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Blackangel

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  1. Blackangel
    I just want to ask everyone not to hate me after reading this. I know any respect I have gotten will be gone, and I will lose friends, but the time has come for me to get this off my chest.

    When I was a kid, I was taught hate. I was taught that if someone wasn't a straight, white, cis, Christian, that they were to be hated and treated cruelly. Since that was all I knew from the cradle, that's what I believed.
    I was dealing with a lot of feelings that I refused to acknowledge. I'm bisexual and trans. If I had come out back then, it would have gotten me killed. If I wanted to live I had to keep those thoughts to myself and ignore them. So I was closeted for a very long time. And the self loathing was almost to nuclear levels.
    Here's where I'll lose friends.
    I was out one night and committed a hate crime. It was a gay bashing. I came across a gay man. I attacked him simply for being gay. I beat him and almost killed him. We didn't know each other, so he couldn't really give a description of who did it. As such I never faced any criminal charges. But I did, and still do have a lifetime of shame, and hating myself for what I did to him. I'm not going to offer a reason or excuse for what I did, because there is none. There is no excuse for doing something like that. And there is no reason for it. I only mentioned being taught the hate, to try to give a look into just how screwed up I was.
    And I still am.
    I don't like looking myself in the mirror, simply because I remember what I did. In all honesty, I deserve someone doing the same to me, for the same reason. Put me in his shoes, so to speak.
    I did run into him at the store a number of years later. It turned out he had to have an eye removed due to my worthlessness. He was scared at first when he saw me, but I reassured him he was in no danger. I told him I only wanted to apologize for what I did. I knew that no words could make up for what I did to him, but wanted him to know how much I regret what I had done. He just looked at me for a few seconds. Then he said he appreciated the apology, but still wasn't at a place where he could accept it or forgive me. I told him that I doubted he ever would reach that place. I gave him my name, address, phone number, and email. I told him that if he ever wanted to contact me for any reason that I would always answer. And that if he decided he wanted to press charges, that I wouldn't fight it. I would plead guilty and take the punishment I deserved. He said he appreciated that, but not to hold my breath. We walked away from each other at that point.
    I know trying to apologize was a step in the right direction, but I didn't feel any better. I still felt like the scum of the earth. I know for doing what I did, I am and always will be absolutely despicable. This isn't a "woe is me" post. I don't deserve any sympathy or pity. Give that to him. I just needed to get that off my chest.
    Some of you will be asking, why didn't I just turn myself in? I did talk to a cop about that. His exact words will forever be etched into my mind. He said:
    "So what? You beat a f**. F him."
    Prejudice plays a role in the legal system on whether or not the cops do anything, apparently.
     
    But that is the end of this post. If that gets me expelled from this site, I understand. I hope it won't, but I won't be surprised if it does. And to the friends that I have lost, and all the respect that I have lost, I understand that too. Maybe, if I'm not banned, someday I can earn your friendship back. Even if there's an asterisk by it.
  2. Blackangel

    Rat Guide For Those Interested

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    PART 1 - CHOOSING YOUR RAT
    You need to decide first off whether you want them to breed or not. If you don't want them breeding then you need to choose only one sex. Either male or female. Both genders typically get along well with each other, but there is always a hierarchy. One rat will be dominant. They will "battle" for dominance, but it is almost never true violence. They tend to wrestle or box more. Once you decide on your sex, decide how many you want. Rats are social animals and will not survive alone. I highly recommend a minimum of 4 rats. The more rats you get the better their health will be. Both physically, and mentally. They need the companionship of other rats to survive. DO NOT GET YOUR RATS FROM A PET STORE THAT SELLS THEM AS FEEDER RATS! Those rats are typically sick and not cared for at all. Get your rats from a reputable breeder. They are pet rats that will survive more than a few days and act as pets should.

    PART 2 - RAT BEHAVIOR AND MENTALITY
    As said already there will always be a hierarchy. Dominance will often be challenged and you will see your rats battling it out. But just because they are chasing each other and wrestling doesn't mean mutiny. They are very playful animals. They romp and run just like children. They are actually quite entertaining to watch. They are also extremely smart animals. They remember like an elephant. If you mistreat them they remember it and will not trust you. If you are kind to them they will like you better.

    They love to explore. New surroundings mean new places to see. But unless you buy a rat ball, or a rat pen, this is not a good idea to let them do. A full grown rat can squeeze through a hole the size of a quarter. Once they do that, they are most likely gone for good.

    Rats are nesters. They need a lot of material to build a nest. In the wild a colony can have up to 100 rats that are constantly maintaining the colonies nest.

    They sleep a lot. They burn a lot of energy when they are playing, and tend to wear themselves out fairly quickly. It's not good for their health to try to play with them when they are trying to sleep. Wait until they wake up on their own.

    Typically rats don't bite or claw, unless they feel threatened. If you don't present yourself as a threat you will do fine, but you do need to present yourself as the dominant one. If they feel that they are dominant over you, you will never be able to handle them. Some rats do bite. They might have been mistreated previously and are afraid. It's all down to the individual rat's personality. They can be a*****es just like people can.

    Rats will however, give you a very light nibble from time to time. This is what's known as a rat kiss. It's the same as when a dog licks you. It's a sign of affection, and nothing to be afraid of. They will also take a hold of your finger with their paws frequently. This means that they want your attention. If they do that, it's a sign that they love you.

    PART 3 - RAT HOUSING
    There are many types of housing choices for rats. You can get what are called "rat cities", which tend to run $200-$300 typically. These are what I personally use. Or you can get a simple wire cage or aquarium. If you go with any kind of wired cage make sure the bars are no more than ½ inch apart. If they are more than that, the rats will escape. I recommend an aquarium for beginners, because rats are extremely skilled escape artists. Depending on the number of rats you get would determine the minimum size of aquarium you need. It would be best to base it by rat. A typical aquarium for example is 20 gallon. With 4 rats, that's 5 gallons of space per rat. That's a decent base to start. I would highly recommend going bigger, but aquariums can be extremely expensive, so your budget may not allow it. Also try to get an aquarium with more floor space than height, so they have a bigger area to run around on.

    You will need to have a very secure way of keeping their habitat secure so they don't get out and run all over. Clips on an aquarium lid work well. The clips can slide off when you need to open it, but can be difficult to get off. So you may have to slip something under the clip top to lift it such as a screwdriver or a heavy blade knife. Doing this however, can bend the clips out of shape and render them useless. So it would be best to work at sliding them off instead.

    Rats need something to chew and gnaw on. They have a natural instinct to chew, and their teeth grow continuously through their entire life, never stopping growing. So they need a way to grind it down. If they don't have something steady to chew on, they will start chewing on each other. They will go after the weakest link in the chain. Then you'll lose one of your babies. The best thing is an edible shelter. A good brand is SnakShak. But those can be hard to find, even at high end pet stores like Petsmart. Other good ones are Ediblogz, which can be found at just about any Walmart and run about $6 a piece. It doesn't have to be anything super fancy, but you need something that would stand up to however many rats you get for a bit of time while they chew it up. If it doesn't last at least a little while, you will be spending a lot of money replacing them.

    Rats need exercise. Just romping in their home doesn't do it. You need to get them a wheel. Or two if you prefer. These are great for letting them run to their hearts content and keep them in shape.

    The type of bedding you choose matters a lot. There are a lot of bedding's you will see at your pet store. You will see everything from wood chips, to pebbles, to sawdust, to paper. For rats, get the paper. Wood chips are dangerous for rodents. They can get splinters, or pieces of wood stuck in their teeth, which can cause a lot of problems. The pebbles would also cause health problems since you can't just clean out the pebbles and put new ones in when you clean their cage. And if they were to eat them, it would kill them. The healthiest for them, and your wallet is the paper.

    If you go with a wire cage, you need to put something soft on the bottom so they're not on wires all the time. A fleece blanket or sweatshirt is perfect. They will move it around to where they want it, and they will tear it apart, so you will need to replace it once it gets super torn up. I always keep a couple extra sweatshirts and fleece blankets on hand for my rats.

    PART 4 - RAT NUTRITION
    You need to get the right food for rats. Also you need to make sure it's age appropriate. There are many types of rodent food to choose from. But just because it's good for a mouse or a guinea pig, does not mean it's good for a rat. They have a different metabolism than other rodents, and need a food that is specifically formulated for them. I feed my rats Oxbow pellets. The pellets you buy will be enough, but I highly recommend giving them fresh fruits and vegetables with the pellets. Nothing canned or cooked. Stay away from soft fruits and vegetables such as tomatoes and grapes, or citrus fruits. They need something they can crunch and chew. Carrots, lettuce, and cabbage are good choices for vegetables. Apples, watermelon, or cantaloupe would be good choices for fruits. Make sure though, that you remove the seeds first, especially with the apples. Apple seeds contain cyanide, and while not lethal to humans in small doses, rats are more susceptible to the poison due to their size. Also they could choke on fruit seeds. You need to get them a food dish that is safe for them and that will hold enough food for them so that you don't have to refill it several times daily. Ceramic is an excellent choice. They eat a lot, so be prepared to be spending a good amount of money on food.

    DO NOT EVER FEED THEM ONIONS OR ANYTHING CONTAINING ONION. ONIONS ARE LETHAL TO RATS WITHIN MINUTES.

    Also be aware that you can over feed your rats. Over feeding can cause a lot of problems. Obesity, diabetes, and breathing problems just to name a few. So watch how much you feed them, and make sure they have a balanced diet.

    You need to get water bottles that will survive their chewing. Plastic will have to be replaced regularly, unless they can be mounted on the outside of their cage. You can buy glass chew proof bottles. They are a few dollars more expensive, but will save you a lot of money in the long run. If you go with smaller bottles you will need at least one bottle per rat. If you go with larger bottles you won't need quite as many. Take for example a cage with 4 rats. With large bottles, I would need 2. For larger numbers dividing by 2 would be a bit impractical. For example if you had 10 rats, 5 large bottles would be a bit overkill.

    You will need to wash their food dish at least once every few days. Rats don't try to aim any specific direction when they have to go, unless they're marking territory. So they will go in their food dish.

    PART 5 - CAGE MAINTENANCE
    When you clean their cage, don't just scoop the bedding out and put new bedding in. You have to get all the feces out, and wash not only the bottom, but the sides with soap and water. When rats pee, they tend to spray. This is how they mark their territory, the same as dogs. You will have it on every surface in your rats cage if you're using an aquarium. After washing it you need to make sure you get all the soap cleaned out of the cage before you replace the bedding and put the rats back in. Soap residue can make them sick if they lick it up. And scented soaps can be attractive to them. Don't use cleaners such as Windex or Pledge. Just use simple soap and water.

    If you're using an aquarium, you need to check it periodically to make sure there are no breaks in it. If it gets cracked it will need to be replaced. They can easily crack it further which will allow them to have a way out, and also hurt themselves on the broken glass at the same time.

    If you want, you can get a small heating pad to put under the cage. A small one would be enough. You don't want anything big, or extremely powerful, as if it's too hot, they can burn their feet. So I would recommend against it, but if it has a low heat setting that is VERY lukewarm, you can try it. Just remember to keep a close watch if you do.

    PART 6 - RAT HEALTH AND LONGEVITY
    Rats are very clean animals. If you watch them you will see them cleaning and grooming themselves quite a bit. But rats can also carry a lot of health problems if they're not cared for properly. They can have organ problems, bone problems, respiratory problems, or emotional problems. The symptoms range from small things such as mood changes, to self harm, to violence toward you and other rats. You just need to keep an eye on them to make sure everything is going good for them. You need to keep not only their cage clean but the area around them. Remember germs can jump.

    Rats don't have the lifespan of animals such as dogs who live on average 12-15 years. Rats typically live between 2-3 years depending on the breed. So technically they don't live long, but they love hard.

    PART 7 - MISCELLANEOUS
    Contrary to what many will tell you, rats are very high maintenance. Their home has to be cleaned regularly, their food has to be specifically for rats, their water has to be clean, their home has to be sufficiently supplied for them to maintain their mental health, they have to be kept out of stressful situations, and above all they have to be loved. If you get rats and then lose interest in them, then that is cruel to them, because they will no longer be taken care of properly. You have to give them attention and love. Just because they live in a cage or aquarium doesn't mean they don't need you.

    It will hurt when you lose them, the same as any of your other companions. But your life will be that much richer for having had them. They will always love you if you love them.







  3. Blackangel
    I'm not happy. I don't mean I'm having a bad day. I mean in life all around. I don't get it either. I have all my needs met, and several luxuries. So what's wrong with me? I have someone in my life that (hopefully) loves me. I have food in my house, clean water, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. So what's missing? I've always hated life. That much I know. For as long as I can remember, I've said "I don't know who I pissed off to deserve being here, but I'm sure as hell gonna make sure to not do it again." I've always seen life as a curse. Suicide is pointless. Knowing my luck, I would just screw that up and end up a quadriplegic or something that would only make everything worse than it already is. Is misery the gift I was given at birth? If so whoever gave it to me can have it back. And the horse they rode in on. I'm probably viewed as whining in this post, but I really don't care. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Or even IF I'm going anywhere. I'm just venting and trying to figure out why I'm so unhappy. I look around and quite frankly, I have more than a lot of people. I have no explanation. At least none that I can understand. Am I too greedy to be happy? Am I too selfish? Am I the type of person who always has to have more? I've never thought of myself as materialistic. I'll admit that I'm greedy, but I fight that as hard as I can, simply because I despise greed. It's one of my millions of flaws. And it's on the top 10 list of the ones that I can't stand about myself. So what do I want, a cookie? How about a foot in the ass? Whichever. I don't care anymore. I can't care anymore. That's an ability I lost a long time ago. Adrianne and I are fine as far as I can think of. We're not having any real problems at the moment as far as I know. Sometimes, however,  I think the relationship has run its course. Then I think in the next instant that I couldn't live without her. My brain is twisted up worse than a damn corkscrew. The emotional turmoil going on in my mind is killing me. I feel like I'm dying. Like my body and mind are shutting down and just waiting for the right time to flip that switch from on to off. So what do I do about that? Tell it all to bite me? Put on a steel toed boot and give it a kick in the teeth? Or beg it for mercy? I've always hated myself and everything about me. I'm a cutter and watching the blood run is about the only thing that gives me any relief. Typically I rub salt into the cut. The burn is relief. I've always known that I'm a masochist. I kinda had to be. But as long as I have some form of relief in the cutting, it's all good. Sometimes I get drunk. Sometimes I get high. But cutting releases a lot more.
     
    But WHY?

  4. Blackangel

    How do I forget her

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I’m having a hell of a time getting my ex out of my mind. I don’t know why, but she’s in my mind constantly. I can’t get her out. We broke up more than 20 years ago. But she is invading my mind and thoughts all the time. I ended things because I caught her cheating on me. I was in love with her. She broke my heart. But the memories are like locusts. They violate my thoughts every day. I think “What if….” all the time. I don’t know how to get rid of her. Adrianne isn’t happy about it, but says she understands. The thing is that until a few years ago, she NEVER crossed my mind. She and I were engaged. But all of a sudden, I was thinking about her all the time. I have no clue why.
     
    Help?
  5. Blackangel

    I Think She Wants Out

    By Blackangel,

    Even though she tells me otherwise, I can see in my wife's eyes that she wants out so she can find a "real man". I think the only reason she stays with me is because of my disability. She feels like she has to take care of me or something. I wish I didn't have to put her through this, and that I could give her what she wants. Sometimes I feel like I should de-transition and go back to being him. Give her what she needs. She needs a man. I don't want to lose her, so if I have to take the blow then fine. I just don't know where to go on this. I'll do whatever it takes to keep her and make her happy. Even if it means I'm miserable. She is more important. And if the only thing that could make her happy is leaving me, I wouldn't be here for long afterwards. I have always felt nothing but self loathing. But now with what I'm putting her through, it's multiplied exponentially. Sometimes, I think I should just CTB so she is free to find what she wants. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn. I would see a therapist, but there are no LGBTQ+ friendly therapists within 2 hours of me. I'm just empty. I feel numb. Soul less. Broken. Lost.
    Where do I send my mind from here before it's as broken as my heart is?
  6. Blackangel

    A Sad Realization

    By Blackangel,

    I'm watching Family Guy on Hulu right now. In the episode the guys are texting. Joe texts a video of a guy in a wheelchair going up a ramp real fast, doing a backflip, and landing it. I looked at my chair, which is a powerchair, and thought, "There's no way this could do it. This thing's too heavy. Then I realized what the situation I'm in is. I'm in a wheelchair because I can't walk. I'm 38 years old and have been in a wheelchair for 2 years now.
    I'm 38 and in a wheelchair.
    I have Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy type 1. Within 3-4 years I won't be able to walk at all in any capacity. My body is deteriorating. Not just my body, but my cognitive faculties as well.
    I didn't get in a car accident and break both my legs. This isn't temporary. I'll never get out of this chair. Some people may think that it's nice that I have something to carry me around. I would trade them this chair for the ability to walk in a heartbeat. 3 steps and I pass out. Too much exertion.
    I never saw my life coming to this end. I never in a million years would have seen myself being confined to a wheelchair by the time I was in my mid 30's.
    MMD type 1 is a terminal disease. It has taken years off my life. Obviously I don't know how many. I've discussed it with Adrianne. If it comes earlier than expected, she will come here and make a post to let everyone know.
    I hate this life that I'm forced to live. I can't take care of myself fully. I have to have help. Adrianne went on a cruise with her parents a few years ago, and she had some family of ours (friends that are now family) come over every day to check on me. I was in my 30's and had to have a babysitter. I'm a full grown adult, and had a babysitter. You have no idea how humiliating that was. I felt like an invalid. Like I was being told that I could never last if I didn't have someone here. My egg donor was back in here reminding me how worthless and useless I am. I heard that all day every day. My sperm donor was back beating me. I was defeated. I still am. I'm not a person. Even the federal government says so. I'm a nonperson. I just got the news before most people.
     
     
    I just want a little dignity. But that's not going to happen.



  7. Blackangel

    Redemption For A Racist

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I've given a bit of insight in other blog entries to my upbringing. Well being taught racism from the moment I was born was a large part of it. Specifically towards black people. You all know the words that were common. Until a couple months ago, those words came out of my mouth more casually than "Hello" comes out of yours. I'm not even close to exaggerating. I learned it for 18 years. I unsuccessfully fought it for the next 20. Then something happened.
    I collect skulls. This will be relevant in a moment. I have an ad on Craigslist looking for skulls to buy or trade for. I've gotten a few good ones that way. Well one day I got a reply to that ad. A woman, I'll call her Lauren (not her real name) was just saying that she thought it was neat that I collect, and that she has always liked skulls too. We got to talking back and forth a lot. Gossip mostly.
    She is mixed race. Her father is white and her mother is black. I don't know how she did it, but Lauren broke that racism. I can only guess that the Great Goddess sent her for that very purpose. Within a couple weeks of talking to her through text, I was over it. I even put Black Lives Matter on the back of my car, and ordered a few car window flags for the movement. Previously I would have added the word "don't" to that. Adrianne is still shocked, and so am I. Neither of us can figure out how she did it, but we're both over the moon that someone was finally able to pull my head out of my ass and end it.
    We're still great friends. We hit it off almost instantly. We text daily, and if the weather was willing to cooperate, I would be heading over to her place right now, this very moment.
     
    Lauren was a savior that brought me a chance at redemption. She ended the hate one racist felt. I just wish every racist could meet their own Lauren. I was lucky. Not all are.
     
     
     



  8. Blackangel

    An Unexpected Savior

    By Blackangel,

    Some years ago, before I met my wife, I was homeless. I spent 3 years on the street with nowhere to go. I lived in an old abandoned feed mill. My egg donor and female DNA match only lived a few blocks from me, but neither would take me in. During that time I was alone. Virtually. Where I was staying there was an old pile of sawdust and grain. It was about 6 feet high and probably about 12 feet wide. There was a colony of rats living in it. I would say close to 100 there. I knew that they would tear me up if I tried to dominate them, but I also knew they would do the same if I submitted to them too much. The patriarch of the colony defended his colony fiercely at first. I never attacked, but I didn't back down either. Eventually we grew to trust each other. After that we became friends. I named him Star, because he was black with a white star on his belly. Over time I gained the confidence of the whole colony. My home at the time was a sleeping bag and a duffle bag that had clothes in it for a pillow. I would often wake up with rats sleeping either on top of me, or even in the sleeping bag with me. There was once I woke up to a female giving birth on my sleeping bag.
    While I was living there it was hard to find food at first. Normally I would end up stealing what I could from grocery stores. Not a good idea, I know, but when you're starving you don't have many options. Then I got to thinking. When I was 16 I worked at Pizza Hut. I remembered that at the end of the night, we always threw a ton of pizza in the trash. Stuff that people who dined in didn't finish, or pizza that just never got picked up. So I started dumpster diving there. It was a gold mine. I never had to steal food again. A lot of it was water logged due to throwing cups of ice and stuff in the trash. I always passed on that. But the dry stuff I took with me. I got burnt out on pizza REAL quick, but hey I had to eat. It also gave the rats a better meal too. Granted rats are scavengers, and will even resort to cannibalism if they have to, but we had some good meals together. Water was never hard to come by. Every building has an outdoor water spigot, and a couple 2 liter bottles kept me hydrated. Granted I wouldn't have minded a soda once in a while, but that just wasn't in the cards at the time. So I found a steady supply of food and water.
    Over the years my spirits got lower and lower. I had less and less will to go on. Star was always there to keep me going, but he didn't have magical powers to make everything ok. He always followed me around like a puppy. When I would leave the mill, I would either put him on my shoulder and take him with me, or he would sit there at the door waiting for me looking so sad that I was gone. And when I got back he would go absolutely nuts. He was so sweet. But one day, I decided that I was done. I couldn't live like that anymore. I decided it was time to die. So I climbed up the stairs to the top floor which was about 5 stories up. There was an old window there that was busted out. I looked out of it and decided that a head first dive would do the trick. I started to climb up into the window when I felt this small tug on my pants leg. I turned around thinking I was caught on something. I was caught sure enough, but not how I was thinking. It was Star. He had followed me up the stairs. I tried to move him away so he didn't go with me. I started climbing up again, and again I felt that tug. He had me again. Somehow he knew what I was going to do, and he was determined to stop me. His heart was bigger than any I had ever encountered. He was the first one that loved me unconditionally. He fought me to stop me from killing myself. I couldn't believe it. A wild rat loved me that much. I sat down with him and he climbed up on my shoulder. I started crying. If he loved me that much, there was no way I could do that to him. From then on everywhere I went, he went. Not just because I wanted him with me, but because he wouldn't let me out of his sight. Even if I just stepped around the door to pee, he was right there with me.
    I'm crying right now as I'm writing this.
    If it wasn't for Star I wouldn't be here right now. To this day, no breathing creature holds as much of a place in my heart as a rat. I have 4 little guys here with me. I have an emotional need for them. It's all in thanks to Star. I wish rats lived longer or were immortal so I could have him here with me. But unfortunately he's gone. And I'm the only one that even knew he existed. Maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I'll see him again. On the other side. I just hope he's patient, because while I'm eager to see him again, I'm not eager enough to go for a permanent visit.

  9. Blackangel

    Constant Shootings

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    This country has gone completely loco. It used to be really rare for a shooting like we see now. Especially school shootings. Now they’re almost a daily occurrence. It seems that the most dangerous ages to be are from 3 to 9 years old. Children are in extreme danger anymore. If I was a parent, I would find the money to pull my kid out of school and hire a tutor. It seems that’s the only way to keep kids safe. 
     
    Why the hell is this happening? That’s what I want to know. I’m also wondering if it has somehow become a sick rite of passage or something. Do the shooters even think prior to doing this? And if they do (highly unlikely) what thoughts do they have that could possibly justify killing the innocent? The children killed have never even had the opportunity to really start their lives. I’m just at a complete loss right now. I just wonder if the flags should just be left at half mast permanently. And often, the shooter is killed by law enforcement. Was that their ultimate goal? Were they ever taught any kind of morals? Do they have a hidden history of violence in any fashion? I’m as misanthropic as it gets, but I would never harm a child. Adults is a different story. But children are COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS. No one has the right to harm a child. I was beaten literally daily until I was 18 when my sperm donor finally died. I have intervened several times when I’ve been out to block the abuse aimed at a child. 
     
    I just can’t possibly fathom why anyone would do such a thing.
  10. Blackangel

    By the Gods, I hate me

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I can’t stand this anymore. I hate myself so much. I hate myself because I’m crippled. I hate myself because I’m poor. I hate myself because I was the bottom of the bottom class. I hate myself because I’m transgender.
    I can’t stand anything about myself anymore. There is nothing redeemable about this worthless corpse. I don’t warrant any kind of self worth. So many times I feel like leaving and going back to living on the streets. Dumpster diving for food. Filling up 2 liter bottles for water. It’s what’s familiar, what feels right, and what feels natural.
    What else? I would probably end up using again. I deserve nothing better. I’m a freak. An abomination. An unwanted and unwelcome monster. There is nothing about me of value. The day I die will be the one and only day in my entire life that I ever did anything that was of value.

  11. Blackangel
    Depression or sadness? Well there's a huge difference between the two. Sadness sucks. Maybe your favorite team lost the championship. Maybe your family said your meatloaf sucked. Maybe you're just having an off day. It's ok to cry. Let it out. Don't let anyone laugh at you for crying.
    Depression is beyond. Depression is an emotional disorder. The sufferers feel those things all day every day. They have no hope for tomorrow. They have no hope for today. They don't have the ability to get out of bed and carry themselves. They don't eat. They don't sleep. They want to be alone all the time. I know these things, because I suffer from depression.
    One will pass. The other will not without help from someone. Be they friend, family, professional, or somewhere else.
    But there is one thing you are required to forget about thinking. You don't have the right to kill yourself. Just because you have the ability doesn't mean you should exercise that ability. Ian Malcomb said it best in Jurassic Park: "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."
    Your death solves nothing. It doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to the next in line. Which is several people. Your parents, siblings, children, and extended family. Your friends will inherit your pain as well. Is that really what you want to do to all of them? My grandmother committed suicide before I was born. The result was that I never got to meet her. Nor did any of my cousins.
    I understand the pain gets overwhelming at times. I really do. I've attempted suicide more times than I care to try to count, in more ways than I care to admit. And when your attempt isn't successful, you feel like a total failure at life. You think "If I can't even kill myself right, I am nothing but a complete failure at everything." It's hell. Your mind stays in that hell for a long time.
    If you're thinking that I'm just blowing smoke up your butt right now then ask yourself this one question.
    If you're truly suicidal, why are you still here? Were you going to do it yesterday but got sidetracked? Or an hour ago?
    I'll tell you why you're still here. Because you want help. Because (depending on your personal beliefs) you don't want to face possible eternal damnation for taking that away from your god's decision of when. Because you want be loved, and you want to love.
    Everyone, no matter how successful, or happy they seem, has room for improvement. That's because there's not a living soul on this planet that is perfect. Obviously there's people who think they are, but if you're that narcissistic then you have more room for improvement than anyone else.
    Granted, every person everywhere will have the thought of suicide at least once in their life. It's natural. But over 99% of people don't do it. In the grand scheme of over 7 billion people it's actually rather rare. Don't try to make it common.
    You don't have that right.
     
    As a last note to anyone thinking about doing it, think about this...
     
    THE ONES YOU LEAVE BEHIND WILL SUFFER MORE THAN YOU.






     
  12. Blackangel

    I Feel Weird

    By Blackangel,

    I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. While I care, I still can't trust. I refuse to trust anyone, online or IRL. The idea of someone caring for me scares the hell out of me. It's a total alien thought. Little green men from Mars seems more plausible. The biggest thing of all? Where do I go when it all does eventually crash down around me? Do I just use the rubble to reinforce the wall I already have up? Do I use it as ammunition against anyone who dares to get close to that wall? Do I become a hermit, move into a different room of the house and never leave again unless I have to?
    One thing is that part about trust. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I WON'T trust people. I refuse to do it. There's no reason to do it. Because every person will eventually stab you in the back to make themselves feel better. It's happened with every person I've known in my life, so at 37 years old there's no reason whatsoever to think otherwise. Even professional relationships crash and burn. My former therapist was the most recent one to prove that one.
    My hatred for people goes far. I could be sitting in my garage, drinking a soda, listening to music, and all of a sudden see a person get slammed into by a speeding driver. I would think nothing of it. I would throw a bucket of gas on a burning person, and a bucket of water on a drowning person if they were someone that had ever wronged me. But if I was to see someone else do the same, it wouldn't phase me a bit. All people are equal in that instance. I'm not specifically going after Synagogues, or blacks, or republicans, or corporate executives. You wrong me, and your days are numbered. And I know things that should only be known by people in the CIA, FBI, ATF, and higher level police. Lethal things that should never be known by the general public. I actually make my own home made cyanide. I put a couple drops of it in hollow point bullets then seal it with a couple drops of wax from a burning candle. I've been called evil by many, and if not spot on, it's not far off.
    I have my rats. I have my dogs. I have my birds. They are the only ones that I've known who love unconditionally. That's probably why I value their life above human life.
    Yet still, I care about each and every one of you here. I love you all. Platonically of course. I would never harm anyone here intentionally. I would defend you all as fiercely as I possibly could. Which is why I feel so screwed up in my head. How do I process this insanity and confusion?
     
    Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
    "Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
    But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
    And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
    That I scarce was sure I heard you"-- here I opened wide the door; --
                               Darkness there and nothing more
  13. Blackangel

    Nonhuman > Human

    By Blackangel,

    I don't value human life at all. Not even my own. It means nothing to me. I value nonhuman life. Be it a reptile, fish, amphibian, bird, or mammal. As long as it's not human. Why? Partially, because they are honest. They don't lie to you for personal gain. You can trust them to be honest. Their instinct is what guides them. With humans, it's the opposite. What guides us is greed. Everyone is always chasing the almighty dollar. Some just want to get by having what they need, and maybe a couple luxuries. Others want a solid gold toilet. Nonhuman beings, don't care about such things. They want food, water, and shelter. They want to live their lives. Lions don't kill elephants for their tusks. Gorillas don't kill tigers for their hides. How often do you see a dog get drunk and beat a cat for fun? How often do you see a cat starve a human just because they don't feel like feeding it? Humans are a virus on this planet. Yeah, there are about 5 or 6 people left that have a heart of gold. But the rest want to cut that person open to steal that gold. Do you want to see unconditional love? Look into a dogs eyes. My pitbull is a rescue. When I look into her eyes, all I see is love. When I look into a humans eyes, I see suspicion. Animosity. Bigotry. Does a falcon hate a hyena just because it's not a falcon? Does a Dalmatian hate a beagle just because it's not a Dalmatian? No. Does one human ethnicity hate another because it's not their ethnicity? Ask the Klan. Humans need classes that are taught by nonhumans. And these classes are needed now. I see no hope for the human race. Their screwed up thinking is their undoing. The population of Tartarus (Hell) is growing exponentially. The Aleutian Fields (Heaven)? Virtually empty. The human species is a disgrace due to all the crap it does. The love of a pet is unconditional. They will always love you, as long as you don't mistreat them. Humans on the other hand? They don't love you if it's not convenient for them. If I had to choose between spending the rest of my life alone with only nonhuman lives for company, or being the most popular person on earth, I would choose the solitary with animals. I love them. Some love me. Most I haven't met. But I still love them. My neighbors? I couldn't care less about them if I tried.
    And people wonder why I'm a loner.

  14. Blackangel

    My First 18

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    This one is long so You'll need some time to read it all.
     
    I grew up in a small area. The town I originally lived in has less than 300 people. Well technically I didn't live in town I lived in the country, but screw semantics. I don't know why, but I was the one the family hated. I'm not exaggerating when I say hated. They reminded me daily how much they hated me. The first thing I remember about the abuse is my uncle. When I was 2, and still in diapers, he threw me into an above ground pool and said "Swim or die" before he walked away. I don't remember how I got out of the pool, but when I did I went to my father crying. He hit me in the head with a board for, as he put it, "being a (euphemism for a vagina)". I woke up there in the yard a day or so later. He was a violent drunk that only cared about where he was getting his next drink. He would regularly beat me just for fun. I had black eyes, the occasional broken bone. I also had times when they would lock me in my room for a few days and not give me any food or water. I didn't need it since I could drink my urine and eat my excrement. I never did either, so I almost died. But it was all standard. My brother and sister however, walked on water. Everyone everywhere loved them. Even my own in-laws love my brother. They hate me, but love him. They have asked when his birthday is so they can send him a card or something, but won't even say happy birthday to me. Mine was a week ago and they didn't even acknowledge my existence. But back to the reason for this blog.
    We moved from that town to a bigger one (roughly 15k people) before I started school. My first day of kindergarten I got all my stuff in my backpack, and started to leave for the bus stop. I was already scared, but my father made it worse. Aside from his verbal assault, he literally kicked me down the front steps of the house. There were 6 stone steps. I had to go to school like that. Bloody and scratched up. Apparently my parents (and I use the term EXTREMELY loosely) had called the school and told them that I may look rough when I got there because the cat had attacked me, but I had wanted to go to school anyway. We didn't have a cat. When I got there, the kids looked at me, and almost all of them got this look of disgust and hate on their faces. I didn't know what I had done. The teacher looked at me and said it was about time I got my lazy *** to school.
    Fast forward 2 years to second grade. Mrs Rosentrater. My second grade teacher had a special hatred for me. I never understood her. She made up stories about me and not only told them to adults, but to the students as well. If I was wiggling my foot, it meant I had "problems". She made me sit in a box for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks she would try to tell me it had only been one week and very loudly call me stupid. I eventually started skipping school and vandalizing the teachers cars and school property. I retaliated like that. I was never officially caught, but they all knew it was me. I made it thru 3rd and 4th grade pretty normal. Daily beatings by sperm donor(dad) verbal assault by egg donor(mom). Nothing out of the ordinary.
    5th grade comes along. We get a new principal. Dana Mogar. She hated me more than Satan. I actually heard her one day say that she "wanted any excuse to screw him over". Her exact words. If I burped I was distracting the other students and offending them. 3 day suspension. I was in lunch one day and this black student that always bullied me something fierce was on me. I ignored him as best I could. After lunch we always walked out to the playground. He kept tackling me as I walked. I got called into the office. The students had told the teacher that I was attacking HIM. Also that I had told another black kid to "get a rag and wipe the mud off his face" and that I was calling them both the N word. I went ballistic. My egg donor was called in. She eventually asked her if she could spank me. The egg donor said go for it. I grabbed a letter opener and said "If you try I'll blanking kill you". She looked at me and asked me if I was crazy. I just said "try me b****". 2 week suspension. I looked up where she lived. I slashed her tires, burned down a shed, and killed her dogs. After that I got sadistic. I also went for as many students as I could find. If I had been caught I would have been I juvee until I turned 21. Mogar also followed me through 3 schools. At home is where it was bad though. My sperm donor beat me unconscious while my egg donor cheered him on. They had divorced a few years prior, but still agreed on how to raise me. A fist was the best way. Beat me into submission and false confessions.
    The verbal assault from my egg donor was fairly normal. The one that stuck with me the most was when I was 8. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I wish I had aborted you". The other things she said several times on a daily basis was that I "wasn't worth S-word", "No one would ever love me", "You'll never amount to S-word", and so much more. I can't tell you how many times I stood by her bed in the middle of the night holding a butcher knife, staring at her, and daring myself to do it. I eventually decided that the physical beatings were more desirable than the verbal ones, so I moved in with my sperm donor, which proved to be an almost fatal choice.
    I was 12 when I moved in with him which also meant changing school districts. The beatings were daily now and multiple times per day. This was when I started sleeping with a loaded rifle in my hands. I was a lot bigger than the other kids. After the beatings at home I was also a lot meaner. The first day they were all afraid of me. On through out 8th grade I was suspended regularly for beating the ever living hell out of any student who got under my skin, male or female. I guess this is what caused the entire school to hate me. High school wasn't any better. I stayed to myself, and did what I could for my grades. Mostly D's and a few C's. I've never been a good student. It doesn't matter what it is. Something I want to teach myself, or learn somewhere else. Sophomore year rolls around. My Freshman math teacher told me I should have been in algebra. She actually liked me for some wild reason. I got an A+ in basic math. I was beyond shocked there. So I decided to take algebra sophomore year. I understood nothing. The problems we were give were things like (x-3)y solve for y. How the hell am I supposed to know what Y is!? There's a huge gap of information there! So I failed miserably. But the bad thing is that the teacher would call my house every single night and talk to my sperm donor. Even if I had my bedroom door locked, he'd break the door down, and beat me until his fist was tired. Even if I was unconscious he would still be beating me. Finally I picked up the phone one night when she called. She asked for him. I threatened her life and that of her family if she didn't stop calling. I told her the results of her calls, and that I didn't need that poop, before slamming the phone down. The next day in class as I was walking into the room, she flagged me over to her desk. I walked up to her, and she told me she didn't like what I had said to her. I told her I didn't like her causing me to get the poop beaten out of me. She asked me what I was talking about. I opened my shirt and she saw the damage. My father rarely went for the face. It was easier to hide it in the hair or under a shirt. I told her to keep her mouth shut or I would get it even worse. At semester, I dropped her class.
    Fast forward to 16. I got a job as a cook at Pizza Hut. It was my first real job. The pay sucked, and the hours sucked. But hey it was putting a few bucks in my pocket every 2 weeks. I never told my sperm donor when I was paid or how much. He would have forced every penny out of me. He had a new reason for beating me now. I wasn't home after school to take care of his horses or calves. He expected me to do both. Since I wasn't able, the fists and boards came.
    My first real girlfriend was a girl I met at Pizza Hut. She was a waitress named Beth. Which at the time was a little creepy since my sister's name is Beth. She was virtually obsessed with oral sex. Which made my father extremely angry that I was with a girl and he wasn't. She ended up taking my virginity, which actually made things even worse. If we were in my room with the door closed, he would often break it down to see what we were doing. Whether we were having sex, playing video games, taking a nap, or just sitting and talking didn't matter. He had to know. Eventually after about 6 months we broke up. 
    Fast forward to summer after I turned 17. I made the absolute worst mistake of my life. I enlisted in the Marines. I had wanted to be a Marine since I was 5. The movie Full Metal Jacket was what made the choice for me. I would have shipped out right then, but they said I couldn't until after I turned 18. So I was in DEP for a year. My sperm donor told both me and the recruiters there was no way I was going to make it. That they were stupid for recruiting me, that I was too much of a (euphemism for vagina) to do it, etc. When I got home, he took to beating me for "disgracing the United States military". He was a Vietnam Navy vet. Which meant he was God apparently.
    He was right about me and the military. 2 weeks shy of graduation I was given an entry level separation. I failed at the only thing in my life I had ever wanted. That was when I knew that everything my egg donor had ever said to me was true. That I was truly completely and utterly worthless. I came home with my head down and a lifetime of shame to look forward to. My pride was destroyed. Any self worth I had had previously was gone, never to return. The beating I got was one of the worst. I did fight him off once though. He told me that if I ever pulled a knife on him he would kill me. I told him he wasn't ever gonna grab me again. He came at me and I cracked him in the face with a shovel. Then I DID put a knife to his throat and threatened to KILL HIM right then and there. He didn't respond.
    A day and a half later I decided to look for a job. I stopped by his room, and for a reason I still can't find, told him I loved him. He looked at me and said "I don't. You're a waste of a human being." I turned around and left. What else could I have expected. So I went looking for work, turned in some applications and a couple resumes. I came home and he wasn't anywhere to be found. Not anywhere in the house, not in his shop, no where. The truck was still there. So if he had left he had gone with someone else. I got back in my truck and left. About a mile from the house something just didn't feel right. So I turned around and went home. I looked around again, and looked over the gate to the barn lot and saw a blue shirt in front of the door. I hopped the gate and went over to it. It was just the shirt he had been wearing earlier. I was about to turn around, and suddenly there he was. In the shirt. Dead. It was surreal at first. I went into the house, sat down on the couch and told my grandmother he was dead. She didn't believe me. I told her I wouldn't joke about something like that. From there I went back to the barn lot. All I could think was that it was finally over. No more beatings. No more being labeled a (euphemism for a vagina). I was free. From there I don't remember anything. I know I was blamed for it. There was a hell of a lot of "What did you do" and "Why did you do this" from everyone. There was one person, I don't remember who, that tried to get me arrested for the murder of him. The cops didn't since it obviously wasn't homicide. According to the coroner it was a massive heart attack. I didn't care. I was just happy he was finally dead.
    The blog My Story will tell you what happened next.
    I've been to his grave a few times. The last time I was there, I emptied my .38 at his tombstone. It's hard to put into words why, but I'm sure a lot of you will instinctively know why. If I ever go back, I'm sure I'll do the same. The only reason I would go back is to visit my grandmothers grave. Which is unfortunately very close to my sperm donor's grave.
     
     
    These days I refuse to have anything to do with anyone I share the slightest bit of DNA with. None of them know how to find me. No phone number, email, home address, social media, website, nothing. And I will keep it that way forever. They didn't want me when they had the chance, they don't get me now that they have lost that chance. My only hope is that my egg donor is dead also.
  15. Blackangel

    It's Unreal.

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this. I downloaded an app tonight called FaceApp. it allows you to do pretty much anything you want with a picture. Which includes seeing what you would look like as the "opposite" gender. It measures your features, and shows a realistic pic that could be achieved. So I took a selfie (I still look like a mule's rectum) and put it in the app. I found the gender swap feature. Holy freaking hell. I would be after this girl. Unlike me, she is gorgeous. Just check this pic and you will see exactly what I'm saying. I could finally be beautiful. I wouldn't have to be repulsed by the face looking back at me in the mirror for its physical appearance anymore. Maybe if I find the right surgeon, and get my finances straight, I could become her.
    My biggest question is this: dream, or pipe dream?
     
     

  16. Blackangel

    Is this wrong of me?

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I’m laying here in bed with Adrianne. We were talking, and I asked her what I’m going to ask here.
    Is it wrong of me to wish I had never come out, and just continued to live as a man? It would be so incredibly much easier, but a lot more miserable too.
    I just don’t know what to think. So is it wrong of me to wish I had kept it to myself. That would be easier…… right?
    I guess I’m just scared to death about all the 🤬 that is happening against us. I fear for our lives just checking the mail. We have a court date this week, and I’m scared they’re going to rule against us simply because I’m trans.
    I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can be who I really am, or pretend to be someone I’m not.
     

  17. Blackangel
    Every day I get lower and lower in spirits. Life is increasingly less valuable to me. I don’t know what to do. I know suicide does nothing but pass the pain on. I don’t want to do that to her, but I’m wearing down so much that I’m starting to lose the will to go on. Star stopped me long ago, but he’s no longer here. I feel like I have absolutely nothing left to live for. Love is an illusion anymore, it seems. The more I think, the less I have to find happiness in. I’m not materialistic. I have what is a requirement to sustain life physically. Shelter, food, water, clothing. But that’s not what is missing. My own parents hated me. Adrianne’s parents hate me. My neighbors look at me in disgust and I don’t even know their names. I’ve literally never had a friend. 
     
    I look at life and it holds nothing. There is nothing. It may pass the pain on, but at least mine would end.
     

     
    That clip sums it up exactly.
     
     
     

  18. Blackangel
    I have to rave about my Lady. She is the love of my life. Non-human that is. I was online several years ago, and just looking at pets available for adoption, when I came across her picture. It was love at first sight. I immediately grabbed Adrianne and we went to the Humane Society to meet her. It was obvious that it was love at first sight for her too. Adrianne and I both knew she was coming home with us. But she had to meet the chihuahuas to make sure they would get along OK. For some reason, I was the one that went home to pick them up. Adrianne told me later, that when I left to get them, Lady was so sad to see me go. And when I got back the light in her eyes was brighter than ever. Even though she's a pitbull, she got along great with the chihuahuas, and still does to this day. Clover, our youngest chihuahua is very possessive of her. I think that's absolutely hilarious. But ever since we brought her home, she and I have been inseparable. Any time I'm having any kind of problem, she's there for me. All I have to do is hold her, and everything is right in the world. It doesn't matter what the problem is. She makes it right. And when she wants attention from me, she makes it known. She'll come up, and push her head under my hand or leg in an attempt to get me to pet her or move so she can climb up with me on my recliner. All I need is her to make everything OK again.
    I made the video below about her last year. She's my heart and soul.
     
     
  19. Blackangel
    I HATE MY VAN!!!!
     
    The worthless hunk if junk has screwed me for the last time. I was leaving the doctors office, and the sliding door, on the passenger side with the ramp, CAME OFF THE EXPLETIVE DELETED TRACK!!!!

    My anxiety and stress are through the roof now. I wish I had a mannequin or something so I would have someone to strangle.


  20. Blackangel

    Salvation

    By Blackangel,

    I hope this one turns out long. There's not enough good things I can say about her.
     
    In 2004 I lived in a tiny craphole apartment. It was in a rundown part of a dead town, in a rundown building. I was single and on disability. The landlords accepted section 8 housing so my rent was lowered from $350 to $160. I had internet which was $50 and cable TV which was another $50. All the utilities like power, water, sewer, etc were included in the rent so my total monthly bills were only $260. For a single guy living on his own, it wasn't bad. I hadn't even admitted to myself at the time that I'm a woman not a man so that's why I'm using the male pronoun. I had been single since I was 18, which was about 4 years. But during that time I was using, so I wouldn't have been any good to anyone anyway. I had only been fully clean for a few months. I logged into my email one day just looking at what I had and decided to look thru my junk mail. I had my inbox set to exclusive due to the fact that I got so much junk mail it was sickening. Why I decided to look thru my junk mail folder on this particular night I don't know. Fate perhaps. As I was looking thru it, I saw an email that seemed different. It was a womans name and the subject was simply "Hello". I was intrigued and decided to take a chance.
    I was blown away when I read it. It was a real email. A girl a few years younger than me had seen my profile on yahoo. She thought I was cute and sent me an email. I sent her a message on messenger and we talked for about an hour or so. We decided to meet that night. Crazy I know. For all we knew the other one was a serial killer. But after a quick shower I drove up to meet her. That was when my life changed forever.
    As soon as I saw her, the same thought kept going thru my head. "Damn she's cute". She was sweet and friendly. We talked about a bit of everything for a few hours. I had expected no more than the possibility of a good night kiss at most. More happened. She even ended up coming home with me that night. Again, I know, it was crazy. We started dating. Staying overnight with each other for extended periods regularly. After about 6 months of that, I felt that going back and forth like that was pointless, and asked her to move in with me. She got the biggest smile on her face, gave me a huge hug and kiss, and we were officially living together. That would have been somewhere near spring of 2005. We met in October of 04, so do the math and it would have been March or April. Somewhere in that area.
    After a while we grew to hate the apartment. It was too small for 2 people, lugging groceries up 2 flights of stairs was killing us, the neighbors were words I can't use here. We'll just say they were unpleasant. And the town, being a dead town, offered nothing to do for recreation. We had to travel almost 40 miles if we wanted to do something other than walk streets that were a drug den. The town has been listed as the worst meth town by ratio in the United States. Several kids I went to school with are in prison right now for running a kitchen. But I'm getting off topic.
    Her parents went to an estate auction and bought the property. It was a quaint little house in the country, in a really quiet area. You could really get away from everything there. Unfortunately she was taking some college courses back in town which was about a half hour drive, and I was at the house all day and night. This caused a rift between us. I had cabin fever, and she just wanted to rest after being in class all day. I didn't have my license at the time. I had waited too long to renew it. So I couldn't go anywhere. I could go to town with her when she went to school, but I'm in no way a morning person, and what could I do for entertainment? Nothing because I wasn't registered as a student, and in a dead town there's nothing to do but walk around.
    Her birthday rolled around in 2006. I was flat broke. I had asked her parents blessing to marry her some months before. They gave it. So since I was broke, I took a ring that meant something to me. It was a simple hematite band, nothing more. I told her to close her eyes. I put the ring in her hand. I got on one knee. Told her to open her eyes, and asked her to marry me. With the exception of watching my friend die,  I've never been that scared in my life. She didn't waste any time in saying yes. I had to tell her to let go because I couldn't breathe. She was crying, kissing me hugging me, and almost immediately called her mother to tell her. The next year and a half was our engagement. She wanted a long engagement to make sure we had everything taken care of and didn't miss anything. When we started planning I told her that there were only two things that I demanded. No church, no priest. I'm not Christian so I wouldn't have a Christian wedding. Other than that everything was her choice. She was fine with it. We got married on Saturday October 11th 2008 at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival. October 11th was the day we met in 2004. We wanted to keep that day. She was more beautiful than I had seen her that day. I wore a kilt, as did my brother who stood with me. He was the only one from my side that even showed up. We had more of a pagan wedding than anything, mostly due to me being a Celt. That was a gift from her that meant a lot to me.
    Today we've been married for over 10 years and together for over 14. The road hasn't always been smooth, but we've fought through. If it wasn't for her I most likely would still be living in that craphole apartment. Or worse. I wouldn't be able to be the woman I am. I would be a hermit. I would be a forgotten presence.
    Adrianne saved me. I made the following video for her.
     
     
     
  21. Blackangel

    Broken Mirrors

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I don’t know what the purpose of this post is. Maybe none. I don’t know who, what, or where I am anymore. I look in the mirror for help, but there is no one looking back at me. I don’t know how to make sense of what’s going through my head nonstop. A little further. Stop. Turn around. Stop. Full steam ahead. Stop. Where the hell do I go if none of those directions are fulfilling?
    Who am I? I wish by the Gods I could answer that. Am I the same loser I always was from my first memory until this very moment? Am I something more? Am I something less? Does it matter? Do I matter? Would anyone even understand if I tried telling them?
    What am I? Am I still a joke? A punching bag? The world’s whipping child? A whiny brat who can’t make up their own pathetic mind?
     
    Does this inane rambling matter to anyone, myself included? By the very definition of “inane”, the answer is a solid NO. So apparently there is no point. I wish I could think of a replacement that would be an improvement over me. But even with my value circling the drain, it’s hard to find someone who is masochistic enough to be willing to step into my shoes.
     
    ”All that I loved, I loved alone.”
    - Edgar Allen Poe
  22. Blackangel

    Once Upon A Time..... A Lesson Was Taught And Learned

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    Once upon a time, there was a foolish traveler who had gone on a journey. Why was he foolish? Well, because he was fooled by everyone he met! Everywhere he went, people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveler fell for every one of them. Please, some money for medicine… ? I have a sick younger sister… I don’t have money to buy seeds to plant in my fields. Pretty soon, his money, his clothes, even his shoes had been cheated away from him. However, the foolish traveler was always glad to help. For everyone of them, he'd smile and say, “I wish you happiness.” But by this point, the traveler was completely naked, and with nothing left to cover himself, he decided to leave the main road and travel through the dense forest, where no one could see him… Soon, he was discovered by the goblins that lived in the woods. The goblins wanted to eat the traveler’s body, so they begged and pleaded, and used kind words to try and trick him… Of course, the traveler was fooled. First, he let the goblins eat one of his legs, then an arm, then more and more… before it was over, all that the traveler had left was his head. He’d even given his eyes away to the last of the goblins… And as the last goblin was eating the traveler’s eyes, he turned and said “Thank you, traveler. In return, I leave you this present.” What the goblin left was a slip of paper, with the word “fool” written on it. The traveler couldn’t see it. He didn’t know what it was. Even so, tears began to flow down his face. “Thank You,” he said. “This is the first present anyone ever gave me. I’m so happy, I’m so happy, Thank You.” Even without his eyes, he cried and cried great tears of joy. Then, the traveler died, with a smile on his face. and that’s… the end of the story.   I imagine that it probably does sound really foolish to some people. But I don’t think he’s foolish at all. Even though, other people probably think he was being tricked, I don’t think he was. I think he did exactly what he wanted to do. I think, more than anything, he just wanted to make others happy. What do you think? Really? Is that foolish? When you close your eyes and think about it, is that what it is?   -Momiji Sohma
  23. Blackangel

    Education is all but illegal in America

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    Where did we go wrong? How did we devolve into such a state that simple education is threatened by bigots? History and science are all but gone from the entire curriculum. Kids today will have no clue what a chromosome is, or what the civil war was. This is one of the most sickening times in recent American memory. There was even a man who wanted to eliminate math for being “woke”, whatever that is. When I was a kid, they didn’t hold back. They told us what American history was like. And they didn’t use any tact. Now the mere mention of slavery and the civil war is cause for immediate firing and huge fines. It seems that we’re the only ones that are ruled by cowards that are so fragile that they will completely collapse over anything that could possibly make them uncomfortable. I don’t see this kind of fascist 🤬 happening anywhere else. At least not in the civilized world. I want to puke up stuff I ate when I was 6. This 🤬 enrages me so 🤬 bad that I want to throw out the most vicious vulgarities imaginable. At some point I’m sure I would even end up creating a few new ones.
    They want us to be both ignorant and stupid. This is what the “greatest country on earth” is doing to its citizens. This is the freedom we brag so heavily about.
    I’m ready to move to a shack in Saudi Arabia or North Korea where at least I know that I hold no value. Not somewhere that tries to cover it up with lies and full on deception.
  24. Blackangel
    You might think I'm exaggerating. You might think I'm fantasizing. But this isn't a fantasy. Nor is it an exaggeration. This is Hell on earth.
    When I was in my junior year, I started noticing people in the town I went to school in acting strange when they saw me. I at first thought they realized that I would just as soon stomp them than look at them. I thought they would finally back off and leave me the * alone. I was more than off.
    Apparently, someone in school had gotten the bright idea to start spreading rumors that I had an assault rifle and said I was going to open fire at graduation and set up bombs at prom.
    Excuse me? What?
    Ok lets get one thing straight. I'm not a lunatic. I can act like I am in jest, but I'm not. Give me a little credit here. If I had inclinations to do something like that, how stupid would I have to be to announce it first? I may not be the president of Mensa, but my IQ is still bigger than my shoe size. Second, I had no idea how to even build a simple pipe bomb. My experience with explosives was Black Cats. Third, where the hell am I getting this assault rifle they want so badly for me to use?
    The bullying had been nuclear since I moved into the district, but I was the one getting suspended for it. Which caused the beatings at home to become worse, which in turn caused me to be even meaner at school. But that's irrelevant to this.
    The night of prom, I thought it was still 2 weeks away. I was at a place that I volunteered at. I'm standing there behind the register, and I see someone coming down the stairs into the store. I go to say hello, and it turns out to be a cop. Now this store is not the type of place you will find a cop. It's a hippie type place that isn't really favored by the local law force. So I'm taken aback a bit by seeing him. He comes up to me and asks if I'm Jared. I was like "Uhh....yeah." He then proceeds to ask me what my plans are that night. I told him I was picking up my girlfriend and a couple friends and we were going to go out to a local dance hall called Good Time. After that we were all going home and going to bed as it would be 1:00 in the morning. He asked if I had any other plans. I asked him if he had * in his ears, and that I had just told him my plans. Then I asked him why the hell he cared. That was when I found out about the bomb threat. I know in a small town things can get boring, but is this really what it has to resort to for entertainment? He then said he peeked in my truck and saw some bullets in the console. I was like "your point?". He asked if he could search my truck. I asked for his warrant. He didn't have one. I told him bring a warrant and he could search it all day. He asked me why I said no. I told him it was because I was through letting the cops harass me ever second of the day. I literally couldn't go anywhere at the time without one of them tailing me. And Gods forbid I get within 20 miles of anywhere that sold guns or ammo. I eventually started taking wild courses through neighborhoods, and off roads to lose them so I could get a few moments peace. If they had been up my butt any further, they would have been sticking out my nose.
    The reason there were bullets in my truck was because it was close to deer season and I had been at the range with my rifle.
    I had no idea where prom was even being held, but was warned that if I was seen near there I would be detained. FOR WHAT? DRIVING? If I fart are you going to arrest me for chemical warfare? I laughed in his face and told him he couldn't arrest me for being in the vicinity. Being in the vicinity of Auschwitz does not mean I'm Adolf Hitler.
    By that point I was beyond livid. I called someone up to relieve me, and I went in the back to try to settle down. One guy bought me a bottle of tea, and talked me down. I'm not going to lie, I wanted so bad to deck that cop. After I was able to talk without screaming I explained what was going on. He was white as a sheet when I finished. He offered to go on record on my behalf, but I told him it wouldn't do any good. In a small minded town, anyone different, with different beliefs, is a target. And it doesn't matter how many people go to bat for them. They're all going to strike out whether they hit the ball or not.
    From what I heard, parents from kids in every grade were calling the school wanting to know if it was safe to send their kids in. My supposed "aunt" was the secretary in the office, but she didn't help the situation. When they asked if she knew me, she admitted that she had known me my whole life and that she was my aunt. But she also volunteered that I was a weird and disturbed child.
    Thanks.
    That was halfway into the year. That was also when I dropped out. I heard that at what would have been my graduation there were undercover cops there. Obviously nothing happened, or I wouldn't be typing this. I honestly did consider making a speech about bullying there, and then putting a bullet in my own head after letting them know that they drove me to it. Once again, obviously that didn't happen either.
    Here's the kicker that makes me sick to this day. After I dropped out, I vowed to never go back to that town for any reason, and I have kept that vow. But when nothing happened at graduation, a new rumor formed. 
    I never specified what graduation I was going to shoot up or which prom I was going to bomb.
    So for the last 20 years there have been undercover cops at every school function. Specifically graduation and prom. And they move prom every year so I have a harder time finding it.
     
    I would love to let loose with a lot of words that aren't allowed, because I feel like it would help me blow off some steam. But I would rather be allowed here in somewhat decent standing, as opposed to five minutes of posting a hundred vulgarities and being banned.
     
    This is part of why it was easy to be clinically diagnosed a sociopath. Because after treatment of this caliber, human life has grown to mean absolutely nothing to me. I won't go into detail about what actions I would take in certain situations, but rest assured, the diagnosis is spot on. I'm more misanthropic than anyone can know. I've gone numb anymore. I'm willing to offer my thoughts, and I mean what I say or I wouldn't say it. But those words are invalidated when applied to myself. I've become a cutter, just to feel something. Anything. I love seeing the blood well up and start running down. I have all kinds of scars on my arm. Sometimes I even rub salt in the wound.
    When you've got nothing, and never had a chance, you take what you can get. And all too often, it's still nothing.
     
    You can only fall so far, before there's nowhere left to go.
    Times up.
     
     

  25. Blackangel
    I speak my mind. I always have. That has upset a lot of people too. I don't sugarcoat or beat around the bush. I hate it when people do that. I don't want people to do that with me, so why would I do it with them. I don't care if it's going to hurt my feelings. The only way I can grow and improve is with the unaltered truth. If I try to sing a song, and sound like I'm going through a garbage disposal ass first, then for the love of the Gods, tell me. But if you want me to sugarcoat something, it's not gonna happen. I don't care if I hurt your feelings. If you ask me if those jeans make you look fat, and they do, then I'll tell you that Yes, they make you look fat. If you don't want the unapologetic truth, then I'm probably the wrong one to come to. It doesn't matter who it is. I'll tell the queen what I think of her without tact. The good, the bad, and the ugly. If that gets me in the tower, then so be it. But being that I'm American, it would most likely get me deported and banned from the country. But hey, as long as I got to see a few sites, and visit my homeland (heritage wise), I would be fine with that. There's plenty of other places in the world to visit, and millions of other things to see.
    So what do you do when you want someone to "let you down easy" as they say? You ask your mother. If your mother is no longer in the picture, you ask a wall. What do you do when you want someone to give it to you straight, no matter how that will affect you and the relationship between you? You can come to me if you're brave enough. Like I said, there will be no tact. I know here at this forum, I have to watch my language. And I respect that. The third Satanic rule of the earth says
    When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.
    Being that I do not own this website and forum, that constitutes me being in someone else's lair. Hence, their rules. If I don't like their rules then I can go elsewhere. They're not going to change anything for me, or make any special exemptions for me. Why the in the name of the Gods would they? I'm not anyone special.
    The thing people don't like about me is, as already stated, that I don't care if I hurt your feelings. If you ask me a question, you get an honest answer. If you ask me an asinine question, then you will get an asinine answer.
    A woman got in my face at Walmart one day. It was apparent that she was anti-trans. She finally asked me why I would wear women's clothing. I was done with her at that point. I looked at her and very loudly said "Because my F-ing klan hood is dirty!"
    I don't have a klan hood as I'm not an inbred racist. But she wanted to act like an idiot, so I treated her like one. There were other events in that whole situation, but nothing that I think I can get into here, as I'm a violent person. If anyone is curious PM me, and I'll send you my Reddit post.
    So do I care, that I may insult you with honesty? Not one damn bit. You asked for honesty, you get honesty.
    If you don't want honesty, DON'T INVOLVE ME.
     

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