emma, it sounds like you are continually progressing in accepting yourself more and more fully as transgender... exploring and even questioning yourself and answering your questions in different ways over and over again is probably part of that process, and especially valuable with the support and validation of others. that's just what you and probably all of us need to help in that process. you seem to usually come away from your therapist with more appreciation of yourself as emma and of course all of us here cherish you that way. I wonder if part of your explorations also involves the uncertainty of to what extent you identify as a female and how far you need and want and can optimally  go in that, which may be two or three or more different things.   

​Yes, I'm making gradual progress, thank goodness. A big part of my progress is thanks to my wife's acceptance. Together our marriage is also gaining strength which is delightful.  

As to your query, well, I don't really know. I'm hoping (and I'm sure my wife is too) that what I have now is satisfactory. I think it is. There are times when I wish quite seriously that I could go out and just be Emma all the time. But at those times I also consider that that wish is coming from a wish that I had been born female and since that's obviously not going to happen I'm not convinced that transition would solve as much as I would like while I am sure it would dramatically affect my life with my wife.  So for now I'm taking it a day at a time. There is more for my wife and I to work out. She doesn't know that I have this other name for myself (Emma) and has not seen me dressed in more than my nightgown. Eventually I would love it if we can be comfortable together at home, regardless of my presentation. But that is a lot to ask and it cannot be rushed. She's come so far in the last year and we are both gradually adding confidence in ourselves and each other.  And I do still have my bad days and I'm sure there will be more. Just not today and I'm grateful for that.

Thank you for your thoughtful note. It helps me so much to have my friends here.

Hugs,

Emma

You look amazing!!!   I love that shirt.  I'm a huge fan of tunics.  Sorry this  is short in bed with iPad still sick

emma, that's exactly the soft, quiet tone of patience, awareness, and caring that I've felt from you before, where you seem to have created a space within yourself and your life and your relationship with your wife that allows emma to be there, even if behind the scenes, without overreaching the limits of what's possible. i admire your wisdom in this, but also know that inside is that sadness for not having been born female, or at least anatomically female, and the loss of everything that might have been that way, and that even with all possible transition it would still never be the same as that. when you feel that sorrow is when you need extra kindness toward yourself and your femaleness and you're still who you are no matter how you're dressed or seen by others. i just realized something interesting and valuable that i have to think about more... while I'm mostly content and appreciative of my dual gender, occasionally i wish for being all female, but I've never wished for being all male. i have to ponder that more.

Love the top!

I think your therapist's advice was great - "stop thinking" - that came up recently when I was doing my volunteer hours (peer counseling) and the client who came in was "concerned about transgender thoughts" - he was quite smart, a college student, and clearly was spending a lot of time analyzing the situation from an academic perspective - I was trying to find subtle ways to share that same advice, to stop thinking!  I know from my own experience that I can over-analyze and there are just situations where that will drive you crazy ("analysis paralysis" is what one therapist called it)