Tilly

Tonight is the first time my wife stormed out of the bedroom when I came to bed...I'm laying here crying wondering if this is the sign that it's over...If it's best for her then so be it, I have already know that I am not wearing women's clothes just for the sake of it, nor do I want to hurt anyone just because of this. There is just no way that I could purge just to make her happy, but it's ripping me apart knowing that I am upsetting her. She will not even talk to me right now.

Thank you all for your honest experiences...I'm glad I'm here getting to hear that I'm not the only 'freak' in the world... What's so wrong about wanting to relax in leggings and a yoga top anyways, right?

I hope that's where she's at, but it was her comment tha made me start wondering what was going on with myself...In some ways, I wonder if she thought this was happening for quite a while...I too am as mentally prepared as I can be I can be for divorce, but all I have figured out is a place to crash, not a place to live. I wish she could go with me when I actually fully embrace myself as Tilly to see how much more relaxed and happy I am. I can't even bring myself to ask her to come because she would probably do everything In her power to prevent me from seeing my friends in a setting in which I can fully dress.

So, I have been paying attention to how my wife acts, she doesn't even want to look at me. She will not kiss me at all, and only reluctantly allowing me ko kiss her forehead or cheek. As much as I love her and want her to love me for who I am, I am really wondering if there is anything left there to save. Even before I came to the realization of why I was so uncomfortable in my skin we had only had sex a couple of times per year over the past five or so years. When I tried to snuggle into her, she tells me that she feels smothered, even before so of this came out. I would like to try to make this work out, partly because of our 7 year old daughter, but it is starting to feel more like a roommate arrangement then a marriage. Still here, and less confused, Tilly

I know, but there is also one person st work that I do not want finding out. More for his protection then mine, I just don't want to be the reason someone loses their job.

Actually, yesterday, I found out that the company is looking for a new assistant for me (well, whoever is operating the machine that I run). I figured I should probably see if my supervisor could get as much of a read as he could on getting someone that would be friendly to the LGTBQ community and explained why it was probably a good idea. He said he would see what he could do and let me know that his 21 year old son (biological male) is going through a similar situation. I'm glad I took the chance, but I know it could have been a disaster. Still hanging in there, Tilly

I am still looking for a therapist though...regardless of how wonderful my friends are (both here and in real life,) I still believe a professional would help get through this with less agony. Tilly

For the bravery issue, I have lucked into the most understanding group of friends I could ever ask for. My biggest regret is that my friends have probably seen more of the real me then my wife. Out of respect for her (and the sanity of our daughter) I have limited my change in clothing around her to undergarments.

Well, I came out to my wife tonight. The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed. She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing. I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized what my history and current feelings were. I was so terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I still might) that I had a bag packed with a couple of days worth of work clothes. She asked if I had been wearing her clothes, I could honestly say that I had not (though she has a few things in her closet that I wouldn't mind borrowing), After her initial reaction, I left her in the bedroom and curled up in the recliner in our living room with a throw blanket and cried. I called a friend of mine that I have talked about earlier and he was able to get me calmed down, we talked for like two and a half hours (I am right now thanking God that I have wonderful friends, even if they came into my life recently). While on the phone with my friend I realized that one of these days I might forget to take my bra off getting ready for work and crying started again when I realized that they might see it. I don't know if this is a justified fear or if I should talk to my supervisor in private, or even if I should make it a non issue and just start wearing a bra to work. I know that I am not as far along as a lot of you girls around here, but thanks for comments, concerns, and a few answers. As always, all my love, Tilly

I came across your post at the perfect time. Right now I don't want to go into detail here, but thank you for your help.

Thank you Emma, that I s so close to me through college. Obviously some of the details are a little different, but it looks very familiar.

When my wife caught me wearing a bra, she asked me if I was going to transition. Before that moment, I had not even considered the idea of wearing women's clothing as anything other than a dirty little secret. At the time, I stated vehemently, "No, I had no intention of becoming a woman," however, her question started my mind stirring. I have been in turmoil for the week and a half since, but I am starting to come to terms with my gender fluidity. The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that when I was younger (8-12 years old) I would "borrow" my sister's bathing suit, bra, and panties at different times when I was home alone and could get away with it. I now realize that I did that without getting aroused, and that was the whole point when I did it the first couple of times. Later on, I would even wear one of the bras to school under a t shirt and a sweatshirt and was not only comfortable, I was more relaxed. In the early '90s, that would have been considered very taboo. I bought (online) and started wearing a sports bra again under a sweatshirt at home fairly recently because of the memories I had of feeling secure. Again, I felt like I was getting a hug from an old friend, and have been wearing it full time except for at work (I cannot wear long sleeves on the sweatshirt around the equipment I work with due to safety concerns) and might eventually even at work if I decide to start living full time in a more feminine form, however that frightens me beyond belief because of what coworkers might think or how they would react. I posted before about hanging out with friends dressed, and though I know it isn't in public, the walk from the car to the front door was an ancient time until I realized that no one would think twice about a girl in an ankle length denim skirt wearing a hooded sweatshirt in 30 degree weather. These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime. If anyone would have told me two weeks ago that I was going to identify as part of the LGTBQ community, I would have said they were nuts. But as of now, I am becoming more and more comforted that there is that community and that you are here helping me along on my new life path. I thank you for all your support, Tilly

Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am. Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short. If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better. Ok, to get started, I am Tilly. I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things. My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time. I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT). I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful. I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful. They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket. I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.