Oh Dee, I'm sorry you're feeling so blue and confused. "Am I scared of pushing them away by embracing Dee, or am I scared of embracing Dee because it seems like pure fantasy to consider myself female at the moment?" Probably both, and more. 

You're really caught in the middle, aren't you? In between what you fear if you come out to family and all, and your inner truth. Oh, if were only that easy to really know what our inner truth is. As I wrote to Emily earlier today, determining where one is under the trans umbrella takes active experimentation. Without that it's all a mind game, over-thinking, trying to figure everything out in one's head. Truly, this is not only impossible it's also so depressing. Hence weight gain, perhaps on-edge emotionally, and alcohol. 

Sure, it would be a shock to your daughter once she knew what you're trying to deal with. Your son and ex-wife too, as well as others. The good news is that children—especially younger ones like your daughter—find it lots easier to grasp these kinds of situations. Sure, it might be a bit upsetting, but in the long run... well, who knows. I sure don't. 

May I suggest a book. You know me, always suggesting another book. This time it's by Glennon Doyle and it's titled "Untamed." I read it slowly, sometimes only a couple of pages each morning, underlining and dog-earring pages to identify so much that really connected with me. 

Here's a small excerpt:

"I am a human being, meant to be in perpetual becoming. If I am living bravely, my entire life will become a million deaths and rebirths. My goal is not to remain the same but to live in such a way that each day, year, moment, relationship, conversation, and crisis is the material I use to become a truer, more beautiful version of myself. The goal is to surrender, constantly, who I just was in order to become who this neat moment calls me to be. I will not hold on to a single idea, opinion, identity, story, or relationship that keeps me from emerging new. I cannot hold too tightly to any riverbank. I must let go of the shore in order to travel deeper and see farther. Again and again and then again. Until the final death and rebirth. Right up until then."

I could add many other quotes but you might as well buy the book. One of the themes of the book is that we must be true to ourselves regardless of others, and in that truth our loved ones will witness what it means to be authentic. Then, they can choose either to journey along with you, or perhaps not. Regardless, they are given the gift of learning something so important, a rule for them to live and love by, if they choose. 

Yes, your ex-wife may fire off all sorts of artillery at you, both directly and indirectly. But, are you going to cede your life and power to her or anyone else? 

You know that I know from experience that this transitioning is very frightening. Each step felt so monumental. Even all the little things. But as I took those steps the fear melted as I realized that not only was I fine but I was also joyful living more and more authentically. 

I guarantee that there will be lots of bumps in the road. That's life. Here's another couple of quotes:

"Like Jesus, who walked straight toward his own crucifixion. 

First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising. All of our suffering comes when avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. 

To trust that I'm strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming. Because what scares me a hell of a lot more than pain is living my entire life and missing my becoming. What scares me more than feeling it all is missing it all. 

There is the me that is miserable and afraid, and there is the me that is curious and excited. That second me is not a masochist, she's wise. 

I know that when the pain and the waiting are here, the rising is on its way. I hope the pain will pass soon, but I'll wait it out because I've tested pain enough to try it."

I underlined and bolded one sentence that speaks so clearly to me. We only have one life to live. This is it.

Get the book, read it and take notes, and see if that helps you feel your inner power that I know is there.

Dee,

Here's another wonderful excerpt from "Untamed":

"I’ve spent much of my life lost in the woods of pain, relationships, religion, career, service, success, and failure. Looking back on those times, I can trace my lostness back to a decision to make something outside of myself my Touch Tree. An identity. A set of beliefs. An institution. Aspirational ideals. A job. Another person. A list of rules. Approval. An old version of myself. 

Now when I feel lost, I remember that I am not in the woods. I am my own tree. So I return to myself and re-inhabit myself. As I do, I feel my chin rise and my body straighten.

I reach deeply into the rich soil beneath me, made up of every girl and woman I’ve ever been, every face I’ve loved, every love I’ve lost, every place I’ve been, every conversation I’ve had, every book I’ve read and song I’ve sung, everything, everything, crumbling and mixing and decomposing underneath. Nothing wasted. My entire past there, holding me up and feeding me now. All of this too low for anyone else to see, just there for me to draw from. Then up and up all the way to my branches, my imagination, too high for anyone else to see—reaching beyond, growing toward the light and warmth. Then the middle, the trunk, the only part of me entirely visible to the world. Pulpy and soft inside, just tough enough on the outside to protect and hold me. Exposed and safe."

Thank you Emma, I will try and remember to order the book soon. There are a few things from those quotes that have struck chords with me, I have been reading and rereading them when I get a small window of opportunity, but when I woke up this morning I was busy thinking of the pandemic and the sheer number of people who started this year with completely different plans and asking myself if my priorities have changed, if any of this has truly had an impact on me beyond only being able to do my shopping once a week.

So thank you so much for your kind words and insight, they have definitely helped.

💜