Hiya Briannah. Being A Fully; Full-Time; Transitioning; Transsexual; I Wear some Very Pretty Black Bra's; Black Knocker's; Black Suspender-Belt's; And Black Stocking's. ( I do Not like Tight's, I find Them uncomfortable ! ). I Love Pretty Dresses, or Blouses/Top's and Skirt's.  Having lost 14 Inches ( U.K. ) from My Waistline, having lost over 3 Stone's ( U.K. ) in Weight. I have got the Complete Confidence to Wear All these out in Public. I Never liked Clothes Shopping, before I started Transitioning. Since living Fully; Full-Time; as Female; I Love Female-Clothes Shopping. My local  Marks and Spencer store, and My local BHS ( British Home Stores ), are where I normally shop for My clothes.  Briannah, Nikki is lucky to have You to shop with. I do everything Myself. As long as the two of  You can enjoy shopping together, that can only be a Positive. Briannah, if the two of You can keep talking, I don't think that You will go far wrong. ( If either of You want to talk at any time, and want to P.M. Me, Please feel free. Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes to You Both, Stephanie. xxxx 

Oh, shopping for me triggers my body dismorphia like crazy.  Shopping to me is a fairly traumatic event that i try to do in secret shame at my computer as often as possible.  In fact, most of the stuff I have that actually looks nice and isn't catering to my let me be invisible weirdness is stuff Nikki picked out for me.  It's a weakness for me, so Nikki is going to start doing the shopping for us both in general since he genuinely enjoys it and I will work on my dismorphia first by tackling this rowing machine thing and working to being able to join a gym and work in front of others.  One step at a time.  I lifted the ban I had on him photographing me, and am learning to embrace the feeling of watching him point the camera at me.  I still have problems LOOKING at the pictures, but getting there.  Conquering our issues together and easing each other into things is really helping both of us.  And Nikki has a firm grasp of what I actually actively hate in clothes, we went thorugh a ton of clothing magazines together so he could unlcok some inner secret Bree sense of style I don't even know I have.  LOL

Dear Bree,

Your post is triggering some guilt in me. I'm not confident that my advice or feedback is correct, so please let me know how it sits with you.

First, the rule that if she buys something for herself that she must buy something she wants to see you in. Well, I am not happy with rules like that, especially when it comes to gifts. And when you also throw sex into the equation, I am afraid this rule adds baggage that may hurt more than it helps. My suggestion: withdraw the rule and just say "hey, if you see something pretty for me, I love surprises!" Then it's fun for both of you instead of a duty.

Second, you wrote "... feeling more appealing to him." I don't know where that is coming from but it's sad to hear. Clearly you feel the need. I wonder if it would help more if you focus on feeling more appealing to yourself than to him. For when we feel good about ourselves we are all more attractive, no? Also, we cannot control others and here again, sexual attraction is very delicate. I worry that you add a load to your shoulders by thinking you need to be "more anything." 

Hugs,

Emma

P.S. Pronouns in the TG world are kind of touchy and challenging. The suggested protocol is to ask the trans person what they prefer. Has Nikki told you? It's just that I assume that with a pretty name like that she would prefer feminine pronouns. Perhaps she doesn't care or want it and I don't mind then of course. 

No feedback is good.  Nikki and I always welcome it, and to go over it together and figure out how to sort it out in our life.  We've always known to listen to others, and that ultimately what works in our marriage is something we have to figure out as we go from talking to each other and friends. 

This whole thing came about from the spending habits Nikki has vs. Bree.   He's SO much more of an impulse shopper than I am, and has a tendency to forget occasionally I want some things too.  When I suggested that he's complaining because I don't buy things like that to wear for him, he brought up the old video game thing as he's starting to spend more and more and I'm getting less and less (which I Don't mind, we're starting out a new phase and he needs things, but this could become a habit again).  However, due to my dismorphia self-images that I am fully working on, I can't look at those things and think they will do ANYTHING for me, and even though I went fully to buy them to wear for him because I know he wants me to, I run full speed away.  However, the stuff like that I have that he buys me is slowly eroding that, and I wear it for him and am starting to feel like MAYBE it does something for me, and am slowly eroding that, but not there yet.  We're trying to navigate a really complicated set of needs in the terms of both our psychological issues and day to day personality habit issues.  He was all over this rule.  You'd have to ask him if he views it fully as an easy way to curtail his impulse shopping and keep me in mind, or if he's backdooring around my issue to help support me.  It's probably both.  And honestly< I've been telling him for years I like presents and surprises, and only ever get them on my birthday and xmas before we started the video game rule.  He's not the spontaneous type my Nikki.  He's been putting lists of wardrobes for both of us, and really enjoys shopping.  I will talk to him about this again though, I really do take feedback seriously.    I just also think he finds a certain level of comfort in having a plan like that and give me some warning some new incoming garment to adjust to internally before waving something at me I'm not sure which end is up and hoping for a good reaction if I'm having a bad day. 

Where that comes from is my body dismophia.  I have a really skewed self-image from my upbringing to the point I really felt there was no point even TRYING to control my weight issues, my face is so bad and crooked that being fat was better so people would look at that instead.  I'm a LOT improved than I was when Nikki met me, and I keep getting better.  I have lifted the ban on photos.  I am wearing the things he gets me and assuming he likes it and it's not some twisted joke.  I'm wearing look at me clothes out in public starting this year, something I never did before.  I'm getting there, but like finding the true self for a dysphoric, finding true comfort with one's self is as long, slow, and etremely painful process for a dismorphic.  Conversely, it helps me understand Nikki better. 

We absolutely had the conversation.  Nikki has told me directly he's most comfortable when I use male ones.   I thought I mentioned that somewhere along the way, but I may have forgotten.  I asked him if he views himself as my husband or my wife, and he thought hard on that one and came back with husband because of his feelings, and not mine which was waht I wanted to know, what his feelings were; I'd already made clear I'd do my best to full adapt either way.  He's been doing a lot of self exploring and coming to me later lately, and is working through what his feelings are, and he couldn't decide what to choose for promouns.  Originally he contacted the transgender sites and started to try to form a self-image from them, without questioning.  He was hurting, and answers are easier than exploring when Nikki hurts.  Me stumbling into this has allowed him to tap my history of therapy and self-exploration skills (which while not perfect or I'd not have had a meltdown yesterday) are fairly strong.  Otherwise I'd have no hope of working myself to improve with the dismorphia and i would be competing for financial resources for Nikki for therapy.  My physician is keeping an eye on my mental progress, and is satisfied that while therapy would make it easier, I am actually making progress and agrees that NIkki probably needs it more.  Tapping into my research skills and ability to connect a broad range of related topics vs. his ability to get REALLY Detailed information on specific, narrow topics has presented him with a wide range of a spectrum to explore and find who he is with, vs. trying to fit into a specific narrative that shares some symptoms but told me he was extremely uncomfortable with the full pictures.  He shared with me that he is often out of step with some of the prevailing views in some places, and still finding himself.  If he changes his mind about who he is and what is going on, I'll adjust with him.  Bree is not being rude, honest.  She's going with what Nikki told her to go with. 

And his name, well, that comes from me, and it's only for our trangender foruming.  He's absolutely uncomfortable with people finding out while he's figuring all this out for himself.  And he didn't know what to call himself, so I suggested KIttenNIkki because we have a shared love of wereleopards, and Briannah and her sister Nicolette (Nikky for short) were characters in a story I'd written to amuse him once about them.  That thing needs to never see the light of day, it was bad.  LOL  The actual name he'd probably use if he wasn't uncomfortable with that would be a unisex one he likes and has been his nickname the entire time I've known him anyway. 

Hi Emma, thanks for the concern on my welfare, but Bree is right on the money with this. Since I'm basically fluctuating here she and I talked about it and it's perfectly fine for her to use the male pronoun. I'm completely ok with this as right now my boy mode days far out number the girl mode days. We both had long discussions over this as she's been extremely sensitive to my needs on things and given what I think is going on and my feelings she's using the right one. 

The buyone for me get one for her rule is one I also really agree with. It's something that we carried over from the video games and everything else anyway. When I spend money on myself she gets to spend later on herself if there's nothing she wants at the time. Given that she wants me more involved in clthing options for her to get her wearing things I want to see her in, the buy one for me get one for her model works beautifully. 

I do appreciate the worry, but these are things she and I discussed and given how amazing she's been with me over this even with her own issues to work through I'm more than willing to work with her on a few things to and the buying 1 to 1 rule works for me.

Just to be clear, I don't mean creepy matching pieces.  I mean he likes whatever he likes, and then another item for me that would work better for my different shape and coloration from his.  I'm not going into creepy I wanna be a Nikki clone land.