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life Holding On to what Youv'e Got

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Today is St. Distaff's Day. Compitalia, celebrating the household Gods. Today we honor Frigg and her followers, the "Freefolk". "Partly work, and partly play Ye must on Saint Distaff's Dayu" the old adage goes. It is also time for me to "shield in place". I need to take a break from the constant ups and downs regarding "my" dysphoria. My affliction. Tired of facing inward and trying to fix something that in the scope of my life? A lot less of an "issue" than it needs to be, considering. What? Well, let's throw out some things shall we? I have recieved some excellent "counseling" from someone who says my dysphoria is NOT my biggest concern. OK. Good to know. My counselor is a pretty decent person. Specializies in helping people who's professional lives expose them to some very traumatic stuff. I was amazed at how good this person was at getting me to talk. Good to find someone I can be comfortable with. A person that is familiar with the "problems" people who work in compartmented "projects" all they're lives can develop. I thought I was lossing it to Paranoid schizophrenia! The counselor just laughed at me and said "No, that's called self preservation. Johnathan Pollard actually existed. That actually happened. Your pretty much screwed for the rest of your life, just stay frosty and relax". Showed me this picture and said if you can balance these? Your mental health issues will be skosh. When I broached "dysphoria"? Push me over with a feather, the counselor replied "You'd be astounded to know just how many people I deal with could use a little clarity on THAT subject". Love them Doc's that don't beat around the bush! 

 

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How is your 2017 going to go? I have a good idea of how mine is going to go. Lots and lots of time in medical facilities. Lots of appointments. Lots of testing. I am VERY HAPPY about that. This flurry of medical activity surrounds my Soulmate and not me. She is FINALLY going to get the medical assistance and screening that she deserves. She is. not me. I am working on my "blackouts" and my manic depression issues, but for now, I am good. I have a mea culpa. I have NOT been a good spouse for a while. My prediliction with my tripartite self. I have been selfish. So, there you go. "Ronnie" is a steady state for me. 50/50. MODLOC. I have a lot of "new" things to deal with. I can NEVER drive a car on public roads EVER again, unless it is the most dire of emergencies. I can't get on an airliner. I wouldn't be able to fly a plane. I'm not even supposed to operate power tools without supervision anymore! But that doesn't mean I have to stop living or caring about the awesome folks I've met here. 

I was going to leave this site and then I thought, why? It can help me. Hopefully, I can be of help to someone else. I have 41 and in a less than a month, 42 Y E A R S invested in the person that I DO love most. Violet pretty much is my Universe and she deserves better from me. Sure, some will say that I may be "disengenious" with regard to the "community". That I am not being "true" to myself. Really? I exist in a different "plane" than most people. The person who is my betrothed is also a Petty Officer in the US NAVY, like I am. She saved my life. That's what she does. She can make a towering Marine break out in a sweat by snapping a rubber band, holding a syringe and saying "Need to draw some labs". The only things that can make the USMC hesitate? Godzilla and Hospital Corpsman. Oops, my bad. Hospital Corpsman THEN Godzilla. Got to preserve the natural order of things as the Creator has made them. Nope, for me? This fight isn't about a community. It's about my sanity and I am the ONLY one that can fight it and that means being in it to win it. I may never be "complete", but I promise, I will try NOT to be boring. But I'm not that salty so having a wingman? PRICELESS. I know she always has my back. BRAVO ZULU Doc! 

So for this new blog, I chose "Scutum" because I need a shield right now. Something that will insulate me from the Demon I have just gotten to go back to sleep. Scutum is called "Sobieski's Shield" in some places in Europe. Jan III Sobieski was a bad ass. Your writings here and how you look at the World and what you are doing to cope and  just the minutiae of our everyday existence can be the exact thing I need to stabilize when I start to get wiggy! 2 anchors are better than one. I have Violet and I have you all. I am blessed. Monsters from the id. They're real.

 

 

 


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Posted

Hey Ronnie,

Good to see you back. Now you're my brother? Bro! I'm cool with that. We're a family here on TGGuide and love to hear from friends and relatives.

I think it's wonderful that you're making some progress with your health as well as (of course) Vi's. Good for you that you found a counselor to talk things over with. He sounds terrific. 

And for you not being as good a spouse as you should have been? I know of the guilt and remorse of that, and not to compare severity, I think we all do. The important thing is to not dwell on the past as much as do what you can today and tomorrow. And it really sounds like you are.

Keep it up my friend, great to hear from you! Best wishes to Violet.

Emms

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I hope you have a great deal, and good luck finding that balance!  IT's the most simple and most complex thing in the world, learning to balance ourselves within and with the outside world in my personal opinion! 

As for 2017, I have no idea.  I learned a hard lesson in 2011, which was the year I thought it was all going to be fixed.  Nikki had just gotten the job back after a 2 year layoff of job hunting, take jobs with those 90 days before hirein where they know they are going to lay people off after 89, and scrabbling around to make ends meet.  So when he got his regular job with the good pay and the benefits back at the end of 2010, we thought 2011 was going to be the year we put it all back together.  Then maternal grandma announced lung cancer.  Paternal grandma had an accident in the care home, and we had to decide if we were going to use lifesaving measures or not (I was on the side of letting nature take it's course, her alzhiemers was so advanced she didn't know who she or anyone else was anymore or what was going on most of the day, she wouldnt' have understood post surgical care).  Then the aunt called after she passed, da stopped the burial and required an autopsy, which was inconclusive if she had been the victim of a legitimate accident or abuse.  Then a college friend of Nikki's died out of the blue, 34 years old I think he was at the time.  Then I fell down the stairs and broke my knee.  Then we got robbed.  Finally 2011 gave us a break we thought, and maternal grandma beat the lung cancer!  Yay!  Only to find out two months later it had mestatized to her liver and kidneys and she passed a week before the big surprise birthday we'd planned for her that turned into her memorial. 

Ever since, I have decided the year will be whatever it's going to be, and I don't pin any hopes on it.  LOL

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Hi Ronnie,

So glad to see you're hanging in there!  All the best to both you and Vi, and CONGRATULATIONS on 42 years!  That's awesome! :)

And no worries, my friend, I have NEVER known you to be boring! ;)

Take care!

-Sara

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