Take a deep breath. Count to ten, scream and shout then cry a bit and look for the positives in your life. Sometimes life is like a shed full of stored stuff. When it's full we have to sort what to keep and what has to go. Not easy. I had a hundred old shirts once. Lots of hugs and cuddles.

Thank you.  It being so public in front of just about everyone I know really didn't help.   The flood of horrified friends calling to help did.     There is a small petty part of me that is amused knowing he is going to be wading through a brigade of angry emails since my lovely friends are too graceful to do it on Facebook in public.  And he posted his.   It's moments like these you find out how you touched people's lives so I guess there was a small bit of good.  But mostly I'm just feeling miserable, ashamed, and embarrassed right now.   It's one thing when the toxicity is secret and private it's another thing when everyone gets front row seats to it.  

Hi Brianna, big hugs, you're better than this. Dump the shame, it's from controlling stuff that society or others have dumped on us. Once it's out it's out and cannot hurt us or control us anymore because it just is if that makes sense. Then realise that It's not you that should feel embarrassed in this case and finally a great big snoggy kiss from me. :-) (oh dear how embarrassing is that) lots of love and snogs.

Dear Bree,

Coming from a very toxic family, I can relate.

He is a father in name only.

Please do not let him tear you and your family down.

Perhaps you can find a wholesome father figure here or in the community?

Your friend,

Monica

P.S.  Like to think of myself as a mother and sister figure . . .

I had my grandfather, and he's the reason I'm a good person.  Grandpa taught me all the things I should know. He died too young, only 65, there should have been more time and memories, but take what we can get right?    I'm okay without my father, it's just...that lingering desire to have a family and roots that go back, not just forward.  I'm only 44, in my head it's not time yet to be the oldest person at the family gatherings when there are still people alive, but it is what it is. 

Thank you for all the love, I'm adjusting slowly, and Nikki is keeping a ridiculously close eye on me and the boy.  The boy isn't too affected, my dad has literally only been in the same room with him for slightly less than 30 days out of  his entire lifetime, and has never chosen to speak with him on the phone or e-mail.  So to my son he's just a weird bitter old white man who happens to be his mom's genetic father.  I'm grateful it doesn't affect him more.  We had a long talk about it, but he was happy that mom went from arguing a point to burning the bridges and salting the field nuclear about it.  Thou shalt not mess with my kid. 

And, it's kinda ironically funny.  The thing that started it all was a picture I posted an a discussion between me, my son, and a few freinds that we need to do better as a society to make sure everyone has the basics of life.  I'm talking food, shelter, clothes, and medical care.  Not tvs, flashy cars, just the basics.  And this dude who tires to shovel christianity and genetic blood ties are everything down my throat for years decided that is the hill to die on and start calling my son a loser who wants society to provide for him so he can continue to blame his failures on everyone but himself.  Because we were discussing making the world better.  Way to practice the charity of your religion there.  I have to laugh about all of this.  We tried to engage him on the discussion, but he wouldn't back up any opinions with information or facts about why he feels that way, just kept talking in memes then decided to attack my kid. 

Today I feel...lighter.  Realizing I don't ever have to deal with him again is freeing.  And a huge, stunning relief.  I'll be okay, and I didn't realize how much the whole thing was dragging me down until I cut that tie.  It's just sad that that is what reality is, but sadness fades and there are camping trips with Nikki in planning and cruises with his parents and weekly games and hangouts with my kid and a pool to swim in and a house that is in the middle of a massive reorganization (I decided to go through everything and sort it all out and get rid of things we don't need to avoid turning into a hoarder like my mom and paternal grandma, it's in my GENES!) to finish, life is busy for everyone.

And only six more days of work and then I"ll have all the time in my life to do whatever makes Nikki and I happy!  WOOT!