Welcome! I can certainly relate to the feelings you're expressing. Wow, so many years... For me, finally coming to terms and acceptance of myself reminds me of the relief I felt as a child when I was unburdened by, finally, admitting the truth. 

I don't mean to frighten you but please allow yourself time and patience. The mind does many things to protect us and some of those things take a while to adapt. One piece of good news is that TGG is a warm and friendly place.

BTW: should we call you Monk?

Hugs,

Emma

Yes monk is fine. Thank you. I have been advised to move slowly and silently. 

Not silently.  Talking is good.     find your truth, whatever it is, and then choose your path to it.  

Bree is very wise, kind, and has good advice. Keep talking, don't withdraw into a shell. It can feel cozy for a short while but it's not very helpful in sorting things out.

Friday 4-1-16 continue to gather information, reading blogs and articles, looking for local resources. Making plans to go into city to visit resource center. Im scared, anxiety rising, also excited. Feelings suck.

No no, feelings are what it's all about.  It's why life is worth living.  Some are harder than others to be sure, but they ALL serve a purpose.  Fear is there to make us be cautious in life, to pay attention to what is going on around us and keep us mindful of protecting ourselves.  It's not pleasant to feel, but it's so important.  Don't look down on fear, use it as the tool it is and master it to help you in your life journey.  The so called negative emotions are strong and not fun to have, so people want to not feel them and there is a tendency to ignore their purposes in our life. 

I find the best way to being a stronger person is to embrace it all, and use them to help me know what is going on around me that is causing the feeling and what I should be doing about it.  I master them, not the other way around. 

Thank you Bree, i have run from, hidden from, and drowned my feelings and emotions all my life. My therapist has been working on getting me to recognize them and to deal with them. I am not sure i will ever be able to just feel something for what it is. Good or bad. Feel like turning my back on this and showing a happy face to people. My head and heart are in turmoil,  i so want to explore this side of me. Pity pot time: maybe i am destined to live in a shell. Never noing what true happiness is. Slap me in the back of the head for that comment. 

My therapist suggested a book that I really liked, and I have read many of these kinds of books. Most of them didn't do much for me, except for those by Brene Brown. Anyway, this one provides a very interesting and logical framework for how I learned patterns for dealing with emotions, and provides some ideas on how to address them. It might help you too: "Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want".

​Mastering your emotions is a skill, you learn it.  Of course your not sure right now, you're just starting on the journey to opening the boxes and dealing with them.  Just like every other life skill, you're not going to be a supreme master at it on day one because you want to!  It's a process, and will take work and effort both alone and with a good therapist, but you CAN learn it.  Part of what is getting in your way is the self doubt.  Put that away.  It's not helping you.  This is a skill, not an innate talent.  If you don't have it today that is perfectly fine, you can develop it with time.  A little at a time.  Just like a skill at a job, it takes time and practice.  You'll be fine!  Trust me.

Sat 4-2-16 i had a great conversation with a friend last night. She gave me something's to start working on that i didn't even think of. Working on my voice, think of some names, even shopping for a bra. She said she would go with me, WOW that shocked me. Have several things i am determined to get done this week. Feeling energized, got myself a manicure. Thank you everyone for being here. 

Thank you everyone for your patience, understanding, and wisdom. I was able to over come my anxiety today and bought a bra. It feels amazing just wearing it for a short time. Not enjoying shaving areas that have never seen a rozor. I suppose some things take time to get used to. Text with friend gave me some more tips on how to proceed. 

I think only true masochists really enjoy shaving, the rest of us do it (if we do at all) pretty much under protest.  That is true for both men and women, the whole process is a somewhat uncomfortable and risky endeavor all things considered.  There is a reason Nikki glares at me and reminds me Nair exists if he sees a razor in my hand.  LOL  It's not going to end well for anyone involved.

4-6-16 i can't do this. Im to old and set in my ways. To many things involved. Thank you everyone for the support you have given me. I wish you all well. 

You can do anything in the world you want to do.  But you can't do it all on a timeline, you have to search along the way, make a change here, a chagne there, until you reach where you want to be.  Trying to change and settle anything in life RIGHT NOW isn't really possible.  Look at each step along your path in life.  IF we looked at our whole lives and what we have to face, we'd all give up.  *Hugs*

April 16, hello everyone. Here again. I have been miserable, angry, binge eating and not doing anything for myself. I realize that i can't change everything overnight, that small subtle changes where making me feel good about myself. Suppressing my true inner feeling's and emotions is going to lead back down a path i don't want to travel again. I have people that are very supportive and caring on here and who i can talk to face to face. I am going to take it slow, little changes here and there, but some progress is better than no progress. Thank you for being here.

Hey welcome back!  Here's a hug!  It's normal to want everything right now, and get frustrated when you realize that can't happen about anything.  You didn't get your education in a month.  You didn't learn to ride a bike in five minutes or less.  Everything in our lives takes time, and that's okay.  Try new things, keep up the changes you like, drop the ones you don't, and slowly you will find your happy.