching the asses that are running past me on the field and nothing else.  I was also told that I will watch sports with him.  I told him, only if I get something out of the deal.  He said that I got him and I should appreciate the man that decided I am the only one for him.
     
    Well let me see.  I man that is almost 10 years younger, and lucky for him I'm born early in the year and he late in the year, because if he refused to be born in December, he would've been 10 years younger.  He also says, I should be so paranoid about me being 9 years older then him.  If the age bothered him, he would've not asked me to be his girlfriend.
     
    In this weeks he has made me realize that he is making me accept the world more.  And that me being older is nothing, because I wouldn't even have thought of it if he was 9 years older then me.  He is making me also see that I am the only person that make him happy.  Funny enough, he gave me the password on his cellphone and I said, but it's not my place to scratch on his phone just as it isn't his place to scratch on mine.  But still everything that I he most probably would've wanted to see if he was possessive over me, I showed him and he showed me.
     
    The one thing I don't tell him, is that I sometimes have altercations with suspects and as a female (and a person with no testosterone in my body) I find it difficult to fight men and not get injured.
     
    But I'm digressing.  I am currently happy in a relationship.
     
    Yours sparkling
    Michele
  20. Michele800226

    Acceptance from above

    By Michele800226,

    What happened at a course.  Yes, I sometimes do sound like my 2nd language is my 1st, and my mother tongue like I'm a fumbling fool, which is Afrikaans.
    VID_20150911_142337_3gp.0473bc1a5be6f027f880473e4184319d
  22. Michele800226
    Everyone will ask why you asking about chocolates, right.  Actually wrong.
     
    I've never been bound by race or religion, when it came and still comes to men intriguing me.  But I've always had a thing for someone taller and bigger body structured then my 1.74m (5ft8) structure and around 140Lbs.  The top criterion above all else, is he needs to have respect, love and adoration for me.
     
    Okay, I grew up in a time when interracial relationships were a no no, but I am grateful my dad crossed all boundaries of interracial friendships.  Say something inappropriate in front of me, and I'll put you on your place.
     
    That's probably why, all I need a man to be, is himself and respectful towards others.  If I like you, it's because of qualities you have, and loving you means our qualities are strengthened by our relationship with each other and I wNt to around you every second I can, with me time for friends.
     
    So leave me alone if the guy I choose is darker then me, because he might have been lighter, then you'd be worried over me dating him.
  23. Michele800226
    Made a date to massage a friend.  Well that was easy as I owed him, and all the latest people I have met, I haven't as yet disclosed to that I'm trans and pre op.
     
    His options were as I gave were:
    Deep muscle massage;
    Normal massage; or
    Uhm massage.
     
    Without him knowing the uhm is a kinky massage, he chose it as a super deep muscle massage where he would moan, and were we moaning.
     
    Got to his place.  He is a little bit shorter then me, and I like him.  Got my hug, and my usual spot was taken by work waiting to be reviewed by him.  So I sat next to him.  My hair ended up a mess as I rested my head on his stomach.  Got a sort of strip dance and I liked the none muscular body he has.  He is a runner.  I mentioned that we should probably proceed with the massage, and up the stairs to the best spot, his bedroom.
     
    Here is where it gets interesting.
     
    I gave him a deep muscle massage with me fully clothed and him covered with underwear only...  I got him to moan and his uhm, umtondos (Xhosa word for penis) show'd signs of enjoyment.  I just continued with the massage, until I was grabbed and kissed.  Knees were weakened and my resistance were failing after my top and bra were removed.  He voiced concerns of me being oiled in the process.
     
    Now somewhere in between the massage and making out I didn't want him to stop, but I couldn't work out even how to allow my brain and mouth to have the discussion, making me flustered as hell and I was later informed possibly intimidated by a friend whom knows both of us for over a decade each.  But the two of us only met in the year and we never had this discussion, just had wonderful conversations.  With me struggling to talk about my gender, a first for me.  I couldn't stop the make out session, not that I wanted it to stop or his hands all over my body, we had to remind us that he needs to sleep and me in his bed, will cause both of us not to sleep.  Why did I start something I don't want to stop?
     
    And I end off with a question posed to my friend.  How the hell do I have this discussion, about the metamorphosis of my body, seeing that I'm still in the cocoon?  All I know is, this will have to be discussed as I might have entangled myself in his snare.  And he is a yummy snare I can see myself involved with.
  24. Michele800226
    Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe.  After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly.  And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead.
     
    I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother).  But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with.  I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment.
     
    In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole.  If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you.  DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE.  And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time.
     
    Much love...
    Michele
  25. Michele800226

    Tears I shed

    By Michele800226,

    Why tears.  Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman.  Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too...  I'm a fighter after all.
     
    Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night!  I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so.  Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised.  Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children.  But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety.
     
    Now for my tears...
     
    I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears.  So some apparent reason this has always eluded me.  I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over.
     
    I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated.  Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode.  But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago.
     
    Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving.  I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me.  
     
    But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much.  Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person.
     
    The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone.  At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone.
     
    Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to.  GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place.  Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends.  Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day.
     
    Michele is out......
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