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My inner battle, Elsa v William

Hi all

Another journal entry I would like to share.

William had taken over the last few days and we went downhill. I could not break through until early this morning. Finally I rested back control. I had to reaffirm my femininity.
I am a female, 
I embrace being female,
I love all things feminine.
I kept repeating this mantra for a few minutes after I woke up, before I got out of bed. My mood lifted immediately. 

These are critical emotions for me to understand.

If William takes to much control and suppresses me we go into a funk and if I let that funk continue it will quickly turn into full blown depression, that blackness comes and with it the dark thoughts, we cease to live and simply exist

It is only when I take control that we come alive again. It is only I as Elsa do we
become whole, depression lifts and my thoughts are bright and well

It is only as by me being female that I live and not simply exist.

I take great heart that when I take over and William fades we become a more complete person and I know that being female is the right path.

Hugs Elsa


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Nicely said, Elsa. Sometimes breaking free of our gender assigned at birth is like achieving escape velocity. 

“Ground Control to Major Tom

Commencing countdown, engines on”

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Nice quote Emma! Elsa thank you for sharing that. I have been in a funk for the last week. It slowly grew over time without me realizing it. I was seriously thinking about my transition. I had strong feelings that this was all wrong and that I was just a selfish person. I have to stop. Somehow. Life slowly became gray. I lost almost all ambition for work and family. I was just existing trying to make it through the day. “Maybe I will feel better tomorrow “ I said. But no...until I read your post. This is exactly what was happening to me. The boy was taking over and I was on a path that leads to a place of depression. I’ve been there and do not want to go back.  Thank you. I like thinking about myself as 2 people battling for control. Makes sense to me. 

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Dear Elsa and Christy,

Really resonated with your stories as I had to struggle loving being a masculine woman (mid-butch Lesbian).

Your friend,


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Congrats Elsa


This is usually the point of must return, or well you end up in the oblivion that you and none of us could exist, just be a mere spec in the world that needs to be lived.


Once you've got control of the psyche that wants to claim control and drag you down into that dark abis where not even light sheds any clear path to a return.  Now keep growing the light, as the confidence in who you are will grow.




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Hiya Ladies. Long before I started on My MtoF Transition journey, I had shaken hand's with " The Black Dog " !! I made 3 Serious Suicide Attempt's, namely Tuesday, 16th. August, 1988; Early November, 1992; and Early February, 1996; and I Really AM Very Lucky, to still be alive !! The Decision to Actually start Transitioning, for Me Personally, was Definitely the Correct one. I Am just over 3 Year's into My Transition, and about 6 1/2 Month's on Hormones. I Am a lot Happier, and a lot Calmer. My Emotion's have changed Massively, and the Hormones are Definitely having a major effect Physically as well !! I could Never, Ever, De--Transition, and why would I want to ? I Am under the Gender Identity Clinic in London, which is Known as the Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, or CHX--GIC, as it gets shortened to ! I hope to have My Gender Reassignment Surgery, carried out in Summer/Autumn, 2019. If any of You would like to talk with Me, then Please feel free to do so, but, I will only give details or advice, based on My Own Personal Experiences. As I said to Michele earlier on, I Officially; Legally; changed My Name, by U.K. Deed Poll, in a One--Hour; Express--Service; on My 55th. Birthday, which was My Birthday Present to Myself. I hope that this insight, might be of help to some of You. Take Care Ladies, And My Very Best Wishes to You All, Stephanie. ( Steph53. ). 

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