Seriously, some days I don't even know.  Nikki has gotten a diagnoses, so that's good, however, he's been on a roller coaster of moods because next she wants to talk about the childhood abuse.  So from moment to moment I have very little idea what is going on in his head right now  and keep 'stepping in it' as it where.  I wish I was better with the random, he needs support not clumsy right now. 

The dog comes in last night, and apparently found something that died horribly and instead of avoiding it like a normal mammal who possesses, you know, A NOSE, she in her infinite doggy wisdom decided to ROLL in it.  So it turned into some sort of Benny Hill/Three Stooges chase scene comedy crossover with us trying to herd her into the shower and keep her from touching ANYTHING and spreading that hideous smell around the house.  Nikki took one for the team and got in with her and scrubbed her down good while I gagged and struggled not to lose it.  Very susceptible to smells I am.  And it was horrid.

So my Mom, instead of calling the doctor when something starts to go wrong like a normal person, AGAIN waits until it has reached a crisis point and is in the hospital for pneumonia.  And I am too tired to care to be strait up honest.  She bring it on herself, and there is nothing more I can really do.  I sometimes honestly wonder if she has some sort of Munchhausen's weirdness going on.   So of course other family members are crawling all over me because FAAAMMMILLLLY and she's my MMMOOOTHHHERRR like she actually ever did anything but read crappy romance novels until I pestered enough that she would finally make some food, and that was what passed for raising me.  And spent my entire adult life bitching because I didn't let a failed marriage destroy my desire for happiness like she did and continued dating which she told me was 'stupid and I should have learned better from my divorce' and really resented me for doing well and having nice things with Nikki.  *headdbang*

But Nikki took me to the zoo and I FINALLY got to see the new sea turtle that I have been trying to visit for a year, the one he bought me a zoo pal support membership to help care for her costs and put my name on a board for Christmas, and she looked back at me, and we had a moment.  It was magic.  Nikki had a fairly good time even though we were only there for like and hour and a half, but he likes it when I get super excited and lose my mind over the animals at the zoo.  AND THEY HAVE A TOUCH TANK NOW!  And it has my favorite thing ever inside, rays!  The most adorable little brown bat rays, omg so soft like stingrays and amazing little guys.  Nikki made a Jurassic Park 2 joke about me always having to touch things, and well, yeah!  LOL

Got SUPER frustrated with Nikki when I just wanted a simple yes, please budget so we can to go the TransOhio symposium or no I'm not interested.  I know depression makes even simple things complicated, but I just wanted a yes or not answer.  Settled for him sending a bunch of questions about the event to the person who mentioned it to us to see if it's a thing he'd like to do. 

Then got my monthly and hit full on hormonal CRAZY levels, which rarely happens to me, but I'm under a lot of stress trying to get everything together by August. And I just had a quiet meltdown.  Nikki is used to my meltdowns being dramatic nuclear bombs, and it took him a minute to realize something was off, and when he asked I just lost it and started hysterically freaking out about all the financial issues, health issues, and how overwhelming it is and how unqualified I feel to do anything about any of it and how lost I am in it all and he just took over for a while, and calmly solved the problems, and reminded me alot of the solutions were mine and I'm good at handling things I'm just feeling a little crazy right now.  And crampy.  And not sure if it isn't the cystic kidney disease that is cramping, they're in a weird place, I might be bursting another cyst, in which case I'll be lucky to be walking around tomorrow. 

Then we went and grocery shopped, got a lot of fruit and some veggies, less junk, and he put into motion some food change plans we created to save money AND eat healthier.  And we replaced the patio set in the backyard like we decided last year.  My best friend is going to take the old one and get it new cushions.  I told her she can expect delivery next week, she invited us to play games and hang out since ti's been AGES.  She told me yes, she envies the hell out of me even with all the issues I'm facing (the depression is SO scary) because at his core Nikki is always thinking about me and trying to work with me, and her husband isn't like that.  And that spending time with us being affectionate and fun together makes her happy.  And she promised to spend more time in my pool with me this summer, SCORE!  I love company in my pool. 

So upside again, I have a lovely new set.  We picked the table from one, and the chairs from another.  We're kinda picky, and we hated the table that came with the swivel chairs and we hated the chairs that came with the round faux tile mosaic topped table we liked, so mix and match it is.  And miraculously it all fit in the minivan we forgot to take the back seat out of.  LOL 

Had a long talk with my best friend(not just about the furniture, I swear!), Nikki's coworker with his blessing, and told her everything that's been going on, and it was a great talk and she understands my fears and thinks I'm dealing well with all the crazy my mom is inflicting and we talked about her issues and just had that kind of talking about all the bad things but feeling better about it cuz your with your best friend kinda thing.  Came home and made pizza with Nikki, who then went to bed starting his new getting more sleep regimen to support his recovery.  She was immediatley worried if she'd offended him with anything she was working on for her transgender paper for one of her classes, shes' studying nursing.  I told her nope, he was just scared she wouldn't like him anymore, and she said he's silly, she loves us. 

So right now i have zero idea what I'm feeling, sorta internally being pulled in many directions, but one constant remains, our asshole neighbors are watching my front thinking we're going to put the old set they keep trying to take because we 'don't use it enough' and they're finally going to get it free.   I hope they stay up all night waiting to grab it.   Mean Bree laughter.  Seriuosly, they once came to my door announcing they were going to move it to their yard since we 'didn't use it enough'.  I was VERY CLEAR that was so not happening.

I think I need a slice of the fudge I bought at that zoo.  Fudge is magic, it will fix everything.  Don't tell me if it won't.  And soon it will be time to put the pool up. SO excited!  Pool is magic too.