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Guilt on the Rise


Emma

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My ex-wife and I talked yesterday for ninety minutes on the phone. We got caught up on each others lives after not speaking for three weeks due to my facial surgery recovery and her trip to Mexico. That was all well and good until near the end of the call when she said that we need to reduce the frequency of our calls to monthly. She started crying as she told me how unhappy she is, nothing to really look forward to, that sort of thing. It's been two years since I left her in California and this year she turns 70. She's also having problems with her knees that were replaced, her back which seems to be trying to unsuccessfully compensate for her knees. She's a mess while I'm living up here in Seattle having more or less the time of my life. 

Sure, I have my own issues. My facial surgeries went fine but I have lots of numbness all over, including my scalp. It's so weird to feel (or not feel) ones skin and scalp. Very uncomfortable. It's been less than three weeks since the surgery but hey, I'm impatient even while plenty of doctors have advised that I need to give it a year. My vulva is also kind of uncomfortable too. Not nearly as much as a couple of months ago but it's another discomfort that keeps it's presence known, all of which keeps me kind of pooped out. I'm lucky that I'm retired and able to sleep in and take naps.

Since talking with my ex-wife yesterday I'm feeling a lot of guilt and responsibility for her feelings. We were married for twenty years and still care for each other a lot. Before we were married I confessed my occasional cross-dressing. We were in bed with the lights out. I was so ashamed, and yet felt that I had to confess, get it out. I felt that our love was so strong that she'd be my supporter and we would navigate this together. Instead, she threw me out of the room. I slept fitfully on the couch. The following morning she came out and said that if we were to stay together that 1) I'd throw out all of my female clothing, and 2) we'd never discuss this again. I agreed and meant it, and I followed through when we returned home after a short vacation.

But as we all know this was just like another purge cycle. I couldn't deny my authentic spirit as much as I tried to suppress it. Over the years of our marriage I secretly bought small clothing items to wear when she wasn't home or to bring with me while on business trips to wear at night. She occasionally tripped over them in my hiding places, and as time progressed she often coached me that some of my gestures and behaviors were overly feminine. That sucked so much. I felt like I'd returned to being a child trying to be on my best behavior, self-correcting so as to avoid reprimands. And yet I did it because... why? I guess it was because I felt so ashamed. I was also afraid that our relationship would dissolve. 

She's supportive of me now. She sent some jewelry to me a few weeks ago. Intellectually she understands that my being trans is valid and real. I suppose she's just wrestling with her own sadness that for whatever reasons she can't see herself with me now as my authentic self. I've told her and I think she understands that deep down I'm the same person. And yet...

It's so hard to hear her cry, the anguish in her voice. I feel guilty that I wasn't more adamant before we were married. Maybe I was selfish. I'm so sorry that I hurt her, I really am. 

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Dear Emma,

Your ex is grieving the loss of the man she married and the good marriage she had.

She is fighting the feelings of loss and grieving that you have moved on.

As much as we hope for a win - win scenario upon a breakup, the reality is that one person often finds a better life, and the other finds a less fulfilling life.

Another thing your ex may be struggling with is that she is aging more quickly than you, and her health problems are emphasizing this. Rarely do both partners age at the same rate. An example is Barbara and George Bush.

Apparently you have gotten counseling, and she has not. Would suggest she get counseling, work on getting her own circle of friends and make a plan to make the most of the rest of her life.

Am very sorry to hear of both of your pain.

Yours truly,

Monica

 

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Dear Christy,

You are not being selfish. You are being self-caring, and there is a world of difference between the two.

Emma and Christy, you can not fix your exes. You can only fix yourselves.

Perhaps as you heal, your exes will be inspired to work on themselves.

Your friend,

Monica

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