This is a long one. If you don’t want to read all of it, scroll to the end. That’s where I’ve posted questions.

So far my experience with counseling has been very positive. Through a program at my wife's work I was able to get my first three sessions with a good local counselor. He was very experienced and specialized in men's issues, but not specifically transgender oriented. He offered loads of help, also outside of sessions, e.g. via e-mail and text messages. Because we had only three sessions together (they renew every 6 months through this program) we were only able to go over everything rather quickly. Though we did go deep into everything. What this psychologist taught me was what counseling will be able to do for me. It won't solve any problems by itself, but it will help me think through my own thoughts, my emotions, and my personal history. All that stuff compiled will hopefully offer me a path to go forward on. My goal for all this counseling is to make a decision. I'm pretty sure by now that I'm transgender. I'm definitely not a man. At least not you're average man. But how far do I want or need to go towards female? Or perhaps to something else in-between male and female, or outside of those to a third gender? In any case, those first three session were great. But what comes after that? I'm trying to stay within what's covered by my insurance, because counseling can be costly, so my first counselor offered to look at the (very extensive) list of psychologists that are covered by our insurance plan, and picked out the names of people he knows, has worked with, and can recommend for my situation.

During this time I was already looking on my own for a counselor to follow this first one, and I found The Center (The San Diego Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center) where they offer all kinds of services to the LGBTQ+ community. So I called them, made an appointment, and went in. First was just a brief intake during which I was scheduled with a counaelor, and thereafter every week on Monday nights with this counselor. I love that all of the people there first ask what pronoun you go by. To be honest, I had no idea what to answer, so I just told them that it depends on how I wake up in the morning, which is actually true. Even the intake lady was wearing a badge with 'them/they' on it! I have now been to three counseling sessions and, although they go at a much slower pace, I’ve progressed so far that my brain is starting to grasp the concept of non-binary. So far I’ve discovered that I’m not male, as far the range of male with the societal label of ‘man’ goes. So my brain has defaulted to the binary system and concluded that if I’m not male, I must be female, and I’ve been wanting to fully transition since. The problem was that I’ve only ever know the binary system. I’ve no clue what could be other options on the spectrum, or what they might look like. Through counseling I’m am finally beginning to understand a little. This happened over the past week and I haven’t had such a good week in ages. Whether I’m having a male day or a female day, I seem to mostly feel content. I know for certain that my feminine emotions need expression, otherwise I’ll either go insane or once again sink into a depression. Now the idea was that I start attending a ‘coming out’ discussion group at The Center, where people come to discuss just this topic, and would allow me to learn a bunch.

Then COVID-19 happened. Everything closed the day I was supposed to first go to this coming out group. Counseling sessions they are trying to arrange by phone. I really hope I’ll be able to continue in this way, because these counseling sessions have really helped, and they’ve become the highlight of my week. But for now it’s still up in the air whether this will happen.

There are other repercussions of this outbreak too. I have two small children, two boys, and I’m the at-home parent for them. One is 1 year old, the other is 4 and going to preschool. All schools here have closed on the 13th, and won’t resume until at least April 6^th. This means I’ll have both boys at home for a full three weeks, and basically we’ll be at home the entire time. During the preschool hours I’ve been able to dress female, and somewhat keep me content. I’ve been trying to slowly introduce my feminine side to them, especially taking it slowly with the older one. I don’t want him to go to school and start shouting ‘guess what guys!? Last night my daddy was wearing a dress!!’ Even at this age there’s already a lot of prejudice, and it might backfire badly. My one year old knows both the male and the female me, and for him it’s no problem. Although it did take him a while to get used to the wig (which I call ‘hair hat’ for him btw). My 4 year old is now used to me wearing skirts at home, and heels, and a nightgown. I was hoping to introduce the full package carefully over summer break, so that he’s used to it by the time he goes back to school, and it’s no longer a special or mention-worthy thing.

But now I’m facing the next three weeks. There’s no way I can survive that without feminine expression, without fully dressing female. And potentially without a counselor to talk things through with. I don’t think I have a choice but to introduce both boys to my full female side in this period. And sooner would probably be better than later. I can’t deny that I’m more than a bit nervous. Scared actually. Has anyone ever come out to kids this age? How did they respond? How did social interactions go for them afterwards? Any do’s or don’ts? I haven’t been able to find resources for this scenario; anyone know of any leads?

I have a decent plan in my head to do it, and I’ll have to act quickly. But I’m terrified I’ll do damage.