Jackson

Today my mother and I went out to get a tree. I picked out a blue spruce. It's really pretty and smells good. We are still putting on the ornaments but it looks really nice. Christmas will always be my favorite holiday.Theres our tree!

So, I joined chorus because I enjoy singing. But we have concerts during the winter and spring. I found out last week that we had a chorus concert coming up on December 16th. We have to wear something formal to, and you know what that means. Dresses and suits and all of that fancy stuff. Im not into dresses or skirts, but I know my mom is going to try and force me into wearing a dress. I don't want to either. My boyfriend told me to refuse, and that is what I am going to do. And if that doesnt work then I will say: "if my dad wears a dress then i will," and i doubt my dad will put on a dress and go to see me at my chorus concert in a dress. Although it might piss off both my mother and father that i refuse to wear a dress, they have to realize that they cant control everything I do.

I have been having really bad dysphoria, but to distract myself I drew some anime characters, whom are males, from my favorite anime Attack On Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin. It honestly helps me to relax, just like singing. ↑↑ those are the drawings. They both took me a long time, but I think Levi took me a bit longer...

Honestly, dysphoria sucks so much. Its just like you have this shadow following you and constantly saying. "You're never going to pass as a female/male!" "You have a pair of boobs and a vagina/penis, so you can't be the other gender!" All those awful things. I look at myself in the mirror and it just. . . It sucks. I can barely even look at my body when I'm in the shower. I can't bind, and I can't pack because there's no way my mom or dad would allow me to. And I hate going to stores and having to walk into the girls bathroom. When I am hanging out with my friend Haylee and her mom (who supports me being trans and calls me the appropriate name and pronouns --plus she's bisexual and has a girlfriend--) allow me to go into the men's room if I need to go. Her mom also allowed me to shop in he men's/boys section for clothes. All I got was a jacket. If I had gotten anything else my mom would have flipped. But back to dysphoria. Its a pain in my ass, it really is and I just want it to go the hell away! It sucks, and I break down a lot because of it. I have three people to help me through it though, well, four actually. I've got Haylee, her mom, my Long Distance best friend Tyler and my boyfriend Chris. Chris is transgender too but has gotten most of his transitions done and has been on testosterone for about a year I think. Can't remember. . . I am trying my best to stay strong through all of this. I have to be strong or else I will get nowhere if I just give up now. And I don't intend on giving up anytime soon.

So, I have been told quite a few times to put myself in my parents shoes. And I have been. I am trying my best to view things from their..eh, what word could I use? Perspective? I'm not quite sure, I'm not good with words. But anyways. I can understand that something like this is hard for them, considering that they were born in a completely different time. So I know I have to be easy with them, but at times it can be hard because my parents want everything to be their way. If things don't go their way they get upset. I don't try and talk with them about it only because I get nervous and break down easily. And my mom is always staring at me which makes me extremely uncomfortable. She never looks away, she just stares at me with her cold, blue eyes. I have tried talking with her a few times but it is hard for me to talk about my problems and how I feel because I always kept to myself. I have struggled with my gender for awhile. I can't really remember what age I was when I felt the need to be male, but I was a kid so whenever I thought of something about myself I just tried my best not to focus on that. I focused on trying to please my mother and father but that didn't really work. As I got older and older I struggled more and more with myself. I was always so insecure and bashful about my face, my body, my voice. All of that. I was never comfortable with myself. When I got to the ages of 11-13 I began to self-harm. I grew depressed, I always spent time in my room away from my family and barely left the house. And I still am like that, but the self-harming is getting better. I have been clean for a few months and the cuts on my legs are beginning to heal. In the seventh grade towards the end of the year I went to my friend Haylee and pulled her aside and said. "Haylee, I have to tell you something." And so she looked at me and waited. And I built up my courage to say "I think I might be a FtoM Transgender..." and we talked about it, she tried helping me with dysphoria and also tried to find me some support groups. And we talked about it a lot. She still does. When I go back and ask her how she felt and what she thought when I first told her she said to me "I wasn't really that surprised to be honest. I just kinda already knew." And so that's how that went. I do research on things, and I am also in counseling with a wonderful guy. We talk about a lot of things such as what goes on at home and how I am doing so I am getting the help I have been in need of for such a long time. I understand I am still young and have a long life ahead of me, and I need to think about things carefully because I dont want to end up doing something I regret. But I'm fighting to move forward, I'm keeping my head held high and I'm trying to find out who I am and sort this whole thing out.

Hello, as said in the description, I am Jackson but Jack is just fine. I am 14 years of age and I am what others would call a "FTM Transgender", or simply "Female To Male Transgender". This blog will mainly contain posts of my journey as a transgender youth living with an unsupportive mother and father. It is hard, but I have to stay strong and keep moving forward in order to get somewhere. I will also give as best of advice as I can to transgenders who haven't yet come out to family or any kind of gender really. It is a hard thing, I understand that and I know it can be scary. It was scary for me coming out to my parents but I still did it because it was something I had to do. I wouldn't get anywhere if I hadn't come out. I will ge more into what had all happened once I get my account and blog all set up, so until then stay tuned with me and wait for my next upload. Love you guys, Jackson