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Blackangel Happenings

A blog by Blackangel in General

  • Entries

    35

  • Comments

    80

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    492,426

Entries in this blog

Blackangel Happenings

This is REALLY weird

I’ve been trying to form a smile today, but I don’t have the physical ability to do it. It’s been decades since the last time I actually smiled. It’s not that I choose not to. But I’ve always had my face in a blank expression, or an angry one. I honestly don’t know how to make that happen anymore. I don’t smile because I usually just don’t. I’m numb as it is, but I didn’t know a person could lose this kind of ability.
Blackangel Happenings

The worst day of my life

My pitbull Lady had to be put down today. It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet, despite the fact that I’ve been bawling my eyes out all day. I wish it had been me who died today instead of her. I want to die. Life’s not worth living without her. She was my goddess. My heart and soul. I fell in love with her the instant I saw her picture online all those years ago. It’s been more than 10 years, but that was still not enough time. I’m going to find the best portrait artist in the country, and get her

The Final Solution Is Wrong

Depression or sadness? Well there's a huge difference between the two. Sadness sucks. Maybe your favorite team lost the championship. Maybe your family said your meatloaf sucked. Maybe you're just having an off day. It's ok to cry. Let it out. Don't let anyone laugh at you for crying. Depression is beyond. Depression is an emotional disorder. The sufferers feel those things all day every day. They have no hope for tomorrow. They have no hope for today. They don't have the ability to get out

The Absolute Worst Thing I Have Ever Done - TRIGGER WARNING

I just want to ask everyone not to hate me after reading this. I know any respect I have gotten will be gone, and I will lose friends, but the time has come for me to get this off my chest. When I was a kid, I was taught hate. I was taught that if someone wasn't a straight, white, cis, Christian, that they were to be hated and treated cruelly. Since that was all I knew from the cradle, that's what I believed. I was dealing with a lot of feelings that I refused to acknowledge. I'm bi
Blackangel Happenings

Slipped into the ninth circle of Hell

I bruised my left lung about a week ago. The pain is so extreme that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Breathing is excruciating. Moving is excruciating. I have to sleep sitting upright because if I lay down the pain in trying to get up is so severe that all I can do is scream and fall back down on the bed. So I’m going to be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. Extra Strength acetaminophen has pretty much become like candy. My doctor is sending a scrip to the pharmacy. This pai
Blackangel Happenings

Satanism Is Actually HEALTHY

I am Satanic. I'm also Hellenistic, but we'll put that aside for this discussion. I'm a card carrying member of The Satanic Temple (TST). TST itself is a very active "church" if you will. We host protests and petition for religious equality and bodily autonomy. You have probably heard of the protest to place a Baphomet statue alongside the ten commandments monument on the grounds of the state capitol in Arkansas. Our view was that if one religion had the right to erect it's monument, then a

Salvation

I hope this one turns out long. There's not enough good things I can say about her.   In 2004 I lived in a tiny craphole apartment. It was in a rundown part of a dead town, in a rundown building. I was single and on disability. The landlords accepted section 8 housing so my rent was lowered from $350 to $160. I had internet which was $50 and cable TV which was another $50. All the utilities like power, water, sewer, etc were included in the rent so my total monthly bills were only $260
Blackangel Happenings

Redemption For A Racist

I've given a bit of insight in other blog entries to my upbringing. Well being taught racism from the moment I was born was a large part of it. Specifically towards black people. You all know the words that were common. Until a couple months ago, those words came out of my mouth more casually than "Hello" comes out of yours. I'm not even close to exaggerating. I learned it for 18 years. I unsuccessfully fought it for the next 20. Then something happened. I collect skulls. This will be relev
Blackangel Happenings

Rat Guide For Those Interested

PART 1 - CHOOSING YOUR RAT You need to decide first off whether you want them to breed or not. If you don't want them breeding then you need to choose only one sex. Either male or female. Both genders typically get along well with each other, but there is always a hierarchy. One rat will be dominant. They will "battle" for dominance, but it is almost never true violence. They tend to wrestle or box more. Once you decide on your sex, decide how many you want. Rats are social animals and will no
Blackangel Happenings

Placed In Hell 20+ Years Ago. Still Not Out. - TRIGGER WARNING: DARK

You might think I'm exaggerating. You might think I'm fantasizing. But this isn't a fantasy. Nor is it an exaggeration. This is Hell on earth. When I was in my junior year, I started noticing people in the town I went to school in acting strange when they saw me. I at first thought they realized that I would just as soon stomp them than look at them. I thought they would finally back off and leave me the * alone. I was more than off. Apparently, someone in school had gotten the bright
Blackangel Happenings

Once Upon A Time..... A Lesson Was Taught And Learned

Once upon a time, there was a foolish traveler who had gone on a journey. Why was he foolish? Well, because he was fooled by everyone he met! Everywhere he went, people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveler fell for every one of them. Please, some money for medicine… ? I have a sick younger sister… I don’t have money to buy seeds to plant in my fields. Pretty soon, his money, his clothes, even his shoes had been cheated away from

Nonhuman > Human

I don't value human life at all. Not even my own. It means nothing to me. I value nonhuman life. Be it a reptile, fish, amphibian, bird, or mammal. As long as it's not human. Why? Partially, because they are honest. They don't lie to you for personal gain. You can trust them to be honest. Their instinct is what guides them. With humans, it's the opposite. What guides us is greed. Everyone is always chasing the almighty dollar. Some just want to get by having what they need, and maybe a couple lu
Blackangel Happenings

My First 18

This one is long so You'll need some time to read it all.   I grew up in a small area. The town I originally lived in has less than 300 people. Well technically I didn't live in town I lived in the country, but screw semantics. I don't know why, but I was the one the family hated. I'm not exaggerating when I say hated. They reminded me daily how much they hated me. The first thing I remember about the abuse is my uncle. When I was 2, and still in diapers, he threw me into an above grou
Blackangel Happenings

My Family Is Beautiful

I'm not sure what is making me post this blog entry, but I just have to. I want to talk about my family. There are 6 people. That's all the family I have.   I'll start with my wife, Adrianne. She found me when I was just a couple months clean. She has done more for me than she honestly should have. She takes care of me in ways that I never could have thought someone would. She has been my rock for 17 years come October. She supports me in everything I do and everything I am. i hav
Blackangel Happenings

My Drug story.

I'm posting this in the hopes that it may help someone.   I've talked a little bit about the type of upbringing I had. It was not a pleasant one. When I was 18 I went thru 2 traumatic events within a day and a half of each other. After being abused my whole life and then that, I snapped. I started getting high. At first it was small stuff. Grass mainly. Then that didn't cut it. So I started doing other things. Blow, angel dust, acid, x, and many other things. I even tried molly and bla

Misery Unexplained

I'm not happy. I don't mean I'm having a bad day. I mean in life all around. I don't get it either. I have all my needs met, and several luxuries. So what's wrong with me? I have someone in my life that (hopefully) loves me. I have food in my house, clean water, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. So what's missing? I've always hated life. That much I know. For as long as I can remember, I've said "I don't know who I pissed off to deserve being here, but I'm sure as hell gonna make sure
Blackangel Happenings

It's Unreal.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this. I downloaded an app tonight called FaceApp. it allows you to do pretty much anything you want with a picture. Which includes seeing what you would look like as the "opposite" gender. It measures your features, and shows a realistic pic that could be achieved. So I took a selfie (I still look like a mule's rectum) and put it in the app. I found the gender swap feature. Holy freaking hell. I would be after this girl. Unlike me, she is gorgeous. Just ch
Blackangel Happenings

Is this wrong of me?

I’m laying here in bed with Adrianne. We were talking, and I asked her what I’m going to ask here. Is it wrong of me to wish I had never come out, and just continued to live as a man? It would be so incredibly much easier, but a lot more miserable too. I just don’t know what to think. So is it wrong of me to wish I had kept it to myself. That would be easier…… right? I guess I’m just scared to death about all the 🤬 that is happening against us. I fear for our lives just checking t
Blackangel Happenings

I’m Autistic

I’ve debated on posting this or not for about a year now, and finally figured, what the heck, why not? So last March (2024) I found a place in St Louis that tests adults. So I scheduled an appointment and went in. The woman evaluating me ran me through a couple tests to get a read. We were together for about an hour or hour and a half. She made sure that I knew there were neither right nor wrong answers to anything that we went over. So while I was nervous I just went in honest and hoped th
Blackangel Happenings

I wish the mind was elastic

My memory is so short and weak it’s mind boggling. I know that I will lose my train of thought and forget what I’m talking about several times in this post. I can remember next to nothing as I have no immediate and very little short term memory. The only things I can ever recall are things I would much rather forget. I wish my mind was elastic so it could stretch further. Because at the point it’s currently stretched to, it’s about to snap. Every time I speak these days, I screw up everything I’
Blackangel Happenings

I wish I was Cis

I’m so envious of cis people that it’s about to make me cry. They were born correctly, whereas we weren’t. We are the ones lucky enough to have had things go horribly wrong in utero. Cis people obviously have it easier, but more importantly they identify with their gender. They have the correct anatomy. As I said in a post recently, I want the uterus, cervix, ovaries, etc. The woman who has that is making me green with envy. I hate being halfway to who I should have been. By that I mean my mind

I Think She Wants Out

Even though she tells me otherwise, I can see in my wife's eyes that she wants out so she can find a "real man". I think the only reason she stays with me is because of my disability. She feels like she has to take care of me or something. I wish I didn't have to put her through this, and that I could give her what she wants. Sometimes I feel like I should de-transition and go back to being him. Give her what she needs. She needs a man. I don't want to lose her, so if I have to take the blow the

I Have To Rave About Her

I have to rave about my Lady. She is the love of my life. Non-human that is. I was online several years ago, and just looking at pets available for adoption, when I came across her picture. It was love at first sight. I immediately grabbed Adrianne and we went to the Humane Society to meet her. It was obvious that it was love at first sight for her too. Adrianne and I both knew she was coming home with us. But she had to meet the chihuahuas to make sure they would get along OK. For some reason,

I Feel Weird

I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. Wh
Blackangel Happenings

How do I forget her

I’m having a hell of a time getting my ex out of my mind. I don’t know why, but she’s in my mind constantly. I can’t get her out. We broke up more than 20 years ago. But she is invading my mind and thoughts all the time. I ended things because I caught her cheating on me. I was in love with her. She broke my heart. But the memories are like locusts. They violate my thoughts every day. I think “What if….” all the time. I don’t know how to get rid of her. Adrianne isn’t happy about it, but says sh

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