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Lie Monster

freebree

Entry posted by freebree

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 Lie Monster

   Being that most things in my life have gone wrong, I have hated my life for a long time now and I have even more reason to hate it. I live my life in a lie. It is no lie that I love my wife and no lie that I really care. She can never see it nor can I ever show it. It has always been difficult to connect with anyone. I can connect with kids and dogs, but not people. I showed love before, why can’t I do it now”?

 

    I feel so distraught in my relationships. Not even I understand, but I think that I’m starting to. I frequently feel depressed, my Dr. claims that I have the worst case of depression that she has even seen, but I don’t see it. I also seem to be oppressed as if something or someone is holding me back. It is imperative to be friendly to have friends, but friends also need to be fed to remain being a friend. Sometimes I can be friendly and on occasion I do make friends but just don’t maintain the relationship.

 

    On several occasions I have been told that I have an addictive personality. Sometimes, when I reflect on that statement I realize that it might actually be true. and that I get too wrapped up in myself.  I can spend hours on things that I like, frequently think about other people, but rarely follow through with what I’m thinking.. Maybe I am being selfish, but addictive? Not to everything though. My dad is an alcoholic and because of that and out of fear of becoming one too, as a kid, I swore never to pick up that first drink. Many kids say one thing then when they grow up do another, then tell our kids to do as I say not as I do as our elders told us :-) No matter how drunk or how often that I was I never did get addicted to booze. It has been several years since I was drunk. I might accept a drink if offered or I might not. However, with the first cigarette I  was addicted for twenty years I wasted money on that worthless… And now it’s the internet and I’ll admit that I postpone things that should be done before I settle in for the night. I don’t practice my religion as much, (my bible is online :-} ). In addition, ( just like I used to believe that TG was a sin) I didn't like poetry, but now here I am just recently discovering that I am a MtF poet and have been neglecting my poetry. As I sit writing this and reflecting on what I have told so far I’m beginning to see that maybe that I am more addictive than I once believed..

    I feel so helpless to find myself here day in and day out living in this lie too. It is just too hard. I can’t leave my wife in the state that she is in. I can never bring myself to hurt her, leave her with so much more responsibility. She can barely handle what she does now and her condition is getting worse. I can’t leave her knowing that she can’t hold up financially alone. I can’t leave until I know that she knows how much that I really love her and know that she is taken care of.  As much as my body craves and aches to transition. This really hurts, To make her live her life as a lie or to devastate her world with my truth. I am a monster.  

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freebree

freebree

Posted

oops!!!

 This is so crazy :o I don't know... when I  deleted the comment of EmmaSweet I was trying to clear this page and start over. :huh:

I'll just come out and say that I'm not even thinking of hurting myself and if I don't use the cursive font can I still use the purple? I want my blog as friendly as possible. :)

 

 

 

 

​

​

  • Like 3
Briannah

Briannah

Posted

The purple is fine to me, and while I can read either font ,this one is clearer.  I think with the depression and not being able to see it, that is part of the disease.  It's an insidious disease the robs people of their ability to view what is happening to them clearly, which is why it's so hard to fight, or even realize you have something to fight.  I have been in it, and Nikki is doing battle with it now, so I've been up close with it both inside and outside, and the view is radically different.  I'm learning so much about a lot of mistakes I made just seeing the difference between how Nikki is processing under it's influence vs. how he normally does.  It's not easy, and I'll send you all the hugs I can.  :)

I"m not really qualified to help with how to balance living with your life and your transgenderism, I'm a partner and looking at that from the outside in, all I can do is wish you the best possible outcome for you and her both, whatever form that is. 

  • Like 4
MonicaPz

MonicaPz

Posted

Dear Freebree,

Am concerned about your inability to connect with people.  Is this all people, or just some people?  If it is all people, I strongly advise you to learn all you can about Asperger's Syndrome, most of whom have difficulty connecting with people.  Many of them can not look people in the eye.  

About your depression . . . is this transgender related or have this been an issue in all areas of your life?  There are forms of depression that is caused by situations (ie, poverty, unemployment, loneliness, etc.) and other forms caused by biochemical imbalances.

Generally, I give a therapist six months to help me "get to the bottom" of things, and, if I don't see improvement, go on to another therapist.

Hope this helps.

Yours truly,

Monica

  • Like 1
Emma

Emma

Posted

Hi Bree,

No problem about deleting my reply!  And, like you, I love purple. In fact, I'm going to use it myself here and now.  I'm glad that you're not contemplating hurting yourself.  Please read carefully what Veronica and Monica wrote.  They both have a lot of wisdom.  

BTW, I was not happy to read that people have said you have an "addictive personality."  I think that is nonsense.  Sure, you might be addicted to something and need to work on that.  But having a "type" of personality like that?  I hate labels, I really do.  Especially when it's from people who likely don't know what they are talking about or what you are experiencing.  If you only knew what's been said about me over the years:  "You're too sensitive."  Okay, well thanks very much.  Now, what am I supposed to do with that?

Veronica's correct: it's often a defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves by closing ourselves off.  And that defense is learned in our amygdala way back when we are small children, and triggers a fight or flight response.  If you're like me, it's all flight and withdraw, and then, I turn those feelings on myself.  Over and over again.  Who wouldn't be depressed in such a situation?  It's hard to break those patterns, I'm working on it.  But that's especially when we need help from our therapist(s) and hopefully, spouses.  

With respect to being more open with your wife, I was lucky in that my therapist agreed to seeing the two of us. There were certain conditions in that he didn't want to play favorites or have her feel like he was only there for me.  It was fantastic as, gradually, I was able to tell her what was and is going on for me in a much safer environment.  It is stressful and emotional, but I really could not do it without his help.  So that's an idea.

Warm hugs,

Emma

  • Like 2
freebree

freebree

Posted

 

Simply, your emotionally closed off. That nasty little self defense mechanism that lets you go through life like a drone, until your all done with the day and you are by yourself and it starts to sink in.  This is what healing feels like. Emotions HURT like a big dog when they start to come back! Like when you've out been playing pond hockey too long and you have to thaw your skates before you can get them off! OWIE! 

 

 

​Oh wow, Veronica, that's it "Simply, your emotionally closed off." The weird thing about that is that; when I was about 5 I wanted to turn my feelings off because I thought that they were too feminine. Then for whatever reason all the other kids at school shunned and ignored me so I began to collapse emotionally and, I guess that I never learned to interrelate socially. Although there are those very rare times that I meet someone that causes me to come out of my comfort zone for a time. ;) BTW I never had to..."

playing pond hockey too long and you have to thaw your skates before you can get them off! OWIE! "

 

Start with the smallest, most important step. Your wife. It's plain to see she is the center of your Universe. Start there. Fix that part of your life first. That's the hardest one. Sounds like you and your wife have been through a lot together. Maybe she needs a change too? And I'm not saying as in leaving you. I am saying as in your married life.

 

​I'm sorry. but as long as I'm trans she will never allow herself to stay with me, (it's her land, I'd leave). she is hard core disciple, (as she prefers) of Christ and very set in her convictions. Only God would be able to convince her otherwise. T_T. I am never going to be able to turn away from this Dysphoria its too hard T_T     T_T      T_T​

  • Like 2
freebree

freebree

Posted

Dear Freebree,

Am concerned about your inability to connect with people.  Is this all people, or just some people?  If it is all people, I strongly advise you to learn all you can about Asperger's Syndrome, most of whom have difficulty connecting with people.  Many of them can not look people in the eye.  

About your depression . . . is this transgender related or have this been an issue in all areas of your life?  There are forms of depression that is caused by situations (ie, poverty, unemployment, loneliness, etc.) and other forms caused by biochemical imbalances.

Generally, I give a therapist six months to help me "get to the bottom" of things, and, if I don't see improvement, go on to another therapist.

Hope this helps.

Yours truly,

Monica

​I'm sorry Monica I'm getting tired, but I know about Aspenger's Syndrome my 17 y.o. had been diagnosed with it and after living all these years I can say with much certainty that I don't have it. Now to tell you where I think my depression is rooted I'm going to quote myself;:D ​

​Oh wow, Veronica, that's it "Simply, your emotionally closed off." The weird thing about that is that; when I was about 5 I wanted to turn my feelings off because I thought that they were too feminine. Then for whatever reason all the other kids at school shunned and ignored me so I began to collapse emotionally and, I guess that I never learned to interrelate socially. Although there are those very rare times that I meet someone that causes me to come out of my comfort zone for a time. ;) 

 

​

  • Like 2
freebree

freebree

Posted (edited)

Hi Bree,

No problem about deleting my reply!  And, like you, I love purple. In fact, I'm going to use it myself here and now.

​LOL :D Hey girl don't try to steal my style! he he he :lol: No, use purple if you want, or any other color, on this board, that's fine honey. :)

Edited by freebree
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