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I Cried On My Wife’s Shoulder Yesterday. No, I Sobbed.


Emma

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I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh>

As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply.

Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other.

I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it.

I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks.

She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end.

She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want.

About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out.

When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too.

So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her.

Emma

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It's wonderful your wife is up front and loving. I know tears don't come easy but if you travel the HRT path, now the flood gates open. Heck I get tears from what seems very insignificant two years ago several times a week.

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Hi Veronica,

I'm so happy I was the first one to reach out to you. Honestly, I don't remember it. But I do remember Monica's reaching out to me when I joined. I guess we will never forget our "first friend at TG Guide."

It took guts to do this? I guess, but it's funny, when people say I am courageous I don't feel that way at all. Maybe I think I should look like Bruce Jenner when he won the Decathlon! But I don't.

All I can is how important you and TG Guide have been for me. I am deeply grateful.

Hugs,

Emma

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Hi Karen,

I think our comments crossed in the mail. I was writing to Veronica while you were posting to me. Yeah, I've assumed that HRT would do just that. And I'll tell you, the benefits of HRT sound amazing. For now I'm hoping I can find a happy place without hormones. I'm afraid that would be a deal-breaker for my wife. We will see! We have about a year before she may fully retire so I hope to be maintaining a steady keel by then.

Emma

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Dear Friends,

Forgive me, I don't believe "constructive criticism," should bring a person to tears.

Have a brother that I have had to back away from, who told me, "for my own good," that I was selfish, lazy, and thoughtless. Was moved to tears, too. Then, when I got home, I asked myself, "does this apply to me?" When I thought things through, I felt he was incorrect. Also, I realized he would do this to the person, whether it was his wife, his brother in law, or me, who he felt was the most vulnerable. He did this, because, by putting the other person down, he can pull himself up.

Feel she should have made "I" statements, instead of "you" statements.

For example, she could say, "I feel left behind when you are exploring becoming a woman," or, "I feel like I am losing the man I fell in love with."

The reality is, that a woman is drawn to the emotional characteristics of the "man" who is really a woman. This does not mean that she is a Lesbian. So many women who married men who later turned out to be a MTF transgender person, would say, "he was so different than all the other men I dated. He was so much gentler, kinder and considerate than any other man I dated."

In my situation, because I am a cisgender Lesbian, say, my Lesbian partner approached me and said, "I think I am a man and I want to explore it." Would support her, and, together, would explore transgender issues together. To be sure, I would tell her, that I could make no promises as to our relationship, as it is a FUNDAMENTAL change in the relationship, and it would be impossible for her and I to PREDICT where we would be when the dust settles. Would hope I would have the maturity to at least be friends . . .

It is scary . . . as we all want "forever" . . .

Your friend,

Monica

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Hi Monica,

You're correct on all counts. In fact, she has told me how much better and different I was and am from all others before me. I agree with you too that she could have phrased her feedback much better. We are all human and this is part of what we try to address in our therapist meetings. We are so fortunate to be able to have him as a resource. In fact our next couples meeting is tomorrow and evening so it's all great timing!

I do hope she decides that being a lesbian, at least from time to time, would be interesting for us. That's a dream I have. We will see. All I can do for now is try to be real, patient, and supportive to her too. Then, maybe, we can meet in the middle. I think we are getting there one small step at a time.

Hugs,

Emma

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You need to take the time and financial resources required to get through this. And that is how you can explain it to your wife.

This process is difficult for everyone. Many times our loved ones feel like we are being selfish because we are dragging them through this. Also, if your spouse has never had to support herself or family or has tremendous fear of change, there is a lot of anxiety and anger, because the peaceful life is being disrupted.

In my case, I've sacrificed my life for others my entire life and have slaved for my family so that they are well taken care of. So, being trans* is extremely upsetting because now I am the one with problems and am not the solid, strong person taking the lead. So it has been really difficult for me to even go to therapy, because I feel like I am taking money from the family. But I realized eventually that I need to be good to myself, otherwise I am good to no one. Particularly if I have a mental breakdown. How will I go to work?

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Aw you poor, poor thing! I'm very happy that your wife was there to give you the cuddle you needed at the end. Someone just to hold you so it doesn't feel like your about to cry your own soul out. I empathise totally and I'm really glad someone was there for you : ) : )

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Emma,

I agree with Lisa and Monica too, I can't see you staying in limbo for ever, if you do it will lead to mental health issues, you have to be who you really are. How far has your wife come to accpetance of your being Trans, and seemingly to me, wanting to be Transgender. We haven't communicated for a while, but I seem to recall that you were taking the softly softly approach and incrementally becoming who you want to be?

Cheers,

Eve

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