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Chrissy

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  1. Chrissy

    long time...

    By Chrissy,

    It's been awhile since I've written anything here - that was partly (largely) because of school and recovery. My recovery from GRS is going well, I've now been cleared for everything (including tennis and sex!), and I'm down to dilating twice a day (until the end of June). There was some granulated tissue, but that's been taken care of. And I've now had the delightful female experience of having my feet up in the stirrups for a medical exam! It doesn't make you feel at all vulnerable (sarcasm). I'm glad that my surgeon's staff is entirely female, I suspect that part of the process would have been a little more uncomfortable if her PA who was checking me was male.
    I recently finished co-facilitating an 8-week support group for transgender people, this one was focused on those who had recently come out and/or were in the early stages of transitioning. The most interesting part for me personally was that going in I saw myself as in a very different place than the group members (since I've pretty much come out everywhere, and my physical transitioning is largely done), but there was definitely a common thread that made me very much part of the group (since it's a peer-run support group it was fine that I was sharing as well, thought I always made sure it was after anyone else had shared, I never took a priority position for myself). Specifically, the sense of alienation and rejection that people felt because of their gender identity, that's still definitely a very big part of my life - especially now that surgeries are done and I'm thinking more about the prospects of dating :-(
  2. Chrissy

    Feminist Group event

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I'm pretty excited about an upcoming event that I'm involved with - it's part of a feminist Meetup group that I belong to. Each month we have a moderated discussion on some issue within the feminist movement (last month was about racism in feminism). This month I'm moderating the discussion on transgender issues - the title is "Are trans women real women?" (the title is meant to be a little provocative, and to have a very obvious answer - the organizer was worried about using it, but since I was ok with being identified as transgender in the blurb about it she was ok with the title).
    We're going to show a couple of short videos - one by a TERF explaining why she doesn't accept transgender people as women, and then one by Janet Mock, explaining how she realized that she was a woman (well, a girl, she was 5 when it happened). Then we'll have a discussion about it! The topic is really "what is a woman?" which should be pretty interesting - I expect some discussion about nature vs. nurture ("Female brain" vs social construct).
    This is another example of where I've gone over time, since it was only within the last year that I was trying to pretend I'm not transgender - now I'm openly leading discussions about the topic. That of course is another huge thing - I told a friend about this, she's known me for 8 or 9 years, and she was thrilled, but also recognized how far I had come, back when we met there's no way I would have been willingly doing a public speaking event.
    More later!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  3. Chrissy
    I see I haven't updated since April 28, so I'm behind on a few items :-)
    My job - where I've worked for 10+ years now - recently announced employee buy-outs b/c they need to cut the budget.  Since I was already planning on going back to school, I took the buy-out and will now go back full-time (to NYU for a Masters in Social Work). Now I'm just here at work riding out my time until probably June 30 - it's SOOOO boring!!!
    On other fronts - next Monday I have a consult with a bottom surgeon in the Philadelphia area - very excited about that!  And in mid-July I have another appt with the top surgeon in Albany - to finalize details, etc.  That surgery is scheduled for August 19 - one of my friends who is a student, and thus free during the summer, is going with me (you have to have someone with you).
  4. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!  It's so nice starting my week on a Wednesday!!
    I kind of knew going in that this journey was going to be scary, but it's different when you face the reality.  I overcome a fear and take a step, and then discover that the next step is even scarier.  I trust that at SOME point that trend reverses.  This morning I added a couple of more elements to my day-to-day make-up regimen.  I was already doing mascara, nail polish, and a clear lip gloss.  Today I added eye liner, blush, and a reddish lip gloss (when I look at it I think "why not just wear lip stick?").  For the first time today I definitely caught some unusual looks from people - not bad, just a little confused.  So I know I'm doing something right 
    I had to face down what I thought were some doubts over the course of the weekend and this morning.  But on closer inspection I realized they weren't really doubts, just fears.  Fear that I won't be able to afford this, that I'll never look quite right, that I'll lose whatever social "network" I currently have, and worst of all, that I'll end up being a "freak."  I hate using that term, but it was the one that came into my head.  I just fear that no matter what I do I'll always look like a man trying to look like a woman.
    I can try to rationalize away most of the fears - especially when I think of the transwomen I've met and seen pictures of, I haven't seen a "freak" yet!
    I'm meeting sometime this week or next with a couple of people at work to discuss a "transition plan."  So that's exciting  
    Speaking of work, it's time I do some!
    xoxo
    Christie
  5. Chrissy

    NY Pride

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    Sunday is NY Pride, it will be my first as a physical woman!!!  Last year I was presenting full-time, but no surgeries yet. The year before was more of a gender-bending year.
    I'll post pics - I'm marching with NYU, so I have the shirt they gave us - I altered it to make it a v-neck, I wanted cleavage 😛
    Xoxo
    Chrissy
     
     
  6. Chrissy
    I just read this article in the Advocate, it was brought to my attention by several people I follow on Twitter.  The first person indicated that she didn't agree with all of it, but that it raised some good points.  Another person, who tends to be a little more "aggressive" in her opinions, opened fire on it repeatedly and, I think, unfairly.  I think it's a good piece discussing the divisions within the trans* community and the difficulty that causes in forming an effective movement.
    http://goo.gl/yhCB5G
    I've been looking to get involved somehow myself. I went to the Trans Day of Action a couple of weeks ago.  I felt a bit out of place, just because I didn't know anyone.  But at the same time it started to make me want to get involved again.  In the past I've been politically active, but I had become pretty apathetic over the past few years.  This seems like something that can get my activist spirit going again  
    But the article, and the Trans Day of Action, really got me thinking more about my identity as a transwoman.  As anyone who's read any of my blog entries probably knows, I've been quite focuses on "passing" (whether I called it that or not in any particular entry).  But there is really nothing to "pass" as - I am a transwoman.  I plan to start HRT, which will have some physical and emotional impact, but already I am dressing the way I want, I am doing make-up the way I want, overall I am presenting the way I want.  I have a few more steps to take in terms of what I wear - I have been exclusively in pants so far and I know that I really, really want to wear skirts and dresses (I've done it cross-dressing, but now I want to do it for real).
    I'll continue doing electrolysis - but otherwise I need to stop obsessing over "what else I need to do" and just start living it.  As far as the wig, I may or may not choose to wear it - I did wear it for the entire evening on Saturday to try to get the feel of it, and it wasn't bad, but I don't know if I want that full time rather than just working with my natural hair.
    I think the take-away from this for me is that while I am still transitioning, I am now transitioning within the realm of being a transwoman - I moving towards my identity as such, I'm not longer transitioning from male to female, that's done, the male is behind me (feel free to add your own innuendo to that thought - I just did).
    The biggest hurdle I have right now - that I have to overcome very, very soon - is the rest room.  I've still been using the mens' room, even though I feel more and more uncomfortable every time I go in there.  Today I honestly felt like I had no business being in there (most times it hasn't been too much of an issue because I've been alone, but today someone else is in there).
    Since I'm on the subject of "identity" I also wanted to add a thought I've been having on the topic of dressing "appropriately."  Some may disagree with me, but while I agree that it's the right thing to do to consider what you're doing or where you're going in terms of how you dress (going to work, going to a wedding, going to a funeral, etc.), I don't agree that age should really be a consideration.  When I'm at work, I dress appropriately for work.  When it's the weekend, honestly I probably dress "younger" than my age, and I'm happy with that.  I do think that if you're dressing younger because you're actually trying to be "younger" that's something that you might want to discuss in therapy, but if you're dressing "younger" because you like the fashion, then go for it.  People dress all sorts of ways, some that appeal to us individually, some that don't, and that's great.  If everyone (even everyone at work) was dressed exactly like me right now that would be really boring.
    I'll leave it at that - especially since it's Bastille Day and I have some partying to do :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
     
  7. Chrissy
    So day 1 is done - such a long day!  I volunteered to help with set up, so I was there starting at 6 a.m. But all totally worth it :-)
    On a matter of personal achievement first - during one of the panels I actually spoke during the Q&A. Perhaps seems small, but 3 or 4 years ago there's no way I would have done that - it was a fairly large room with about 50-60 people. No way. So that's a nice sign of what transitioning has done for me :-)
    The most interesting/controversial part was a lecture on "The Biology of Gender." It was a single presenter discussing the science and theories behind gender identity and gender variation. During the Q&A several people criticized it from the perspective that it was very binary - and he generally agreed (that the research itself tends to be biased in favor of the binary). Fair enough. However, I think this is an area where science and culture get conflated sometimes. Leaving aside the terms "sex" and "gender" for a moment - in my view there are 2 things going on: (1) there is what we are born, physiologically, biologically, neurologically, etc., and (2) there is the social construct that got built on top of that - sometimes with some basis, usually not.
    Regarding #1, I think we all exist on a spectrum from male to female - some in between, some "mixed" at birth (at least I think that's the prevalent theory about being transgender - genitalia developed one way, the brain the other). I also think that most reputable scientists - although they shorthand it as "male or female" - acknowledge that it's a spectrum and not a binary (they don't, for example, deny the existence of intersex individuals).
    Anyway - I'm not sure why I just started that, but curious if others have thoughts :-)

    xoxo
    Chrissy
  8. Chrissy

    HRT - yesterday!

    By Chrissy,

    Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday 
    I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME!  I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph.  The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription.  It didn't, he gave that to me anyway.  So delay averted.
    He said that he's starting me slowly, so that I might not even notice the emotional changes as they happen.  But he's a man, so what does he know.
    I'm hoping that sleep will return tonight.  That last 2 nights I haven't been able to because of the excitement.
    I go back in about 8 weeks after getting blood work done again to see how it's going.
  9. Chrissy
    I got through day 1 of presenting fully as a woman at work yesterday, and carried it into today (in addition to the wig I'm also wearing a skirt today).  Now that I've crossed that threshold I don't intend to go back, so I now see yesterday as the official beginning of my "real life" experience (my "tranniversary" if you will).
    Today added a delightful complication, it was pouring rain and windy out.  My route to work includes walking to Journal Square (in Jersey City) and taking the PATH to World Trade Center, and then walking to work.  Journal Square was the real challenge, it's like a bunch of wind tunnels all coming together in one place, so the wind (and rain) comes from all directions at the sam time.  Happy to report that my wig stayed perfectly in place :-)   I can still work on securing it better, but I seem to have it down sufficiently now.  Also happy that I decided to commute in tennis shoes (I brought heels with me).  Walking in that weather in heels would have been quite the challenge (and I don't think most women do that, I think wearing other shoes for commuting is pretty common).
    The surprise yesterday was that at around lunchtime there were a large number of students in the cafeteria (my office is beyond the cafeteria, so I have to go through it to get anywhere).  School doesn't start until next week (for 1st year students, the following week for the rest), but apparently there was some pre-first week intensive program going on.  So I had an immersion experience.  I just kept reminding myself to "do what I need to do" - to not alter what I'm doing to avoid being seen, just go about my regular work day.
    The unpleasant surprise was the ongoing attention that a person who works at a parking garage along my commute is paying me.  As I become more female he seems more interested - I've been clear enough in my lack of interest, but he keeps approaching (mind you I don't walk right by the garage anymore, he's going out of his way).  If it happens again I might need to contact his bosses and let them know what's going on (if he's doing it to me he might be doing it to others).  Coincidentally a co-worker asked me yesterday if I might be interested in a self-defense course - she's involved with an anti-violence group that organizes classes).  I'll probably take her up on that (not that the parking garage guy seems very threatening, but he's seeming increasingly off-balance, which can be dangerous).
    xoxo
    Christie
  10. Chrissy

    Dress up time!

    By Chrissy,

    This past weekend we hosted a moot court competition at our school, and as Moot Court staff administrator I was very involved in the planning, and naturally attended the Saturday night reception for the event.  It was my first real opportunity to "dress up"   The picture below is me (on the left) and 2 students.
    I did realize on Friday night as I was packing up for the next day that I had never really dressed in plum before, so I didn't know what color make-up to use - fortunately Google exists and I found that lavender works perfectly!
    Overall a very fun night!  My next opportunity will be the Law Review Banquet on April 1 - of course I just wore this dress, so I'll have to come up with something else for that occasion.
     
     

  11. Chrissy

    HRT - tomorrow!

    By Chrissy,

    I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment!  This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s).
    In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it.  My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that.  She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a problem.  That sounds right, but i doesn't completely extinguish the fear.  She also earlier mentioned that the blood work was more for determining appropriate levels, not as much (or at all?) as a screening mechanism.  So again, hopefully that's true :-)
    As for the "big" question, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing.  Anything that I had earlier that may have been doubt (but was more likely fear disguising itself as doubt - fear is a tricky little bastard) is gone, gone far away.
    One recent thing that confirms it is something I observed in the rest room the other day.  As I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm actually happy about how I look.  This isn't narcissism, far from it, I don't think I'm "hot," I'm just happy about how I look.  Go back a couple of years and that was absolutely never the case.  A friend of mine once observed that I had no mirrors in my apartment, aside from the bathroom mirror.  It was never a conscious thing, but it was true that I just wouldn't buy them, I didn't want to see myself!
    22 1/2 hours to go :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
  12. Chrissy

    Family, travel, etc.

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    Happy Monday!  It's still strikes me as funny that I can actually believe that when I say it now - but it's true.
    Since I got my promotion (and raise) at work I decided I could and should go away finally.  It's been at least 2 or 3 years since I went away - granted, I don't really like traveling all the much, but usually I like to get at least a long weekend somewhere each year.  So in November, in the week before Thanksgiving, I'm going down to D.C.  It's part family, part fun.  I have an aunt and uncle (not husband and wife, they are my mother's brother and her other brother's wife), and three cousins and their families.  I suggested to one of my cousins that if I was going to see my aunt and uncle I could consider "going back" just for those visits - both are in their mid to late 80s, no need to shock them.  But he said he didn't think there's any need - my aunt has dealt with enough and can deal with this (she is Spanish and grew up very conservative catholic and has 2 kids who are gay, so yes), and my uncles probably has more in his background than any of us can match - so I'm going with that.  (I probably will suggest that it would be good if one of my cousins could tell them before I go down)
    The bigger thing for me is just the idea of traveling - this is the first time for me traveling as a woman.  I have no idea what that means, but I feel like it's something.  I've been to D.C. many, many times, but I have no idea what I will do now - I imagine some of the gay bars I've gone to will still be fine, but who knows (I doubt my cousins will be of much help, they all live outside the city and are older and settled).
    Speaking of family, it's now been about a month since my last email to my sister and still no response.  I want to believe that it's fine, if that's how it's going to be that's it, but I have to admit that when I was thinking about it Friday night it kind of hurt.  We haven't always been very close, but we have been at times, and I'd miss that if it's gone.  I'm not going to do anything further about it unless she does, I know it just has to be what it is, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt.
    On a more positive front - I mailed in my paperwork to update my Birth Certificate today (name only, in NJ you can't change gender until after GRS), and my mortgage company.
    xoxo
    Christie
  13. Chrissy
    So 3 updates as another week comes to an end...
    I met yesterday with our Dean and Associate Dean - it was a very positive, encouraging meeting.  They proposed how to handle communicating my transition to my new name (and transition generally) to a broader audience (the students I work with directly, and then a general communication to the entire school which wouldn't identify me directly but would discuss the school's policies, etc. re transgender faculty/staff/students).  They also made it clear that updating my email address wouldn't be an issue (officially there is a policy that it has to incorporate you legal first name).  I also found out that our dean was one of the original drafters of the NYC administrative policy regarding TG employees (he was formerly chief counsel to Mayor Bloomberg).  So he's kind of familiar with these matters!
    The Stonewall Girls meetup was last night, and this time I decided to go "as is."  I usually would go home and get more en femme (wig, skirt, etc.), but now that feels too much like wearing a costume.  It is an attempt to present as a woman, but not necessarily as me.  It ended up being beneficial because it gave me a better sense of where exactly I am in terms of presentation.  In the rest of the world the noticeable thing is that I'm doing feminine things with my look, but in a TG/CD group it's more noticeable that I still look partly like a guy.  (It was described by one person there as "in between").  So I can use those meetups (every Thursday) as one way to gauge my progress, simply by committing to going "as me."
    Finally, and MOST important - my hair worked today   I curled it this morning so that it would curl in towards the bottom, usually the wind blow is it out on my way in to work, but today it held!

  14. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    Well, i'm now "out" to everyone.  An email went out to the entire faculty and staff at the school where I work about my transition.  Enough people already knew, so I was getting used to being called Christie, in emails and face to face (though introducing myself as such still feels a little weird).
    My recent outward transitioning was driven by internal feelings, but now I think it's time to look inward again.  The outward things were necessary, but it drew me away from looking inside.  Fortunately I have the next week off from work, so I have some time to absorb and process things.
    that includes HRT.  I'm now in a position that if I decide it's time, I can do it.  I'm not saying there's a rush to decide, but now I have new "information" to process.  I'be spoken with an endocrinologist about it, which made the idea more concrete (and made me happy), and I think my therapist is prepared to write a letter for me if I say i'm ready (I think she has a preference to talk a little more about a couple of things, and I agree, but I think she would write it if I asked).
    Well, time to get to it! Right after a nap (I was up too early today)
    Xoxo
    Christie
  15. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone,
    On Friday I mentioned that I had a goal over the weekend to go out "presenting as a woman" (as opposed to just appearing far more feminine than I used to).  I wasn't 100% certain what that meant when I said it, but on Sunday I did follow through.  I was fortunate that the drag queen who I always go see on Tuesday was doing a special Sunday Brunch show at noon, so I used that as my location.  
    Much of what I did was pretty typical for what I do already.  I wore my gray "Blossom Where You're Planted" top, khaki shorts, and multi-color shoes (too many colors to list).  Did my usual make-up routing - eye brows, eye liner, mascara, blush and lipstick.  What I did in addition to that was to wear my fake breasts and butt pads.
    I don't know how well it really worked, but I don't know how I would have known that anyway unless someone actually said something to me about it - the fact that nobody did suggests that I didn't do that well.  But that's not the big "take-away" for me.
    The big thing for me was how much it felt like a costume.  Not all of it, really just the fake breasts (the butt pads probably could have too, but I tend to forget I have them on).  It made me realize even more how much I want this to be real, and not a costume.  I could see the breasts (at least the shape of them), but they weren't real, I didn't feel them.  Interestingly, I liked the feel of the bra strap on my back, that felt like it belongs there.
    I think that's also why I'm hoping that the finasteride prescription will fill in my hair more so that I don't have to wear a wig.  But perhaps once I'm further along (HRT kicking in), I won't mind the one "costume" item.
    Today is probably the day that an email goes out to the 2 student groups I work with - so "Christie" will be a full reality at work (though most of the students already know due to some leakage of information).  And Saturday I have my endocrinologist appointment - so this should be a big week 
    xoxo
    Christie
  16. Chrissy

    Weekend goals...

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Friday ladies and gentlemen and all points between and around!
    Well this was quite the week.  I knew that changing to my female name at work would be "big," but I didn't fully anticipate the anxiety, exhilaration, excitement, fear (and several other emotional states that I may never have experienced before) that would come with it.  It really was a very unusual week as people started referring to me as Christie, and using female pronouns.  The word spread faster than was planned (thanks to my 2 supervisors accidentally using Christie in emails that went to students), but that's ok, it just caused a few moments of confusion for me when I tried to figure out if I should just start using it with them too, or just not "sign" my emails (I went for that - the email that's going to be sent is from the Dean, I don't want to look like I was getting out in front of him, even though this is obviously about me).
    My goals this weekend (I like putting these in writing to someone, helps keep me from just not doing it):
    (1) Another period of "quiet contemplation" - my stepping-off point for this is going to be to list and then explore what I'm afraid of (certainly I've done that before, but it's a good question to go back to).  before and after that I'll also ask myself the question that Karen suggested - "Do I have any hesitation?"
    (2) On Sunday my favorite drag queen (who does the Tuesday night show that I go to, and have occasionally performed at) is doing a brunch show.  I'm using that as my opportunity to try going out presenting fully as a woman.  I want to see how close I can get to that from where I am now.  It's really I think just a more serious version of what I used to do when I was "cross-dressing."  I'll try to get some pics!  (desperately, I want to see myself in pics)
    I hope everyone has a great weekend!

    xoxo

    Christie
  17. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!

    My desire to go tech-free this weekend didn't work out so well, but I reduced my usage substantially, which was nice. I just wanted to get an entry out to start my week with some random things from this past weekend.

    Saturday night I "pushed myself" a little. I was going to see a drag show (Jackie Beat, my all time favorite drag queen!) and decided it was the perfect opportunity to gender-bend in terms of my presentation. I wore a grey woman's t-shirt from Kohl's (says "Bloom where you're planted"), black Jennifer Lopez pants (with bedazzling of sorts), pink & black tennis shoes, a pink hoodie, and of course my favorite JLo bag. A touch of mascara as well - I had wanted to do my nails but forgot about it until shortly before I had to leave, so I had to abandon that.

    Being at the show I knew would be a "safe" environment, it is a drag show after all. The greatest danger was that somehow I would draw her attention and she'd "target" me during one of her audience interaction periods. She didn't. (I'm a little disappointed by that.)

    The bigger challenge was getting there. I live in Jersey City, so I had to get to the PATH train, and then walk through Times Square to get to the show. Any anxiety about how I looked faded once I was in Times Square, replaced by the anxiety that I always have just by being there.

    Fast forward to Sunday night. I was watching "The Music in Me" on UPTV, featuring Debbie Gibson. If I haven't mentioned this before, I love Debbie! (The "G" that I use as my last initial is in homage to her.) It was a little cheesy, but fun. And Debbie was live-tweeting during the show. There were a couple of times that she replied to one of my tweets - that was a weird experience, here I am watching her on TV and meanwhile having a twitter chat with her. I kinda like Twitter.

    She debuted a new song called "Promises" in the movie. It's about the importance of making and keeping promises, especially the ones we make to ourselves. I've recently been pretty goal-oriented (accomplishment is another question), but that prompted me to think in terms of making a promise to myself, rather than just setting goals. The promise I made to myself last night was "I promise to care about me." I think if I can sincerely keep this promise the other goals I have will fall into place, or it won't matter as much if they don't. (And obviously I don't mean to care about me to the exclusion of others! I think in fact that it's vital to care about yourself in order to care about other people.)

    My final take-away from the weekend is again about Debbie Gibson. I recently took a solo show class in which over the course of 7 weeks I wrote and prepared to perform a 6-minute solo show piece about my first experience of doing drag. We then had a class show. Early in the piece I refer to a signed picture of Debbie Gibson that says "Dear Christie, Luv ya sista! xo Debbie" - and then I refer to her as my "femme role model." First, I really do have that picture. Second, I don't think I realized even then how she really is my femme role model - I thought last night that she is the woman I want to be.

    Not that I want to be her, I don't want to be another person, I want to be myself. But I want to emulate the things about her that make me love her so much. Mainly that she knows what she loves doing and she does it. Her music career is obviously not what it was in the late 80s/early 90s, but she's still doing it! And she is an endless happy, positive person! (she wouldn't even trash Donald Trump after she got screwed on Celebrity Apprentice! Ok, I have to work on the "positive" part).

    That's all I have for now - love to everyone!

    Christie
  18. Chrissy

    HRT - follow-up

    By Chrissy,

    I went to see an endocrinologist on Friday after work.  A somewhat long journey out to Queens, but worth the trip.
    After seeing 2 different assistants (one who was getting some additional background information, the other did some basic checking - blood pressure, heart rate, etc.), I finally saw the doctor.
    I hadn't fully decided on whether or not I was going to pursue HRT when I went to see him, I wanted to see how I reacted to having an actual doctor give me information, as opposed to just doing my own research, I thought that would make it more concrete, more real.  Well, it did.  And I have to say that my mood kept getting better and better as he went on, and by the time I left his office I was feeling quite happy (when I tried to identify how I felt it took a few adjectives before I finally hit on "happy," it's not a feeling that I've experienced that much in my life, not at this level anyway).
    At one point he explained that once I'm on hormones long enough I would start to be treated by doctors more as a woman - mammograms, etc.  At that point I asked if it was normal that even that made me feel happy?
    Anyway, the decision still isn't made, but it feels much closer.  I have to work through the remaining fears a bit more, to make sure they're not significant enough to stand in the way.
    xoxo
    Christie
  19. Chrissy

    New therapist

    By Chrissy,

    Good morning everyone!

    I started with my new therapist yesterday. My former therapist dropped out of my insurance network so I had to change. The timing worked out quite well though, I was able to look for a therapist who works extensively with gender identity issues. Going in I wasn't that sure how experienced she was (the Psychology Today website said that she has transsexual clients, but for all I knew that could have meant 2 or 3).

    As soon as we met I felt very comfortable with her, and during the course of the first session she made me feel more and more comfortable. She seems very well versed in the various issues around transitioning, and the complexity of what it means to transition.

    She also asked me early on if I have pronoun preferences (which in hindsight seemed interesting, after all, in a one-on-one conversation with therapy is, how often do pronouns come up?). She also asked me which name I'd prefer to use. At first I went with my male name, most likely because out of necessity I was presenting more male at the time, but then I switched it to my female (REAL) name.

    So between her, my friends, and the wonderful people on this website I feel like I have a great support system in place as I proceed along this journey (perhaps even family will join the group at some point, anything is possible).

    xoxo

    Christie
  20. Chrissy

    Catching up

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I just noticed it's been about 3 weeks since I've written anything!  It's been a bit of a whirlwind lately, but mostly in a good or great way.
    The biggest update is that as of October 19 my name will officially, legally become Christie Ann  :-)    Then begins the long process of changing my name everywhere (I have a lengthy list going - I just spent some time prioritizing - driver's license, credit cards, HR at work, etc.).  Using that as a basis I sent a group-wide email to family members - cousins and extended family - telling them about my transition and my name change.  I've heard back - positively - from several of them already.
    This coming Thursday is my next endocrinologist appointment, so hopefully my HRT prescription will be increased.
    In general, presenting as a woman has become far more second-nature.  I was thrown a little today when I went shopping, the person at Loft started using male pronouns, but I realized it was just because when I went to open an account I had to give her my driver's license, so it was understandable (though still, I was standing right there, openly shopping at store that only sells women's clothing...)  Anyway...  I do need to resume working on my voice.
    Work-wise, I got a promotion recently.  Although I'm still doing the functions I was doing, they added some marketing responsibilities (website and social media specifically), and increased my pay grade, with a pretty nice salary increase.  It makes the prospect of some surgery next summer much more feasible (I'm thinking about top surgery next summer).
    There are still some things that don't feel quite right - but in general things are moving in a better direction (including my shoulder, which is starting to get back some mobility).  One thing I observed about myself last night is that I tend to wait for things to happen rather than doing things.  It shows itself the most with my excessive checking of email and twitter.  I need to work on that.
    Anyway, that's my update for now :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
  21. Chrissy
    Happy Monday everyone!
    I'm continuing to watch and enjoy "I am Cait," both for watching her personal journey but also because it has managed to be a pretty informative show.  Yesterday featured a particularly strange mix - Kate Bornstein and Kim Kardashian appearing in the same TV show (not at the same time, not sure how that would have worked out).  Kate's appearance, to me, built on the good feeling I get about the show from the fact that Jenny Boylan has appeared on it (and I think will again?)
    One of the more poignant moments was Kate B. asking Cait J. how she was handling the "freak factor."  The fact that so many people in the world see us as freaks.  Caitlyn seemed a bit at a loss, responding that what she hoped they were doing there was trying to make it more normal - to which Kate replied that that was because she didn't like the idea of being a freak.  This was juxtaposed with a later scene in which parents of trans kids compared it to living with a unicorn (I can't give more detail, but it was a very positive statement).  In my own experience both positions exist in the world, over time the "unicorn" view should win out!
    I did wonder later if Caitlyn actually understands the "freak factor" at all.  After all she is in her bubble - she doesn't really have to be exposed to anyone she doesn't want to be (vs. others who have to live lives out in the world).  That's not a criticism, but I hope she takes what Kate B. said and works with it over the course of the show.
    I was a little distressed by people on twitter bemoaning the fact that there are occasionally Kardashians on the show - it would be pretty sad if Caitlyn excluded them, seeing as they are her family!  And I think Kim and Chloe both played good roles last night in terms of bringing some valid issues to Caitlyn's attention (we're not the only ones who have to deal with our transition - even if it is our journey).  The only thing I'd like to say to Caitlyn with respect to her family communication is to stop telling them "not to go there"!  Communication has to be open (in my limited conversations with my sister, I may have thought those kinds of things, but I keep them to myself for now, giving her some time).
    ***
    It's shoulder surgery for me tomorrow morning :-(  Hopefully that will get me back to the tennis courts soon! (won't be too soon, at least a couple of months of rehab most likely).  I'm also going to a friend's birthday gathering this Thursday night (depending on how I'm doing after surgery).  If so, this will be the first time going to a "straight" bar in full woman presentation!
    On the work front, this is "First Week" at school, so incoming students start classes today, which means the school will be much busier than it has been.  The students I work directly with are 2nd and 3rd year, so they won't be around until next week.  So now I get to see how it feels to be at a busy school :-)    (they did create a gender neutral restroom last week - though I'm now comfortable enough using the women's room - the idea behind the gender neutral restroom is more about a place for anyone who might be uncomfortable sharing a restroom with a trans person).
    xoxo
    Christie
     
     
  22. Chrissy

    cloudy day

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,

    After a very affirmative weekend I'm feeling a little "overcast." It's certainly fueled in part by other things going on in my life (i'm sure I mentioned in another entry that I have a job that I often hate), but it's drifting over here.

    I know there are some people on here who are around my age (i'm 48, 49 in july), so i'm hoping somebody might have some words of encouragement if they'very felt this way.

    I'very been thinking back about my childhood a lot recently, thinking about early indicators of being transgender, and while it's been useful in that sense, I also can't help but wonder who I could have been - and who I never will be - because I couldn't be free to be myself back then.

    I know that living with regret is useless, but sometimes I feel completely powerless against it.

    I hope that when this passes (and I do know that it will), I can channel the feeling sonehow, maybe do something to help the next generation more so that they can live the fullest lives that they can. But for now I just wonder why I couldn't.

    That's all I have on this for now - thank you for listening

    Xoxo

    Christie
  23. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    I've read a few articles about part of Hillary Clinton's upcoming book (which I just pre-ordered!  I can't wait to read it, and I don't usually read books by politicians). This was specifically about the debate in which Trump kept wandering around the stage and seemingly (not seemingly, he was) stalking her. She spoke about how creepy it was (it really was, even watching him do it was creepy) and how she continues to second-guess the fact that she didn't say anything to him right then and there.
    An op-ed in the Times talks about how common an experience that is for women in many settings (ok, for most of us it's not in the context of a Presidential debate) - both the experience of men trying to intimidate through stalking behavior, and the thought process that we go through when it happens - do I do something?  do I just ignore it?  How will I be perceived if I say something? This writer suggested - I think accurately - that there probably wouldn't have been any political benefit to Hillary challenging him. Anyone who would have viewed that positively was probably already supporting her, the others would have just kept talking about how "shrill" she is.
    I was thinking about this in the context of my own - transgender - experience. First, with respect to Hillary, I'm not sure how I would have felt about it if I was still living as a man and she had spoken back - I'd like to think I would have been supportive of her, and I think I would have, but I wouldn't have totally understood what she was experiencing and why she was reacting. For that to happen I had to be living as a woman. In the couple of years that I've been living openly as a woman I've had several experiences that, while not the same as what she went through, are similar. These were basically situations in which men, strangers on the street (or in a bus in one case) got overly assertive - they approached me with whatever intention they had and didn't back down despite my clear lack of interest. In all cases nothing ended up happening, I was able to walk away from it and they eventually did give up - but while it was happening I went through that same thought process, do I say something? Do I just ignore it?
    Like I said, nothing ended up happening - but because of these incidents I've had to adjust certain things. In one case it caused me to adjust the route I take going to and from the PATH station (because he works at a parking garage that's along the route I used to take), and in another how I choose seating on public transit (I stay close to the front of the bus, in an aisle seat). In another case there's really not much I can do, it was someone who aggressively approached me in a supermarket - short of changing stores, there isn't much to do. These aren't major life adjustments, but it's an indicator of ongoing sexism that I have to do them - men don't (that probably isn't 100% true, but much more often than not men don't find themselves in similar situations).
    I have thought about self-defense classes, I should continue to look into that.
    I'm curious about what experiences others have had and what steps they've taken?
    Chrissy
  24. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    Happy Thursday!  Happy for me because starting tomorrow I'm on vacation for a week.  I'm sure I'll be checking in here during that time, but probably not doing any blogging.
    In an earlier post I mentioned how I was aiming for July 27 as the day that I would officially start presenting as a woman.  My last post altered that course a bit, so I'm going to see now what exactly I'm doing.  I'm certainly going to keep playing with make-up and other things, but the difference between today and July 27 might not physically be all that great, mentally on the other hand, I think it will be huge.
    My birthday is coming up next Thursday - my first birthday living authentically as me!
    xoxo
    Christie
  25. Chrissy

    Another step closer

    By Chrissy,

    I had my weekly therapy session today and she confirmed that she had faxed the needed letter to my surgeon to authorize my top surgery - yay!  In this case insurance doesn't actually require it, but the surgeon does - needed a letter from a therapist confirming gender dysphoria. I called and confirmed that they got it, and they did - tomorrow they'll be contacting the insurance company to start the pre-authorization process.
    It isn't happening until August, but I still was happy to see it moving forward 
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