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ScottishDeeDee

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  1. ScottishDeeDee

    Fathers Day

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    Tomorrow will be fathers day. Given the mess of my marriage it is safe to say that my experiences of fathers day have been sporadic at best, the odd wee card or slice of toast brought to the bedroom. Always an after thought or last minute purchase. Once or twice a decent bottle of whisky, but overall meh - usually we had to go and share with my exes dad, until he fell out of favour. This year we swapped the weekends around so that the kids could be  with me for Fathers day - it meant my ex could go off to a music festival so it wasn't completely altruistic on her part, but I think I got the better deal.  She left a £10 in an envelope with a card my daughter made at her after school club with a note saying time had run out and she hadn't had time for her to buy anything. My son never got a mention and she had them the last 2 weekends. For comparison on Mothers day I made sure the kids had bought a card and some butter fudge which is one of her favourite sweets and then bought and cooked a 2 course meal at her house with the kids for her.
     
    It is not about the stuff (genuinely couldn't care less) but every so often I am reminded of just how far down the priority list I am unless she needs something and it still stings..
    So I bought a Terrys Chocolate Orange and some nice ingredients and we are going to have a big Roast Dinner tomorrow complete with GF yorkies and gravy, and then we are going to go for a family walk along one of the local beaches with the dog that I seem to get almost every time my daughter comes because my ex struggles to ditch all 3 dogs when she goes off on her weekends.
     
    I have been struggling with what to think about Fathers Day.  It seems a bit daft celebrating it when I am effectively waiting for my October appointment (which got pushed back a week to the 2nd week in October by sms this week- yay! 💩) you know, considering I do not now and nor have I ever felt like a good father. I have been told I am by a load of people but it has always rang empty, not humility, just - not true.  Why do we separate them out and not just have a happy parent day? Every time one or the other comes around there are single parents (a couple of my sisters included) and grandparents raising children that stand up and say "I do this job too" so why do we have to make it such hallmark, card giving gender thing?
     
    I don't know if I'm peed off at the day itself or because I will feel like a fraud when my daughter gives me the card she made for her dad.  
  2. ScottishDeeDee
    On Friday, as soon as my son leaves for school I can pack my car, make the 2.5 hr drive to my sisters, and then the next 2-3 hr drive down to my nieces.
    If I can then I intend to be Dee when I get in the car, or if not then pretty much from the moment we arrive at my nieces I will unpack and change.
     
    This was suggested ages ago when my niece first found out I was questioning my gender. She did not really understand it, but she very much wanted to show her support. We have always had a good relationship, so it was a nice gesture.  So I checked to see if she was genuinely serious and then agreed as it was a local Pride event and there would be plenty of events on guaranteeing a bit more anonymity and less pressure if I do not pass.
    At the time I figured I had months to get used to the idea of going outside as Dee, and that I would be more confident and then life happened lol.  I have been outside once, in the woods, when they were deserted.
    I ordered a wig off Amazon that has the trans flag colours starting at light blue and going down to pink, along with a couple of flag pin badges. I've bought a beautiful leather bracelet watch that I can wear instead of my cheapy sports watch and my utility handbag.
     
    This afternoon I literally went through my entire femme wardrobe, which is tiny and apart from a few items consists entirely of the hand me downs from my sister. I literally pulled everything out and tried it on - my goal to lose weight obviously did not go to plan and so I wanted to see what I could and couldn't wear. Oh to not have a tummy! Some of the tees looked incredibly frumpy and were instantly discarded, a pair of slightly flared white jeans looked really good but were too tight to be practical and so I whittled it down to a red skirt and white top, or my dark jeans and butterfly tee or my dark jeans and black and blue asymmetrical top. Simply for a casual Friday night and for wandering around stalls in the village area on the Saturday.
    I only have 2 dresses to choose between for Sat night though, a gorgeous little black velvet flared dress which may be a bit OTT for going pubbing and clubbing or a simpler but slightly more modest blue and black fit and flare dress which does not look as good in person as it looked online. If I decide against them we may have to go shopping for something cheap and cheerful to wear to go dancing in. 
     
    I have a nice set of black heels that are modest, a pair of black boots and a pair of comfy trainers that will both go with the jeans and a light (bright pink) rain jacket I picked up in a charity shop in a last minute panic.
    Apart from the fun wig I have my two favourite blonde wigs, a set of nails and eye lashes and all the makeup I own in a little case. Oh and I have an old PAYG phone that I have charged and checked so I can still take selfies and not worry that FB will be popping them up on my timeline for everyone I know to see.
     
    Oh and because I have done two 5k's the last couple of weekends I have taken leggings and a ladies running top just in case I end up doing that with my sister on Saturday morning, because even if I do it will be as Dee.
     
    I am taking far too much, I know this, but I cannot decide what I want to wear and it will also depend on what my niece intends to wear.
    On the Saturday day she is wearing a rainbow wig, black leggings and a bright pink tutu - just because she can. She is on the larger side, and has some self confidence issues so our intention is to support each other and have a blast doing it.
     
    I cannot see my bed at the moment because I now have to start the process of fitting it all into the suitcase so it is packed away and ready to go in the car.
     
    I am a bundle of nerves but absolutely buzzing with nervous energy. 😳😳
     
    I have deliberately let my chest hair grow back thick enough that I can use a depilatory cream on it tonight and so once I de-fuzz tomorrow I am good to go!
     
    I have literally packed a case to go away every week for the last three weeks, but they were all full of man clothes and so much easier to to pack light for.
     
    Anyone got any useful last minute advice?
  3. ScottishDeeDee

    Don't judge!

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Mood
    Honestly, I spend most of my life telling other people not to judge others; both professionally and personally, and yet I was caught out doing it this weekend.
    I have 4 sisters, 2 older and 2 younger, the older sisters I see regularly and have kept up to date about my questioning and gender counselling and they have been very supportive even though they have never seen me as particularly feminine.
    My younger sisters accepted the news when I told them, but I always thought the youngest was very cool about it in her response of, "you do you" - so cool as in not very enthusiastic, but accepting to a point. Neither of them have mentioned it to me since nor called me anything other than my male name or brother.
     
    I had a chance while running (and walking) a 5km with her yesterday morning kid free to speak a little bit more about it, and it turns out that what I had taken for her being apathetic was actually just her not wanting to bring up my being trans until I was comfortable speaking to her about it.
    I caught her up with where I was and the fact that I am no longer questioning but actively looking to move onto hormones and transition and she was very supportive, she said that she was proud of me and that I had dealt with enough shit over the last couple of years and deserve to be happy. I talked about the clash of feelings of being called bro or my male name, while also understanding that as none of the kids know yet they can't use DeeDee in front of them, and she talked about how it will take time to shift in her mind because she has known me as her brother her whole life, but she will try her best to shift when I start publicly presenting because it will be easier then.
    When I told her that my dream of ordering a coffee as DeeDee might sound silly, she assured me that it didnt, and that it was a big deal to be able to do it.
    She did however say that if I ever walked in wearing a straw like cheap barbie style wig that she would disown me. Which seems fair enough.
     
    I was so glad to clear the air with her. ❤️
  4. ScottishDeeDee

    One small step

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    So today I took another small step forwards.
    I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me. 
    I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year. 
    What a total difference to the last time I tried to call! 
    Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that would forever be in my medical records if it turned out this was a phase or some sort of mental health issue from my marriage ending.
    Thanks to the good advice I received when I started scouring the internet completely panicked and unsure of the world, let alone my place in it - I sought counselling online and paid privately for the privilege.
    Yesterday, even though I had been in Dad mode for the entire week with my kids and was totally unshaven when I woke up - I shaved and dressed as Dee for my counselling session complete with wig and minimal makeup without giving it a second thought, during the session we talked around my need to try and emotionally protect the ones that I care about and after giving it consideration I realised that I did not get physically aggressive when I got protective - something i have seen a few of my male friends do. I try and take or prevent others having to go through painful situations by taking them on myself.
     
    I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future. When it came to the end of the session I thanked my counsellor for her time and patience and said that I do not want to schedule in another meeting just yet. I want to contact the NHS GIC and start the process formally, she has offered to help me if I wish to go down the private route and has also said that if I need any sessions even just ad-hoc ones to get in touch with her. I have really valued working with her so I suspect I will be back in touch when I need more support.
     
    This morning I looked out last years diary - I found the number I had written down after my unsuccessful attempt to go to an out of area gender clinic to speak to someone and I deliberately waited until mid morning, it allowed me to dither and build up a bit of courage to make the call, I have found that no one likes to answer that initial call and by 10am they have usually got into work mode - had to give my male name and DOB as well as my contact numbers but that is to be expected given that this will be on my medical file.
     
    I realised that I was raising my pitch to sound slightly more feminine even though I had given my male name, while I was talking to the woman on the phone and we exchanged some pleasantries while we waited on her computer system to catch up.
    I was advised that I would have to wait a couple of month or so for my initial appointment, which was fine but I admit that October was further away than I was expecting.
    It was like a friendlier version of making a doctors appointment, and I asked directions to make sure I went to the right reception just in case.  The call was relaxed and actually fairly easy to make.
     
    For the first time in almost 3 weeks I then sat and actually managed to get through all of my work emails that have been building up. I finally had the energy and drive to do some work without it being overdue and essential for the next day!
     
    My sister is delighted for me and said that October is a good thing as it gives plenty of time for my divorce to get finalised, she also said it would be an exciting new adventure - which is true, I am now a mixture of nerves and excitement instead of just fear and confusion! 💖
     
    XX
  5. ScottishDeeDee

    New Glasses

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I had my eyes tested earlier this week, in the UK the recommendation is that you have a check up every 2 years and I was due because I have been having an internal debate about getting more feminine glasses for myself. The ones I have been wearing the last 2 years are classed as unisex, and in the shops these can be expensive to buy.  I went back to a site I used in my student days and they still exist - budget friendly mail glasses where you put in your prescription and they send them out in the post. No embarrassing conversations or sneakily trying to browse in the section marked "womens frames".
    I chose a burgundy pair that are similar to the ones I have now, but a little more expressive and chunkier and a lilac pair of sunglasses with a rose tint. It has taken 2 days to get my glasses, that is unheard of where I am as first class is a 2-3 day prospect and I am ineligible for next day delivery.
    I am delighted that they arrived so fast but am disappointed with the burgundy frames - I could wear them in male mode and no one would notice, they are a thinner metal than I thought so the colour does not come through, the sunglasses are beautiful though, I wish I had just bought the same frames for both sets!
    Overall though I am very happy, I love the lilac frames and I got 2 pairs of glasses for under £60 and while I was waiting in the opticians someone else spent £256 on one pair only to get his 2nd pair "free". I highly recommend taking your prescription and ordering online.
     

  6. ScottishDeeDee
    I was coming home this evening and listening to the local radio station, taking advantage of being in an area with actual radio coverage is nice, it was a traditional Scottish tunes show they were playing a Military two step, and it hit me.  If I am going to be Dee I am going to have to learn how to dance again!
    Scottish country dancing is done in village halls across the highlands at every wedding and major event - especially New Years and is something you learn to do at school- but I have learnt all these as a man, and will have to learn them all again from the other side! Ceilidh dancing is amazing fun and actually knowing the dance is secondary to joining in.
    I really panicked when I remembered that I will also have to re-learn a strip the willow, not to so much the dance as they male and female parts are not really different, but doing one in heels OMG! 😳😳 I have to learn to dance in heels, there is so much spinning!!!! 🤢😳 💃 At a certain point you can kick off your shoes and just dance in stockinged feet, but ettiquette dictates not at the beginning of the evening.  It will be nice not having to cross the hall to go and ask for the pleasure of a dance though, I always hated that trial of fire!
    Here are a couple of links for folk who do not know what I am talking about. If you ever get the chance - do it!
     
     
  7. ScottishDeeDee

    Birthday Blog

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I am on my own for birthday, my son was down the road watching his mum remarry and he and my daughter will come to mine for a week tomorrow. I have spent most of this week staying in the house but my toenails are baby blue, my fingernails were sparkly until yesterday and are now coated in clear varnish, but cut back dow. The whole week I have been able to dress as myself and it has been wonderful.
     
    Yesterday I told one of my other long term friends that I am trans. He was gobsmacked but very supportive (he is in Canada so we rarely get to catch up) he admitted he didn't have a clue about that sort of thing, but wanted me to know that I will always be the same person on the inside regardless of my outward appearance or what name I use. He loves me and considers me a part of his family. I nearly welled up with tears, he theen listened to me as I talked him through the last couple of years, but we then just caught up over other things. I am delighted he knows, there is only one other close friend I would want to tell, but while his wife is lovely and I do not worry about either of them supporting me, she is not known for being able to keep a secret lol. So I am setting my sites on telling my mum next.
    I have spent most of the morning on video calls to family after taking my dog out to play on the beach, I have D&D later and then a gaming session booked in with Canada because I can sit up all night if I want to. 😘
     
    Today I received a card from my sister with my name on and my first ever bouquet of flowers (in the past I have always only ever been given flowers to pass on)
     
    They made my heart sing and really brighten up the kitchen table, but while I was still cutting the stems to arrange them my doorbell went and I received a second bunch of flowers from the family of the close friend and talkative wife who do not yet know my secret lmao. I am totally floored!
     
    The flowers are beautiful and just absolutely make me feel like a very lucky woman today!
     
    Today I feel more confident than ever about who I am and who I am becoming.
    💖💖💖
     


  8. ScottishDeeDee

    NHS Scotland GIC Update

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Transitioning through NHS in Scotland
    I have been given my virtual appointment for Sandyford on 8th March.
    This is the formal step I need to go through to gain access/permission to start HRT, people may not know it but my understanding is that there are only 4 Gender Identity Clinics for the whole of Scotland. Sandyford in Glasgow, Chalmers in Edinburgh, then smaller clinics in Aberdeen and Inverness. Sandyford & Chalmers are the only ones that can confirm HRT and then everyone in Scotland has to have another psychological assessment through Sandyford after living as their desired gender for a year in order to be put on the list to attend a single clinic in England used by the whole of the UK if they choose to have reassignment surgery. So the whole of Scotland and then the trans population of the UK feeds through these two choke points respectively. Given that people naturally take holidays and absences you can see what I mean by them being understaffed.
    I may be wrong but that is the most up to date info I can find through a report published by the Scottish Public Health Network (from May 2018)
    Even though by now I have been speaking to a psychosexual counsellor who has confirmed my sense of gender dysphoria the appointment needs to happen for me to move forwards.
    I was put on this list after attending my initial GIC appointment in October 2019 when I was told that it had to be done via Sandyford. Simply put, as amazing as it is our NHS just does not have the funding it should to have the trained staff it needs... (Even without youknowhat changing the focus for everyone in healthcare)
    The psychology appointment is not needed to prove that I am mentally disturbed, but rather that I am sure that this is the right course of action and that I fully understand the permanent effects and possible risks of taking estrogen. As it turns out I have needed the interim time to move mentally from the position of questioning to transwoman and so as frustrating as it is I have not minded overly much.
    I am excited to get this appointment through and I wonder if I will still be homeschooling as that will decide if I will be able to attend as myself or not.
    I did respond to the request for information signing my email as DeeDee (preferred name) and today they used DeeDee when they wrote to confirm my appointment 😊
     
    I don't know how quick it will be as a process or whether multiple appointments will be needed before I get the go ahead, and when it does if the hospital pharmacy will post my patches directly to me, or if I will have to go & be outed to a local pharmacy and talk to a local GP for repeat prescriptions but all of that will be dealt with as it happens.
    This is where things will finally start gaining momentum for me. Getting on HRT is what sets the timer going to socially transition, it's the old hide and seek equivalent of shouting, "Ready or not here I come!" 
    XX
  9. ScottishDeeDee

    Feeling good!

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    Today I was up and dressed as Dee in just under an hour, it is the first time in over a month that I have done my face and makeup and while I am out of practice I feel wonderful, last night I painted my toenails pink and then glossed my fingernails so they look kind of like a french manicure, but while these things have definitely made me feel happy I just feel different. Today is the first day in almost a year that I have not felt totally conflicted about my gender, this morning I actually feel like a woman. I don't know what it is or why, but I do.
    Also - I got a new dress and I love it! 💖 
  10. ScottishDeeDee
    Just had a really bizarre moment.
     
    I agreed to sign up to an endurance race with my nephews and sister next March - it is a 10 mile race, at night - up and down the Scottish hills - quite mad and quite fun. As a part of the entry I had to fill in the usual ID form and for the first time in my life I genuinely hesitated at the male or female question. 
    I have been happily filling in forms for most of my life without any qualms whatsoever.
    It actually made me tear up a little bit that I had to use my male name, a wave of sadness washed over me knowing I will now get a male tee-shirt and have to turn up with my male photographic ID.  I will most likely still be presenting male next March so why does this seem like such a big deal?
     
    On the up side I only have one more laser session to go - my electrologist has targeted as many dark hairs as she can find and now wants me to get a numbing cream - at our next appointment she will explode the last of the dark hairs then put the cream on my face, wait an hr and make a start on the electrolysis for all those white and ginger hairs left. I am going to have to take a book to read while I wait!
  11. ScottishDeeDee
    I have been enjoying having my daughter up for the last 2 weeks. The time is flying by and she has to decide today if she is going to stay for 3 or 4 weeks before heading back down the road to her mums with her brother.
    It means I have had zero time in front of the computer without one or the other coming in to chat or ask for help with school work, with lockdown still in effect we have not really been or done anything other than a quick dip in the sea when we were out with the dogs the other day.
    I have had a helper for cooking, and someone to watch films with, and I have been encouraging her while she practices makeup effects (she made a rose on her arm using toilet paper, lipstick and pva glue and drew petals using green eyeshadow, for a 12yo and without watching any youtube tutorials I think it is fabulous.
    Of course the downside is that the only reason I can log in here and type this is because they think I am on a work call.
    I am unshaven and hairy and piling on the weight, which makes me eat more because I hate my body. I miss dressing and knowing my son will be heading down the road I recently splurged on some clothes from Shein which I hope will be in my size - I am daydreaming a little about scraping all the fuzz off and trying on my chunky girl clothes to relax around the house in for a couple of weeks.
     
    The problem is that I am emotionally finding it hard to know who I am - that clear vision of Dee is being replaced by fuzzy rose tinted - maybe I just like being feminine sometimes thoughts and doubts. I mean I have doubled the amount of people in the house calling me dad, and while part of me loves that my daughter can discuss the fact that she has just started her periods and that there is a boy in her class that she likes I also hate that I am deliberately slipping into old habits and "dad" routines because that is what she wants.
     
    Am I scared of pushing them away by embracing Dee, or am I scared of embracing Dee because it seems like pure fantasy to consider myself female at the moment?
    😢👩‍👧👩‍👦👨‍👦👨‍👧💔💝
  12. ScottishDeeDee

    How time flies

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I have been feeling reflective this morning. (I know, what else is new)
    It has been a whirlwind of a week and so after I got my son off to school I simply went to bed for an hour or so and dozed. Well, that's not totally true, I changed out of my dad pj's into a cotton nighty and went back to bed and dozed - I didn't even think about it.
     
    Then when I decided to stop being too lazy and get up I tried to decide what to wear, technically today was my day off so I thought... why not attempt to wear something pretty again.
    I was apprehensive because of how badly my mood had plummeted last time.
    So I put an outfit together, and decided that while there was nothing wrong with the blouse itself I looked fugly in it.  This is the same blue blouse I wore on my night out at that Pride weekend over a year ago!
    I took it off dejected and stared in the mirror for a couple of minutes, and then mentally decided sod it - try again. This time I took out a pair of cullotes that I have not worn before and then a plain red top that has some patterning on the 3/4 length sleeves.
    I had a quick shave and decided to put one of my wigs on and this time I smiled at myself looking back.
    I plugged in my Dee phone so I could take a selfie, because it is these little moments of bliss thta I try to remember and then noticed that my manphone was flashing and my ex wanted to video call.
    For the second time I sighed, took off my clothes and wig and slipped into a hoody and joggers.  The call was a courtesy call because she is supposed to be remarrying next week and she had not been in touch about how our son was going to get down to her or when, nor when they were going to come back up so I could see my daughter.  I already knew thgrough conversations with my son that his granny intends to come up, stay the night on Friday and then head down the road with him the next day. I have always gotten along fine with her, and it does make sense with the hours of driving, but it is easy to see where my ex gets some of her more selfish traits from.  Telling my 13 year old Autistic son is not the same as asking me if it is okay.  Though honestly I just made a mental note to remove my pink toenail varnish before Friday.
    My daughter had also needed a Covid test due to displaying symptoms at school (which also put my exes wedding at risk), but thankfully that has turned out to be negative and is just a sore throat and cold.
     
    Once the video call had finished I was sat wondering if it was worth the hassle of getting changed again.  My inner voice told me that I have 4 hrs until my son comes home, it is my day off, why not dress as myself for a while?
     
    So I have...
    This time I did not critique my appearance in the mirror, although I did add just a smidge of matte lipstick, for no other reason than I wanted to, the women in my family do not tend to wear makeup everyday, or at most just wear mascara and maybe lipgloss, and that seems to be where I am heading too.
     
    I chuckled to myself a little because it is only 2 years ago that if I was at home alone I would be excitedly changing into some slutty outfit to make myself feel good, knowing full well that once I was done I would shamefacedly be hiding it all away again. I am still dressing to make myself feel good, but in a completely different way.
     
    I like being DeeDee, yes I like the look and feel of these clothes, but I could just as easily wear them to an office as I could to a coffee shop or for a wander down the high street.
    The sense of reliefe is totally different. The shame when I need to change is directed at the need to go back to the dad clothes because it feels like I need to shut myself away once more and even thinking about that makes me sigh inwardly as I think about the fact that really I am just putting another mask back on.
     
    My birthday is coming up this month and even though I know with Covid nothing can happen I whistfully revisted the idea of putting together a halloween costume I nearly wore once years ago when I still saw myself as a man and thought about how great it would be to put a proper outfit together and go to a party as Velma before letting my friends know that actually the guy they know is more of a costume than the one I was wearing, but I suppose that can wait for another day, like when I have started to stride purposefully down that path instead of tiptoe cautiously.

  13. ScottishDeeDee
    After popping down for another session of electrolysis, making it the 3rd week in a row, this time I was lying on the table for 5.5 hrs and did not leave the spa until twenty to one in the morning. I was up at 8am for parkrun so neither of us was getting much sleep.
    Before the visit I popped into the closest decent sized chemists and tried to get my estradiol prescription filled. The pharmacist passed a comment about my address and I said I spent most of my weekends down here so it was easier to get. I was due 3 boxes but he only had 2. (Depending on who you ask the inability of places to stock E patches was a direct result of brexit, but I thought it had been resolved) I signed up for a text alert and at some point in the next few weeks I will get a text to collect my last box. As soon as I got in I applied the first patch and did my best to fall asleep. I was obviously too tired and did something wrong as it was half off by morning so I straightened it out and covered it with a waterproof plaster which will tide me over until Tuesday when I will apply the next one.
     
    I dropped my sister home after parkrun and was in male mode for the first time in the last few weeks in front of her because I was going too collect the kids from their grannies. She started an interesting conversation with me about feeling awkward with me as Dee. I could tell she was trying to talk without upsetting me so I tried to help out, but she was asking about why I was so quiet and sensible, she likes her little brother and enjoys doing things with him, but she has found it hard to connect with me and is worried that my personality is going to change.
     
    We started talking about my name and she told me again how much she hates DeeDee and will never use it because it sounds too childish. I said when has she ever met someone and told them that she hates their name and refuses to use it?
    The only reason she is doing it is because it's me. I said I do understand it, becauser I ahve been thinking about it on and off for ages, for me seeing DEEDEE printed on the prescription box just looked really odd. I think Dee works as a nickname, but on it's own I do not like it as a formal name as it seems to be missing something I can't quite put my finger on.
    I had been thinking during my electrolysis of names that would naturally get shortened to Dee. I really like Deanna as a name, and my mums middle name is Denise, but the problem with being a transwoman with a feminised male name is that everyone would assume I was just called Dennis in my former life.
    I said there is a lot of pressure in getting a name that everyone calls you right because we are never put in that situation, every name we hear is coloured by people we meet and everyone has names they like and dont like. I could never call myself Daisy or Delilah or Deidre because to me they just dont sit right. All the proffessionals have been calling me DeeDee since I started using it and it has lots of positive connotations, but I know for a fact even without her saying she doesnt like it I have been pondering over my name for a while. She asked how they could say it with a straight face and I reminded her that for them whther I present male or female they are at work and use my preferred name and pronouns just like she would, the only reason she feels entitled not to is because she is my big sister. She acknowledged my point and said that she does like Deanna, she doesnt want me to lose my second middle name but dislikes my choice of Joy for a 1st middle name. I said that I don't really care if she likes it or not, no one tends to like their names and they only ever talk about middle names in the pub when people are guessing them, for me it's more about acknowledging my old initials and their place in family tradition while trying to find a new version that works for who I'm becoming. She said she couldn't imagine the pressure of picking a new name for herself.
     
    After much waffling I explained that my personality is still the same, but I had a lot of practice with the character she knew. It was easy to slip into and the only time I had to watch myself and be really controlled was usually when I was drinking, which is why alcohol tended to bring out my more misogynistic and stupid "bloke" jokes, especially when I was in my 20's. If people were laughing then they weren't looking.
     
    I mentioned that it isn't just me transitioning but all of my relationships need to change too, I have established habits and little routines that I have used for years and while that was fine for the brother/friend, not all of those will extend to Dee moving forwards.
     
    I said as Dee I am extremely self conscious, I am wearing clothes I have cobbled together from charity shops, from donatations from her and mum and I still don't have my own style, most of the time the only way to see if I like something is to wear it and see, I know my friends and family will stop me going out looking a total mess, but everyone is trying to dress me in their own style and I have to accept the help until I grow into my own.
    I said there is also the fear of being looked at as a man.
    I feel that pressure more with people who have known me longer and are used to me being bald, so when I turn up in a wig everyone knows, but when I am walking down the street I am thinking about my stride and how big my steps are as well as where my arms are going, I am trying to not stand slouching with my hands in my pockets because women (much to their chagrin) do not tend to have pockets and so it makes me stand out. I naturally tend to cross my legs rather than spread them out, but even standing in a queue women hold themselves differently to men.
     
    Quite apart from that as soon as I speak I am trying to manage my pitch, my resonance, my words, my voume and my patterns to fit 
    in with the women around me. If I get any one of those things wrong people start to sense that somethintg is off and then look harder, and I do not want them to look harder.
    For example I know I start my voice too high, in a not quite falsetto that is obviously false, but it allows for the drop in pitch to make me sound more natural for a longer period of time, but those first few conversations are excruciating. I am a natural empath and I can feel the exact moment that someone's mood or attitude changes. It is a fantastic tool to have but makes me more hyper aware when I stand out, which is something I have spent my whole life trying not to do!
    I explained that it is the difference between a new driver and an experienced one. I have so much going on that I have to shut up and concentrate. I am looking and learning at the women around me and because I am not simply trying to be a mand pretending to be a woman I am translating all of those little things into what I need to do as Dee.
     
    She has had years to learn all of the unwritten social rules and ettiquette and style faux pas that people can avoid, but unless someone helps me out the only way I will know is by blundering into them.
     
    She pointed out the amount of pink I wear and said no one does that, it makes me look old. I have a pair of grey trainers with pink stripes and my pink rain jacket, on that day I wore them to walk a dog and meet my friends in the park.
    I explained that the jacket was a charity shop purchase because I needed a coat and didn't have one, and I still havent found one I like yet, and while I hate it being bright pink, because I prefer purple or light blue it does the job. The trainers are the only shoes I actually ever bought in my true size and are really comfortable. She was trying to offer constructive advice without sounding catty but then the conversation got a little weirder and now I am wondering if she is actually mourning her brother and trying to hold onto him rather than trying to help her sister.
     
    She asked why I did not buy from the mens department for Dee. I said she doesnt do it for herself, so why would I?
    I don't want to buy from the mens department, I want to buy from the womens department, she said that my body shape hasnt changed yet and there are lots of andorgynous clothes that she thinks would look really good on me. I said that until I get bigger thighs and a butt then the womens jeans are not going to fit as well, but I actually wear both mens and womens jeans interchageably now as unless they are fitted then no one can tell.
    As I go through this period of having to be seen as male part of the time and female the rest I know my style is going to change and alter and drift, I will move towards androgyny or be seen as camp because I cannot help but want to express more of my girly self. The important difference is that I do not give a monkey how my male self looks and never have. I don't want to look or come across as a well dressed or gay man because that is not who I am, I care about my appearance and presentation as Dee.
     
    She said that I have big winter coats that I wear that arent pink and I agreed but said there was a huge difference between the style of mens and womens coats - even puffer jackets tend to be longer for women or more shaped and tailored. She disagreed but I said that the coats I have are blatently mens coats and no one would ever think of them as womens coats.
    More to the point I am trying to move myself from being seen as a man to being seen as a woman, and you could have two identical teeshirts for sale and I would still want to buy the one with the womans label on it, because mentally that helps me feel happier inside.
     
    I dont think she understands this part of transitioning, she may know a transwoman, and she was the first person I told when I was questioning, and even now is taking emotional flack from my mum because of it, but I am different and this felt like she was trying to herd me back into the box she had me in.
     
    All of my other friends said that they had found me more relaxed and comfortable. I sat and drank tea with them, I chatted and played with their kids and we even went out for dinner in a busy family restaurant, they all loved interacting with me as Dee so I cannot believe my character changed that much at my sisters house that it was like I was someone different. She did stress that she still loves and supports me and was glad she was able to ask me, so it has probably been building up since I first turned up to her house, but it did make me a little defensive, I want to educate as I go because it will make my life easier if people understand what I am going through, but equally I cannot work through someone elses emotional issues for them...
    Families!
  14. ScottishDeeDee
    My dream self seems to have more fun than I do!
     
    I have spent all day considering whether it was worth sharing or not, but as I am trying to journal my whole experience any dream that deals with transgender as an issue in any form is worth writing about.
     
    This was a pretty positive dream though, I woke up feeling flushed and decidedly positive - a feeling which has stayed with me all day.
     
    In my dream I had gone to a retreat that also offered some sort of therapy session with the intention of working through how to come out to my work.There was another woman also on retreat and a man that for some reason I "clocked" as a trans man. He was also seeing the therapist so perhaps that was what gave it away, but he was about my height and build, so roughly 5"7 and stocky without being jacked, or overly chunky, he had a 5 o clock shadow, reasonbly short hair and for some reason I cannot understand was from the Netherlands.
     
    I have to clarify that I was on the retreat in man mode but the therapist in my session straight after his, picked up that there was some tension between us while we had been eating and asked if I was attracted to him, while I admitted I was I moaned the fact that I was not appearing as me - she asked me why I was attracted to him when I had only ever had female partners and I simply replied that he gets what it means to be trans. I woke up shortly after being persuaded to introduce myself properly to him as DeeDee and just see how we both felt.
     
    Not a raunchy dream, although I woke up still in that buzz feeling; but I think while I shelved my sexuality as soon as I started questioning my gender as I just assumed that it will sort itself out it was incredibly validating to get those interested vibes from someone.
     
    If I choose to I could tear apart the dream, but it was just a small oasis of happiness, in a fortnight or so of uncertainty and drama!
  15. ScottishDeeDee

    Finally told my mum

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Coming Out
    Well, I finally did it!
    Over lunch yesterday my mum asked about how my counselling was going, so I took a deep breath and told her that there was a lot of really big stuff that had come about, I'd realised that so much of my adult life had been spent trying to be what other people wanted me to be that I had no idea who I was.. and after a lot of searching I'd realised that I have never been comfortable as a man and the right word for me was transgender. I did not  know if she would understand or not but I really needed to tell her. 
    She had not said a word the whole time, but she looked at me and said that long before I was a teenager I had been running around in her high heels and that she had thought I was goiing to tell her I was gay.  She assured me that she loved me and supported me and I burst into tears as we hugged.
    It really could not have gone better, I mentioned how long I had wanted to tell her and how worried I was about her side of the family, she assured me that she would walk away from them long before she would ever walk away from me.
     
    I am so pleased to finally get this out in the open and I am now more certain than ever that I am on the right path. Thanks everyone who commented and gave me the positivity to help make it through this. I am so excited for my future now! 

  16. ScottishDeeDee
    In Scotland I think Hogmanay is a bigger celebration than Christmas.  There are ceilidh dances, street parties and house parties up and down the nation and the government encourages it because the ridiculous amount of alcohol that gets consumed is backed up by the fact that both the 1st and 2nd of January are considered public holidays.
    It has been quite a few years since I have gone out on New Years, this year there were some tentative plans made with friends, but they fell by the wayside as cost and budgets refused to allow it. I considered briefly whether or not I would be brave enough to go down to Edinburgh or somewhere else for the street party as Dee, but immediately decided I was not brave enough, and being in a big crowd entirely alone and possibly paranoid just did not seem like a good idea. My eldest sister said that she was not doing anything for New year other than getting a takeaway, but I was welcome to go down and join her. I took her up on the offer and we ate a lovely chinese takeout, played trivial pursuit and watched the last leg and the big fat quiz of the year, none of the traditional Scottish Hogmanay programs, but it was really nice.
    She asked if I had confided in mum about being trans yet and I admitted that I just couldn't bring it up in conversation, possibly because I struggle to find the words to describe my feelings, but also because once I tell my mum the risk of being outted before I am ready increases dramatically. 
    I talked about wearing wigs and how I am struggling because I feel I need to wear one, and many of the ladies I have seen online have no issue with them, but because nothing else chemically has changed it makes me feel more like I am playing at dressing up rather than allowing the world to see me as I want to be seen. She pointed out that there are plenty of cis women who wear wigs, including my ex wife for a while after undergoing chemo and no one batted an eye at them.
    She also showed me the before and after photos of one of her trans friends who had just had facial hair removal and hormones and looked completely feminine, there was no sign of the rough looking guy from beforehand.
    Then as we hugged at the bells, I thanked her for being a wonderful sister and she replied, "ditto".  It makes me well up even now thinking about it. She has no idea just how validating it is to hear her acknowledge who I am, even in that one word.
    It was the best start to 2020.
     
    This morning we got up and went out to a 5km parkrun, it hurt and felt horrible at the time, but is also something I have never done before and is a good indicator of how I want this year to go.
    On my way home I stopped in at a friends house and we caught up for a few hours, I edged around my gender questioning, but went into great depths about peeling back layers and masks, I know they would be very supportive, but I haven't seen them in person for 5 years so it seemed a bit too much too soon considering I just turned up at their house!
     
    I am now sat in my nighty having painted my nails bright red wondering if I can go out for a walk as me somewhere tomorrow and try out my new scarf.  It may be a fleeting feeling, but it is quite nice to just feel like myself for the moment.
    💅👸💋💖
  17. ScottishDeeDee

    Inner Voice

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I have been going out and walking/jogging to a couch to 5km app, when I first started in May I had done half a dozen park runs where again I had mostly walked, my motivation was to get out and do something because most of the time I do not want to go out or do anything, I was also putting all the weight back on that I had lost before Christmas last year.  I have some really nice second hand clothes and if I am going to have to come out in front of my friends and family at some point then I want to look my best, shallow vanity I know, but that pretty lemon yellow summer dress that was in the clothes my sister sent up is something I would love to fit into next year.
     
    For the last 5 weeks I have gone out 3 times a week, usually Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, and the app I use the trainer called "Erin" tells me when to run and when to walk, it has been fantastic as given the choice I would walk most of the time.
     
    Through her I am now running more than I am walking and if I keep this up in two weeks time I should in theory be able to run a full 5km without stopping to walk.
    This has become more important to me as time passes, every time I am told to visualise why I have showed up to exercise I picture that dress.
    She told me to think of a mantra to repeat to myself and the one she uses is "Be strong... You're strong!" So being the unimaginative soul that I am I have been jogging around and chanting "Be strong DeeDee. You're strong." whenever it has felt tough, which has been a lot of he time.
    I haven't lost much weight, but I am feeling a lot fitter than I was when I started and it is nice to have something to push myself towards.
     
    My inner monologue talks in the 3rd person and I noticed that when it was getting particularly hard to catch my breathe on a farm track that slopes upwards, my inside voice started with the, "come on Dee Dee you can do this" encouragement, it was five or so minutes later as I was cruising down the track that I realised that my head voice never uses my male name anymore I only ever refer to myself as DeeDee. I think I am fine at the moment with the necessity that others have to use my male name but it is getting easier and easier to visualise a time when that will not have to happen anymore.
     
    I also think I need to order more openly feminine glasses as the ones I received and was most apathetic about as they were thinner than I had hoped I have been using as my everyday glasses and not one person has noticed that they have changed. It would be nice to own an everyday pair that I can use as DeeDee.
    x
     
  18. ScottishDeeDee
    This week I have finally started to become emotionally okay with being Transgender.  Intellectually I knew it months ago, but internally I have been fighting it whether I meant to or not. Being transgender was great for other people, but just a headache and not okay for me. It messes up too may areas in my life.Thanks to the support and encouragement from many of the people I have met online I am starting to look at it differently and without quite so much of the panic and feelings of being sucked under by a current out of my control.
     
    There is a set of "would you rather" questions I have seen trans Youtubers ask when talking about being trans and one of them is; if you were stranded on an Island for the rest of your life with no chance of rescue and there were male and female clothes in front of you which would you choose to wear - even though no one will see how will you present? for me the obvious and practical answer is both - over time you would wear all the clothes depending on what wore out, how cold it got and what you were doing...my brain is a weird and wonderful place and with both children being classified with ASD I do wonder if I am undiagnosed sometimes.
    But I have recently lived through that same question in a different context.
    My kids have gone away for the week with their mum and I have dressed a couple of times while relaxing around the house. I woke up the other day and looked at the two piles of clothes at the end of my bed - one male and one female, and I asked myself who would I rather be? I am not going anywhere, no one will see me - if I am 100% honest which clothes would I rather get up on put on? Do I want to be male or female?
     
    I chose the female leggings and tee.

    It was an important moment for me though.  I realised that when all is said and done, this is how I see myself. This is not a sexy outfit, but a comfortable one. This is not an overly effeminate dress to go with heels for some imaginary night out where I am a perfect vision of my female self.  This is just me, being me on an average day, and given the absolute freedom to choose I would wear these types of clothes in a heartbeat because they match how I feel.
    So with all of the wonderful support and encouragement I have received I effectively woke up finally accepting on an emotional level something that I have intellectually known for a few months, I am transgender - being afraid of accepting it has crippled me, I don't want to be transgender - life is easier as a cis male. Why not just ignore it and hope it goes away?
    My life does not have to change, but in order to stay that way I will have to acknowledge that I am lying to myself about who I am, and I will have to accept that I will never wake up and choose those female clothes. As a parent and as a person how can I tell others that they are okay and accepted for who they are if i could not do the same for myself? 
     
    I have to say that I still do not know how far I will take things, I have mentally blocked the bigger idea of transitioning from male to female in order to concentrate on the smaller focus of spring cleaning my life out - removing those masks and getting rid of the parts I really do not need or want in my life any more. As others have said - becoming a more authentic and hopefully more content me.
     
    I had the opportunity to meet up with my younger sisters, who do not know (I am the middle child of 4 sisters and have told the eldest two, but no one else in the family we are a close knit family as there is only 2 years between each sibling and the youngest two are twins) - their partners are very nice but manly men - a professional cyclist and an engineer with a black belt in aikido (could be another martial art but you get the idea) - the twins were an unknown because as adults we are not as close as we used to be although we still keep in touch. We took a walk up a big hill - walking is a common thread in our family, one my older sisters came along and passed a comment about how my face was looking a lot better today (thanks sis!) which made one of the twins ask why, what had happened to my face? so I pretty much had to tell her once the kids were out of earshot, there was going to be no chickening out. 
     
    Both were surprised but after all of the build up in my head and fears it turned out to be a total non event.  The youngest said that as far as she was concerned she wants me to know that she loves me and always will and that she is always available if I need her. We only have one life to live and if being female makes me happy then go for it. The other sister said that she couldnt even begin to understand going through that kind of crisis of identity but to know that she loves me even if we are crap at keeping in touch and that I am not alone, I can always phone her or drop by and not to worry about being DeeDee or male me.
    Later once the kids had gone to bed my sisters cracked open a bottle of wine and the youngest asked a few more questions - she is very like my Canadian friend in personality, so she asked when this all started and pointed out that the marriage exploding was very close to the fancy dress party, so I brought up the other things like stealing their clothes since I was 8 and started to talk about playing with their friends when we were younger and being more comfortable in womens company than mens and she pointed out that I grew up with  sisters.  I agreed - a lot of what other people use as atypical activity - playing with dolls, dressing up and playing imaginary games, coreographing dancing, playing cartwheel and handstands, jumping rope, hop scotch were all just normal for me growing up even though I accepted I was a boy.  I pointed out though that other men are brought u in all female households and do not question their gender - as far being trans goes if you sit and question it then you probably are because "normal" people (this is just phrasing and not meant to offend) just don't question the gender they are assigned at birth because they are comfortable in their skin. I have felt emotionally and socially inadequate and not quite right my entire adult life and so I need to take this seriously and explore it so I do not turn into our mum or try to commit suicide because the statistics are genuinely terrifying.
     
    I should point out that none of the above was confrontational, my baby twin sisters are not identical and the eldest, me and the youngest all look alike, I said that accepting me as I was sat dressed as I am is one thing, but if I rocked up in a skirt and wig it would be a different thing altogether, so I pulled up a photo of me in my blond wig and showed them. My sister then said that I looked more like her twin than her twin does lol, so she took my glasses and took a photo of herself (she has straight blond hair) other than the eyebrows and the fact that I am bigger in the face we really do look almost identical - they both found it funny and I was told that I better go to them for fashion advice, it prompted a discussion about dressing inappropriately for the environment and making yourself stand out even more. I said that I will probably just change slightly to begin with, my sister suggested small earrings and I know that now they have seen me as Dee that initial shock will not be a big deal when the time comes. We talked about me moving away from where I am so I can be somewhere more accepting, my baby sister does not want me getting beaten up! (she would easily beat up anyone that started on me on a night out - she has training) and even though I could not stay late I am so grateful for my sisters. They told me not to worry about their respective partners as both are laid back, and both have reinforced the fact that if I need them they are here for me - regardless of geographical location.
     
    Our family has gone through a lot - they were not expecting to hear that their brother has daydreamed about being their sister when I arrived, but they know that this is not a knee jerk reaction, that I am taking it seriously and not rushing and they have offered to support me.  Another massive weight and worry lifted off my shoulders!  I only have my mum left to tell who is going to be very difficult as she has created a big thing around me being the only boy of the family, our relationship is close and has been since my dad died when I was a teen,  but that is also a big part of the reason why I was trying to be the man he was in my eyes and failed miserably. If my mum accepts me then I will be able to face anything else, if she does not then it will be very hard for a while, but at least all of my sisters will stand up for me.  I am sitting in a very good place today emotionally and just wanted to share.
  19. ScottishDeeDee

    New Ally

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I initially titled this an ally - but after forgetting to put the space in when I typed it in google to check my spelling I changed my mind 😳
    I travelled down the road last night with my children to stay at my sisters house, we both have daughters who were born on the same day and so while cousins they often look and behave as twins. (My two younger sisters who I am yet to tell about my trans feelings are twins so I really do know).  Once the kids had been sent to bed I got to sit up and have a really good catch up with my sister - I talk with her regularly on the phone and message quite often via facebook but nothing beats sitting in the same room and just offloading on one another.
    She has been doing a lot of reading about being transgender and was honest enough to tell me when I mentioned feeling like a failure as a man in just about every area of my  life that she never saw me as effeminate or girly - and that simply being raised with girls naturally made me more emotionally aware. She asked if I had read about folk that have detransitioned after deciding they had made a mistake too.
    I love that my sister can ask this and I know it does not come from anything other than curiosity and a desire to help. I pointed out that having girls around does not necessarily make a guy more emotionally aware, but also the fact that I have learnt to hide a lot of things very early on for instance she never knew when I was borrowing her clothes - a point she had to concede...😊 I was the Sherlock Holmes of clothing - it would be replaced in the same drawer open to the same amount and folded in the same way it had been when I took it - short of taping hairs to the door she would never have known I had been in her room. Nothing was ever out of place unless it had come from the laundry basket.
    I also said that when I first started looking at gender videos and blogs I did watch a few videos but stopped because the ones I found all seemed to be from people who had transitioned when young and it wasn't so much that they did not feel trans that made them de-transition but that they could no longer take the negatives from being their preferred gender.
    Though I have been sat wondering W.T.F. I am doing this week. Asking myself if all of this stress is going to be worth it - if becoming female is actually going to make me feel more like the real me or less - especially if I have to teach myself to talk differently and walk differently and wear a wig to disguise my shiny testosterone created dome... am I going to be more me or less me?
    Being transgender is not THE journey for me - I have told a couple of people that trying to find out who I am now I am on my own again is where this journey started, unpicking why I felt so good being dressed as a woman and actually stopping to ask myself why I have felt the need to dress in womens clothing on and off for my entire life is how I have gotten to this point.
    I said that the more I share online the more people seem to understand my thoughts and feelings and experiences and be able to draw parallels with their own lives, and while it is great to make connections with people who truly understand putting yourself under a microscope like this I think part of me was hoping that no one would have had the same thoughts or experiences and I could tell myself that I was not transgender and just stay a slightly kinky bloke forever. 
     
    It was in this frame of mind that I turned up for my consultant's session as the beauty Spa that I had booked myself into to talk about getting my facial and body hair removed.  I had to ask directions twice as the spa is attached to a very swanky hotel in the town, but it means that reputation and service are going to be high even if the price is inflated to match their fluffy white towels...
    I had a brief medical form to fill in and sat waiting for my consultant to arrive, just me - bald guy in a jacket using his male name, the twenty something year old lassie beside me and two older ladies across from me and nobody saying a word or looking at each other - the ladies soon went off to get their nails done and the lassie was then called leaving me on my own. The receptionist bless her did offer me a cup of tea but I have read online that caffeine can somehow make you more sensitive to the pain so I was doing all this without my morning coffee..
    The consultant breezed in with her own steaming mug of coffee and I was shown into the room while she moaned about the lack of parking and being blocked fromher space due to a classic car collection parked outside - I made a comment about the men showing off their new toys to one another and she made the usual must be compensating for something joke and then we got down to business.
    Which areas do you want done? and then why do you want your hair removed - initially I just talked about having experienced being hairless for the first time in my adult life last halloween that I just really was getting fed up of shaving, but in a few more moments she asked again why I wanted all my hair removed and so I said that I had been questioning my gender. Wow - talk about saying the right thing.
    She had been pleasant before, but oh my word if this did not feel like the big reveal at a game show!
    Instantly she asked a lot of questions about if I had attended the local clinic or been to my GP because she is on first name terms with the woman there and that she has lots of other girls come in and I literally got about 15 minutes of sage advice about getting all my ducks in a row before coming out - how wearing female clothing can still be done subtly without the need to wear a miniskirt and become a tart (I am paraphrasing) my response was that with the best will int the world I would not suit a miniskirt even if I wanted to!
    I had to remind her that I have not even had my initial meeting yet, that I was not on hormones and was not even close to claiming sessions on the NHS - but I was there because I have never grown a beard and have always hated my facial hair and the chore of shaving so even if I never went through with transition it is a good investment to never need to shave again. There were other quickfire conversations mostly prefaced with a comment about how she probably shouldn't say anything but I said that other than my two sisters she is the first living person i have told face to face and I always appreciate honesty over back handed compliments.
    From that point on I became dear and sweetie and while she still f'ed and blinded (heavily swore) her way through our meeting it was like a breath of fresh air - she volunteered to put me in touch with the local support group there and confirmed that in her opinion I am right not to say anything to my ex or my children until I am much further a long and that we will talk about make up and where and how to get my eyebrows done and all sorts of things - before eventually getting back to the sessions. Apparently I will not be straight forward - but in my life that is a constant and so I was not expecting anything less - she went through the two types of laser - IPL and NDYAG and said that IPL was like a weed clearer - it would kill of the darkest hairs but be useless against the red and white hairs that my Scottish caucasian genes have blessed me with.
    The YAG laser is much more powerful and will kill off a lot more, but is far more focused and covers a smaller area, which means it takes longer and is almost twice as expensive, and then finally all that should be left would be the white hairs for electrolysis.  I talked about whether laser was a false economy as I did not want to throw good money after bad for a temporary solution and she assured me that the thermal reaction is permanent, it takes many multiples of sessions because of the growth cycles but she can keep me right and will let me know when the best times are to go in and for which treatment - The lasers have improved since she first started working with them, but if you use it on the wrong pigment type it will not get down far enough to excite the hair root inside the follicle to detonate and then pretty much just becomes a fancy way of waxing as the hair is not destroyed.
    She said she had started this 30 odd years ago and was trained in Italy as the lasers she uses were not available in the UK at the time - the good news is that the YAG laser seems to be pretty good, the IPL one she knew was pointless on my face but felt that it wold work well on my chest and back hair where my Pili Multigemini is actually a blessing.
    The test patches were like being flicked with an elastic band in the face repeatedly - unpleasant but not unbearable, and the smell of burning hair I already know from years of throwing hair brush contents onto open fires.. my skin just looks like I have a shaving rash which on a male is not even worth noticing.
    I am going back for my first hour of treatment next Saturday - it is going to cost me an absolute fortune, but the knowledge and openness and understanding of this woman not only put me totally at ease but I was positively floating when I left.
    I then proceeded to the hotel bar where I met my other elder sister for coffee and recounted my session, we put the world to rights and then I accompanied her to a different salon in the town where she was getting her shellaq nails removed - it was not an intentional thing but was again another usually all female space that I came into - after an amazing day I have then collected the children and driven home - normally I would blog abut this on my Monday, but I needed to get it down before I forget the feeling.
    I may have looked and presented male for most of the day, but it actually turned out to be a very affirming Dee day after all! 
  20. ScottishDeeDee

    I write too much!

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Counselling
    So I have just finished my gender counselling and am in between appointments, so I will need to go and change and wipe any signs of DeeDee away for the day.
    The psychologist loved my list, she said it effectively sums up my life and ties in my emotions and struggles with gender roles and identities, but she also said while she felt bad she wanted me to cut the list down. She said she looks at it from a psychological perspective and found that even she as getting distracted from the gender aspects, whereas the people that this will go to will only really be interested in medical terms about the tick boxes of longevity and frequency. She said she will never tell someone that their story is not important, nor will she tell them what to write, but although she has learned a lot about me as a person it could muddy the waters and mean that I end up with more referrals before getting greenlighted to HRT.
    As we are able to where we are, she has also asked if we can meet face to face, and so I said yes, so in two weeks time I will pack my son off to school drive down for my appointment and she will meet DeeDee in person, and then I will drive back home in time to get his dinner sorted after school. I am actually more excited than scared about having an in person meeting but the pressure isn't about who may or may not see me as DeeDee although that is still a worry, it is how bestto do that practically - at the moment I am verging towards doing what I did the first time I left the house and simply adding my wig and shoes once I am in the car and out of my area, then every interaction for the day will be as DeeDee.
    I am quite excited.  
  21. ScottishDeeDee
    A few weeks ago I decided to start making a cosplay - for those who don't know cosplay is taking a (usually) fictional character  that you like and recreating their look, folks who have gone to 'cons will have seen hundreds of them. It is effectively like dresing up for a halloween party, but usually tied to an aspect of geek culture instead of horror.
    I was rewatching the RWBY series recently and was struck by the main charcacter Ruby Rose:

    Although in the animation she is young she gets punted off to a high school for fighters and spends the 1st season stumbling around trying to find her place with all of this extra pressure and expectations on her; and that resonated with me. It is made in that Japanese stylised way that means every woman would probably have serious back issues, but the aesthetic of the series is fantastic.  She carries around an iconic scythe that is also a gun that shoots magic ammo and can fold down into an easy to carry shape, but I haven't made that! 😳 
    I bought the various parts of the costume and then dd a little bit of sewing for her cuffs and then put it all together.
    It would work for a party, but not to go out in. As a character she is so niche that I doubt anyone I know would recognise her and I think they would just assume I am a goth little red riding hood. 😆
     
    Here is my unfinished attempt, it is an unflattering angle,but it took me agesto relace the cincher and boots so I wanted them in the photo lol. 
    I am not going anywhere in it so it's not really a big deal that it is not quite there, but for my first ever Dee costume I am quite pleased with how it turned out.💖

     
  22. ScottishDeeDee

    Truisms

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I have been feeling very much ill over the last few days, but this evening I saw a a post online that gave me some food for thought, because it very much speaks to my struggle over the last year:
     

  23. ScottishDeeDee
    I left my house this morning wearing my ladies jeans and a ladies tee that when combined with my male boots, baseball cap and baggy jacket looked like I was just wearing skinny jeans, at most slightly androgynous. I drove down to meet my sister, stopped for an iced coffee and to buy a toothbrush and a razor, because even though I have packed my biggest suitcase with enough clothes to go on holiday for a fortnight I forgot them.
    My sister and I put the world to rights as we drove down to my nieces, on arrival I immediately put on my every day blonde bob hair which has a fringe so it hides the netting well even though it is cheap, I then went and changed into a more overtly feminine styled black and dark blue top that had long sleeves and a rolled neckline, put on my "natural" false lashes and some lip gloss and both my niece and sister said that I looked completely natural.  I wore my charity shop pastel blue Vans trainers and paid the price for my bargain with blisters later.
    I know my chin is still red and blotchy from the combination laser and electrolysis but they said it was not noticeable. I put my phone and wallet (which is small enough to pass as a purse) in my handbag with the lip gloss and perfume that I had chosen and we then walked up to the place where my sister was staying to drop off her bag. As we were waiting to cross the road my sister did a double take because she thought I was some random woman who had walked up and stood beside her 🤣. 
    We then walked into the centre of town to a buffet style Thai/Chinese restaurant and had a wonderful meal, the city was a typical busy city street, lots of people passing and my niece and sister told me at the restaurant that not a single person had done a double take. I must admit that while I felt slightly self conscious the conversation and company made me completely forget I was presenting female a couple of times.  Nobody shouted anything, I'm fairly certain I heard one guy asking his mate if that was a guy at a bus stop as we passed but they didn't yell or choose to come and find out.  None of the waiting staff stared or treated me any different to my sister or niece and as far as I am aware none of the tables around us passed any comment or stared either. I was just another customer stuffing my face with plates of sushi.
    The loos were practically unisex - an open lay out design meant one set of sinks with a couple of cubicles denoting the woman's area, my sister came with me but it was deserted.
    My fears turned out to be just that, spectres that had no substance. It was a fantastic meal, I felt too full and then when we queued and paid we were just a part of the queue - nothing different or unique.
    We walked back up that same busy street, again no one stared or said anything - the buskers asked for cash as they do but again no one said anything - there was a short period where a man was walking uncomfortably close behind us and talking to his friend about how he was carrying a knife, but thankfully before long he turned off and went into a pub.
    My niece then suggested a quick drink to say thank you for the meal before my sister headed back to her lodgings and so we went into her local pub. It was very bright and there was a wee corner that my sister and I went and sat in while my niece got a round in with her student discount. The woman at the table next to us stared heavily as we walked in and sat down but it could just as easily have been because they were a large group and had been using the seats we sat down in - in the UK if there are no jackets or drinks you just sit in the empty space - if a seat is being kept you are told. We had our drink and then the large group left, my sister went up and bought a second one but we left when some old drunk guy came and sat down in the now vacant table beside us and started trying to strike up a conversation with my sister - I went to the loo, this time with my niece and then we came back to her flat after a quick stop for some blister plasters because every step was agony for me.
    My first time out in the big city was completely uneventful - my niece used my male name twice and both times I gently asked her not to while I am wearing a wig and ladies clothing and she was mortified, but she did not treat me any differently.
    I was hyper aware of my surroundings and how close people were to me, my sister said that she felt really protective of me - if the knife guy hadn't turned off she was going to stop us under a pretext to let him pass, she also sat on the outside so that I could sit in the corner - physically placing herself between me and the rest of the room. I laughed when she asked if that was how guys feel and I had to say yes - every male becomes a potential threat, even though I knew I could never finish anything it was my duty to get in harms way to protect the women I was with.
    Overall I did feel self conscious - I do not think I pass in the couple of photos we took, but my sister and niece said that I absolutely did.  Apparently my false lashes looked amazing and I will now have to show my sister how to put them on because she cannot do them, but like any woman my age I was not caked in makeup and I was dressed properly - i had noticed that my sister stopped long enough to apply some lippy when she dropped her bag off too.
    The world did not stop - I did not get lynched, or shouted at, or spaton, or treated like I had an extra head (though a gull did poop on my sisters jacket)
    Tomorrow is the more overtly flamboyant day - I intend to wear my makeup and put on my nails and trans coloured wig and am considering wearing a skirt and top if they meet with my nieces approval. Then in the evening we will go out - though I only have a little black dress which could be too fancy.
    It is hard to say how I feel precisely - it felt so totally natural, apart from the times when I remembered that I was wearing a wig, or when I needed the loo - it was just like every other time i have gone out with my sister for something to eat - the difference tonight is that I was her sister too. I was glad to get home, going from the night air into the building made me sweat really quickly so I was glad for the ice in my drinks, I remain unconvinced about my ability to pass and yet even without makeup I seem to have had my wish to just be invisible. Just another person in the city having some food and enjoying a drink with her two friends.
    My married friends will be meeting up with me tomorrow and this is the first time they will see me out as Dee so I hope that they can be as nonchalant about it as my sister and niece were, my sister has a beautician with a trans sister and was talking about me telling her at her last visit - apparently the thing that struck her most was just how little she reacted to the ews, she was not overly shocked or surprised even though she had never seen me as anything other than male.  I have been offered to go and see the beautician any time and she will take care of me which is nice.  This evening was just so lovely - I am tired and sleepy but really wanted to record it before I sleep - more again tomorrow night if I remember!
    💋💖
  24. ScottishDeeDee
    Most of you will know that I tried to do a list like this at the beginning of last year and struggled to make more than a few bullet points from my childhood that I remember being centred around gender roles and my discomfort with them, but my counsellor has asked me to send it to her before our next session so tonight I thought I would look at it and see what I could remember, I wrote 10 pages!!! 😲 and that's condensing my marriage down to just a sentence or two.
     
    I am still unsure whether to add it into my main blog because it is so personal, but I decided to share this here specifically because it is a space for trans and questioning people and creating it this time round has made me have one of those rare lightbulb 💡 moments..
    Up until very recently I did not see myself as someone who had ever been abused, I always noted it with sadness when I saw it in other peoples stories, but I thought that it was one of those common "transgender" patterns that I did not fit when I first started questioning. I just didn't see myself as vulnerable.
    Then I realised in a recent counselling session that my ex wife had instinctively used gaslighting on me very effectively to manipulate me throughout our marriage, and that was the reason most of her friends became my friends and no longer talk to her; but then tonight I realised that actually my first sexual encounter was with another boy effectively taking advantage of me being naive I had just never thought of it that way.
     
    I grouped this list into rough age brackets and so while it isn’t quite chronological it hopefully has most of the important points covered up until recently.

     
    Primary/Infant school 
    When younger I would play dress up games with my sisters and perform songs and dramas and dances we made up, costumes were interchangeable, and I still have a love for drama and cosplay.
    I would also play with my little sisters dolls and often joined the girls in their games - homemaking and baking, doing handstands, cartwheels, roller skating, hop scotch and hula hooping. 
    When I was 10 I learned and performed a rockabilly style dance routine with my little twin sisters (8) in my aunts garden - I remember they were given these neon green and pink with black polka dot jive skirts with braces and I was so jealous of them. My aunts loved it but my dad was not impressed.
    I would share the bed with my big sister and calm her when she had nightmares (she was 2 yrs older than me)
    My mum did take me to brownies with her and my younger sisters for a short time and I also remember using the women's bathrooms when we were out at the cinema, because I was not allowed to go to the mens room on my own and she needed to watch us all. I don’t remember it being a big deal.
     
    I used to spend ages looking through my mothers clothing catalogues just because I like to look at the clothes and pretty dresses.
    I was somewhere between 10 and 12 when I first started trying on clothes that were left in the dirty laundry basket in the bathroom.
    My granny had taught me cross stitch and finger knitting, so I would make pom poms with my sisters. She would also pass me books to read, so I read everything from Sherlock Holmes and Readers Digest shorts to Mills and Boon novels and the Beano and Bunty. I never split things out into being for boys or for girls until I was older.
    I enjoyed baking with my mum. Though I hated being given jobs to do because I was the boy. (Taking bins out, getting rid of spiders and daddy long legs or the dead things the cat had brought in).
    I absolutely loved brushing and braiding my sisters hair as they had long waist length hair.
    I was quick to cry if something upset me and my dad would tell me to stop acting like a sissy.
     
    We moved a lot (every couple of years for my dad's scaffolding job) and I was often picked on for being the “new kid”, I was very quiet and socially awkward and when I was bullied it was my eldest sister who settled all the fights.
    My dad would yell at me for not hitting them back, often calling me a jessie or a big girls blouse for being sensitive or not sticking up for myself.
    Apparently I had quite a few girlfriends when I was younger but I think I really just enjoyed hanging out with them and kissing them.
    Once I started being bullied for not swearing I started paying more attention to fitting in and I learned to swear and point out someone else for the bullies to focus on. I always preferred imagination games and reading to sports or football.
     
    Academy/High School
    I loved drama at school even though it was not seen as a cool thing to do - I wore tights and leotards a few times (being a mice or a female character in the background) and found it nerve wracking but exciting, I played an ugly stepsister in a drama for German where I was the only boy in the class and appeared in full (over the top) makeup and a gaudy dress in front of the school, and was laughed at and called a Gaylord by the boys.
    I was once complimented by a girl doing my eye makeup for a play who told me that the shade really brought out the green in my eyes and I was genuinely over the moon.
    I grew my blond hair down to my shoulders and was often complimented by hairdressers about the fineness of my hair.
    I was still dressing in my sisters clothes at home but by now I had sometimes tried makeup and perfume and talking to myself in the mirror and as I went through puberty dressing started to take on a sexual thrill for me too imagining myself as a girl.
    I remember smiling when I was mistaken for a girl when working in a local supermarket (I was stacking the sandwiches by the front door and a child asked, “mummy whats that girl doing?” and her mum being totally mortified when I turned around and answered)
    I was never bothered about stacking the feminine hygiene products like some of the other boys seemed to be - I didn’t get why it was a big deal.
    The books “for girls” continued (I loved mysteries and the Nancy Drew and Famous Five books, also adult fiction that included graphic love scenes)
    By now I was consistently borrowing my sisters' clothes to dress up instead of my mums because I liked their styles more. 
    I still loved the look and feel of skirts, leotards, swimming costumes, lingerie, tights or stockings, but pretty tops and headbands and accessories too - there was a mixture of thrills from the risk, the reward of putting on makeup and tucking in an attempt to feminise myself and hide my maleness - often posing in front of the mirror, by now when I was looking through my mothers clothing catalogues I was fascinated by the lingerie and nightgown section.
    Once I was lying in my bedroom wearing a pair of my sisters tights and my dad walked in, I threw the duvet over me and he just walked out without saying anything, he never did say anything about it to me either.
    I would sneak some lipstick and eyeshadow and clothes and shoes and hide them in my bedroom (a caravan in the back garden at the time), a few times when I was 14 or 15 and it was really late at night I would style my hair back and put on the lipstick and eyeshadow along with the clothes I had stolen, usually a low cut top top and a mini skirt with tights and heels and I would go for a short walk just buzzing with excitement at the noise the heels made as I walked..
    We always lived in quiet sleepy villages or small towns and I never usually saw a soul though I do remember being followed part way home once and panicking in case my parents found out!


     
    The internet became faster and popular and we got a PC at home -  by now the boys at school were bragging about having sex and so I used to research the things they talked about - particularly different types of porn or sexual positions late at night to be able to blend in with my bragging male classmates and understand what they were talking about even though I was shy and quiet and blatantly not sexually active.
    I was incredibly self conscious about my body going through my teens, I was short and skinny (nicknamed Boney M by my parents growing up) but at school I was regularly called “gay” or gay boy, or faggot by the other boys and once one of them weed on me when we were showering after a swimming lesson, I would try to be either the first or the last in so I did not have to get changed with the others; but I made some good female friends that would hang out and just talk about anything and everything with and by upper school a few good male geeky friends too who also knew what it was like to be bullied.
    When my voice started to drop I would deliberately lower it as much as I could to make me sound more manly and tough and make people listen to me.
    One of my closest friends at the time touched me with my permission once during a sleepover at his house, I would have been around 13, and he persuaded me to give each other handjobs, but I did not like it because he did not know what to do and then he did not want me to touch him afterwards I never mentioned it to anyone and just assumed that all boys experimented at some point and that was how we decided if we were gay or not.
    It was at this point that friend moved away and I started investing time to learn more about football and rugby, and pool and smoking, and so at 14 I had my first drink in the park and started to use the same homophobic language and jokes that were used around me until I was old enough to realise it was all just posturing.
     
    My dad tried to show me how to do things with the car like fix the brakes and change the oil, or how to do DIY plumbing and joinery but although I wanted to spend time with him I had no interest in the subjects and even less talent for them.
    He gave up trying to watch football with me though we did watch westerns and action films together. He never showed my sisters any DIY or mechanical things, other than bump starting a car. 
    I was now old enough to be given my own room and kept apart from the girls when we went camping or sleeping anywhere.
    My mum would often make me do the man chores of getting the coal bucket refilled and the fire set, or weeding the garden when my sisters would not have to; but also she would make me do the laundry and clean the bathroom so that I would not grow up to be sexist like my grandfather.
     
    I could never be a lad’s lad, and always felt like an outsider, but I could stay in the middle of a group without too much issue by being incredibly dry and sarcastic and making folks laugh and I never backed down from a dare to prove I was mentally tougher than someone else if not physically. I was often told that I was easily led, getting into trouble and hearing the phrase, “If your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it to?”
     
    When other people were not around I would cry sometimes because I worried I would not find someone to love me and I dreamed of having a family.
    My eldest sister taught me to drink pints of lager to get me away from drinking alcopops and cider, and it was her who told me that saying I was homophobic wasnt something to be proud of and that I was just being ridiculous saying things I didn’t know anything about to try and fit in with people who didnt actually like or respect me. Thankfully I listened, I’d always looked up to my sisters.
     
    My dad died when I was 17 and going to college and at his funeral service, everyone kept telling me how much I looked like him, and what a wonderful man he was and that I was the man of the house now and it was my job to take care of them.
     
    I really took that to heart, and I remember telling my cousin and sister that I would be lucky to be half the man my father ever was, because he was well respected by everyone that came.
    By this point my younger sister had gone to uni and the eldest two had moved out so I was the one at home living with my mum and she started to lean heavily on me, she had a total breakdown and tried to commit suicide but I noticed something was wrong when I got in from work and I called an ambulance, there followed a period of about 10 years of repeated failed suicide attempts and me and my eldest sister trying to keep the family together and informed while keeping the house going. 
    Her first suicide attempt was the last time I cried at something for years, I learnt to just keep control and then cry when I could in safety without upsetting anyone.
    My mum more and more referred to me as her son and heir and her one and only, and her special boy, and was always telling me that I was just like my dad,  that only made me feel more of a fraud. Even though I couldn't say why.
    I moved out after a year because I could see my mum starting to lean on me a lot more as the only man in her life. A statement she repeats at me constantly.
     
    20's
    I was working in a call centre by now and had predominantly female friends - we would meet up between 1-3 nights per week at the local pub and enjoy going out dancing and singing karaoke. I usually drank vodka and lemonade with no ice because that’s what the girls were drinking, but made a big deal about not having a pint just to keep the ordering easy.
    Female friends often became friends with me to get to my male friends and vice versa - I was usually the non threatening, non sought after go between.
    I struggled with the act itself, but slept with my first female partner and she was in her 40’s with children only a few years younger than me. Of the three people I was active with before my marriage I never had a successful “first time” and was always much happier pleasing my partner.
    I was a couple of years older than the group as well and so I was the one people would come to for advice, or when they needed a shoulder to cry on, when they had something coming up that was important I would go clothes shopping with my female friends and give them outfit advice.
    I was once asked by a friend to help her find something for her boyfriend out of an Ann Summers shop because she wanted to surprise him.
    I have always preferred to play as female characters in my solo computer games, but used male characters online so that no one would know, though sometimes I would make up an excuse to play the woman in a fighting game.
    I have always worked in predominantly female areas (although I was the only male manager of 4 in the call centre it was a fairly good mix of genders, but I left that and entered social and care work and felt far more comfortable. I worked with people who were shy or had a physical or mental disability but wanted to get into work by profiling them and helping them to learn and use their strengths, and I helped homeless teens navigate the system so they could get a house and then taught them the lives skills to furnish it, and cook and clean on a budget.
     
    I was still researching online sites to blend in with the male pub talk, but by now the internet was moving towards broadband and video and I had seen or heard about most things that could possibly come up in casual conversation or jokes. 
    My late night browsing choices were usually geared towards the idea of becoming or being treated as a girl and wearing frilly dresses and being made up, whether from being forced or hypnotised or dared.
    I would buy female clothes online and be the woman in my fantasy then throw the clothes out in disgust.
     
    My friends and I almost always had Halloween costume parties, and I planned and bought clothes from the charity shops to dress as Velma from Scooby Doo one halloween and was equal parts relieved and gutted when the party in town was called off.
     
    Once I was in a friend's shower washing off stage makeup from a Harvey two face costume during a Halloween party and one of my friends came in and used the loo, she spent about 5 minutes chatting to me while I was in the shower. 
    She had been drinking, and we were not close friends, but she just did not see a problem with it.
    Another time I also helped the same person have to go to the loo when she was drunk, this ties in with me being safe to be around. I held her hair and her skirt so she could go without falling over and then made sure she got to her tent safely.
    During this time I got married, and had two children. 
    I hated whisky and taught myself to drink it in order to be able to get on with her dad, because he was a very practical and quiet man and he scared me.
    My wife asked me to have a vasectomy and I did so without hesitation or worries about losing my manhood, because it made total sense and was a lot easier for me. My dream of having a family had come true.
     
    I did a lot of the home making & child rearing both because I enjoyed it and while my wife was ill with Crohns or just not doing it.
     
    We had zero sex life once the children came along and she effectively controlled the marriage and who I saw as she was very jealous of my female friends, and I could not see what she was doing.
    Early in the marriage we saw a documentary about a crossdresser and his wife and she said if she ever caught me in her clothes she would leave me in a heartbeat.
     
    I kept my desires and dressing secret except for once or twice asking gentle questions or making semi-serious jokes about roleplaying in the bedroom - her interest in sex (with me anyway) was non existent for 10 out of 14 years of marriage.
    I constantly felt or was made to feel like a failure as a husband and a man, and no matter what I did or how hard I tried I just could not keep my ex happy. Even though everyone around me said I was a wonderful husband and a fantastic father I did not feel that at all, and it was used to control me.
     
    Sometimes I would order sexy clothes for her, pretending to myself that we would use them, and then I would wear them when she was not about, as her size fluctuated wildly I could always find clothes of hers to fit and I continued to dress secretly all through our marriage.
     
    I found myself joining in even more to the “mum” discussions about having and raising children, all the posts that would slag off the men because the women were left to get on with the actual work I could connect with, I did a lot of the night time feeding, most of the picking up and dropping off to schools, the story times, bedtimes and bathtimes, and most of the cooking and the cleaning while my wife would do little bits every now and again when things got too much for me..
     
    I started having funks - low points where work was hard to focus on and I did not have the energy to do anything, I never went to the doctors and never got formally diagnosed, but getting out of bed was tough, I was still able to keep up with the commitments, but that was because if I didn't sort the kids out they would not get done. My ex had frequent hospital stays and one of the things she got annoyed about was how easily I got into a routine in which she played no part. (I used to take the kids in every night after dinner to see her)
     The funks could last for months and would eventually go away, because the world never stopped moving and I just had to get on with it, but even though I had my low periods I kept a happy face on for the people around me and as the marriage wore on I gave up seeing my family, and my hobbies that took me out of the house and my friends and then even my wifes friends as she kept falling out with people and making me choose between her or them.
    During our marriage she left 3 times and each time she saw other people but I did not, the 2nd time it was when I was just starting to get my life back on track and she saw other people start being interested in me that she asked us to get back together, I have since found out that it was the same man she has seen for most of our marriage, though she would not admit it I believe I was just safe and comfortable and she was too scared to leave me properly, coming back when she got cold feet. It was only very recently I was finally able to admit that she as gaslighting me and even though she would not recognise it herself, others have pointed out that if it had been a man doing it to a woman it would have been called abuse.(they don’t know I’m transgender)
     
    30's
    The patterns of sometimes wearing my wife’s clothes when she was away or buying sexy female clothes telling myself they were for my wife and then I would “be her” in the fantasy continued.
    Occasionally dressing when I came home drunk and wearing her makeup and perfume while dressed as her, I would often find myself daydreaming about going out to clubs or cafes to dance or get coffee or a lunch out in town with the girls.
    I was still secretly playing games as female characters - only now they are much more realistic than in the past and can be customised to look exactly how you want to look.
    I did shift work and would wear my wifes clothes for emotional comfort when she was in hospital for extended periods. Things Like wearing PJ’s around the house to watch romance films and eat popcorn, even painting my nails and spending days “as a woman” in the house, just lounging around and only going back to wearing mens clothes or deodorant when I had to.
     
    I went through the training and was ordained into ministry and the aspects I am naturally gifted towards are pastoral care, Meyers Briggs has me as an INFP and I always read and react to the atmosphere and people in the room and then think about the causes and what can be done afterwards. It is a profession that allows me to be more of myself without pretending to be tough or uncaring, but also one whose members are evenly split 50/50 in their acceptance of or hatred towards the LGBTQ+ community.
    I have never spent a single moment doubting God’s love for me, but I have had more than a few sleepless nights wondering how I will be able to continue when literally  half of the people who have supported me so far will think I am just plain crazy.
     
    Three months before I turned 40 my wife left me for the third time.  She sat me down and said that things were not working out, that we were just roommates and not a couple and that the thought of being physical with me disgusted her and made her sick, I was in one of my down periods anyway and had been for a couple of months, but overall thought life was just getting onto an even keel after moving house and changing jobs. She refused to get counselling and told me I had some issues I needed to work through and moved out taking only the things she needed with her, but asking me to move her things for her over the next few weeks. (which I did).
    After 3 weeks she announced she was seeing someone (the male friend she has known for years and was with last time we separated) 
    I struggle to feel angry but accept my marriage is not salvageable this time round, and realise that I have well and truly tried everything I could to keep the marriage going and that it is not my fault that it didn’t work..
     
    One month later I was invited to a fancy dress D&D party as a random woman character and enjoyed being a girl in public for the first time ever.
     
    I spent the whole month ordering and collecting bits for the costume, taking a typical slutty halloween costume and adding leggings and a long sleeve leotard and boots. 
    I totally removed all of my body hair for the first time ever and wore a bra stuffed with socks and panties that I had bought specifically not to show through the leggings  even though I didn’t really need to.
    I wanted to be seen as a woman, but did not want to look ridiculous, I looked up how to feminise your voice on Youtube and stopped using most of the mannerisms I put on. The party was great and other than my son everyone gave me a lot of compliments, including being able to walk down a steep hill to the house in heels. I realised at the end of the night that I just did not want to go back to wearing my man clothes. I didn’t really enjoy being D.
     
    I was equal parts shy and delighted to show off pictures of me to my friends who all wanted to see how I looked, they all know I put effort into costumes and I am always keen to dress up so it was not out of the ordinary, but one of the women told me I should have worn tights and not leggings and next time to just keep an extra pair on me in case they laddered.
     
    That thought of “next time” stuck with me.
    As it started to come back in I suddenly realised I do not want to grow my body hair back, in fact I hate it. I have always loathed shaving and once or twice I had used depilatory cream on my chest for a laugh. It always grew back fast and I was known for being that hairy bald guy.
    I started looking up information on transvestism, being gender fluid and finally transgender.
    I started packing up the last of my wifes clothes to send them to her and started trying on some outfits and one of her wigs and surprised myself by looking at a smiling and really contented woman in the mirror.
     
    40’s
    Since then I started blogging as Sadie and joined a Transgender Forum site  - I discovered others had similar thoughts and life experiences and they already knew they were transgender and many either had already or are in process of transitioning. Not everyone used to blow out the candles on their cake and wish for boobs like a lot of the Youtube narratives seemed to suggest.
    The first thing I needed to do was decide if I liked dressing purely for sexual thrills and so with  some encouragement I started under dressing to see if I liked it - I ordered bras, cotton everyday knickers, and socks and found myself becoming calmer.
    I started wearing clear nail polish and womens deodorant - 2 years on I cannot bring myself to wear mens aftershave anymore.
     
    I then started buying practical female clothes because I wanted to wear them and discovered my sizes are fairly average, I would put on a dress or leggings and a t shirt and just finish the housework or sit and read or watch TV without any of the sexual thrill I had always assumed was the reason behind dressing and I still felt great doing it..
     
    I did some research and was too scared to contact the NHS as it would then be on my medical file, but started working with an openly trans friendly counsellor online from England - I used male pronouns and dress, but with her help I started to use my female gaming characters online as well - instead of having 2 saves. I worked through some of my doubts about being transgender and she helped me to realise that a lot of my doubts were really just fear of what other people would think of me alongside fear of the unknown.
    She was the first person I ever dressed in front of and who used female pronouns, and it was when she did that I realised I had to take this further and call the GIC to involve the NHS (I was too scared to go through my local GP and was thankfully able to self refer).
     
    I told the older two sisters I was questioning my gender and was given wonderful support, my eldest sister even gave me some 2nd hand clothes to try on and they bought me women hand lotion and pjs for Christmas - I loved them!
    In January 2019 I started to accept I am not cisgender and therefore must be trans in some way.
     
    I started using DeeDee online, after my sister called me it a few times over chat - I really love being perceived and treated as a woman in all my online interactions.
    I wore female jeans and a ladies jumper in front of my sister at Christmas and both of us felt normal.
    I also told two long term couples that are friends of mine and they were both incredibly supportive of me, but were also pleased that I was exploring counselling as they found it a total shock. To them I will always be me, it would just be the outside that will change.
     
    I now regularly dress in female clothes at home, though only sometimes do I wear full makeup and a wig to just do housework, or read as that seems excessive, but I find it does relax and centre me - I really feel like when I am in male clothes, that is when I am “dressing up”.
    I contacted the GIC and made my initial appointment but had to wait until October for the appointment.
    In February I drove 30 minutes away from my home, to a secluded woodland walk with my makeup done and my ladies clothes hidden underneath a baggy hoody before putting my wig and trainers on and going for a short forest walk. This was the first time I had ever left the house as DeeDee in the daylight and although it was terrifying the walk itself was a total non event, I smiled at one other woman as we passed each other, but it was just how normal it felt that struck me.
    In March I started electrolysis, regardless of how my questioning went I knew I hated my facial hair, but when my appointment came the electrologist kept asking why I wanted it done, and it just slipped out that I thought I was probably transgender and this was something I just needed to do as everyone said it takes ages.
     
    In May I went down to my nieces and spent a whole weekend as DeeDee at a regional Pride event. The whole weekend was incredible, I went out for dinner without makeup with my eldest sister and niece, we spent the day at the event I did not feel self conscious and I also met up with the couple I had told at Christmas for drinks and we went out for the night (with the proviso that if I felt uncomfortable they would take me home and no harm no foul). A lot of my self doubts disappeared as I realised that it would not have felt so right and natural for me if it was purely a sexual fetish or a way to escape my emotional problems and the whole weekend start to finish was just amazing.
     
    By August I had to stop the electrolysis to pay for my half of the divorce fees but the GIC appointment was getting closer. By October 9th I was a nervous wreck and couldn’t eat lunch, I hated that I had to arrive as male me and use my male name, but that was how I had made the appointment and I was paranoid about someone phoning the house. It was hard having a student doctor in to a meeting I had lost sleep over, but given the waiting time the more folks that qualify in gender issues the better so I spent something like 2 hours just getting everything off my chest and was so grateful at the end of the appointment that I just wanted to hug FG for listening, even though she did state she wasn't a psychologist and really just needed the info to know how best to help me, but then I realised I was still dressed as a man and that is not appropriate so I just sort of awkwardly left.
     
    The opportunities to go out as DeeDee were few and far between and it just did not happen, but I had started taking a spare suitcase anywhere with me on the off chance that I would be brave enough to go out as DeeDee somewhere.
     
    In March 2020 I had a work meeting and stayed in a B&B in Edinburgh and went out for the night as DeeDee to the cinema, I walked there and back (though back was terrifying!) and I even had to talk to the cashier to hand in a lost credit card, though my voice is far too masculine sounding it was a wonderful night and I never got hassled once.
     
    My blog journal now has over 100 posts in it and since lockdown started I have done a lot of reading around the science of being transgender and the realisation that while it is still a relatively unknown field there is evidence to prove the “I identify as a wheelie bin brigade” wrong if you spend even a short time reading about difficulty of gender classification in species biology and the massive part hormones play in developing our gonads and our brains in the womb.
    There are no doubt other things that I will only remember if the time and cirumstances present themselves, but it is so much easier now to see that I have devoted my life trying to be what other people have wanted me to be to the point that I just stopped paying attention and my body found its own ways to cope.
  25. ScottishDeeDee

    What a wonderful week!

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    GIC
    Ten hrs of electrolysis, unexpectedly getting my ears pierced. Buying the first binder for my NB child and feeling so happy when they told me that they feel comfortable talking to me about gender stuff, and then this afternoon I was given the ok to start HRT. My prescription will get sent to my house and then I can get it filled anywhere I like!!!
    Tonight after seeing a colleague tweet that they were an ally and a safe space on Nationalcomingoutday I sent them a wee message saying I was trans. I was never scared to tell her, but hopefully this will let her know that people do read posts like that and it can make a difference.
    Mentally and emotionally it is exhausting, even though I have adrenaline dumped in my system right now.
    I'm looking forward to this extra energy I am supposed to get lol.
    YAY!!!
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