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Emma Sweet's Blog

A blog by Emma in General

  • Entries

    98

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    349

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    64,233

About this blog

Exploration and growing into my transgender self

Entries in this blog

Coming Out on National Coming Out Day

Yesterday I read this article on Transgender Universe by Mila Madison (I love her writings): Is It Safe to Come Out? You see, yesterday was National Coming Out Day. On reading the article it occurred to me that for most people the definition of "coming out" is a single event, coming out of the closet, letting others know ones true/authentic nature (sexuality, gender, etc.), and then it's done. That stirred up some thoughts for me as I considered that I came out all of the past year and see mysel
  • Emma

Hello Friends

Hello everyone, Wow, this is both exciting and a bit intimidating. First and foremost it's so fun to see my "nom de femme" in such a distinguished forum. But now that it's there, what shall I write about? I suppose my first inclination was to write some sort of diary. Honestly, I'll bet that won't be that interesting. And too, I'm a little wary of overcommitting. Let me provide a short biopic and see what comes up. Let me know if you have questions or comments and we'll see if we estab
  • Emma

Depression and Suicide

Two months after I graduated from college my mother committed suicide. In the middle of the night she'd driven off of a cliff south of Santa Cruz into the rocks and surf below. In many ways I was relieved but felt guilty for that. I felt I was supposed to cry and look bereaved so I did my best at her funeral and it seemed that everyone accepted my act. As I was growing up she was often depressed, sometimes unable to get out of bed. She was hospitalized several times, took antidepressants
  • Emma

Transgender Before Puberty

The documentary Just Gender has a short clip from a Barbara Walters 20/20 episode titled "My Secret Self: A Story of Transgender Children." You can (and I believe should) watch it here: One scene shows an 11-year old transgirl, Riley, with Barbara Walters. Riley is fully a girl on the outside and attends school as a girl although she must use the nurse's restroom. The school and students know she is biologically male and she is the brunt of childish teasing. When Barbara asks her how she
  • Emma

Constitutional Crisis

According to a Harvard law professor a constitutional crisis exists when: 1. The Constitution does not provide a clear, definitive answer to a problem; 2. The actors in the conflict appear ready to press their competing courses of action to the limit. Reading this in the NYT this morning brought forth a realization of how my ex-wife often managed her part in our marriage, which brought to mind "Marriage by Crisis." As she did from the first time I told her that I occasionally
  • Emma

Definition(s) of "Transition"

According to Google, the definition of transition is: "the process or period of changing from one state or condition to another." In the context of transgender, my sense is that it means moving toward a more final condition of living full time, HRT, and quite possibly, surgery. If you don't mind, I'd like to put a finer point on it and hear some feedback. In my career in high-tech marketing/sales we often used the phrase "we don't know what we don't know" to underscore our lack of understand
  • Emma

Happy Holidays

As we near the end of 2019 I am reflecting on the last few years. In 2014 after 57 years of suppressed shame I finally started sharing my feelings, fantasies, wishes and dreams with a therapist. With his encouragement and support I spent a lot of time on the web trying to learn more. It was then that I even learned of the word "transgender." I loved it; it felt right I never liked the words transvestite or transexual, both of which sent my shoulders up toward my ears.  I joined TGGuide late
  • Emma

I Got an F Today...

On my Washington state driver's license, that is! I sent in the US Passport revision application last week, requesting (and paying for) expedited service. I don't trust our government (you know who and if you don't what planet are you from?) to not suddenly change the rules, preventing me from obtaining this. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me please!
  • Emma

Therapist Meeting Minutes, 12/3/14

Had a meeting with my therapist this afternoon. It went fine - he's terrific. Need to continue to explore myself... Started by telling him that I’m feeling some sadness and ambivalence lately. The excitement of the gender euphoria has died down and I’m left with the enormity of wondering what to do, where I’ll end up, and how my life is going to be affected. I’ve read a lot about transgender and its definition. The first sentence in Wikipedia’s definition is: “Transgender is the state of
  • Emma

This Transwoman's House of Cards

It’s become clear to me recently that being transgender has been like living in a carefully constructed and maintained house of cards. Designed to protect me from discovery of my secret, my house has many rooms and no windows. Rooms are labeled with names like “How I’m supposed to be with people at work,” and “How I’m supposed to be with my wife,” and “How I’m supposed to be with friends.” Like any house of cards it’s prone to sudden collapse and needs continuous monitoring to detect any slippa
  • Emma

Emma's Progress Report, December 2014

What a month it’s been. It started off pretty low for me when my wife and I met with our therapist. I gave them a very open update and my wife was terribly upset. Assuming the worst (which I’m quite good at doing) I was sure that she was going to want a divorce. Thankfully she didn’t. She apologized for her reaction and assured me that she supports my explorations. Remembering those days even now still causes me pain. It’s also diminished my enthusiasm and I’ve felt drawn back into the closet
  • Emma

Going Public

Yesterday morning when I first saw mention of Businessweek's publication "Tim Cook Speaks Up," I thought it was a bit anticlimactic. Most knew that he is gay. After all, he'd led Apple's contingent at the LGBTQ Pride Parade this year and even before that the word was pretty much out. But I was deeply moved by his words and the article. Not only was he stepping out as the CEO of the Fortune 1 company (as one writer described it today in the NYT). He was inclusive of all LGBTQ people. It's n
  • Emma

Suggested Reading

One the high school classes I remember most fondly was entirely focused on reading. I took it as a senior because to get an A all one had to do was read at least 3,500 pages during the semester. I chose a book, the instructor okay'd it, I read it, reviewed it with her for about fifteen minutes, and voila! More pages added. No midterm, no final. Too cool for school. The class really changed my life as I learned how enjoyable it can be to read 500 to 1,000 page books. If you've been follo
  • Emma

Pablo Neruda

I receive a weekly email from Brain Pickings on Sunday mornings that often has inspirational vignettes. Today, they wrote, "Neruda relays an anecdote from his childhood that profoundly influenced not only his poetry but also his understanding of art and of life itself:" One time, investigating in the backyard of our house in Temuco the tiny objects and minuscule beings of my world, I came upon a hole in one of the boards of the fence. I looked through the hole and saw a landscape like that b
  • Emma

My Fever's Broken

It may be too soon to be sure but at least it feels that way. For the last 50 years I feel like I’ve had a fever that ranged from slightly above normal to scarlet, along with raging shame, depression, and self-loathing. I can’t fully express how weird it is to be writing this now with my head clear. I’m transgender, I know it, I love it, and I’m happy. (Postscript edit: I heard from Monica that she thought I was actually recovering from a fever. No, I thought it was a handy metaphor for th
  • Emma

Living the Dash

I found this poem in my father's papers a few years ago after he passed away. And I found it again yesterday as I was (finally!) going through everything, trying to tidy things up. The poem really touches my heart and I think it's perfect for us here. Living the Dash I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone From the beginning... to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth
  • Emma

Ticket to Ride on the TG Train

I've been away for a while, my trans feelings kind of minimized, as if maybe I'd gotten over it. After all, maybe it was more about hiding, lying, and finally, now that the lying and hiding and shame are mostly over, and my wife and I started deeply loving each other again, the storm had passed. Or maybe it was like Judy my gender therapist said, the TG Train has many stations along its journey, and maybe I only needed a ticket to the first or second station? But lately as the weather has gotten
  • Emma

My Fair Lady

At last week's meeting with Sandy, my voice coach/therapist, she recalled that early in our work together she'd offered to also coach me on feminine poise, mannerisms. Was I still interested? Absolutely! We thus spent a very fun hour working on my walk during which I recalled the line, "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain." As with so much in life the differences between how men and women stand and walk are subtle. For some none of this may matter but for me I want the whole package. Her
  • Emma

Dear Sugar

Have you heard of Cheryl Strayed, who has a column called "Dear Sugar?" If not, I suggest you find out about her. Check out her book "Tiny Beautiful Things." In hindsight I wish I'd included it in my Suggested Reading post. Below is a letter to her and her response. (I didn't really send it, but it's in tune with others in her book.) I'll also add that I wrote this about a year ago. I'm posting it now to reinforce my positive feelings in myself and, I hope it might help others. Dear Sugar
  • Emma

"Eat, Pray, Love"

It seems that many (all?) Seattle neighborhoods—including mine—have these small kiosks where we can drop off books for others and choose from what's there, all for free. That's just so cool for someone like me who loves to read and I often wonder if others appreciate the ones I drop off. The other day I found "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I started reading it and loved it so much. I found myself literally laughing out loud while reading it in coffee shops! On Sunday morning I curled up
  • Emma

“Transfigurations” Was Very Profound For Me

In case you’re not familiar with it, “Transfigurations” is a wonderful book of photography and associated narratives of trans men and women by Jana Marcus. I recently posted about it here: I have stepped through the on-line slideshow and video a couple of times. Profound seems like an overused word but it was definitely that for me. What I found in these pages are wonderful examples of real people simply needing to be what they are. Like me. You see, this has all been very hard for me to
  • Emma

Emma's TG History

Although professionals and others, after reviewing my history and story, have assured me that I am transgender that's been a hard pill to swallow at times. I always come way wondering if I might have consciously or unconsciously told them only what I wanted them to know or in a way that manipulates their judgement. And even if I accept that I've been as transparent as I can be I have then questioned their authority to make the determination. This has all been so exhausting, like running the whee
  • Emma

"Passing"

I never cared for the word “passing.” It sounds to me that it means one isn’t being identified as masquerading, as if the presentation (clothes, makeup, hair, shoes, accessories, mannerisms) are all so good that one is passing for female even though they’re “not really.” I don't wish to brag—transition is quite a long journey—but of late I’ve been so pleased that I’m consistently gendered female everywhere I go. I love hearing everyone referring me to as "ma'am." While driving yesterday it
  • Emma

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