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The forms arrive with the snow

KittenNikki

Entry posted by KittenNikki

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So my breasts arrived today. Well the breastforms. I ended up getting the 1800g Motawator Silicone Breast Forms as they fit the bras I have access to and they looked like they'd be a good size for my frame and they are really fantastic.I am a little worried that it looks like I have constantly erect nipples but I'm sure I can cover those later if I go out.  The weight is really good and while the water balloons I'd been using were ok, these are a lot better at giving me the feeling I was looking for when I'd put on a bra and stuff it.  My Bree really spoils me. 

So here I am sitting in the bra I fixed, my breastforms, a turtleneck and a jumper and feeling very much in girl mode. It's exciting and I'm riding an emotional high right now. There was a little bit of intimacy between Bree and I and I think she's a little weirded out by them at the moment but she was at least curious, so that could be fun later. 

Sitting here with my own breasts hanging off of me has me thinking again about what I was talking about with Bree this morning. Part of why this had been quiet for so long until my depression kicked it up again, which isn't Bree's fault at all, but she's always made me feel wanted and makes me look at myself differently than I feel. I think that's the big reason I"M so comfortable talking about this with her now and letting her see me in girl mode and working with me in girl mode. She makes it more ok in my mind to be whatever I am at the moment and just make me feel better about being me. When she and I spent so much time talking through my feelings and thoughts and what we both were kind of expecting ultimately out of all this, it really kind of solidified a number of things and while I do honestly feel like I need to be a girl/woman some days and back in boy mode on others, even if it's just a little bit of dress up Bree makes this whole situation feel perfectly fine in my head. I really do feel like this makes everything that was screaming in my head over this quiet. 

Bree and I worked through some of the scales out there and I definitely feel mostly fit within the TV side with a few things that drift here and there. The depression has been extremely quiet and I've been feeling better mentally and emotionally these past few days than I have in a very long time. I've definitely got a lot to talk about with the counselor when I finally get to see her. Still a lot to work through, but at least this feels headed in the right direction. 

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Briannah

I'm glad I make your world okay the way you right mine when it's all spiraling around me and I can't handle it.  And I'm glad you like the boobs.  I'm a little weirded out yeah, they aren't what I was expecting, which was something more like...silicone and soft and the plastic on the outside confuses me texturally and if it's a shipping thing or an actual casing.  But I'm getting used to it and willing to keep poking at it.  :)  So be my kitten on days you need to, and days you just want to, and be my dinosaur on days you need to, and days you just want to.  I'm good with this.  We're good together. 

But um....at some point I'm going to stop feeling like this thing you got me for my bra issues is going to stop feeling like a piece of meat stuffed in my bra yeah?  Because that is weirding me out big time. 

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Emma

Depression sucks, Nikki, I know it well.  I'd expected that coming out as TG would resolve it all but found that like so many things it's like peeling back the onion.  There's more stuff inside.  The good news for me is that at least the outer layers are, finally (after goodness, more than fifty five years!), peeled back.  Take care of yourself, wade in, and allow it all to wash over you slowly and at your own pace.  There is no rush.

Bree, I fully understand your feelings about bras and breast forms.  Why not?  I can't really imagine what it's like for you of course, but then again, I think I do.  Like Nikki, take it easy and at YOUR own pace.  You're fully involved with your own feelings which are also perfectly valid.  It's so beautiful and admirable about how you're both growing together.

Warm hugs,

Emma

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Briannah

Emma, I think I'm actually weirded out worse by the evener he put on me.  It feels really like I put a piece of meat in a biggie on.  :)  

Our doctor was impressed at how much effort I put into reading what the counselor we picked is experienced in, but I know I'm horrifically complicated, and I needed a doctor who understood a wide variety, and Nikki is a lot like me.  I actually was kept on by my therapist who usually worked with just teens into my early twenties when I moved here because she was actually helping me and didn't want to risk setting me back by switching me to a different doctor.  I can't make Nikki well, but I can try to find him the tools he needs to get well himself and help him try to find that health again and support him on the bad days and the good days that will come. 

Just like he does for me.

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bluemoon

kittennikki (i kind of like nikkikitten, too), it's getting late, but just wanted to say how great it is to hear both your experiences with each other and the dialog between the two of you.

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