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About this blog

This is Bree's journal talking about how life changes, and how you grow with them (probably with the occasional freakout, I'm good at panic mode too!).  Life has been hard since day one, and not doing it alone is the key!

Entries in this blog

Autumn Sad

Sometimes cliches exist for a reason, and as excited as I get when the pool goes up, as happy as I am in it all summer, I never really hit the full depth of how much that pool means to me as when I am facing the oncoming autumn and knowing it's about to go away for a long, cold winter.  So I'm frantically swimming as many days at the sky will let me, and trying to store away every moment of pool joy to mull over in my winter blankets.  And I'm reminded it's not just a pool.  It was a lifelong dr
Briannah

Briannah

2

Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try.

Just cut ties with my father.  I've talked about him and the complicated relationship before, and why I didn't really know what I was holding onto.  Well, he finally pushed that last button and I went nuclear.  He called me stupid again, which I'm used to really, over my belief that we have to do better as a nation to care for people.  There aren't enough jobs.  They are getting shipped overseas en masse.  The old get a job rhetoric is a joke, and there is no reason anyone should be homeless and
Briannah

Briannah

6

Still alive! :)

Seriously, contrary to facebook rumors, Bree is alive and well.    It's just...summer.  I can go outside.  WOOHOO!  Winter gets very long when you are cooped up and can't go outside without entering the er from the cold-induced asthma attack.  Anyone here have asthma and know what I mean?  Not being able to breath very suddenly sucks.  So I have spent the last couple months outside with Nikki nearly continuously.  (Yes, we should all be worrying about global warming, our local weather has gone v
Briannah

Briannah

5

Opening those cans of worms.

Had a crossroads moment, and finally ventured on to the harder path.  Helping Nikki deal with his issues and history is making me take hard looks at my own.  Some can't be conquered, but they can be mitigated.  Or at the very least, it can be said 'that was NOT okay'.  My parents are divorced, they have been since I was very young, around 4.  I don't think either were very happy in the marriage, but it ended because my father cheated on my mother.  And who outed him?  Me.  Yes, he was so interes
Briannah

Briannah

7

Can it really be...summer???

So I think summer has finally hit.  Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming.  But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season.  We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well.  Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else t
Briannah

Briannah

3

I want today to be a good day.

Today is 18 years since that first date.  I took the day off, and Nikki took Sunday off, and we're going to have a three day weekend together.  I want it to be awesome.  I want him to actually enjoy himself, and have a good time, and to reconnect about something fun instead of trying to manage all the things going on, just for a few days.  Here's hoping. 
Briannah

Briannah

4

So, a bit of progress has finally been reached.

We came away from Nikki's doctors today with the awareness that diabetes might be rearing it's ugly head, that part is pretty unpleasant, but on a brighter note we also came away with a prescription for Zoloft to help with the biological part of the dysthymia.  FINALLY!  I hope this stuff works, I hope none of the potential bad side effects manifests, I just want Nikki to be better.  And, in a weird way, I am happy it took this long.  The doctor was thorough making sure she's giving him the righ
Briannah

Briannah

1

So...everything is formalized.

As of August 31st I'll be going back to being a house turtle for Nikki.  Just knowing there is an end has lifted a lot of the stress of it all.  On top of my add issues and everyone thinking I'm stupid, there is a lot of bias because they're all Christians and I'm an atheist (something I did NOT introduce into any conversations, but my supervisor who is also my aunt did), I'm a liberal in a conservative group (same deal, I had no need to discuss things at work, but she apparently felt the need t
Briannah

Briannah

2

Well, crap.

So.  Since we both have tomorrow off, and I was feeling the joy of having time to get some things done, and its' a gorgeous day outside, we decided to clear off the porch of all the winter and home improvement debris that has collected on it.  It was going well when we were moving the cardboard boxes off the porch to take to the van when we found...kittens.  Yup.  Six tiny little kittens about twice the size of a gerbil.  Have I mentioned my neighborhood has a stray cat problem?  So we called ar
Briannah

Briannah

1

Turned in my story.

Writing that was hard.  I tried to be overly articulate, and it was crap. I tried to write it like a report, and that was crap.  Finally I just freeform wrote it, fixed typos, and e-mailed it without reading it over and over and judging myself.  Writing it reminded me how scary a trip this all was, and also made me see how much progress I'd made.  I"m not angry anymore.  I'm still working on that full trust, but that takes time.  Admitting to my fears and problems with the things people have sai
Briannah

Briannah

2

Ugh.

I do not have the time to have some kind of stomach flu on mothers day.  Must get my innards under control and soldier on.  People are expecting calls, and while I've hit the point I don't necessarily care anymore, I do care about not making my life difficult.  *headdesk*  My timing, as ever, is incredible.  Blow out my intestings adn surgery on the third of july, massive actual case of influenza (the real stuff, not the tummy kind) for my birthday and anniversary one year, stomach flus on chris
Briannah

Briannah

0

Working on my story.

So I'm writing this one slowly, trying to gather the whole thing into a coherent narrative for Erica Ravenwood.  Because when I was first struggling with my new reality, and it was scary and terrifying and I didn't know what was going to happen, I went looking for the stories of other people in my shoes.  But...they were stunningly hard to find.  And when I did find them they were usually stories told  years later after a long period of painful adjustment framed in such a way as to show that mar
Briannah

Briannah

1

Let's stop judging the ones on the outside society.

Between sitting on the sidelines while Nikki sorts out himself and our entire future, and watching my friend whose basically been soloing a marriage for years and a complete tantrum and horribly ongoing vilifying is thrown every time she points out her needs haven't been met in years because 'she doesn't understand what he is suffering' (while he continues to smoke, not do his therapy, not do his rehab physical work, and eat in ways that aggravate his illness daily), I've come to realize my earl
Briannah

Briannah

3

Being the parrtner sucks.

Nikki is going through some serious painful topics in therapy, nothing I can do.  Not a thing.  He has to sort all of it out, and it will be good for him, but I'm not stupid, he's hurting and nothing I can say or do can take that away until he works through it all.  I'm here, ready with the comfort and the hugs and the reinforcement, but that only goes so far.  I suspicion everyone here knows that.  The sheer helplessness sucks.  I WANT to be able to help him, to make it all better, and make all
Briannah

Briannah

2

Switch flipped.

Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now.  So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode.  It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement.  So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer.  Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to
Briannah

Briannah

0

I'm still alive, just struggling to recover from losing our cat.

I thought I was doing better, then I came home from work today, and there it was, on the table, Nikki had picked it up.  The box. My cat is in a box.  And I'm just losing it all over again.  Because the reality that my cat is IN that box.  And that there will be more boxes as time goes by.  I think I tried to bottle it up too hard to be there for Nikki, to be calm and comforting, and the reality of it came crashing down with that box.  It's a nice box.  With a plaque with her name on it and the
Briannah

Briannah

5

Laugh, Cry, or just kill the neighbors.

Seriously, some days I don't even know.  Nikki has gotten a diagnoses, so that's good, however, he's been on a roller coaster of moods because next she wants to talk about the childhood abuse.  So from moment to moment I have very little idea what is going on in his head right now  and keep 'stepping in it' as it where.  I wish I was better with the random, he needs support not clumsy right now.  The dog comes in last night, and apparently found something that died horribly and instead of avoid
Briannah

Briannah

2

So. Much. Change.

There are huge, sweeping changes we have to make to our day to day lives.  Me exiting the working force changes our financial bad habits, and getting those under control is never easy.  All the prep work I have to do to exit the job for the person after me.  Supporting Nikki's depression recovery required a lot more changes.  Meeting his desire to change his poor social habits still more.  Figuring out how to fit girl time into all this crazy.  Trying to overcome the dysmorphia and bad health ha
Briannah

Briannah

2

Rough week.

So last week sucked, lost our Yuriko.  The day of her vet appointment she was having seizure after seizure and we knew we were definitely taking her to the Final Visit, no hail mary last minute outs for my little kitty girl.  The offspring met us at the vet's to say goodbye and be with her as she went.  Horribly painful thing to do, but watching her the way she was was worse.  Nikki has been incredibly down and not much I do can help until time does it's work here.  Talked with Nikki about my st
Briannah

Briannah

4

FInally feeling on more secure footing.

Just thinking about where i am today with Nikki.  THis is probably rambly and nonsensical as my add levels are high today and it's hard to focus.  It thought writing may help, but now I'm not entirely sure. So after a crazy whirlwind of two months, things have settled down greatly, progress is being made, and that feeling of living in a crisis (as far as Nikki is concerned, don't even get me started on the cat or the yard or house maitenance!) has mostly dropped away.  Both of us are occasionall
Briannah

Briannah

1

And woke up to life going off the rails again today.

Sometimes I just don't feel appropriate emotions to what is happening.  My best freind's husband is on suicide watch, and I really care for her, but not so much for him anymore.  He doesn't listen to the doctors.  He treats her like crap.  He makes no effort to get better, and spends a lot of time telling me how awful a wife she is, bragging about the time he had an affair, and other things that I honestly would have divorced the dude over, but she just sighs and says that's how he is.  She dese
Briannah

Briannah

3

Reflective Bree

The first time I realized that being a girl was different than the boys was when I was in fourth grade.  If I remember right, that made me around 10?  11?  Growing up, I had a big group of mixed friends.  I liked the games, toys, and kids in both sides of the fence pretty equally, and never really thought much about any differences other than for whatever reason the other girls and I weren't allowed to run around topless in the summer like the boys, even though we all looked the same there, and
Briannah

Briannah

2

And that week of work is finally over.

SERIOUSLY I hate my job.  Nikki did the math, and barring any unforeseen financial emergencies (I can hear the peanut gallery laughing at the girl who thinks life is going to cooperate and nothing major will break in the last five months) it's looking like August is my exit day.  This week was just stupid.  Paperwork going wrong, customers being weird, half the people on vacation, half of who was left getting seriously ill.  If I have to forcibly tell one more person "I am reception/accounts rec
Briannah

Briannah

2

Happy Birthday Nikki!

The most important thing about today is its Nikki's birthday!   So obviously an important day to me.  I took him to lunch at Pizza Hut and we splurged on brownies.  No diets on birthdays!  Lol.  Right now he's playing the video game I got him Knights of Azure.  He was really interested in it for the female/female love story so I knew he had to have it!   It's cute so far I'm watching him play chilling out with my IPad.  He likes it when I hang out in here with him vs going to the computer room.
Briannah

Briannah

6

Cat crisis averted, for the time being.

So...I'm starting to feel like some kinda superhero or something.  Nikki was messaging me all day, he's really upset about how the cat is doing, she's hasn't been eating and getting skinnier and skinnier.  So I told him stop at the pet store and get kitten canned food.  Which he couldn't find, so we settled on Iams.  The reason I was trying to find kitten specific food is that it has a much higher fat content to it, and I suspicion is very tasty.  Yuriko did everything she good to scarf Logan's
Briannah

Briannah

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