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Blackangel Happenings

A blog by Blackangel in General

  • Entries

    35

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    80

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    492,422

Entries in this blog

Blackangel Happenings

I’m Autistic

I’ve debated on posting this or not for about a year now, and finally figured, what the heck, why not? So last March (2024) I found a place in St Louis that tests adults. So I scheduled an appointment and went in. The woman evaluating me ran me through a couple tests to get a read. We were together for about an hour or hour and a half. She made sure that I knew there were neither right nor wrong answers to anything that we went over. So while I was nervous I just went in honest and hoped th
Blackangel Happenings

This is REALLY weird

I’ve been trying to form a smile today, but I don’t have the physical ability to do it. It’s been decades since the last time I actually smiled. It’s not that I choose not to. But I’ve always had my face in a blank expression, or an angry one. I honestly don’t know how to make that happen anymore. I don’t smile because I usually just don’t. I’m numb as it is, but I didn’t know a person could lose this kind of ability.
Blackangel Happenings

Slipped into the ninth circle of Hell

I bruised my left lung about a week ago. The pain is so extreme that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Breathing is excruciating. Moving is excruciating. I have to sleep sitting upright because if I lay down the pain in trying to get up is so severe that all I can do is scream and fall back down on the bed. So I’m going to be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. Extra Strength acetaminophen has pretty much become like candy. My doctor is sending a scrip to the pharmacy. This pai
Blackangel Happenings

I wish I was Cis

I’m so envious of cis people that it’s about to make me cry. They were born correctly, whereas we weren’t. We are the ones lucky enough to have had things go horribly wrong in utero. Cis people obviously have it easier, but more importantly they identify with their gender. They have the correct anatomy. As I said in a post recently, I want the uterus, cervix, ovaries, etc. The woman who has that is making me green with envy. I hate being halfway to who I should have been. By that I mean my mind
Blackangel Happenings

Education is all but illegal in America

Where did we go wrong? How did we devolve into such a state that simple education is threatened by bigots? History and science are all but gone from the entire curriculum. Kids today will have no clue what a chromosome is, or what the civil war was. This is one of the most sickening times in recent American memory. There was even a man who wanted to eliminate math for being “woke”, whatever that is. When I was a kid, they didn’t hold back. They told us what American history was like. And they di
Blackangel Happenings

How do I forget her

I’m having a hell of a time getting my ex out of my mind. I don’t know why, but she’s in my mind constantly. I can’t get her out. We broke up more than 20 years ago. But she is invading my mind and thoughts all the time. I ended things because I caught her cheating on me. I was in love with her. She broke my heart. But the memories are like locusts. They violate my thoughts every day. I think “What if….” all the time. I don’t know how to get rid of her. Adrianne isn’t happy about it, but says sh
Blackangel Happenings

Is this wrong of me?

I’m laying here in bed with Adrianne. We were talking, and I asked her what I’m going to ask here. Is it wrong of me to wish I had never come out, and just continued to live as a man? It would be so incredibly much easier, but a lot more miserable too. I just don’t know what to think. So is it wrong of me to wish I had kept it to myself. That would be easier…… right? I guess I’m just scared to death about all the 🤬 that is happening against us. I fear for our lives just checking t
Blackangel Happenings

The worst day of my life

My pitbull Lady had to be put down today. It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet, despite the fact that I’ve been bawling my eyes out all day. I wish it had been me who died today instead of her. I want to die. Life’s not worth living without her. She was my goddess. My heart and soul. I fell in love with her the instant I saw her picture online all those years ago. It’s been more than 10 years, but that was still not enough time. I’m going to find the best portrait artist in the country, and get her
Blackangel Happenings

Satanism Is Actually HEALTHY

I am Satanic. I'm also Hellenistic, but we'll put that aside for this discussion. I'm a card carrying member of The Satanic Temple (TST). TST itself is a very active "church" if you will. We host protests and petition for religious equality and bodily autonomy. You have probably heard of the protest to place a Baphomet statue alongside the ten commandments monument on the grounds of the state capitol in Arkansas. Our view was that if one religion had the right to erect it's monument, then a
Blackangel Happenings

Constant Shootings

This country has gone completely loco. It used to be really rare for a shooting like we see now. Especially school shootings. Now they’re almost a daily occurrence. It seems that the most dangerous ages to be are from 3 to 9 years old. Children are in extreme danger anymore. If I was a parent, I would find the money to pull my kid out of school and hire a tutor. It seems that’s the only way to keep kids safe.    Why the hell is this happening? That’s what I want to know. I’m also wonderin
Blackangel Happenings

By the Gods, I hate me

I can’t stand this anymore. I hate myself so much. I hate myself because I’m crippled. I hate myself because I’m poor. I hate myself because I was the bottom of the bottom class. I hate myself because I’m transgender. I can’t stand anything about myself anymore. There is nothing redeemable about this worthless corpse. I don’t warrant any kind of self worth. So many times I feel like leaving and going back to living on the streets. Dumpster diving for food. Filling up 2 liter bottles for wat
Blackangel Happenings

It's Unreal.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this. I downloaded an app tonight called FaceApp. it allows you to do pretty much anything you want with a picture. Which includes seeing what you would look like as the "opposite" gender. It measures your features, and shows a realistic pic that could be achieved. So I took a selfie (I still look like a mule's rectum) and put it in the app. I found the gender swap feature. Holy freaking hell. I would be after this girl. Unlike me, she is gorgeous. Just ch
Blackangel Happenings

Once Upon A Time..... A Lesson Was Taught And Learned

Once upon a time, there was a foolish traveler who had gone on a journey. Why was he foolish? Well, because he was fooled by everyone he met! Everywhere he went, people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveler fell for every one of them. Please, some money for medicine… ? I have a sick younger sister… I don’t have money to buy seeds to plant in my fields. Pretty soon, his money, his clothes, even his shoes had been cheated away from
Blackangel Happenings

I wish the mind was elastic

My memory is so short and weak it’s mind boggling. I know that I will lose my train of thought and forget what I’m talking about several times in this post. I can remember next to nothing as I have no immediate and very little short term memory. The only things I can ever recall are things I would much rather forget. I wish my mind was elastic so it could stretch further. Because at the point it’s currently stretched to, it’s about to snap. Every time I speak these days, I screw up everything I’
Blackangel Happenings

Another disease to add to the list

I've had an open sore in my armpit for about 2 months now. Dermatology has, until a couple days ago, been unable to explain it. Finally I saw a different dermatologist, and was able to get a diagnosis. I have an autoimmune disease called pyoderma gangrenosum, or PG for short. It's a disease that attacks the skin and opens up ulcers that are extremely painful. Having had to experience it, I can definitely say that they are painful. If I move my right arm at the shoulder, it feels like the skin is
Blackangel Happenings

My Family Is Beautiful

I'm not sure what is making me post this blog entry, but I just have to. I want to talk about my family. There are 6 people. That's all the family I have.   I'll start with my wife, Adrianne. She found me when I was just a couple months clean. She has done more for me than she honestly should have. She takes care of me in ways that I never could have thought someone would. She has been my rock for 17 years come October. She supports me in everything I do and everything I am. i hav
Blackangel Happenings

Broken Mirrors

I don’t know what the purpose of this post is. Maybe none. I don’t know who, what, or where I am anymore. I look in the mirror for help, but there is no one looking back at me. I don’t know how to make sense of what’s going through my head nonstop. A little further. Stop. Turn around. Stop. Full steam ahead. Stop. Where the hell do I go if none of those directions are fulfilling? Who am I? I wish by the Gods I could answer that. Am I the same loser I always was from my first memory until th
Blackangel Happenings

Redemption For A Racist

I've given a bit of insight in other blog entries to my upbringing. Well being taught racism from the moment I was born was a large part of it. Specifically towards black people. You all know the words that were common. Until a couple months ago, those words came out of my mouth more casually than "Hello" comes out of yours. I'm not even close to exaggerating. I learned it for 18 years. I unsuccessfully fought it for the next 20. Then something happened. I collect skulls. This will be relev

The Absolute Worst Thing I Have Ever Done - TRIGGER WARNING

I just want to ask everyone not to hate me after reading this. I know any respect I have gotten will be gone, and I will lose friends, but the time has come for me to get this off my chest. When I was a kid, I was taught hate. I was taught that if someone wasn't a straight, white, cis, Christian, that they were to be hated and treated cruelly. Since that was all I knew from the cradle, that's what I believed. I was dealing with a lot of feelings that I refused to acknowledge. I'm bi

Don't want the truth? Don't come to me.

I speak my mind. I always have. That has upset a lot of people too. I don't sugarcoat or beat around the bush. I hate it when people do that. I don't want people to do that with me, so why would I do it with them. I don't care if it's going to hurt my feelings. The only way I can grow and improve is with the unaltered truth. If I try to sing a song, and sound like I'm going through a garbage disposal ass first, then for the love of the Gods, tell me. But if you want me to sugarcoat something, it
Blackangel Happenings

Placed In Hell 20+ Years Ago. Still Not Out. - TRIGGER WARNING: DARK

You might think I'm exaggerating. You might think I'm fantasizing. But this isn't a fantasy. Nor is it an exaggeration. This is Hell on earth. When I was in my junior year, I started noticing people in the town I went to school in acting strange when they saw me. I at first thought they realized that I would just as soon stomp them than look at them. I thought they would finally back off and leave me the * alone. I was more than off. Apparently, someone in school had gotten the bright

I Have To Rave About Her

I have to rave about my Lady. She is the love of my life. Non-human that is. I was online several years ago, and just looking at pets available for adoption, when I came across her picture. It was love at first sight. I immediately grabbed Adrianne and we went to the Humane Society to meet her. It was obvious that it was love at first sight for her too. Adrianne and I both knew she was coming home with us. But she had to meet the chihuahuas to make sure they would get along OK. For some reason,

Dying Inside More Every Day

Every day I get lower and lower in spirits. Life is increasingly less valuable to me. I don’t know what to do. I know suicide does nothing but pass the pain on. I don’t want to do that to her, but I’m wearing down so much that I’m starting to lose the will to go on. Star stopped me long ago, but he’s no longer here. I feel like I have absolutely nothing left to live for. Love is an illusion anymore, it seems. The more I think, the less I have to find happiness in. I’m not materialistic. I have w

A Sad Realization

I'm watching Family Guy on Hulu right now. In the episode the guys are texting. Joe texts a video of a guy in a wheelchair going up a ramp real fast, doing a backflip, and landing it. I looked at my chair, which is a powerchair, and thought, "There's no way this could do it. This thing's too heavy. Then I realized what the situation I'm in is. I'm in a wheelchair because I can't walk. I'm 38 years old and have been in a wheelchair for 2 years now. I'm 38 and in a wheelchair. I have Myo

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