bluemoon

Love the name, kimberlyann. Please embrace your own advice and that best part of you. You seem very loving and she needs you. Being intersex rather than transgender, I believe in different shades of femaleness and maleness, a continuum or spectrum rather than identity or even physicality always being binary. Your inner femaleness sounds particularly strong, heartfelt, and precious, always there as you or a big part of you. It's not too late, but whether a full transition or not, she seems thirsty for others to know and love her for who she is.

Very clever, Emma... always finding new and creative ways, big and small, to continue becoming or bringing out the most real you.

when i went shopping a while back with my androgynous ex-girlfriend/fashion consultant, she chose very slim/tight fitting buffalo jeans with spandex for me after i tried on several different ones. the pockets have just enough room for keys and wallet but the keys are a little uncomfortable. the jeans seem very androgynous in style to me, but most people think in binary gender terms and allow little leeway in male clothes so anything not definitely masculine seems feminine to them.

Chrissy, such a thoughtful, insightful, and well written piece. I love the phrase, "... I had transitioned to become a woman (physically) and now it was time to see what I wanted to do with my life as a woman." As you know, your parents may have also suffered from emotional neglect and continued the cycle since that would make it perfectly normal for them, without much awareness of any other way. I'm sure, though, that there were other issues. Of course, it's true that they could have done their best and still not met your needs, but that's more of a cliché or platitude than something with a lot of substance - there so much more to it. The incredible thing is that you are going way beyond that and finding ways to give yourself that attention, discover your needs, and take care of yourself in ways that your parents probably never dreamed.

Chrissy, happy almost birthday – you have so much to celebrate! I have a few comments about the effects of your transgender status on finding a man. One is that there are always aspects of all kinds that others find unattractive or attractive to different degrees. Even though transgender is a big one, it is still only one of many and you obviously have so many wonderful qualities, such as being smart, articulate, warm, caring, and sensitive to others. While transgender may deter some men, most of them are probably not the type you want anyway. Conversely, someone who sees you for who you really are is more apt to be the kind of person you like and are compatible with too. I’m so sorry that you are in that position with your sister, which I described before as something along the lines of her terrible loss and limitation. Unfortunately, family members are often the last to fully accept you in all kinds of ways, especially when it comes to changes. Their image of you is rooted far back. Since the core of it forms in childhood, it is often difficult and slow, at best, for them to see you in any other way. Families should come with a warning label with a long list of side-effects, interactions, risks, and unforeseen effects. Good luck in this next year of being more you than ever.

That's happened to me too with being androgynous and with intersex disclosure. Sometimes it involves pressure from family or friends, but sometimes through their own insecurity about what their family or friends will think about them. They fear that their gender status or general social status will be questioned or compromised. A girlfriend that was particularly drawn to my female aspects loved that we could be secret lesbians except to close friends that we knew would accept us. She had been occasionally attracted to other women but was too afraid about what others would think to become sexually involved with them.

Emma, that sounds like fun, the hairstyle hunt. I also appreciate your post, Monica, since I had no idea that one out of three cisgender women wear wigs or hair pieces and that seems freeing in case I ever want to try it.

Emma, I can't wait to see it and whether you go pixie or try something else. A tremendously talented hair stylist might know what is best for you, but I have found them exceptionally rare so you would probably know best what works as well as the kind of look you want.

Chrissy, congratulations on your hair independence now that you are free to wear your own hair or a wig. I just want to tell you how much I understand the importance of hair to your gender identity and overall sense of self, appearance, and social persona. That has always been an issue with me, beginning in middle childhood when my desire for long hair became a terrible battleground for me with my parents. That made me hypersensitive about it for life. You portrayed your hair unveiling so vividly and I could totally see myself going through a similar thing if I were you or in similar circumstances. I've rarely been entirely happy with how my hair looks and it being as androgynous as I want it to be rather than too male or too female looking. I also have a so far unfulfilled desire for feathers in it, especially ever since I saw Steven Tyler with them years ago on American Idol.

Chrissy, so personal to happen with your sister and must hurt so much but her terrible limitation and loss.

Of all the things in the world to be upset and offended by. Sad for you but pathetic for them. Yeah, maybe weak minded or insecure along with narrow-minded and perhaps judgmental. Emma has a good point, though, that it might turn into something of an opportunity to inform and educate others. Some people really do not understand how someone can be a different gender than the anatomically assigned one or can be both male and female genders. However, they can often come to have some acceptance and understanding with more information or personal contact rather than it just being an unfamiliar, abstract, and maybe even absurd idea.

I am so glad that you and Nikki accept, understand, and support each other so strongly and are always finding ways to grow together and make things better, more in keeping with what you like and who you are. That is mainly where you find your peace and belonging, plus maybe also with a few close friends rather than with family and people in general. Many are set in their narrow, binary ways and still have their own limitations and prejudices or judgments no matter how much they consider themselves unique, unconventional, or enlightened. I feel that Nikki shows an exceptional degree of self-awareness, honesty, courage, and bravery by accepting and exploring varying and multiple gender states. Too bad it’s like gender heresy to some.

Karen, read a little of your blog and wish I could train with you and had those speedy curves to play on with my own very fast, nimble little car. You seem to excel and test the limits in everything you do by design and with control. I am in awe of your self-defense skills and teaching experience. That must also help keep you in a state of readiness by demonstrating tactics and responses necessary in times of condition red. The more ingrained or overlearned the better in case of a real-life situation. It is also great that you have the capability to scale way up for students willing and able to go beyond the basics into more advanced self-defenses methods and firearms. I love that you carried forward these skills and interests into your transition and the lgbtx community since they are often gender-typed as masculine, although that is a ridiculous, narrow-minded stereotype. They make you even more attractive as a woman.

Karen, I have great admiration for your self-defense skills and willingness to share them. It not only benefits your students but the entire lgbtx community by helping to change the stereotype of us as easy targets and make others think twice about trying to bully or hurt us. By the same token, Emma, your friend not just protected himself on those occasions but may have stopped them from going on to victimize others. Bullies rarely pick a fair fight. They choose what they believe is a sure thing and avoid what they consider a risk. They often have a keen sense of others' vulnerability. It is key for everyone to know their capabilities and limitations. For example, carrying a gun can be a life-saver for some, but place others in greater danger. Some can become experts in martial arts, but most are better off with the kind of class Karen offers. Of course, self-defense means not just fending off attackers but learning ways to minimize risk and escape or gain assistance in a bad situation (such as sounding a loud whistle and not getting coerced into a secondary location). Thank you again, Karen.

A great time for us on both sides of the Atlantic and all ponds to celebrate our independence from the rules, limitations, and shackles of anatomical and binary gender determination. Viva la gender revolucion. fireworks in all colors.

I'm so proud of you and them. Very faith restorative and hopefully infinitely more similar experiences even while still enough on alert for the occasional crazy.

oh yeah, emma, that's my kind of trip, just what I long for, but hopefully one of these years. the world of trees, mountains, waterfalls and fast rivers, and forest creatures feels like home to me or one of my home bases. there's a serpent, though, in every paradise and it usually takes human form. it is so sad and unfair but a reality to have to wonder about who might be an aggressive predator and having to keep your eyes open for them, even though they are few and far between, I hope. I also hope most of the extra attention is curiosity and even perhaps a little special interest or admiration, but you'll probably find that much more in your expanding Seattle world as the more outwardly feminine you..

I was just thinking what an adventure you are on even before you used the word. I also realize how difficult that decision can be because my last moving decision was such a tradeoff. I am such a nature lover and love being surrounded by trees and wilderness and ocean, if possible, or at least a sense of wilderness with as few cars, traffic, and pollution of all types, including air, water, radiation, and light pollution. On the other hand, I love gourmet and natural/organic foods and ethnic foods like thai, indian, and sushi. Nature place was a wasteland for good restaurants, natural foods, and even good produce, which I really need.. Some other huge factors too that made it such a difficult decision and two different possible kinds of lives.

Bri, life has too many stresses and scary things. It's all well and good to call them challenges, learning experiences, and all that, but things can be so much better and easier in theory and mind or fantasy than in the outside world. it would be nice to weed some out or at least have safe refuges from them within yourself, your relationships, and immediate surroundings. You seem to have that so much with Nikki as you chart your future and find and create your beautiful yard. Hope you find a buyer soon so that big piece of non-peace can fall away.

Hi briannah, such a long time but am glad you feel better after making it through such a difficult period. I can barely imagine how agonizing that must have been with killer cat and still such a major loss even if it had to be plus other big things in flux and reorganization. all the best to you and nikki in the move to your target town and smart having backup plan too, but you seem to usually think of anything and everything so I wouldn't expect anything less. I'm glad we're both back now.

Emma, I'm so happy for you with your wonderful, freeing inward and outward adventures into your true needs and desires, finding your way into where you are really home.

bree, what an ordeal, all the physical ailments are bad enough, plus make it much harder to cope with the other things in your life. hope you can breathe deeply soon.

ren, I wrote a fairly long response in support of your courage, directness, and self-awareness in your previous post, but I guess it disappeared when you deleted the post, apparently just as I was writing or submitting it.

oh no, that means the rest of us don't have a chance. where's my hazmat suit. hope you both feel better soon and at least you're not alone.

emma, that's exactly the soft, quiet tone of patience, awareness, and caring that I've felt from you before, where you seem to have created a space within yourself and your life and your relationship with your wife that allows emma to be there, even if behind the scenes, without overreaching the limits of what's possible. i admire your wisdom in this, but also know that inside is that sadness for not having been born female, or at least anatomically female, and the loss of everything that might have been that way, and that even with all possible transition it would still never be the same as that. when you feel that sorrow is when you need extra kindness toward yourself and your femaleness and you're still who you are no matter how you're dressed or seen by others. i just realized something interesting and valuable that i have to think about more... while I'm mostly content and appreciative of my dual gender, occasionally i wish for being all female, but I've never wished for being all male. i have to ponder that more.