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Blackangel Happenings

A blog by Blackangel in General

  • Entries

    35

  • Comments

    80

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    492,428

Entries in this blog

The Absolute Worst Thing I Have Ever Done - TRIGGER WARNING

I just want to ask everyone not to hate me after reading this. I know any respect I have gotten will be gone, and I will lose friends, but the time has come for me to get this off my chest. When I was a kid, I was taught hate. I was taught that if someone wasn't a straight, white, cis, Christian, that they were to be hated and treated cruelly. Since that was all I knew from the cradle, that's what I believed. I was dealing with a lot of feelings that I refused to acknowledge. I'm bi
Blackangel Happenings

Rat Guide For Those Interested

PART 1 - CHOOSING YOUR RAT You need to decide first off whether you want them to breed or not. If you don't want them breeding then you need to choose only one sex. Either male or female. Both genders typically get along well with each other, but there is always a hierarchy. One rat will be dominant. They will "battle" for dominance, but it is almost never true violence. They tend to wrestle or box more. Once you decide on your sex, decide how many you want. Rats are social animals and will no
Blackangel Happenings

How do I forget her

I’m having a hell of a time getting my ex out of my mind. I don’t know why, but she’s in my mind constantly. I can’t get her out. We broke up more than 20 years ago. But she is invading my mind and thoughts all the time. I ended things because I caught her cheating on me. I was in love with her. She broke my heart. But the memories are like locusts. They violate my thoughts every day. I think “What if….” all the time. I don’t know how to get rid of her. Adrianne isn’t happy about it, but says sh

Misery Unexplained

I'm not happy. I don't mean I'm having a bad day. I mean in life all around. I don't get it either. I have all my needs met, and several luxuries. So what's wrong with me? I have someone in my life that (hopefully) loves me. I have food in my house, clean water, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. So what's missing? I've always hated life. That much I know. For as long as I can remember, I've said "I don't know who I pissed off to deserve being here, but I'm sure as hell gonna make sure

A Sad Realization

I'm watching Family Guy on Hulu right now. In the episode the guys are texting. Joe texts a video of a guy in a wheelchair going up a ramp real fast, doing a backflip, and landing it. I looked at my chair, which is a powerchair, and thought, "There's no way this could do it. This thing's too heavy. Then I realized what the situation I'm in is. I'm in a wheelchair because I can't walk. I'm 38 years old and have been in a wheelchair for 2 years now. I'm 38 and in a wheelchair. I have Myo

I Think She Wants Out

Even though she tells me otherwise, I can see in my wife's eyes that she wants out so she can find a "real man". I think the only reason she stays with me is because of my disability. She feels like she has to take care of me or something. I wish I didn't have to put her through this, and that I could give her what she wants. Sometimes I feel like I should de-transition and go back to being him. Give her what she needs. She needs a man. I don't want to lose her, so if I have to take the blow the
Blackangel Happenings

Redemption For A Racist

I've given a bit of insight in other blog entries to my upbringing. Well being taught racism from the moment I was born was a large part of it. Specifically towards black people. You all know the words that were common. Until a couple months ago, those words came out of my mouth more casually than "Hello" comes out of yours. I'm not even close to exaggerating. I learned it for 18 years. I unsuccessfully fought it for the next 20. Then something happened. I collect skulls. This will be relev
Blackangel Happenings

By the Gods, I hate me

I can’t stand this anymore. I hate myself so much. I hate myself because I’m crippled. I hate myself because I’m poor. I hate myself because I was the bottom of the bottom class. I hate myself because I’m transgender. I can’t stand anything about myself anymore. There is nothing redeemable about this worthless corpse. I don’t warrant any kind of self worth. So many times I feel like leaving and going back to living on the streets. Dumpster diving for food. Filling up 2 liter bottles for wat
Blackangel Happenings

Constant Shootings

This country has gone completely loco. It used to be really rare for a shooting like we see now. Especially school shootings. Now they’re almost a daily occurrence. It seems that the most dangerous ages to be are from 3 to 9 years old. Children are in extreme danger anymore. If I was a parent, I would find the money to pull my kid out of school and hire a tutor. It seems that’s the only way to keep kids safe.    Why the hell is this happening? That’s what I want to know. I’m also wonderin

An Unexpected Savior

Some years ago, before I met my wife, I was homeless. I spent 3 years on the street with nowhere to go. I lived in an old abandoned feed mill. My egg donor and female DNA match only lived a few blocks from me, but neither would take me in. During that time I was alone. Virtually. Where I was staying there was an old pile of sawdust and grain. It was about 6 feet high and probably about 12 feet wide. There was a colony of rats living in it. I would say close to 100 there. I knew that they would t

The Final Solution Is Wrong

Depression or sadness? Well there's a huge difference between the two. Sadness sucks. Maybe your favorite team lost the championship. Maybe your family said your meatloaf sucked. Maybe you're just having an off day. It's ok to cry. Let it out. Don't let anyone laugh at you for crying. Depression is beyond. Depression is an emotional disorder. The sufferers feel those things all day every day. They have no hope for tomorrow. They have no hope for today. They don't have the ability to get out

I Feel Weird

I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. Wh
Blackangel Happenings

It's Unreal.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this. I downloaded an app tonight called FaceApp. it allows you to do pretty much anything you want with a picture. Which includes seeing what you would look like as the "opposite" gender. It measures your features, and shows a realistic pic that could be achieved. So I took a selfie (I still look like a mule's rectum) and put it in the app. I found the gender swap feature. Holy freaking hell. I would be after this girl. Unlike me, she is gorgeous. Just ch
Blackangel Happenings

Is this wrong of me?

I’m laying here in bed with Adrianne. We were talking, and I asked her what I’m going to ask here. Is it wrong of me to wish I had never come out, and just continued to live as a man? It would be so incredibly much easier, but a lot more miserable too. I just don’t know what to think. So is it wrong of me to wish I had kept it to myself. That would be easier…… right? I guess I’m just scared to death about all the 🤬 that is happening against us. I fear for our lives just checking t
Blackangel Happenings

My First 18

This one is long so You'll need some time to read it all.   I grew up in a small area. The town I originally lived in has less than 300 people. Well technically I didn't live in town I lived in the country, but screw semantics. I don't know why, but I was the one the family hated. I'm not exaggerating when I say hated. They reminded me daily how much they hated me. The first thing I remember about the abuse is my uncle. When I was 2, and still in diapers, he threw me into an above grou

Nonhuman > Human

I don't value human life at all. Not even my own. It means nothing to me. I value nonhuman life. Be it a reptile, fish, amphibian, bird, or mammal. As long as it's not human. Why? Partially, because they are honest. They don't lie to you for personal gain. You can trust them to be honest. Their instinct is what guides them. With humans, it's the opposite. What guides us is greed. Everyone is always chasing the almighty dollar. Some just want to get by having what they need, and maybe a couple lu

Dying Inside More Every Day

Every day I get lower and lower in spirits. Life is increasingly less valuable to me. I don’t know what to do. I know suicide does nothing but pass the pain on. I don’t want to do that to her, but I’m wearing down so much that I’m starting to lose the will to go on. Star stopped me long ago, but he’s no longer here. I feel like I have absolutely nothing left to live for. Love is an illusion anymore, it seems. The more I think, the less I have to find happiness in. I’m not materialistic. I have w

I Have To Rave About Her

I have to rave about my Lady. She is the love of my life. Non-human that is. I was online several years ago, and just looking at pets available for adoption, when I came across her picture. It was love at first sight. I immediately grabbed Adrianne and we went to the Humane Society to meet her. It was obvious that it was love at first sight for her too. Adrianne and I both knew she was coming home with us. But she had to meet the chihuahuas to make sure they would get along OK. For some reason,
Blackangel Happenings

Broken Mirrors

I don’t know what the purpose of this post is. Maybe none. I don’t know who, what, or where I am anymore. I look in the mirror for help, but there is no one looking back at me. I don’t know how to make sense of what’s going through my head nonstop. A little further. Stop. Turn around. Stop. Full steam ahead. Stop. Where the hell do I go if none of those directions are fulfilling? Who am I? I wish by the Gods I could answer that. Am I the same loser I always was from my first memory until th
Blackangel Happenings

Once Upon A Time..... A Lesson Was Taught And Learned

Once upon a time, there was a foolish traveler who had gone on a journey. Why was he foolish? Well, because he was fooled by everyone he met! Everywhere he went, people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveler fell for every one of them. Please, some money for medicine… ? I have a sick younger sister… I don’t have money to buy seeds to plant in my fields. Pretty soon, his money, his clothes, even his shoes had been cheated away from
Blackangel Happenings

Education is all but illegal in America

Where did we go wrong? How did we devolve into such a state that simple education is threatened by bigots? History and science are all but gone from the entire curriculum. Kids today will have no clue what a chromosome is, or what the civil war was. This is one of the most sickening times in recent American memory. There was even a man who wanted to eliminate math for being “woke”, whatever that is. When I was a kid, they didn’t hold back. They told us what American history was like. And they di

Salvation

I hope this one turns out long. There's not enough good things I can say about her.   In 2004 I lived in a tiny craphole apartment. It was in a rundown part of a dead town, in a rundown building. I was single and on disability. The landlords accepted section 8 housing so my rent was lowered from $350 to $160. I had internet which was $50 and cable TV which was another $50. All the utilities like power, water, sewer, etc were included in the rent so my total monthly bills were only $260
Blackangel Happenings

Placed In Hell 20+ Years Ago. Still Not Out. - TRIGGER WARNING: DARK

You might think I'm exaggerating. You might think I'm fantasizing. But this isn't a fantasy. Nor is it an exaggeration. This is Hell on earth. When I was in my junior year, I started noticing people in the town I went to school in acting strange when they saw me. I at first thought they realized that I would just as soon stomp them than look at them. I thought they would finally back off and leave me the * alone. I was more than off. Apparently, someone in school had gotten the bright

Don't want the truth? Don't come to me.

I speak my mind. I always have. That has upset a lot of people too. I don't sugarcoat or beat around the bush. I hate it when people do that. I don't want people to do that with me, so why would I do it with them. I don't care if it's going to hurt my feelings. The only way I can grow and improve is with the unaltered truth. If I try to sing a song, and sound like I'm going through a garbage disposal ass first, then for the love of the Gods, tell me. But if you want me to sugarcoat something, it

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