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About Michele800226

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/26/1980

Profile Information

  • Gender Transgender
  • Location Cape Town, South Africa
  • Interests Cars, Weapons, MMA, shopping, hair days, photos of me, learning something new. Well, being adventurous.

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Michele800226's Activity

  1. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    Life Continues
    Good day
    Let me start off with saying, I know that I haven't been active in a long time, and I might not get to say this...
    Merry Christmas to all of you celebrating the festive season.  May this bring you everything you thought it would and more.
    I had an eventful few months and that is so going to get me disowned if I'm not already disowned...  But that is another story for another day, when I probably need to vent.
    I got engaged in the last few months and only my niece, also the one I call my child, and she agrees that I'm being disowned and flung out like last years fashion that will never become a craze again.  So yes, engaged and I do love him, flaws and all.
    Then, I started working on shifts again, and my time is so occupied with work and love life that I barely have time to think about what to tell you.
    Ooooh, did I mention that my one doctor finally gave me the letter that is required to change my gender marker on my ID, and that only took something like 4 years to get.  And now the other doctors that said they would assist me are the problems in doing what I need to do.  How can this be so difficult to get the letter required for the change.  I also said that I will only marry once these changes have been executed on my ID.  But I also might subconsciously want to wait a while for making certain that I made the right choice in giving my heart to someone.
    So yes, my medical check ups for script renewal has changed to once a year, but I need my script rewritten every 6 months.
    I tore some ligaments in my right hand and could use it properly for 9 weeks, okay it's 12 weeks already, and it is still painful to do some moves, and to fight properly with my hand.  Okay, it happened because I was in a fight with a guy who's face was harder then the back of a pickup or brick wall.  Okay, it was also justifiable that I knocked the guys teeth out, after all he was beating a teenage girl with a golf club and he was a grown ass man.
    What else did I not mention that I think you should know about???
    Really can't think now, but my operation was a success, seeing that I got through the complications that I faced for a time frame afterwards.  Developed blood clots that just didn't want to go away, and bled like a leaking bottle for a bit more then 6 weeks, and it freaked me out the few times I woke up covered in blood, and that my precautions didn't even help me.
    Did I mention that my hair is now slightly over shoulder length. I settled down to around 135-140Lbs no longer 145Lbs.  Doesn't help my breast development, but I also thought of having a discussion with the endocrinologist on the possibility to change me to another estrogen form, cause I can't figure out what is making me nauseous.  Might be the medication, or something else, like stressing.  Yes, you would also be stressing if you knew the man that you love is kinda, sort of, disliked by your family, because I can't figure out how to convince them that he is right for me.
    Having my legs licked and probably telling me to stop having a discussion with myself, I will be doing the following.
    Merry Christmas my sweets, stay as kind as you are.  I've not forgotten you, so have constantly thought of what to tell you, but when I had the words, I definitely didn't have the time to write anything.
    Keep safe please, as I don't want to hear of another death of someone I knew.  Okay, two so called family members, wait was three if recall properly.  Father's brother (no he wrote each other off one Xmas, after he decided to attack me for being trans, so not family), cousins husband (didn't know him, and I think I stopped at the accident without knowing about it, and was working), aunt's brother (she married in so does that make him family), and the same aunt's boyfriend (yes she turn 70 this week, in the last 2 months we had to deal with him that got a stroke, and I was the last person around him as his last 2nd and last stroke took his life.  He was so looking forward to her birthday and Christmas, but just made it to December).
    So be safe and enjoy the festive season.  I will be watching over those of you close to me.
    Kind loving hearts blossom
    Friends, family and loves
    We gather in a time of giving
    Not the giving of presents
    But the giving of hearts
    We are all here
    Not just waiting, but
    Fighting for what we were taught
    The teachings of what is right and wrong
    And I guess, that we have finally started believing
    Believing in our dreams and what our hearts are telling us
    So go forth and be who you were meant to be.
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  2. Michele800226 added a comment on a blog entry: First Migraine After A While   

    Morning Emma and Monica
    It is lighter since my Testosterone levels are basically on zero, mine isnt just on one side.  It tales the sight out of both eyes when it reaches it peak, and lucky it always happen at a place I know, so I can move around in that specific place and find my quiet dark place and lay myself down.
    Doing better and almost back at work, and but so not looking forward to going to work next week.
    Love and respect
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  3. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    First Migraine After A While
    Hi there all
    I thought that my migraines would be a thing of the past seeing that it is testosterone related, but hey it the first I had in a few months.
    The sensation of getting nauseous and disliking the way light makes my eyes and head feel is one thing I dont like.  It aggravates me to a degree that I would just want to punch a hole through a wall just to focus the pain on something else.
    I know when my estrogen levels are higher with my intake it deminishes.  So I will definitely be talking to my endo about lifting the dose so that I can actually demish this sensation, seeing that after this operation it was dropped to 0.625mg to maintain my body.  Not mentioning what I am taking as I am not prescribing medication for anyone and this is lower then what the international doses are, and yes I also know that I shouldn't be comparing South Africa with any other country, but when it comes to administering certain medication, we are following a totally different set of rules.
    Majority of the time I'm feeling better.  But the hematoma has gotten me down a few more times this week too.  Did I mention, that the surgeon told me initially after the first week after the surgery that the hematoma would disappear after about 6 weeks, and 9 days later when I went for a followup again, that it looks as though my recovery will take about 2 to 3 months.  What a bummer, right.  I was thinking that I would be good and running about by now.
    Okay, seeing that I'm giving an update, here goes.  I can walk short distances and then I'm sore, which a long distances (endurance) walker doesnt want to hear right, precisely.  I gained 2Lbs in the first week, lost 6Lbs a week later, and then gained a pound the week after that only to go down and he pound I gained.  I know that this is due to the hormonal fluctuations caused by the operation, but now I'm wondering if this fluctuations aren't only effecting my weight, capabilities to eat and also possibly this onset of the migraine.
    The reason I started the blog was to check how my mood and everything would change.
    Talking about my mood changing, I've come to find a difference in the way I handle stressful situations.  Normally where I go through the sensation of wanting to smash, meaning punch things when I'm angry, I release it through tears.  Yes, I've become a cry baby of sorts.  But I still tackle things head on first.
    But if I didn't mentally change throughout this hormonal fluctuations in my body, as the chemistry in my brains are normalizing I wouldnt be human to start with right.
    So be prepared for changes and keep holding on.  We are all strong individuals, and we should all learn how to be vulnerable as well as the heroes we might be to others.  Because being strong doesn't mean we dont have weaknesses, it just means we have learnt how to deal with those weaknesses that were flung unto us.
    Stay strong, be beautiful.  And above all, what does aphrodisiac beauty mean, as I've been told I am that, any good explanation please, as I dont see myself as a knockout beauty queen.
    Cheers for now
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  4. Michele800226 added a comment on a blog entry: Post Operation Thrills   

    Hi there Emma and Monica
    I'm definitely not just looks, but I'm more brains.  Luckily not the nerd, just smart enough to make a nerd wonder if I'm one of them or not.
    I would definitely recommend that for surgery you get enough sanitary pads for a month in advance, as you likely not to be moving around that much in that timeframe.  After the second week are supposed to have control of your pain, bit if you are super sensitive to pain it might last longer.
    In the last 3 weeks I gained 2 pounds, but from my normal 145Lbs I moved down to 140Lbs.
    Discussed the weight loss with my endocrinologist yesterday at my visit to her after she wanted to see me directly after the operation, so had an appointment date for 3 weeks afterwards.  She was dumbstruck that I started eating less, and I wrote it down to losing Testosterone.  Afterwards she said, has to be, because a guy normally eats more then females and burns more calories so that can explain why I'm sticking to a healthy body weight with half the amount of food I normally consumed.  Another thing that was good was that my Testosterone levels have dropped to almost zero after the operation.
    What she didn't expect me to do was drop the meds levels on my own.  I informed her that I dropped it by a third and then took only a quarter of the other next level, and I gave my body a week chance to adjust to the new levels before starting on no Testosterone blocker for basically a week before taking the blood test, that should show if there is any form of Testosterone levels left in my body.  We both happy with the levels.  And in doing so, dropped the dose of my estrogen as well to a lowish level where I feel comfortable with the levels in my body.  She commended me for thinking of the changes in a medical method, as not to shock my body from the start and suffering withdrawal symptoms.
    She finally gave me a new letter for the gender maker changes as per section 49 of 2003 Alteration of Sex Description and Sex Status Act.  Yes South Africa has a whole act with a big mouth full to describe the act.  So another letter and I'm set to go for the changes, after more then 5 years on HRT.
    Thanks with the congratulations as well ladies.  And I'm certain to look after myself.
    Loving Hugs
    PS.  Super excited that I can finally have my ID and drivers finally be changed to the female I represent.
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  5. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    Post Operation Thrills
    Good Evening
    Operation day was 7 March 2017.
    Well, no more Estrogen and no more Testosterone development for me, as no more testicles or ovaries for me.
    Which was brought on 11 months prior when I developed, make that discovered growth, got admitted to hospital for chemotherapy which made me so sick that I lost 12kgs (+-26Lbs), and the 7 months ago removing the growths as the original doctor decided to be a hostile transphobic fool, and the younger surgeon with a newer practice was trans-friendly.  Because I know the likelihood of growths return every few years.
    Well, today I am feeling better then what I felt in the first week where I developed a hematoma, and the 2nd Saturday I woke up early and thought I needed the bathroom, but when I got there it was to find that I was bleeding.
    Preemptively I bought sanitary towels for the bleeding.  And it saved me from having bloody underwear, clothes or bedding.  I just had that Saturday where the bleeding overflowed the pads.  And with the first overflow I uttered profanity and a friend that slept over jumped up and ran to me to check on me.  Told him, everything is fine, and seeing that it was 02:00am as I got back into bed told him that I'm bleeding excessively, but not enough for me to warrant me to go to hospital.  For the rest of that day I was cursing as the blood kept on overflowing and smudging and staining my underwear with blood.
    I was so drugged on pain medication most of the first 2 weeks that I the 2 nights I went to bed unprepared with a lack of pain meds in my system I woke up crying in pain, and that was all duing the first week.  I learnt that my hot water bottle was my best friend as it helped subdue the pain as it was mostly abdominal pain.
    Currently I'm doing better and had a doctors appointment on Thursday where I was told the hematoma looks like it will take another 2 months to recover and I requested a medical letter putting me on light duties when returning to work the duration the hematoma for recovery.
    The statement made at the last doctors appointment for the checkup.  Michele you know you can't have any biological children anymore, the procedure was irreversible.  I looked at him asking.  What would you have done.  A growth once means I'll be plagued with growth every few years, and I dont want to go through that again. And the Testosterone blocker Spiranolactine that I was using and at the dosage required by my body to stop the development of Testosterone in my body would put my kidneys and liver at risk of failure in the next year to three, by which time I would love to have done te GRS but in the unlikely event that I will struggle to get the GRS done then I safe myself the heartache of my organs failing.  He looked at me saying, you one of the few patients a doctor gets that know the pros and the cons of the procedures done.  And I wsh you all the luck.  We ended our discussion and I gave him te statistics of the quality of medical expertise versus the cost in South Africa versus Thailand.  3 to 5 times less experience and the quality but the expenses are 3 almost 4 times more expensive.
    So have the best intentions of doctors that I personally selected. I like their service with a smile and knowing that each patient is an individual.
    Love life.  Respect all.
    Hugs.  Kisses
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  6. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    Bye bye reproductivity
    Hi all
    Went for my bi annual endocrinology check at the end of January 2017, and all went well.
    Then for a urology check up, more like an appointment date for my bilateral orchidectomy on 2 March 2017.  And got an appointment date for 7 March 2017, which was yesterday.
    I had 4 days to prepare for surgery so went and stocked up on pads (sanitary towels) for the possible bleeding, paid the doctors fees of basically R4000.00 and the requested the bill from the hospital which the doctor estimated at another R4000.00+.
    Chose my shoes, as the last time wearing heeled boots was a bad idea, I took my slip ins, and an easy to get in pants.
    Get to hospital at 06:40 as I needed to get booked in by 07:00 and find the doors still locked.  But at 06:50 a nurse pulls up and says, hello Michele, follow me.  You can go book in so long, I will be with you shortly.
    So far so good friendly staff.
    Everyone enquires if I'm Afrikaans or English speaking, I say they choice is yours.  Just dont ask me to write in Afrikaans, I write very poorly in that language, just speak it predominantly.  And the forms I left open on title, I see Werner the receptionist at the helpdesk for surgery admission made it Mej the Afrikaans abbreviation for Miss of Ms.  So glad even though I hadn't put anything he put the right abbreviation on as my title.
    Pre operation theater, doc comes and says this is going to hurt and injects me 3 different places and the last one just above a crack was the most painful.  Ouch...  10 minutes later gets asked to walk to the theater as I'm number 1 on the list.
    Now the uncomfortable section, lying there exposed for the world to see.  The nurses start using female pronouns to make me feel at ease and when the doctor who is uncertain about the pronouns to use, just falls in with continuing the female pronouns the whole way.
    They tell me that it might burn me, and I smell flesh burn.  I just say, can't feel anything so do your thing.  They have this green sheet up between us so we can't see each other and we chatting the whole way through.  Somewhere near the end as they move to the left, I start feeling what they do and say.  Now  I'm feeling, but continue and get it over and done with.  Here as promised I started giggling in my Mortisha Adams sleeping pose.  We talk about my nursing days and weird scenes I've attended to as a police official.
    Now he starts taping me up and explaining that I must only wear tight underwear.  I ask him if he remembers the shape of the underwear I use, and all of them are  tight doctor, so no worries.  They say I can move to the recovery room where coffee is offered to me, and I drink it because my head was spinning, yes a dizzy baby.
    The nurse fetched my bag with 2 steamed beef dumpling in it.  I ate them and drank my coffee.
    Well in the morning one of my friends were supposed to drive me there and take me home, but in this  case I felt like I was late and drove myself home again.  Pain levels as I left the hospital before getting behind the wheel of my car was a 3/10, but as soon as I started driving the pain went up to a 5/10.
    Get home and everything draws out of my body and I walk like an old woman with a walking stick.  I ended up for today and yesterday with pain levels around 7/10 maybe an 8/10.  I know, closest pain I've ever felt was a full blown migraine.  Talking a migraines, apparently my migraines are Testosterone related, the more present the stronger the migraine.
    The last I managed to number 2 was yesterday morning before leaving for hospital.  I'm micturating with ease.
    My pain starts just below my diaphragm and ends just below my pelvis area, with only my ass spared from the pain.
    Well tomorrow is checkup day, precisely a week later.  I've been bleeding everyday, but small amounts.  So nothing to write home about.  The pain is sometimes unbearable, but I'm a big girl.  Some sswelling to my right side, just hope its not an infection, because then more pain...
    On the bright side, started having a guy over, and had the transgender discussion, but I wanted him to read my fb profile which explains it, but his friends saw it first, and now he has this attitude saying it doesnt change me, and they should be concerned about their lives, and then he said I should read a message from his mom who is also not approving of me being transgender and getting to know her oldest boy better.  So I am enjoying his company and my oldest sister has met him, we officially met on 3 March 2017.
    Love life.
    Live your life accordingly.
    And dont be forced to take the road you dont want too.
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  7. Michele800226 added a comment on a blog entry: Medical Week   

    Sometimes I wonder if facing the bull head on is smart, but then I remember Chuck Norris spin kicked the bull unconscious, so who am I to fear that bull if a man can beat him, this lady can also do it.
    Doesn't mean I dont fear the results till I read them.  But as soon as they read, give me a day or a week to mope about it if its bad news, and I will tackle it head on, as I dont know how to go down without a fight.
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  8. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    Medical Week
    Tuesday came, and it was the last day of January by that.  Left work early, and got to the endocrinologist.  Marli had her normal  checks and we spoke.  But what made me zone out was, here is a referral, you need to go for a mammogram.  Lucky we already went through the blood works that I took on the previous Friday.
    I got to work the next day, as the blood works is showing signs of cholesterol and that my testosterone levels are higher.  Normal male ranges but still half of what I started out on before HRT.  Some other readings also messed about.  But I should say, 6 months earlier we dropped my blocker dosage to half what I was using because of the potassium resistance my body was experiencing.
    Thursday on Feb 2, I went for the mammogram.  Yes, I was anxious, nervous, scared, all the crying emotions were all collected in my body.  Even the with drawn little girl.  My friend had my car and forgot that I had an appointment so I was taken by a colleague who lives in the area of the hospital.  Told him to meet me there or all hell will be directed at him.
    Came out of hospital and to in my car, looking as if some dog has taken my good and ran away.  Just teary eyed, unresponsive and clutching my results.  Normally by this point my results would be opened and checked by myself, but because this wasn't a Michele request it was scaring the living daylights out of meArarat.
    Friday came and went and still I'm refusing to read the results.  Saturday also comes and goes, and as I arrived home around 00:00 this morning.  I decided to sit myself down and force myself to read it as this moping around for a forced test is just bull.  Read it so slow, and once done, realize but the results says everything is normal, I just have a dense pair.
    Thus relieved I decide I can go sleep.  So my last week ended in me stressing for sweet nothing.
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  9. Michele800226 added a comment on a blog entry: On "Tolerance"   

    Hi there Emma
    Tolerance isnt the right word to be used.  But with tolerance someone can learn more, unless they close minded and doesn't want anything to do with what they say they are tolerant about.  Give your friend some time to mull it over, as he might not have realized that it's because you value your friendship that you told him.
    Everyone can't be like one of my nappy staged friends, that I haven't seen for a few years and starts talking to me telling me I look good and when are we hanging out like we used to.  In my case I thought separation of years would make him just turn a cold shoulder.  He reminded me, that with each interactive roleplay we did as children, I always took the role of the female characters and nothing is wrong, I'm just older and prettier and finally accepted myself.
    Wouldn't we liked everyone to be that way, but reality is...  There will always be those that think its a choice and not a biological programming before birth, and not fulfilling the programming leads to our downfall.
    Love Michele
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  10. Michele800226 added a comment on a blog entry: Popularity changes   

    If I had to fear the world, what kind of example would I be.
    Hugs and kisses
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  11. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    Popularity changes
    Good day all
    Okay, don't be all flustered and think that it changed my attitude to the world, it didn't, I'm just pointing out what I did, and somehow I am still getting people following me and hitting on me.  What I did I don't actually know.  But this is the steps that I took.  Maybe it was a form of liberation, but it was definitely a way to say, look at me and be certain that I am human and not going anywhere.
    In a recent Facebook entry I made I wrote:
    My bio
    * 36 years old
    * police official with sergeant rank
    * from South Africa, born and raised as a Capetonian, and lived for a while in Johannesburg before moving back
    * 1.74m (5'8&1/4") tall
    * 64kg (145Lbs)
    * naturally dark brown hair, but currently dyed
    * love; cars, sushi, pizza, salads, firearms (actually weapons), sleep, fighting styles (martial arts, boxing, kick boxing)
    * no children, but also not planning on any in my near future
    * Gender: transgender female (even if I'm intersex, just my gender identity still)
    * Sexuality: Multiple classification (A-sexual and to a degree hetero sexual)
    * marital : not married, and never planning to take that step.;=
    * friends: usually close knit, and mixture between male and female
    life goals : career and gender equality and understanding (transgender rights - activism), writing
    This is but a small part of me and the rest I normally open up with as time goes by.  I hate dishonesty, but I know a white lie has its place and time.
    Whomever has a problem with me being so frank about myself, they can up and delete themselves.
    Oh, if I don't request to see you naked, it is clear I don't want to see you naked.  And my facebook is for the facilitation of platonic relationships, and that does mean that other things can come, but platonic it will be unless mutually agreed upon for something else.
    I don't say, fear me, as I am human.  But I also don't say try to take me for a fool, because I will know and when I let the steam out to warn you enough is enough you definitely won't like me.  As nails, teeth, fangs (I've been asked if I had them put in to look like a vampire at times), fist, open hand, feet, knees, elbows, thighs, oh just my whole body will be used to throw that train off its tracks into a raging ocean.
    My love for cars, doesn't mean I need to drive a V8 Ford Mustang, V10 Audi R8, Mercedes AMG (so many to choose C63 AMG would do).  So I drive what fits my personality and pocket, even if it doesn't look like a vehicle someone else would buy, don't try and influence me, you not my father who knew my likes and dislikes more, and also knew that I'm more of a head then heart purchaser.
    Wheat I don in life I do to make me proud and that of what my father instilled in me.  To be true to myself, as I know he is watching his baby's every move.
    This will upset some that I'm open about myself, but that clearly doesn't put others in my shoes, as mine is a unique size 6 just for me.
    In one I got 66 likes, and 42 positive answers, the other 30 likes and 3 comments that were positive.  I'm definitely not saying that any of you should be as blunt as me, because, I know that I am unique with similar experiences at different times, or just totally different experiences emphasizing my uniqueness.  But seeing that I'm not looking for a  relationship that is more then platonic, I thought this was a way to let the people around me understand that this is me, and gave them enough time to think about what I said and delete themselves from my profile.  I definitely don't have a problem facing the war head on, because that means the understanding of who we are, are just that much easier.  And coming from a person that isn't a high profile it amounts to a lot.  With that said, my profile increased with over 2000 people in the last 3 weeks, making me feel like it is the best time to start taking on the world on my profile to make them understand the truth.  I just haven't figured out how to properly introduce it to them, but I went to a 16 days of activism, which was directed more to the women and children, somehow the bullying part came in and they noticed that I'm not absentminded or even afraid, and I mentioned that I was bullied by my commander for being transgender, but they also knew that I am in the police as I was introduced on my rank.  I showed that I had to overcome adversity by striking back in the best way I knew how and the only way that the bully would stop, and they looked at me asking how someone that's in the police can be bullied is just wrong.  I had to say, bullies are everywhere, but I knew that my bully whom was much shorter and skinnier then myself was my bully.  And you would see that they take on strong people that doesn't like to react, because in this case she was trying to get me to physically assault her to work me out of the police.  Which I didn't fall for, so I hit her where it hurts the most, her pocket.
    I wish you all a splendid week and yes, I am back at work and loving some of the time.  Others I just want to stink bomb some offices.  If I don't write something closer to Christmas, I wish you all a happy festive season, and love yourself, because that is the biggest gift you can give yourself, because not even GRS, HRT or any of the other surgeries are going to make you appreciate and love you, if you don't do it for yourself.  I might make you feel closer to human then what you are feeling, but it will never make you feel complete.
    Love and Hugs
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  12. Michele800226 added a comment on a blog entry: In retrospect   

    Kitrah, you definitely aren't alone in the similarities we all have, but this title I won't renounce because the surgery is done, when it is done.  It just makes me the person I am and I also know it feels like I sometimes have it easier with newer people that I meet.  But I have gone so far as to put on a bio of myself which I will explain in my next post.  Because I have nothing to hide.
    Emma, as always it is good reading your comments and inspiration that you shine through...
    Love and Hugs
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  13. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    In retrospect
    Good evening all
    Yes a retrospective look at what is what...
    Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand.  It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out.
    So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself.  I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man.  Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons.  And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be.
    After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter.  Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind...  And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got.  But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and  that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person.
    What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat.  Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything.  From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse.  Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me.  And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am.
    Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is.  We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were.  So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue.
    I reached my happy spot.  And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact.  The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual.  And this individual is transgender.  Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase.  What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through.  If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me.  Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at.  A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself...  Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me.  Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be.  Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes.  The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed.
    Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be.
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  14. Michele800226 added a blog entry in Michele800226's Blog   

    Something about leave
    Hi there all
    So I'm the middle of my leave currently and PMS striked again which is an enemy that is supposed to only strike me the last week of the month.  But hey, it decided that it was a good time for me to get punched while the thinking is I am supposed to be down and for the count before of my revelation or make that truth finding.  And on the same day, my blooming sinuses are also packing up and not in a mild way but a heavy attack.  So yes, first few days I was sick, and called into work for 5 days as my sub-component was in trouble for something we couldn't sort out while I was there, but there is time until the 21st to complete, when I am still on leave and I said they should just tell me when everything is right and I will sort it out on my time.  But yes that is that, and now this again, the PMS I don't mind, but the sinus attacks that doesn't want to go away, and leaving me sneezing and a nasal drip that is worse then ever.
    Okay, I think my body this move so I couldn't go through with the boodie call I had placed to a friend that helped me out with my birthday last year.  Funny I didn't use it again seeing that he is good at what he does.  But then again, I am not fighting fire with fire because the guy that screwed around was left already, and by spiting him, I am planning of playing in his friends pool.  What, the best revenge is the revenge closest to home.  Which I also don't think I should go through, because I am not a vindictive person.  Ps...  by the time I read your responses I would've either not gone through with this or just gave in and do it, but if I do it, it isn't because I am being spiteful, but actually like the person.
    I actually drove a few long distances, as in Cape Town if you drive more then 40km you are driving longish distance, lets see that is 25miles.  But I did two trip where the going was 100miles so a round trip was 200miles.  That was actually fun to see my car doing these distances as, I barely do 17 miles round trip per day.  But if I drive a distance to go calm down I do between 30-50miles on a calm down, I will even consider a drive of around 75miles round trip as a good calm down session.
    Talking about calm down session, I found out and instead of crying or punching someone, I took a drive to the beach and had a nice night walk on the beach.  And before anyone starts shouting at me for going to the beach on my own.  I went to the beach that has constant traffic till around 04:00.  And the time that I was there was between 19:00 and 22:00.  So clearly the beach was not full but still had a large volume of people either on the beach or on the road not too far away.  Not that I was looking at the amount of traffic on the beach.  So I did my nature thing to bring my spirit into it zen space.
    What this dating experience told me is, you never know the person until they show their true colors, and if you notice it don't be afraid to confront it.  But as Trans Females, we should know this, our muscle mass is way less then what it was, and if you know the guy is volatile and might beat you, don't do it as your safety is of more importance.  Then rather just leave the guy and steer clear of all the places you frequented, maybe that was just his way of hiding you from his family and friends.  But if you were introduced to family and friends, then you weren't the sideline, just screwed around on, and I don't know which is worse.  Because we have similar friends from the start, I'm not relinquishing my friends to him, as I've had them longer then him.  He also isn't distancing himself from them, so I keep my smile on my face and not even acting happy, because I am happy this happened while it was still in its infancy and not super serious.  Well three months is long for me to be in a relationship that isn't platonic.
    Well, I have said a bit more then what I thought I would say, so have a good evening people, I'm off and out of here.
    Cheers my lovelies
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  15. Michele800226 added a comment on a blog entry: Too much, or just enough   

    Emma you wouldn't believe this, my grandmother and grandfather from my mom's side takes the cake.  The age gap was 26 years, with my grandfather being the oldest.  Funny thing is you outlived all his wives and she was his last wife.  He passed away when my mom was 18 years old and she passed away when my mom was about 2 years old.  So yes age really is nothing but a number in my family.  The oldest sister takes 2nd place, with her husband whom was 24 years older then her, and 3 years older then my mom.  Then my parents take 3rd position, 17 years age difference with my dad being the older one.  So normally it is the men in my family that is the older party, and I would be setting a record on the female side.  My oldest brother though was 10 years older then his wife, and he passed away a few weeks after my passing out of police college.
    Emma and Karen, thanks for the wishes, but we still waiting on the notification that we can wear our ranks, even though they backdating it to last year when we officially had the qualifications.
    On being an inspiration, I'm just living my life according to what I need to and how I see it fit for anyone to live their lives.  Confirmed after this that this young guy was screwing around and gave the option of stopping as the person he is screwing on the sidelines isn't one of my favorite people, therefore broke it off.  Weirdest part is, his friends are actually sticking up for me and saying that he should've known not to play with a good thing.  So broke it off without shedding a tear, as tears would be to much of a hassle for me to waste on a person that is a cheater.
    So hope this doesn't deter anyone from dating, not all men are cheaters and can't be brushed with the same brush.  We actually have good guys out there that doesn't mind our differences, because it's not the differences that makes us, but the soul of the person that determines if we are worth loving or not.  I just got played and remembered at the same time, that I'm still in the controllers seat and I have the choice to allow it to continue or to put a stop to it.
    Love Michele
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