Hi all

The question always comes up, never mind if you thought you've got control over ever part of your life, there is always something out of sink...  I guess it's natures or life's way of saying that you have a lot to learn girl, just deal with it or parish in your self loathing pity party.

The first one I would like to address is...

Why did I have to be trans and not cis???

Well, I don't know the answer to that, but it's what my heart, head and well every single part of my body dictates for me.  And if I have to look at it, probably because of the strength I've got on the inside.  Because I wouldn't and couldn't have been so vocal about what I feel if I never experienced any struggles in my life.

Yes it was easy for me to know who and what I am today and when I was a child, but that doesn't mean I had it easy either.  My mom with her gang (the two siblings in the middle a brother and sister) that tormented and bullied to get what they want, and me ignoring them for the greater part of my life.  Yes they definitely wanted a CIS sibling that was muscular and a manly man.  Sis on them, but that is probably why I discontinued any sorts of relationships with them for the greater part of my life, and live by a total different set of rules.  And the thing is, I went to a church service a few days ago.  Probably because my wiccan ass needed to find spiritual enlightenment and to find an answer to why I hated myself so or the mood I was in at the time.  Yes, I needed to find out why I was still kicking myself for something.  I found the answer somehow unbeknown to me, and I learned that the most important part of me currently is running on hatred towards myself for allowing what I couldn't stopstop an attack where a car was used..  Yes your hardest criteria are for yourself and no one will take that spot you've been trying to make even if you know, the world dealt you cards and incidentsincidents to either build you stronger, or destroy you because you lost the will to continue the fight.

The second part is...

Will I ever trust anothers heart with myself???

Well as I am growing older, I'm not certain that love is for everyone and that I am destined to be a singleton.  But yes, I am a romantic at heart and think that everyone has a heart out there that completes them.  Yes, I know this to be true, but my trusting issues are holding me back to going out there to do just that.  But that same thing that is known is also the thing in life that puts fear or a bad taste in your mouth.  Then the fact that you are trans and should also find love in life, but let's get it clear that we would love to find that one person that doesn't matter if you are trans or cis and would love and respect you for the pure fact that their is that bond of love between you, that connection that keeps you wanting that person, because you are safe in that relationship.

But will I allow this for me, I don't know and currently think that I won't just because of who I am and what I've been through.

Third thing I want to address is...

Why does your love of things and way you are dictate to people who you are?  Is it subjective or objective???

Well I am a trans female and if we look at the way I walk, talk, act and move, you'll see a female moving about and then my love for eating, shooting, cars, firearms, swords, knives (let's just say weapons and get it over with), fighting styles and kicking some guys ass for messing with me.  And yes, I know I can't win every fight, but I sure as hell have won all my fights psychologically even though my butt was kicked by that person.

Well subjectively and objectively I still don't know if love is meant for me.

Seeing that I said more then enough and left some questions partly answered, I'll say.

Be safe in the knowledge that we are loved and need to know who we are and accept what life has in store for you.

Hugs and kisses

Michele