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Blackangel

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  1. Blackangel

    I Feel Weird

    By Blackangel,

    I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. While I care, I still can't trust. I refuse to trust anyone, online or IRL. The idea of someone caring for me scares the hell out of me. It's a total alien thought. Little green men from Mars seems more plausible. The biggest thing of all? Where do I go when it all does eventually crash down around me? Do I just use the rubble to reinforce the wall I already have up? Do I use it as ammunition against anyone who dares to get close to that wall? Do I become a hermit, move into a different room of the house and never leave again unless I have to?
    One thing is that part about trust. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I WON'T trust people. I refuse to do it. There's no reason to do it. Because every person will eventually stab you in the back to make themselves feel better. It's happened with every person I've known in my life, so at 37 years old there's no reason whatsoever to think otherwise. Even professional relationships crash and burn. My former therapist was the most recent one to prove that one.
    My hatred for people goes far. I could be sitting in my garage, drinking a soda, listening to music, and all of a sudden see a person get slammed into by a speeding driver. I would think nothing of it. I would throw a bucket of gas on a burning person, and a bucket of water on a drowning person if they were someone that had ever wronged me. But if I was to see someone else do the same, it wouldn't phase me a bit. All people are equal in that instance. I'm not specifically going after Synagogues, or blacks, or republicans, or corporate executives. You wrong me, and your days are numbered. And I know things that should only be known by people in the CIA, FBI, ATF, and higher level police. Lethal things that should never be known by the general public. I actually make my own home made cyanide. I put a couple drops of it in hollow point bullets then seal it with a couple drops of wax from a burning candle. I've been called evil by many, and if not spot on, it's not far off.
    I have my rats. I have my dogs. I have my birds. They are the only ones that I've known who love unconditionally. That's probably why I value their life above human life.
    Yet still, I care about each and every one of you here. I love you all. Platonically of course. I would never harm anyone here intentionally. I would defend you all as fiercely as I possibly could. Which is why I feel so screwed up in my head. How do I process this insanity and confusion?
     
    Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
    "Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
    But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
    And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
    That I scarce was sure I heard you"-- here I opened wide the door; --
                               Darkness there and nothing more
  2. Blackangel

    I Think She Wants Out

    By Blackangel,

    Even though she tells me otherwise, I can see in my wife's eyes that she wants out so she can find a "real man". I think the only reason she stays with me is because of my disability. She feels like she has to take care of me or something. I wish I didn't have to put her through this, and that I could give her what she wants. Sometimes I feel like I should de-transition and go back to being him. Give her what she needs. She needs a man. I don't want to lose her, so if I have to take the blow then fine. I just don't know where to go on this. I'll do whatever it takes to keep her and make her happy. Even if it means I'm miserable. She is more important. And if the only thing that could make her happy is leaving me, I wouldn't be here for long afterwards. I have always felt nothing but self loathing. But now with what I'm putting her through, it's multiplied exponentially. Sometimes, I think I should just CTB so she is free to find what she wants. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn. I would see a therapist, but there are no LGBTQ+ friendly therapists within 2 hours of me. I'm just empty. I feel numb. Soul less. Broken. Lost.
    Where do I send my mind from here before it's as broken as my heart is?
  3. Blackangel

    Nonhuman > Human

    By Blackangel,

    I don't value human life at all. Not even my own. It means nothing to me. I value nonhuman life. Be it a reptile, fish, amphibian, bird, or mammal. As long as it's not human. Why? Partially, because they are honest. They don't lie to you for personal gain. You can trust them to be honest. Their instinct is what guides them. With humans, it's the opposite. What guides us is greed. Everyone is always chasing the almighty dollar. Some just want to get by having what they need, and maybe a couple luxuries. Others want a solid gold toilet. Nonhuman beings, don't care about such things. They want food, water, and shelter. They want to live their lives. Lions don't kill elephants for their tusks. Gorillas don't kill tigers for their hides. How often do you see a dog get drunk and beat a cat for fun? How often do you see a cat starve a human just because they don't feel like feeding it? Humans are a virus on this planet. Yeah, there are about 5 or 6 people left that have a heart of gold. But the rest want to cut that person open to steal that gold. Do you want to see unconditional love? Look into a dogs eyes. My pitbull is a rescue. When I look into her eyes, all I see is love. When I look into a humans eyes, I see suspicion. Animosity. Bigotry. Does a falcon hate a hyena just because it's not a falcon? Does a Dalmatian hate a beagle just because it's not a Dalmatian? No. Does one human ethnicity hate another because it's not their ethnicity? Ask the Klan. Humans need classes that are taught by nonhumans. And these classes are needed now. I see no hope for the human race. Their screwed up thinking is their undoing. The population of Tartarus (Hell) is growing exponentially. The Aleutian Fields (Heaven)? Virtually empty. The human species is a disgrace due to all the crap it does. The love of a pet is unconditional. They will always love you, as long as you don't mistreat them. Humans on the other hand? They don't love you if it's not convenient for them. If I had to choose between spending the rest of my life alone with only nonhuman lives for company, or being the most popular person on earth, I would choose the solitary with animals. I love them. Some love me. Most I haven't met. But I still love them. My neighbors? I couldn't care less about them if I tried.
    And people wonder why I'm a loner.

  4. Blackangel
    I'm not happy. I don't mean I'm having a bad day. I mean in life all around. I don't get it either. I have all my needs met, and several luxuries. So what's wrong with me? I have someone in my life that (hopefully) loves me. I have food in my house, clean water, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. So what's missing? I've always hated life. That much I know. For as long as I can remember, I've said "I don't know who I pissed off to deserve being here, but I'm sure as hell gonna make sure to not do it again." I've always seen life as a curse. Suicide is pointless. Knowing my luck, I would just screw that up and end up a quadriplegic or something that would only make everything worse than it already is. Is misery the gift I was given at birth? If so whoever gave it to me can have it back. And the horse they rode in on. I'm probably viewed as whining in this post, but I really don't care. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Or even IF I'm going anywhere. I'm just venting and trying to figure out why I'm so unhappy. I look around and quite frankly, I have more than a lot of people. I have no explanation. At least none that I can understand. Am I too greedy to be happy? Am I too selfish? Am I the type of person who always has to have more? I've never thought of myself as materialistic. I'll admit that I'm greedy, but I fight that as hard as I can, simply because I despise greed. It's one of my millions of flaws. And it's on the top 10 list of the ones that I can't stand about myself. So what do I want, a cookie? How about a foot in the ass? Whichever. I don't care anymore. I can't care anymore. That's an ability I lost a long time ago. Adrianne and I are fine as far as I can think of. We're not having any real problems at the moment as far as I know. Sometimes, however,  I think the relationship has run its course. Then I think in the next instant that I couldn't live without her. My brain is twisted up worse than a damn corkscrew. The emotional turmoil going on in my mind is killing me. I feel like I'm dying. Like my body and mind are shutting down and just waiting for the right time to flip that switch from on to off. So what do I do about that? Tell it all to bite me? Put on a steel toed boot and give it a kick in the teeth? Or beg it for mercy? I've always hated myself and everything about me. I'm a cutter and watching the blood run is about the only thing that gives me any relief. Typically I rub salt into the cut. The burn is relief. I've always known that I'm a masochist. I kinda had to be. But as long as I have some form of relief in the cutting, it's all good. Sometimes I get drunk. Sometimes I get high. But cutting releases a lot more.
     
    But WHY?

  5. Blackangel
    Depression or sadness? Well there's a huge difference between the two. Sadness sucks. Maybe your favorite team lost the championship. Maybe your family said your meatloaf sucked. Maybe you're just having an off day. It's ok to cry. Let it out. Don't let anyone laugh at you for crying.
    Depression is beyond. Depression is an emotional disorder. The sufferers feel those things all day every day. They have no hope for tomorrow. They have no hope for today. They don't have the ability to get out of bed and carry themselves. They don't eat. They don't sleep. They want to be alone all the time. I know these things, because I suffer from depression.
    One will pass. The other will not without help from someone. Be they friend, family, professional, or somewhere else.
    But there is one thing you are required to forget about thinking. You don't have the right to kill yourself. Just because you have the ability doesn't mean you should exercise that ability. Ian Malcomb said it best in Jurassic Park: "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."
    Your death solves nothing. It doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to the next in line. Which is several people. Your parents, siblings, children, and extended family. Your friends will inherit your pain as well. Is that really what you want to do to all of them? My grandmother committed suicide before I was born. The result was that I never got to meet her. Nor did any of my cousins.
    I understand the pain gets overwhelming at times. I really do. I've attempted suicide more times than I care to try to count, in more ways than I care to admit. And when your attempt isn't successful, you feel like a total failure at life. You think "If I can't even kill myself right, I am nothing but a complete failure at everything." It's hell. Your mind stays in that hell for a long time.
    If you're thinking that I'm just blowing smoke up your butt right now then ask yourself this one question.
    If you're truly suicidal, why are you still here? Were you going to do it yesterday but got sidetracked? Or an hour ago?
    I'll tell you why you're still here. Because you want help. Because (depending on your personal beliefs) you don't want to face possible eternal damnation for taking that away from your god's decision of when. Because you want be loved, and you want to love.
    Everyone, no matter how successful, or happy they seem, has room for improvement. That's because there's not a living soul on this planet that is perfect. Obviously there's people who think they are, but if you're that narcissistic then you have more room for improvement than anyone else.
    Granted, every person everywhere will have the thought of suicide at least once in their life. It's natural. But over 99% of people don't do it. In the grand scheme of over 7 billion people it's actually rather rare. Don't try to make it common.
    You don't have that right.
     
    As a last note to anyone thinking about doing it, think about this...
     
    THE ONES YOU LEAVE BEHIND WILL SUFFER MORE THAN YOU.






     
  6. Blackangel

    An Unexpected Savior

    By Blackangel,

    Some years ago, before I met my wife, I was homeless. I spent 3 years on the street with nowhere to go. I lived in an old abandoned feed mill. My egg donor and female DNA match only lived a few blocks from me, but neither would take me in. During that time I was alone. Virtually. Where I was staying there was an old pile of sawdust and grain. It was about 6 feet high and probably about 12 feet wide. There was a colony of rats living in it. I would say close to 100 there. I knew that they would tear me up if I tried to dominate them, but I also knew they would do the same if I submitted to them too much. The patriarch of the colony defended his colony fiercely at first. I never attacked, but I didn't back down either. Eventually we grew to trust each other. After that we became friends. I named him Star, because he was black with a white star on his belly. Over time I gained the confidence of the whole colony. My home at the time was a sleeping bag and a duffle bag that had clothes in it for a pillow. I would often wake up with rats sleeping either on top of me, or even in the sleeping bag with me. There was once I woke up to a female giving birth on my sleeping bag.
    While I was living there it was hard to find food at first. Normally I would end up stealing what I could from grocery stores. Not a good idea, I know, but when you're starving you don't have many options. Then I got to thinking. When I was 16 I worked at Pizza Hut. I remembered that at the end of the night, we always threw a ton of pizza in the trash. Stuff that people who dined in didn't finish, or pizza that just never got picked up. So I started dumpster diving there. It was a gold mine. I never had to steal food again. A lot of it was water logged due to throwing cups of ice and stuff in the trash. I always passed on that. But the dry stuff I took with me. I got burnt out on pizza REAL quick, but hey I had to eat. It also gave the rats a better meal too. Granted rats are scavengers, and will even resort to cannibalism if they have to, but we had some good meals together. Water was never hard to come by. Every building has an outdoor water spigot, and a couple 2 liter bottles kept me hydrated. Granted I wouldn't have minded a soda once in a while, but that just wasn't in the cards at the time. So I found a steady supply of food and water.
    Over the years my spirits got lower and lower. I had less and less will to go on. Star was always there to keep me going, but he didn't have magical powers to make everything ok. He always followed me around like a puppy. When I would leave the mill, I would either put him on my shoulder and take him with me, or he would sit there at the door waiting for me looking so sad that I was gone. And when I got back he would go absolutely nuts. He was so sweet. But one day, I decided that I was done. I couldn't live like that anymore. I decided it was time to die. So I climbed up the stairs to the top floor which was about 5 stories up. There was an old window there that was busted out. I looked out of it and decided that a head first dive would do the trick. I started to climb up into the window when I felt this small tug on my pants leg. I turned around thinking I was caught on something. I was caught sure enough, but not how I was thinking. It was Star. He had followed me up the stairs. I tried to move him away so he didn't go with me. I started climbing up again, and again I felt that tug. He had me again. Somehow he knew what I was going to do, and he was determined to stop me. His heart was bigger than any I had ever encountered. He was the first one that loved me unconditionally. He fought me to stop me from killing myself. I couldn't believe it. A wild rat loved me that much. I sat down with him and he climbed up on my shoulder. I started crying. If he loved me that much, there was no way I could do that to him. From then on everywhere I went, he went. Not just because I wanted him with me, but because he wouldn't let me out of his sight. Even if I just stepped around the door to pee, he was right there with me.
    I'm crying right now as I'm writing this.
    If it wasn't for Star I wouldn't be here right now. To this day, no breathing creature holds as much of a place in my heart as a rat. I have 4 little guys here with me. I have an emotional need for them. It's all in thanks to Star. I wish rats lived longer or were immortal so I could have him here with me. But unfortunately he's gone. And I'm the only one that even knew he existed. Maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I'll see him again. On the other side. I just hope he's patient, because while I'm eager to see him again, I'm not eager enough to go for a permanent visit.

  7. Blackangel

    Salvation

    By Blackangel,

    I hope this one turns out long. There's not enough good things I can say about her.
     
    In 2004 I lived in a tiny craphole apartment. It was in a rundown part of a dead town, in a rundown building. I was single and on disability. The landlords accepted section 8 housing so my rent was lowered from $350 to $160. I had internet which was $50 and cable TV which was another $50. All the utilities like power, water, sewer, etc were included in the rent so my total monthly bills were only $260. For a single guy living on his own, it wasn't bad. I hadn't even admitted to myself at the time that I'm a woman not a man so that's why I'm using the male pronoun. I had been single since I was 18, which was about 4 years. But during that time I was using, so I wouldn't have been any good to anyone anyway. I had only been fully clean for a few months. I logged into my email one day just looking at what I had and decided to look thru my junk mail. I had my inbox set to exclusive due to the fact that I got so much junk mail it was sickening. Why I decided to look thru my junk mail folder on this particular night I don't know. Fate perhaps. As I was looking thru it, I saw an email that seemed different. It was a womans name and the subject was simply "Hello". I was intrigued and decided to take a chance.
    I was blown away when I read it. It was a real email. A girl a few years younger than me had seen my profile on yahoo. She thought I was cute and sent me an email. I sent her a message on messenger and we talked for about an hour or so. We decided to meet that night. Crazy I know. For all we knew the other one was a serial killer. But after a quick shower I drove up to meet her. That was when my life changed forever.
    As soon as I saw her, the same thought kept going thru my head. "Damn she's cute". She was sweet and friendly. We talked about a bit of everything for a few hours. I had expected no more than the possibility of a good night kiss at most. More happened. She even ended up coming home with me that night. Again, I know, it was crazy. We started dating. Staying overnight with each other for extended periods regularly. After about 6 months of that, I felt that going back and forth like that was pointless, and asked her to move in with me. She got the biggest smile on her face, gave me a huge hug and kiss, and we were officially living together. That would have been somewhere near spring of 2005. We met in October of 04, so do the math and it would have been March or April. Somewhere in that area.
    After a while we grew to hate the apartment. It was too small for 2 people, lugging groceries up 2 flights of stairs was killing us, the neighbors were words I can't use here. We'll just say they were unpleasant. And the town, being a dead town, offered nothing to do for recreation. We had to travel almost 40 miles if we wanted to do something other than walk streets that were a drug den. The town has been listed as the worst meth town by ratio in the United States. Several kids I went to school with are in prison right now for running a kitchen. But I'm getting off topic.
    Her parents went to an estate auction and bought the property. It was a quaint little house in the country, in a really quiet area. You could really get away from everything there. Unfortunately she was taking some college courses back in town which was about a half hour drive, and I was at the house all day and night. This caused a rift between us. I had cabin fever, and she just wanted to rest after being in class all day. I didn't have my license at the time. I had waited too long to renew it. So I couldn't go anywhere. I could go to town with her when she went to school, but I'm in no way a morning person, and what could I do for entertainment? Nothing because I wasn't registered as a student, and in a dead town there's nothing to do but walk around.
    Her birthday rolled around in 2006. I was flat broke. I had asked her parents blessing to marry her some months before. They gave it. So since I was broke, I took a ring that meant something to me. It was a simple hematite band, nothing more. I told her to close her eyes. I put the ring in her hand. I got on one knee. Told her to open her eyes, and asked her to marry me. With the exception of watching my friend die,  I've never been that scared in my life. She didn't waste any time in saying yes. I had to tell her to let go because I couldn't breathe. She was crying, kissing me hugging me, and almost immediately called her mother to tell her. The next year and a half was our engagement. She wanted a long engagement to make sure we had everything taken care of and didn't miss anything. When we started planning I told her that there were only two things that I demanded. No church, no priest. I'm not Christian so I wouldn't have a Christian wedding. Other than that everything was her choice. She was fine with it. We got married on Saturday October 11th 2008 at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival. October 11th was the day we met in 2004. We wanted to keep that day. She was more beautiful than I had seen her that day. I wore a kilt, as did my brother who stood with me. He was the only one from my side that even showed up. We had more of a pagan wedding than anything, mostly due to me being a Celt. That was a gift from her that meant a lot to me.
    Today we've been married for over 10 years and together for over 14. The road hasn't always been smooth, but we've fought through. If it wasn't for her I most likely would still be living in that craphole apartment. Or worse. I wouldn't be able to be the woman I am. I would be a hermit. I would be a forgotten presence.
    Adrianne saved me. I made the following video for her.
     
     
     
  8. Blackangel

    I wish I was Cis

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I’m so envious of cis people that it’s about to make me cry. They were born correctly, whereas we weren’t. We are the ones lucky enough to have had things go horribly wrong in utero. Cis people obviously have it easier, but more importantly they identify with their gender. They have the correct anatomy. As I said in a post recently, I want the uterus, cervix, ovaries, etc. The woman who has that is making me green with envy. I hate being halfway to who I should have been. By that I mean my mind and brain are entirely female, but my body is male. There are psychologists that believe a possible reason that could explain gender dysphoria is that, in utero the brain literally develops as one sex, but the body develops as the other. It’s an interesting theory in my opinion. But it doesn’t help anything. I still have the wrong 🤬 body. I wish science was advanced to the point that there was a device that could permanently switch two people’s consciousness’s. So that I and a thansman could trade bodies so that we were finally correct. But that will unfortunately never be a reality. I mourn myself. Jennifer never existed in the beginning. There was only an extremely confused, angry, and all around miserable Jared. He is finally dead, and Jennifer is here but still no more happy than before. Yet, cis people are closer to being happy that I ever will be. They can go out the door and are what their body is. They don’t have to try so hard to be seen as who they are. I can’t go out in basketball shorts and a tank top but be seen as female. I have to wear specifically women’s clothes to have a chance of being seen as who I am. And a lot of the time it still doesn’t make a difference. I’m still misgendered. Often the people who are misgendering me are doing it intentionally. Simply because they’re bigots who want to be an 🤬 to try to show some fake superiority. I’d rather be a crippled platypus than a crippled transwoman. This and all the physical diseases I have keep pushing my depression into overtime and I try to kill myself. I tried just a few days ago but, unfortunately, I wasn’t successful and am still here. If I was successful, Adrianne would be released to find a real man who is worthy of her, instead of being stuck with a half and half freak.
     
    I truly hate life. Everything about myself, I despise. I’m like Poe in that respect. Born in misery, lived in misery, died in misery. All that’s left is to finally die.
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