Am I a girl trapped in a man’s body? That was the question that was plaguing me for so long and that I thought I had the answer to, but I was also really struggling with it because my experiences and feelings didn’t fall in line with what I was seeing from other people in the community. I knew I felt like that some days and some days I didn’t at all. And I realized when I got saddled with working hours that didn’t fit with Bree’s and my depression flared up because I didn’t get to be around her much that I was having more bad days where I didn’t feel like myself than good days.

After actually working through a lot of this, mainly because I was forced to take a serious look at it, but either way really needed to, the answer to that question started to emerge. Am I a girl trapped in a man’s body? While I have days it feels that way, I am something else. When I’m in boy mode I don’t regret being there one bit. When I want to be in girl mode yes, but once I get there it’s great. I definitely bounce back and forth based on my stress and emotional needs and these past few weeks we’ve managed to incorporate some physical needs as well.

Some days I really feel one way or another. Am I ever going to be an alpha male? Hell no. Bree and I have talked about this a few times over the years and I’m definitely not the leader of a pack and am more the beta male. Even in my relationship with Bree, a lot of the time I step back and let her lead the way. There are some things that I lead on and always have but we’d both talked about this in the past. 

So where does that leave me on this gender roller coaster? Well I’ve been doing the girl/boy mode thing with Bree the past few weeks at home and it feels extremely comfortable with her. I can go with whatever I feel I am that day and she’s completely cool with it. If I’m stressy and need it I can jump into girl mode or if I’m just feeling it the option is there as well. I got off the phone with the intake call for my therapy and immediately needed to swap. It was a bit nerve-wracking to feel that way to be honest as I was completely ok with boy mode just before the call. I told Bree though and swapped over and it was fine. She was cool, I was cool and it calmed me a lot.

That’s the other thing, I don’t have to do much to jump in and feel like I’m in girl mode. 90% of the time I just grab the breastforms and a bra and throw them on under my t-shirt and jeans and I’m good to go. If I know we’re not going out that night I might toss on my new pajamas, but I don’t feel the need to really dress up much to get to that comfortable place if I need it, which is great. Most of my more feminine outfits have been reserved for more intimate occasions as Bree is exploring this as much as I am and there is a bit of kink involved with some of this.  I really enjoy stockings, tights and thigh highs both on me and my partner. That’s a long standing thing that I don’t think will ever go away and I can blame the Rocketeer for that one.

Being so amazingly comfortable with Bree around and me in my different modes along with her far more extensive research (she went at it with a lot less bias then I did) I’m finding I’m much more in the crossdresser/transvestite classification on those psych charts than I’ll ever be in the transgender side of things. I don’t think HRT will ever be for me even though I’d been steered that way before. It’d definitely something to go far more in depth with my councilor about when we get to sit down next month and even then I’m betting it’ll be a few sessions before we really get into it, but I don’t get the feeling that I’m in the wrong body all the time and while I don’t hate my male bits, I do think I need to exercise more and lose some weight, but other than that and the body and facial hair I’ve always loathed, I’ve been pretty happy all around, especially with Bree backing me up. She’s been amazing and I’m lucky to have her and I’ve realized that even more since she found out my secret and we started talking. 

I do feel like this dark cloud has been lifted or at the very least parted and the light of my life is keeping that depression monster at bay and all my coping mechanisms aren’t just coping anymore but are actually damaging that ugly beast. Hopefully with the therapy that will get pushed back even more. I’m not foolish enough to think it’ll ever truly go away, but if I can make it this far I can push it back far enough that it won’t run my life like it had the past few years.  Boy mode or girl mode, I just want to be happy with Bree for the rest of our lives.