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Chrissy

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Blog Entries posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy

    A new week...

    By Chrissy,

    Good morning everyone!
    I spent some time this past weekend thinking about my "next steps."  I've exhausted (I think) most of the subtle steps that I can take, I get the feeling that whatever I do next in terms of transition will be quite noticeable, which prompted me to wonder how ready I am for that.  Wondering how ready I am made me then wonder whether it was fear holding me back a little (answer = yes).
    It helped a little (a lot) that I sat down at one point and wrote out a list of what I see as all of the steps that would happen if I transitioned fully (including hormones and surgery), that helped me see what things I can be doing now (working on my voice leapt to the fore).
    But then the fear.  What am I afraid of?  One possibility is the fear that this isn't really the right thing for me (that's a fear that pops up from time to time).  While that's a legitimate consideration, I also know that I fear the idea of continuing to live my life as a male.  And I know that the only way to address that fear is to continue moving forward.  If it's true that this isn't the right path for me that will eventually come through.
    More likely is that my fear is based on "looking silly."  More specifically that I'll look like a man dressing as a woman.  I've read much about the idea of "passing" and the pros and cons, and I fully understand and in principle agree with the idea that we shouldn't necessarily be going for that (that a "man" should be able to wear whatever they want), but for me, right now, I want people to accept me as a woman and so I consider it important that my appearance not contradict that.  It's probably enough for now if my "look" (hair, face, etc.) is androgynous, that at least wouldn't contradict how I'm dressed.  The problem with achieving that is that when I look in the mirror I just see me, I don't know if I can objectively tell if I look female, male, or androgynous.  I was told by a couple of people at work last week that I definitely look more female than I used to, so that's a good start.
    Fear is the other thing, and that won't really be resolved until I do go out in public dressed clearly female (but without the wig and full make-up that I've done when cross-dressing).  Over the past couple of years I went through a lengthy period when I found that if I kind of wanted to do something but it scared me, I had to do it (e.g., cross-dressing in public, taking an improv class, doing drag, taking a solo show class - which culminated in a 6-minute solo piece in front of an actual audience).  I look at that period now as my way of building up to overcoming this fear - in this case not something that I "kind of want" to do, but something I must do.
    With my wardrobe almost fully in place, and final exams at work ending this week, I'm now committed to dressing full-time as a woman starting next Monday (it will also happen most of this week).
    Thanks for listening  
    xoxo
    Christie
  2. Chrissy
    Today I took a somewhat surprisingly big step, at least it was big in the fact that I hadn't anticipated how nervous it would make me.
    I've been dressing entirely female for the past few weeks, with only a couple of necessary exceptions (which won't happen again), but my shoes have been relatively obscure.  I'm wearing women's shoes, but typically either sneakers or boots, shoes that don't necessarily read as female.
    Today I'm wearing a pair of black flats, these very definitely read as female.  It made me a bit nervous, but I survived  
    I was thinking on the way in about the fact that it gets easier each time you go out with something new and realized that it's very true, and very quick being in NYC.  I live in Jersey City and work in lower Manhattan, so from the time I leave home until I get in to work, I literally see and am seen by 100s of people.  That's quite a change from when I used to live in North Carolina (so many years ago), where I might see nobody until I got in to work (except in passing cars).
    On an unrelated note, I went to the Taco Bell near me last night on the way home and the boy (yes boy, he couldn't be more than 20 years old) complimented my nail polish.  That was quite nice - it came across very naturally, which I really liked!
  3. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!  It's so nice starting my week on a Wednesday!!
    I kind of knew going in that this journey was going to be scary, but it's different when you face the reality.  I overcome a fear and take a step, and then discover that the next step is even scarier.  I trust that at SOME point that trend reverses.  This morning I added a couple of more elements to my day-to-day make-up regimen.  I was already doing mascara, nail polish, and a clear lip gloss.  Today I added eye liner, blush, and a reddish lip gloss (when I look at it I think "why not just wear lip stick?").  For the first time today I definitely caught some unusual looks from people - not bad, just a little confused.  So I know I'm doing something right 
    I had to face down what I thought were some doubts over the course of the weekend and this morning.  But on closer inspection I realized they weren't really doubts, just fears.  Fear that I won't be able to afford this, that I'll never look quite right, that I'll lose whatever social "network" I currently have, and worst of all, that I'll end up being a "freak."  I hate using that term, but it was the one that came into my head.  I just fear that no matter what I do I'll always look like a man trying to look like a woman.
    I can try to rationalize away most of the fears - especially when I think of the transwomen I've met and seen pictures of, I haven't seen a "freak" yet!
    I'm meeting sometime this week or next with a couple of people at work to discuss a "transition plan."  So that's exciting  
    Speaking of work, it's time I do some!
    xoxo
    Christie
  4. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    Well, i'm now "out" to everyone.  An email went out to the entire faculty and staff at the school where I work about my transition.  Enough people already knew, so I was getting used to being called Christie, in emails and face to face (though introducing myself as such still feels a little weird).
    My recent outward transitioning was driven by internal feelings, but now I think it's time to look inward again.  The outward things were necessary, but it drew me away from looking inside.  Fortunately I have the next week off from work, so I have some time to absorb and process things.
    that includes HRT.  I'm now in a position that if I decide it's time, I can do it.  I'm not saying there's a rush to decide, but now I have new "information" to process.  I'be spoken with an endocrinologist about it, which made the idea more concrete (and made me happy), and I think my therapist is prepared to write a letter for me if I say i'm ready (I think she has a preference to talk a little more about a couple of things, and I agree, but I think she would write it if I asked).
    Well, time to get to it! Right after a nap (I was up too early today)
    Xoxo
    Christie
  5. Chrissy

    New job

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Saturday everyone!
    I just finished my second full week with my new position and my mood is so much better than just a few weeks ago (when I wrote about feeling any lack of purpose).
    The new position involves managing the school's website and social media accounts.  I thought what I had been missing was making a meaningful contribution, and that was true, but more specifically what makes this so good is that it calls on me to make independent editorial decisions, rather than just doing clerical work.  Of course I get feedback on what I do, but I enjoy a lot of trust from my supervisor (and her feedback has all been very good and constructive - and reasonable considering I just started).
    So between my transition and my new position at work, things feel so much better!  (The salary increase helps too - ironic that after becoming a woman they started paying me more).
    As a quick side-note, on Monday i'll be finishing off donating my male clothing, which also feels good (and admittedly I had worried a little about how i"d feel doing it).  I found a group in NYC that provides services to people with AIDS, the clothing goes to those with limited resources, so I feel really good about that!
    And one correction - in my last post I misspelled my new middle name, it is "Anne," not "Ann."
    Final bit, I bought the cape below today  (and a couple of fall/winter coats).
    Xoxo
    Christie
     

  6. Chrissy

    2 months...

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I've been less active here recently because of my new position at work - i actually have work to do   But I am  still trying to keep up with reading entries!
    It's been 2 months of living full-time as a woman, and about the same on hormones.  With the exception of being misgendered a couple of times it's been wonderful. Between this and my new job I don't think i've ever felt such contentment.
    I do wish my sister would come around, but fortunately i've come out to other family members who have all been very supportive!
    Next Monday (the 19th) my name officially changes, and my official gender (where I can change that). And when I see the endocrinologist again I plan to ask for referral (s) for a surgeon - if things continue as they are i'm hoping for top surgery next summer.
    I'm still working on the "what else do I want/need?", but making some progress.  I stopped the volunteer gig that I had at a comedy club as it was no longer contributing anything to my life, and next Wednesday I start a new trans group at the lesbian/gay center.
    I've donated most of my male clothing now (to ascnyc, an aids service group).
    I'll stop this stream of consciousness now and catch up on some of your entries
    xoxo
    Christie
  7. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    On Saturday I had lunch with a friend from school - and then we hung out for a few hours. I know him well, we were at the same field placement during our first year and we share a love of Taco Bell :-)   A discussion we had along the way on Saturday was about being "out" in class. With me it's about my transgender identity, with him it's about being a military veteran. On the surface for both of us is a desire to not be "the ___ student" (me "the trans student"). For him that might really be it, for me I think it goes deeper, I think it's a real desire to maintain my identity as a woman and the fear that being open about being trans undermines that. Even deeper is that internally I still see being trans as somehow making me less of a woman.
    The result of all this was that during my entire first year I had never said anything about my gender identity in class. I had said things about it individually to other students, but never during class - and it is a social work program, so there were many, many opportunities where I could have - and should have - said something. We both agreed that not sharing is both bad for us individually (it's hiding something) and we miss the opportunity to add something to the educational process for others (leaving out a major part of our life perspectives).
    That changed on Tuesday. We did a quick in-class exercise where she gave us each a short scenario, something that was designed to generate a negative response (mine was that I had applied for an apartment, and although I was fully qualified and the only person who was applying for it, the landlord rejected me). My initial response was confusion and assuming that it was because of my gender identity. I had a minute or 2 to think of an alternative, but I didn't. So for the first time I openly acknowledged my gender identity in class :-)
  8. Chrissy

    ...but this time...

    By Chrissy,

    This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues.
    I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience.
    The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating.  I don't like the idea of trying to just see it as a job, but that might be the only way.
    The other important piece that I came across recently involves performing  - and doing something that I feel passion about.  As some may know I have done some performing during a friend's drag show (earlier I would say that I was doing drag, but that isn't accurate anymore).  A couple of weeks ago I did this and after I was done thought I had decided that it was time to give it up.  The issue was that while I kind of enjoyed doing it, I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to it to warrant it (I don't sing, I can't dance...what else?).  But then last week I was at her show - not performing just to see it - she had another guest so at one point she says "I'm going to do one more song and then bring up my guest."  I had a strange feeling of excitement.  I knew it wasn't me, I wasn't performing, but I still for a second reacted like I was.  That's when I realized that I do still want to do it - I just have to find my angle.  So yesterday I signed up for a beginner's jazz dance class :-)
    Passion is definitely something that I'm missing, so I'm excited to pursue this possible venue!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  9. Chrissy

    318

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I've been a very bad TGGuide citizen, the new job has kept me much busier than the former!
    I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday - my testosterone level is down to 318 now (from mid-400s last time) - so it's getting there!  He increased my estrogen prescription to 3mg/day, and said to go up to 4mg in a couple of months, then I'll see him again shortly after that :-)
    On the less medical side, I had 2 medical professionals (my endocrinologist and therapist) both say to me yesterday that I very definitely seem more comfortable with myself - that's exactly what my therapist said - the endocrinologist was a bit more wordy, he's a doctor, it's hard for them to get to the point :-)  And I very definitely feel that way!
    I've started to explore top surgery, hopefully to happen this summer (I'll have been on HRT for a full year in early August).  It helps a lot that our insurance provider confirmed that they are covering transition expenses now (in compliance with New York law), though they clearly haven't figured out what that means yet. I should get more detail in the next few days.
    xoxo
    Christie
  10. Chrissy

    Insurance update

    By Chrissy,

    I got some relatively good news from my insurance company today (I don't think I've ever written or said that before!).
    They definitely cover GRS - after I pay a $1500 deductible (which is fine, they cover 100% after that).
    Initially I thought they didn't cover breast augmentation as it is listed on the "exclusions" list - but then after the agent said that it should be I found a later reference in the document saying that if, after 12 months of hormones, you don't feel they have grown sufficiently to feel comfortable for your gender, breast augmentation may be covered.  I think since I didn't start HRT until 49 yo it's likely they won't grow that much from hormones alone, so this will probably be covered as well.
  11. Chrissy

    Finding Peace

    By Chrissy,

    Ok people, so this isn't technically - or at least not fully - about being trans, but something I need an outlet for.  It might be a bit meandering.
    I've been going through a difficult stretch, including a series of "endings" that have left me feeling - well, I don't quite know, but I know a thought that has crossed my mind several times is "when will I find peace?"
    The endings - (1) I'm applying to grad school and on Friday got a rejection from one of them - the one that was by far my first choice; (2) the drag queen who often lets me guest perform is no longer doing her show at the bar I go to; (3) my 2 best friends are about to move to California; (4) one of my favorite uncles passed away in January; (5) ... I know there are a few more, but I'm blanking right now.
    This is all on top of having a job that has gotten progressively worse over the past few months, and there is absolutely no sign of it turning around anytime soon (or ever).
    So how do I find peace?  I used that line in therapy today and she asked me what that would look like to me, peace. My initial answer was that I would have a job that I didn't hate going to every day and didn't cause endless annoyance and stress. As I thought about it on my way back to work I know that that was too specific an answer, but a good lead-in to maybe figure it out.  Because it's not about getting things to be happening the way I want them to, it's about getting me to think about things differently.  I think the serenity prayer is always a good baseline - give me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.
    I think this is related - but keep in mind I did say I might meander :-)  Every Wednesday I go to a supervision group for the volunteer organization I belong to, and last week (at our last session) I made a comment about how this group, for those 2 hours a week, allow me to feel completely comfortable with my complete identity.  It's not that they accept me being trans, it just is. And I thought afterwords that if I can feel that way in the group, i should be able to feel that way anywhere :-)  Just knowing that I'm capable of feeling that way makes it possible.
    To relate that back to the broader theme - I'm capable of accepting difficult things, so I should be able to accept any difficult thing.  Ok, that's just a starting point perhaps.
    One final point on the grad school thing. Being rejected by my first choice school actually hurt me a lot more than I expected.  I think that although I harbor some doubts about being able to do it, I assumed the choice would be mine (I'd be accepted and then decide if I want to go).  But this really was crushing - I got home from work the day I got the rejection and literally cried for about an hour (and even thinking about it right now almost makes me start again). It became really clear that "coming out" as transgender finally made it possible for me to realize where my passion lies, and to have that set-back on the path to fulfilling it was very painful.  It doesn't end things, I have a couple of other applications out still, but those options would be more difficult - but probably worth pursuing.
    So thank you to anyone who got this far - and if you didn't, well you're not seeing this now so there's no reason for me to say anything to you - but I understand :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  12. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    So last weekend was the memorial service for my uncle who passed away in January - everyone was so spread out they delayed it to find a convenient time for as many people as possible. His passing was of course sad, but he was older and hadn't been in good health (mentally or physically) for quite some time.
    The point of this entry is the fact that this is the first time I've seen many family members since I transitioned. About 10-12 people knew (the most direct of my relatives - my brother and sister and first cousins), but most of the rest didn't, so on top of being a sad occasion I had to basically "come out" at it - it was an interesting balance, obviously it's a funeral so it's not about me, but it's not like my transition is a subtle thing that nobody will notice if I don't mention it! And going as a guy was out of the question (one of my friends asked me after if I thought I would have been more or less comfortable if I had presented as a male for this - I told him I don't really know because I can't even imagine doing that - he liked that answer).
    Anyway, the first issue was that the first group of people I saw were more distant relatives who didn't know about my transitioning, and it occurred to me that i hadn't thought about how to "introduce" myself. I introduced myself with my current name, but several times added "formerly _____" so that they would know who I am.
    I didn't have any negative incidents - there may have been a couple of people who avoided interacting with me, but those who did were all perfectly friendly. One of my cousins (who knew already) commented towards the end about how much happier I seem (and that's at a funeral!)
    So after a lot of stress leading up to it, it ended up being a good experience.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  13. Chrissy

    Birthday Blog

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    My birthday is technically still 2 days away, but since I have access to a computer right now I thought I'd do this now. It seems like a good moment to just reflect on the past few years. First a quick timeline!
    March 2015 - this isn't really the beginning of the story, but this is when I actually recognized that I am transgender, and then shared that with my therapist. There was about a year or two of cross-dressing and exploring that lead to this point. One vital take-away is that from this moment on a lifetime of depression went away. I'm not saying I haven't been depressed about things since then, but the underlying, existential depression I experienced until then was gone - I stopped asking myself "Why can't I just be right?"
    August 2015 - I began "presenting full-time" as a woman, both at work and everywhere else. Working at a school helped this as the school was pretty empty during the summer, so I had time to acclimate without a bunch of faculty and students around. Also during this month I started taking hormones.
    July 2016 - I left my job to go back to school. I had been planning to go to school anyway, but part-time. My employer needed to reduce staffing, so they offered a buy-out which made my school decision easier ("easier"). It was still a tough choice to make - I had been there 10 years, it was secure, I had no idea what would happen if I left. I eventually spoke with my best friend on the phone about it (he had moved out to LA recently) and he asked "in 5 years what do you want to be looking back at?" - my decision was made.
    August 2016 - I had my breast augmentation surgery.
    September 2016 - I started school, pursuing a Masters in Social Work at NYU. For so long I had been trying to figure out what I really wanted to do in life, this choice seemed so obvious after I made it, but I know I couldn't have made this choice before coming out and transitioning.
    December 2016 - I had my GCS - YAY!!!
    May 2017 - finished first year of school - YAY!!!
    And that brings us to today. A lot has happened, and I'm thrilled with it, but I know that more still has to happen. For one thing I don't think I've quite fully internalized my own sense of being a woman, at times I still feel like an imposter. I suppose after living for 48 years identifying as a man it's bound to take some time. My recent decision to stop wearing wigs helped - I had put too much of my gender identity into them.
    I still very much fear being alone forever. I often find myself thinking that no man will ever accept me as a woman and be in a relationship. There is something to it, there are definitely men who would run away from the idea of dating a transgender person, but I also know that some of that thinking is part of what I said just before about not fully accepting myself as a woman. There's work to be done.
    I wonder if my sister will ever come around. I'd prefer to think that I'm fine just leaving her behind, but I know I'm not. We never had a very, very close relationship, but we generally had a good relationship and I miss that. I also know that I made the choice, I told her I didn't want to hear from her until and unless she was ready to accept me as a woman, and I can't back away from that.
    I'm often unwilling to accept some things that are simply true and can't be changed - they all focus around the fact that I was not born a cisgender female, and I will never have been. As a result I will physically never be a cisgender female, I will never have the experiences that a girl has growing up, etc. It's silly to reject those facts, but I still try sometimes.
    So that's more or less where I am right now - see what happens in the next year :-)
    xoxoxo
    Chrissy
  14. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    Happy Thursday!  Happy for me because starting tomorrow I'm on vacation for a week.  I'm sure I'll be checking in here during that time, but probably not doing any blogging.
    In an earlier post I mentioned how I was aiming for July 27 as the day that I would officially start presenting as a woman.  My last post altered that course a bit, so I'm going to see now what exactly I'm doing.  I'm certainly going to keep playing with make-up and other things, but the difference between today and July 27 might not physically be all that great, mentally on the other hand, I think it will be huge.
    My birthday is coming up next Thursday - my first birthday living authentically as me!
    xoxo
    Christie
  15. Chrissy

    cloudy day

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,

    After a very affirmative weekend I'm feeling a little "overcast." It's certainly fueled in part by other things going on in my life (i'm sure I mentioned in another entry that I have a job that I often hate), but it's drifting over here.

    I know there are some people on here who are around my age (i'm 48, 49 in july), so i'm hoping somebody might have some words of encouragement if they'very felt this way.

    I'very been thinking back about my childhood a lot recently, thinking about early indicators of being transgender, and while it's been useful in that sense, I also can't help but wonder who I could have been - and who I never will be - because I couldn't be free to be myself back then.

    I know that living with regret is useless, but sometimes I feel completely powerless against it.

    I hope that when this passes (and I do know that it will), I can channel the feeling sonehow, maybe do something to help the next generation more so that they can live the fullest lives that they can. But for now I just wonder why I couldn't.

    That's all I have on this for now - thank you for listening

    Xoxo

    Christie
  16. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!

    My desire to go tech-free this weekend didn't work out so well, but I reduced my usage substantially, which was nice. I just wanted to get an entry out to start my week with some random things from this past weekend.

    Saturday night I "pushed myself" a little. I was going to see a drag show (Jackie Beat, my all time favorite drag queen!) and decided it was the perfect opportunity to gender-bend in terms of my presentation. I wore a grey woman's t-shirt from Kohl's (says "Bloom where you're planted"), black Jennifer Lopez pants (with bedazzling of sorts), pink & black tennis shoes, a pink hoodie, and of course my favorite JLo bag. A touch of mascara as well - I had wanted to do my nails but forgot about it until shortly before I had to leave, so I had to abandon that.

    Being at the show I knew would be a "safe" environment, it is a drag show after all. The greatest danger was that somehow I would draw her attention and she'd "target" me during one of her audience interaction periods. She didn't. (I'm a little disappointed by that.)

    The bigger challenge was getting there. I live in Jersey City, so I had to get to the PATH train, and then walk through Times Square to get to the show. Any anxiety about how I looked faded once I was in Times Square, replaced by the anxiety that I always have just by being there.

    Fast forward to Sunday night. I was watching "The Music in Me" on UPTV, featuring Debbie Gibson. If I haven't mentioned this before, I love Debbie! (The "G" that I use as my last initial is in homage to her.) It was a little cheesy, but fun. And Debbie was live-tweeting during the show. There were a couple of times that she replied to one of my tweets - that was a weird experience, here I am watching her on TV and meanwhile having a twitter chat with her. I kinda like Twitter.

    She debuted a new song called "Promises" in the movie. It's about the importance of making and keeping promises, especially the ones we make to ourselves. I've recently been pretty goal-oriented (accomplishment is another question), but that prompted me to think in terms of making a promise to myself, rather than just setting goals. The promise I made to myself last night was "I promise to care about me." I think if I can sincerely keep this promise the other goals I have will fall into place, or it won't matter as much if they don't. (And obviously I don't mean to care about me to the exclusion of others! I think in fact that it's vital to care about yourself in order to care about other people.)

    My final take-away from the weekend is again about Debbie Gibson. I recently took a solo show class in which over the course of 7 weeks I wrote and prepared to perform a 6-minute solo show piece about my first experience of doing drag. We then had a class show. Early in the piece I refer to a signed picture of Debbie Gibson that says "Dear Christie, Luv ya sista! xo Debbie" - and then I refer to her as my "femme role model." First, I really do have that picture. Second, I don't think I realized even then how she really is my femme role model - I thought last night that she is the woman I want to be.

    Not that I want to be her, I don't want to be another person, I want to be myself. But I want to emulate the things about her that make me love her so much. Mainly that she knows what she loves doing and she does it. Her music career is obviously not what it was in the late 80s/early 90s, but she's still doing it! And she is an endless happy, positive person! (she wouldn't even trash Donald Trump after she got screwed on Celebrity Apprentice! Ok, I have to work on the "positive" part).

    That's all I have for now - love to everyone!

    Christie
  17. Chrissy

    New therapist

    By Chrissy,

    Good morning everyone!

    I started with my new therapist yesterday. My former therapist dropped out of my insurance network so I had to change. The timing worked out quite well though, I was able to look for a therapist who works extensively with gender identity issues. Going in I wasn't that sure how experienced she was (the Psychology Today website said that she has transsexual clients, but for all I knew that could have meant 2 or 3).

    As soon as we met I felt very comfortable with her, and during the course of the first session she made me feel more and more comfortable. She seems very well versed in the various issues around transitioning, and the complexity of what it means to transition.

    She also asked me early on if I have pronoun preferences (which in hindsight seemed interesting, after all, in a one-on-one conversation with therapy is, how often do pronouns come up?). She also asked me which name I'd prefer to use. At first I went with my male name, most likely because out of necessity I was presenting more male at the time, but then I switched it to my female (REAL) name.

    So between her, my friends, and the wonderful people on this website I feel like I have a great support system in place as I proceed along this journey (perhaps even family will join the group at some point, anything is possible).

    xoxo

    Christie
  18. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone,
    On Friday I mentioned that I had a goal over the weekend to go out "presenting as a woman" (as opposed to just appearing far more feminine than I used to).  I wasn't 100% certain what that meant when I said it, but on Sunday I did follow through.  I was fortunate that the drag queen who I always go see on Tuesday was doing a special Sunday Brunch show at noon, so I used that as my location.  
    Much of what I did was pretty typical for what I do already.  I wore my gray "Blossom Where You're Planted" top, khaki shorts, and multi-color shoes (too many colors to list).  Did my usual make-up routing - eye brows, eye liner, mascara, blush and lipstick.  What I did in addition to that was to wear my fake breasts and butt pads.
    I don't know how well it really worked, but I don't know how I would have known that anyway unless someone actually said something to me about it - the fact that nobody did suggests that I didn't do that well.  But that's not the big "take-away" for me.
    The big thing for me was how much it felt like a costume.  Not all of it, really just the fake breasts (the butt pads probably could have too, but I tend to forget I have them on).  It made me realize even more how much I want this to be real, and not a costume.  I could see the breasts (at least the shape of them), but they weren't real, I didn't feel them.  Interestingly, I liked the feel of the bra strap on my back, that felt like it belongs there.
    I think that's also why I'm hoping that the finasteride prescription will fill in my hair more so that I don't have to wear a wig.  But perhaps once I'm further along (HRT kicking in), I won't mind the one "costume" item.
    Today is probably the day that an email goes out to the 2 student groups I work with - so "Christie" will be a full reality at work (though most of the students already know due to some leakage of information).  And Saturday I have my endocrinologist appointment - so this should be a big week 
    xoxo
    Christie
  19. Chrissy

    HRT - follow-up

    By Chrissy,

    I went to see an endocrinologist on Friday after work.  A somewhat long journey out to Queens, but worth the trip.
    After seeing 2 different assistants (one who was getting some additional background information, the other did some basic checking - blood pressure, heart rate, etc.), I finally saw the doctor.
    I hadn't fully decided on whether or not I was going to pursue HRT when I went to see him, I wanted to see how I reacted to having an actual doctor give me information, as opposed to just doing my own research, I thought that would make it more concrete, more real.  Well, it did.  And I have to say that my mood kept getting better and better as he went on, and by the time I left his office I was feeling quite happy (when I tried to identify how I felt it took a few adjectives before I finally hit on "happy," it's not a feeling that I've experienced that much in my life, not at this level anyway).
    At one point he explained that once I'm on hormones long enough I would start to be treated by doctors more as a woman - mammograms, etc.  At that point I asked if it was normal that even that made me feel happy?
    Anyway, the decision still isn't made, but it feels much closer.  I have to work through the remaining fears a bit more, to make sure they're not significant enough to stand in the way.
    xoxo
    Christie
  20. Chrissy
    I just read this article in the Advocate, it was brought to my attention by several people I follow on Twitter.  The first person indicated that she didn't agree with all of it, but that it raised some good points.  Another person, who tends to be a little more "aggressive" in her opinions, opened fire on it repeatedly and, I think, unfairly.  I think it's a good piece discussing the divisions within the trans* community and the difficulty that causes in forming an effective movement.
    http://goo.gl/yhCB5G
    I've been looking to get involved somehow myself. I went to the Trans Day of Action a couple of weeks ago.  I felt a bit out of place, just because I didn't know anyone.  But at the same time it started to make me want to get involved again.  In the past I've been politically active, but I had become pretty apathetic over the past few years.  This seems like something that can get my activist spirit going again  
    But the article, and the Trans Day of Action, really got me thinking more about my identity as a transwoman.  As anyone who's read any of my blog entries probably knows, I've been quite focuses on "passing" (whether I called it that or not in any particular entry).  But there is really nothing to "pass" as - I am a transwoman.  I plan to start HRT, which will have some physical and emotional impact, but already I am dressing the way I want, I am doing make-up the way I want, overall I am presenting the way I want.  I have a few more steps to take in terms of what I wear - I have been exclusively in pants so far and I know that I really, really want to wear skirts and dresses (I've done it cross-dressing, but now I want to do it for real).
    I'll continue doing electrolysis - but otherwise I need to stop obsessing over "what else I need to do" and just start living it.  As far as the wig, I may or may not choose to wear it - I did wear it for the entire evening on Saturday to try to get the feel of it, and it wasn't bad, but I don't know if I want that full time rather than just working with my natural hair.
    I think the take-away from this for me is that while I am still transitioning, I am now transitioning within the realm of being a transwoman - I moving towards my identity as such, I'm not longer transitioning from male to female, that's done, the male is behind me (feel free to add your own innuendo to that thought - I just did).
    The biggest hurdle I have right now - that I have to overcome very, very soon - is the rest room.  I've still been using the mens' room, even though I feel more and more uncomfortable every time I go in there.  Today I honestly felt like I had no business being in there (most times it hasn't been too much of an issue because I've been alone, but today someone else is in there).
    Since I'm on the subject of "identity" I also wanted to add a thought I've been having on the topic of dressing "appropriately."  Some may disagree with me, but while I agree that it's the right thing to do to consider what you're doing or where you're going in terms of how you dress (going to work, going to a wedding, going to a funeral, etc.), I don't agree that age should really be a consideration.  When I'm at work, I dress appropriately for work.  When it's the weekend, honestly I probably dress "younger" than my age, and I'm happy with that.  I do think that if you're dressing younger because you're actually trying to be "younger" that's something that you might want to discuss in therapy, but if you're dressing "younger" because you like the fashion, then go for it.  People dress all sorts of ways, some that appeal to us individually, some that don't, and that's great.  If everyone (even everyone at work) was dressed exactly like me right now that would be really boring.
    I'll leave it at that - especially since it's Bastille Day and I have some partying to do :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
     
  21. Chrissy

    HRT - tomorrow!

    By Chrissy,

    I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment!  This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s).
    In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it.  My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that.  She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a problem.  That sounds right, but i doesn't completely extinguish the fear.  She also earlier mentioned that the blood work was more for determining appropriate levels, not as much (or at all?) as a screening mechanism.  So again, hopefully that's true :-)
    As for the "big" question, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing.  Anything that I had earlier that may have been doubt (but was more likely fear disguising itself as doubt - fear is a tricky little bastard) is gone, gone far away.
    One recent thing that confirms it is something I observed in the rest room the other day.  As I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm actually happy about how I look.  This isn't narcissism, far from it, I don't think I'm "hot," I'm just happy about how I look.  Go back a couple of years and that was absolutely never the case.  A friend of mine once observed that I had no mirrors in my apartment, aside from the bathroom mirror.  It was never a conscious thing, but it was true that I just wouldn't buy them, I didn't want to see myself!
    22 1/2 hours to go :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
  22. Chrissy

    HRT - yesterday!

    By Chrissy,

    Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday 
    I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME!  I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph.  The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription.  It didn't, he gave that to me anyway.  So delay averted.
    He said that he's starting me slowly, so that I might not even notice the emotional changes as they happen.  But he's a man, so what does he know.
    I'm hoping that sleep will return tonight.  That last 2 nights I haven't been able to because of the excitement.
    I go back in about 8 weeks after getting blood work done again to see how it's going.
  23. Chrissy
    I got through day 1 of presenting fully as a woman at work yesterday, and carried it into today (in addition to the wig I'm also wearing a skirt today).  Now that I've crossed that threshold I don't intend to go back, so I now see yesterday as the official beginning of my "real life" experience (my "tranniversary" if you will).
    Today added a delightful complication, it was pouring rain and windy out.  My route to work includes walking to Journal Square (in Jersey City) and taking the PATH to World Trade Center, and then walking to work.  Journal Square was the real challenge, it's like a bunch of wind tunnels all coming together in one place, so the wind (and rain) comes from all directions at the sam time.  Happy to report that my wig stayed perfectly in place :-)   I can still work on securing it better, but I seem to have it down sufficiently now.  Also happy that I decided to commute in tennis shoes (I brought heels with me).  Walking in that weather in heels would have been quite the challenge (and I don't think most women do that, I think wearing other shoes for commuting is pretty common).
    The surprise yesterday was that at around lunchtime there were a large number of students in the cafeteria (my office is beyond the cafeteria, so I have to go through it to get anywhere).  School doesn't start until next week (for 1st year students, the following week for the rest), but apparently there was some pre-first week intensive program going on.  So I had an immersion experience.  I just kept reminding myself to "do what I need to do" - to not alter what I'm doing to avoid being seen, just go about my regular work day.
    The unpleasant surprise was the ongoing attention that a person who works at a parking garage along my commute is paying me.  As I become more female he seems more interested - I've been clear enough in my lack of interest, but he keeps approaching (mind you I don't walk right by the garage anymore, he's going out of his way).  If it happens again I might need to contact his bosses and let them know what's going on (if he's doing it to me he might be doing it to others).  Coincidentally a co-worker asked me yesterday if I might be interested in a self-defense course - she's involved with an anti-violence group that organizes classes).  I'll probably take her up on that (not that the parking garage guy seems very threatening, but he's seeming increasingly off-balance, which can be dangerous).
    xoxo
    Christie
  24. Chrissy
    It's been almost a year since I first openly acknowledged to myself, and then my therapist, that I am transgender (it was sometime in February).  That got me to thinking last night about gender dysphoria.
    Early on I had read many accounts of people's experiences with GD, and I was having a hard time relating - most included comments about "knowing from early childhood that I was a girl trapped in a boy's body," etc., and I didn't really have those memories (I also recognized that at 48 years old I don't have a whole lot of any childhood memories).  Then I started seeing other stories - including Janet Mock's - that resonated quite soundly with me!  It was more about experiencing being the "wrong gender" as opposed to consciously knowing it.  So I settled down, and the road has been much smoother since then.
    Anyway, on the point of GD.  The best evidence that I now have that I had it is that I clearly no longer have it - it's in it's absence that it's most noticeable!  On that day last February when I came out, a lifetime of depression and malaise lifted immediately and has not returned (not that i don't have down times, but it's not the same existential crisis that it used to be).
    I get really annoyed/angry when i hear about those who question if GD is real, or how serious it is - I know what my life was before and since, and my GD was very, very serious, even if I didn't recognize it as GD (for a good part of my life I don't know if the concept of GD even existed).
    Just some thoughts on the approach of my anniversary :-)  (well, one of my anniversaries - I just have to figure out what date it was)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
    (BTW, I'm trying out "Chrissy" as a nickname)
  25. Chrissy

    Top Surgery

    By Chrissy,

    On February 8 I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss top surgery 
    I'd have to wait until August for insurance to cover, but I wanted to start seeing what's involved.  He's in Albany, but that's not too far and he's in-Network for insurance.
     
    Unrelated - today in Jersey City
     

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