Most of you will know that I tried to do a list like this at the beginning of last year and struggled to make more than a few bullet points from my childhood that I remember being centred around gender roles and my discomfort with them, but my counsellor has asked me to send it to her before our next session so tonight I thought I would look at it and see what I could remember, I wrote 10 pages!!! 😲 and that's condensing my marriage down to just a sentence or two.

 

I am still unsure whether to add it into my main blog because it is so personal, but I decided to share this here specifically because it is a space for trans and questioning people and creating it this time round has made me have one of those rare lightbulb 💡 moments..

Up until very recently I did not see myself as someone who had ever been abused, I always noted it with sadness when I saw it in other peoples stories, but I thought that it was one of those common "transgender" patterns that I did not fit when I first started questioning. I just didn't see myself as vulnerable.

Then I realised in a recent counselling session that my ex wife had instinctively used gaslighting on me very effectively to manipulate me throughout our marriage, and that was the reason most of her friends became my friends and no longer talk to her; but then tonight I realised that actually my first sexual encounter was with another boy effectively taking advantage of me being naive I had just never thought of it that way.

 

I grouped this list into rough age brackets and so while it isn’t quite chronological it hopefully has most of the important points covered up until recently.

 

Primary/Infant school 

When younger I would play dress up games with my sisters and perform songs and dramas and dances we made up, costumes were interchangeable, and I still have a love for drama and cosplay.

I would also play with my little sisters dolls and often joined the girls in their games - homemaking and baking, doing handstands, cartwheels, roller skating, hop scotch and hula hooping. 

When I was 10 I learned and performed a rockabilly style dance routine with my little twin sisters (8) in my aunts garden - I remember they were given these neon green and pink with black polka dot jive skirts with braces and I was so jealous of them. My aunts loved it but my dad was not impressed.

I would share the bed with my big sister and calm her when she had nightmares (she was 2 yrs older than me)

My mum did take me to brownies with her and my younger sisters for a short time and I also remember using the women's bathrooms when we were out at the cinema, because I was not allowed to go to the mens room on my own and she needed to watch us all. I don’t remember it being a big deal.

 

I used to spend ages looking through my mothers clothing catalogues just because I like to look at the clothes and pretty dresses.

I was somewhere between 10 and 12 when I first started trying on clothes that were left in the dirty laundry basket in the bathroom.

My granny had taught me cross stitch and finger knitting, so I would make pom poms with my sisters. She would also pass me books to read, so I read everything from Sherlock Holmes and Readers Digest shorts to Mills and Boon novels and the Beano and Bunty. I never split things out into being for boys or for girls until I was older.

I enjoyed baking with my mum. Though I hated being given jobs to do because I was the boy. (Taking bins out, getting rid of spiders and daddy long legs or the dead things the cat had brought in).

I absolutely loved brushing and braiding my sisters hair as they had long waist length hair.

I was quick to cry if something upset me and my dad would tell me to stop acting like a sissy.

 

We moved a lot (every couple of years for my dad's scaffolding job) and I was often picked on for being the “new kid”, I was very quiet and socially awkward and when I was bullied it was my eldest sister who settled all the fights.

My dad would yell at me for not hitting them back, often calling me a jessie or a big girls blouse for being sensitive or not sticking up for myself.

Apparently I had quite a few girlfriends when I was younger but I think I really just enjoyed hanging out with them and kissing them.

Once I started being bullied for not swearing I started paying more attention to fitting in and I learned to swear and point out someone else for the bullies to focus on. I always preferred imagination games and reading to sports or football.

 

Academy/High School

I loved drama at school even though it was not seen as a cool thing to do - I wore tights and leotards a few times (being a mice or a female character in the background) and found it nerve wracking but exciting, I played an ugly stepsister in a drama for German where I was the only boy in the class and appeared in full (over the top) makeup and a gaudy dress in front of the school, and was laughed at and called a Gaylord by the boys.

I was once complimented by a girl doing my eye makeup for a play who told me that the shade really brought out the green in my eyes and I was genuinely over the moon.

I grew my blond hair down to my shoulders and was often complimented by hairdressers about the fineness of my hair.

I was still dressing in my sisters clothes at home but by now I had sometimes tried makeup and perfume and talking to myself in the mirror and as I went through puberty dressing started to take on a sexual thrill for me too imagining myself as a girl.

I remember smiling when I was mistaken for a girl when working in a local supermarket (I was stacking the sandwiches by the front door and a child asked, “mummy whats that girl doing?” and her mum being totally mortified when I turned around and answered)

I was never bothered about stacking the feminine hygiene products like some of the other boys seemed to be - I didn’t get why it was a big deal.

The books “for girls” continued (I loved mysteries and the Nancy Drew and Famous Five books, also adult fiction that included graphic love scenes)

By now I was consistently borrowing my sisters' clothes to dress up instead of my mums because I liked their styles more. 

I still loved the look and feel of skirts, leotards, swimming costumes, lingerie, tights or stockings, but pretty tops and headbands and accessories too - there was a mixture of thrills from the risk, the reward of putting on makeup and tucking in an attempt to feminise myself and hide my maleness - often posing in front of the mirror, by now when I was looking through my mothers clothing catalogues I was fascinated by the lingerie and nightgown section.

Once I was lying in my bedroom wearing a pair of my sisters tights and my dad walked in, I threw the duvet over me and he just walked out without saying anything, he never did say anything about it to me either.

I would sneak some lipstick and eyeshadow and clothes and shoes and hide them in my bedroom (a caravan in the back garden at the time), a few times when I was 14 or 15 and it was really late at night I would style my hair back and put on the lipstick and eyeshadow along with the clothes I had stolen, usually a low cut top top and a mini skirt with tights and heels and I would go for a short walk just buzzing with excitement at the noise the heels made as I walked..

We always lived in quiet sleepy villages or small towns and I never usually saw a soul though I do remember being followed part way home once and panicking in case my parents found out!

 

The internet became faster and popular and we got a PC at home -  by now the boys at school were bragging about having sex and so I used to research the things they talked about - particularly different types of porn or sexual positions late at night to be able to blend in with my bragging male classmates and understand what they were talking about even though I was shy and quiet and blatantly not sexually active.

I was incredibly self conscious about my body going through my teens, I was short and skinny (nicknamed Boney M by my parents growing up) but at school I was regularly called “gay” or gay boy, or faggot by the other boys and once one of them weed on me when we were showering after a swimming lesson, I would try to be either the first or the last in so I did not have to get changed with the others; but I made some good female friends that would hang out and just talk about anything and everything with and by upper school a few good male geeky friends too who also knew what it was like to be bullied.

When my voice started to drop I would deliberately lower it as much as I could to make me sound more manly and tough and make people listen to me.

One of my closest friends at the time touched me with my permission once during a sleepover at his house, I would have been around 13, and he persuaded me to give each other handjobs, but I did not like it because he did not know what to do and then he did not want me to touch him afterwards I never mentioned it to anyone and just assumed that all boys experimented at some point and that was how we decided if we were gay or not.

It was at this point that friend moved away and I started investing time to learn more about football and rugby, and pool and smoking, and so at 14 I had my first drink in the park and started to use the same homophobic language and jokes that were used around me until I was old enough to realise it was all just posturing.

 

My dad tried to show me how to do things with the car like fix the brakes and change the oil, or how to do DIY plumbing and joinery but although I wanted to spend time with him I had no interest in the subjects and even less talent for them.

He gave up trying to watch football with me though we did watch westerns and action films together. He never showed my sisters any DIY or mechanical things, other than bump starting a car. 

I was now old enough to be given my own room and kept apart from the girls when we went camping or sleeping anywhere.

My mum would often make me do the man chores of getting the coal bucket refilled and the fire set, or weeding the garden when my sisters would not have to; but also she would make me do the laundry and clean the bathroom so that I would not grow up to be sexist like my grandfather.

 

I could never be a lad’s lad, and always felt like an outsider, but I could stay in the middle of a group without too much issue by being incredibly dry and sarcastic and making folks laugh and I never backed down from a dare to prove I was mentally tougher than someone else if not physically. I was often told that I was easily led, getting into trouble and hearing the phrase, “If your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it to?”

 

When other people were not around I would cry sometimes because I worried I would not find someone to love me and I dreamed of having a family.

My eldest sister taught me to drink pints of lager to get me away from drinking alcopops and cider, and it was her who told me that saying I was homophobic wasnt something to be proud of and that I was just being ridiculous saying things I didn’t know anything about to try and fit in with people who didnt actually like or respect me. Thankfully I listened, I’d always looked up to my sisters.

 

My dad died when I was 17 and going to college and at his funeral service, everyone kept telling me how much I looked like him, and what a wonderful man he was and that I was the man of the house now and it was my job to take care of them.

 

I really took that to heart, and I remember telling my cousin and sister that I would be lucky to be half the man my father ever was, because he was well respected by everyone that came.

By this point my younger sister had gone to uni and the eldest two had moved out so I was the one at home living with my mum and she started to lean heavily on me, she had a total breakdown and tried to commit suicide but I noticed something was wrong when I got in from work and I called an ambulance, there followed a period of about 10 years of repeated failed suicide attempts and me and my eldest sister trying to keep the family together and informed while keeping the house going. 

Her first suicide attempt was the last time I cried at something for years, I learnt to just keep control and then cry when I could in safety without upsetting anyone.

My mum more and more referred to me as her son and heir and her one and only, and her special boy, and was always telling me that I was just like my dad,  that only made me feel more of a fraud. Even though I couldn't say why.

I moved out after a year because I could see my mum starting to lean on me a lot more as the only man in her life. A statement she repeats at me constantly.

 

20's

I was working in a call centre by now and had predominantly female friends - we would meet up between 1-3 nights per week at the local pub and enjoy going out dancing and singing karaoke. I usually drank vodka and lemonade with no ice because that’s what the girls were drinking, but made a big deal about not having a pint just to keep the ordering easy.

Female friends often became friends with me to get to my male friends and vice versa - I was usually the non threatening, non sought after go between.

I struggled with the act itself, but slept with my first female partner and she was in her 40’s with children only a few years younger than me. Of the three people I was active with before my marriage I never had a successful “first time” and was always much happier pleasing my partner.

I was a couple of years older than the group as well and so I was the one people would come to for advice, or when they needed a shoulder to cry on, when they had something coming up that was important I would go clothes shopping with my female friends and give them outfit advice.

I was once asked by a friend to help her find something for her boyfriend out of an Ann Summers shop because she wanted to surprise him.

I have always preferred to play as female characters in my solo computer games, but used male characters online so that no one would know, though sometimes I would make up an excuse to play the woman in a fighting game.

I have always worked in predominantly female areas (although I was the only male manager of 4 in the call centre it was a fairly good mix of genders, but I left that and entered social and care work and felt far more comfortable. I worked with people who were shy or had a physical or mental disability but wanted to get into work by profiling them and helping them to learn and use their strengths, and I helped homeless teens navigate the system so they could get a house and then taught them the lives skills to furnish it, and cook and clean on a budget.

 

I was still researching online sites to blend in with the male pub talk, but by now the internet was moving towards broadband and video and I had seen or heard about most things that could possibly come up in casual conversation or jokes. 

My late night browsing choices were usually geared towards the idea of becoming or being treated as a girl and wearing frilly dresses and being made up, whether from being forced or hypnotised or dared.

I would buy female clothes online and be the woman in my fantasy then throw the clothes out in disgust.

 

My friends and I almost always had Halloween costume parties, and I planned and bought clothes from the charity shops to dress as Velma from Scooby Doo one halloween and was equal parts relieved and gutted when the party in town was called off.

 

Once I was in a friend's shower washing off stage makeup from a Harvey two face costume during a Halloween party and one of my friends came in and used the loo, she spent about 5 minutes chatting to me while I was in the shower. 

She had been drinking, and we were not close friends, but she just did not see a problem with it.

Another time I also helped the same person have to go to the loo when she was drunk, this ties in with me being safe to be around. I held her hair and her skirt so she could go without falling over and then made sure she got to her tent safely.

During this time I got married, and had two children. 

I hated whisky and taught myself to drink it in order to be able to get on with her dad, because he was a very practical and quiet man and he scared me.

My wife asked me to have a vasectomy and I did so without hesitation or worries about losing my manhood, because it made total sense and was a lot easier for me. My dream of having a family had come true.

 

I did a lot of the home making & child rearing both because I enjoyed it and while my wife was ill with Crohns or just not doing it.

 

We had zero sex life once the children came along and she effectively controlled the marriage and who I saw as she was very jealous of my female friends, and I could not see what she was doing.

Early in the marriage we saw a documentary about a crossdresser and his wife and she said if she ever caught me in her clothes she would leave me in a heartbeat.

 

I kept my desires and dressing secret except for once or twice asking gentle questions or making semi-serious jokes about roleplaying in the bedroom - her interest in sex (with me anyway) was non existent for 10 out of 14 years of marriage.

I constantly felt or was made to feel like a failure as a husband and a man, and no matter what I did or how hard I tried I just could not keep my ex happy. Even though everyone around me said I was a wonderful husband and a fantastic father I did not feel that at all, and it was used to control me.

 

Sometimes I would order sexy clothes for her, pretending to myself that we would use them, and then I would wear them when she was not about, as her size fluctuated wildly I could always find clothes of hers to fit and I continued to dress secretly all through our marriage.

 

I found myself joining in even more to the “mum” discussions about having and raising children, all the posts that would slag off the men because the women were left to get on with the actual work I could connect with, I did a lot of the night time feeding, most of the picking up and dropping off to schools, the story times, bedtimes and bathtimes, and most of the cooking and the cleaning while my wife would do little bits every now and again when things got too much for me..

 

I started having funks - low points where work was hard to focus on and I did not have the energy to do anything, I never went to the doctors and never got formally diagnosed, but getting out of bed was tough, I was still able to keep up with the commitments, but that was because if I didn't sort the kids out they would not get done. My ex had frequent hospital stays and one of the things she got annoyed about was how easily I got into a routine in which she played no part. (I used to take the kids in every night after dinner to see her)

 The funks could last for months and would eventually go away, because the world never stopped moving and I just had to get on with it, but even though I had my low periods I kept a happy face on for the people around me and as the marriage wore on I gave up seeing my family, and my hobbies that took me out of the house and my friends and then even my wifes friends as she kept falling out with people and making me choose between her or them.

During our marriage she left 3 times and each time she saw other people but I did not, the 2nd time it was when I was just starting to get my life back on track and she saw other people start being interested in me that she asked us to get back together, I have since found out that it was the same man she has seen for most of our marriage, though she would not admit it I believe I was just safe and comfortable and she was too scared to leave me properly, coming back when she got cold feet. It was only very recently I was finally able to admit that she as gaslighting me and even though she would not recognise it herself, others have pointed out that if it had been a man doing it to a woman it would have been called abuse.(they don’t know I’m transgender)

 

30's

The patterns of sometimes wearing my wife’s clothes when she was away or buying sexy female clothes telling myself they were for my wife and then I would “be her” in the fantasy continued.

Occasionally dressing when I came home drunk and wearing her makeup and perfume while dressed as her, I would often find myself daydreaming about going out to clubs or cafes to dance or get coffee or a lunch out in town with the girls.

I was still secretly playing games as female characters - only now they are much more realistic than in the past and can be customised to look exactly how you want to look.

I did shift work and would wear my wifes clothes for emotional comfort when she was in hospital for extended periods. Things Like wearing PJ’s around the house to watch romance films and eat popcorn, even painting my nails and spending days “as a woman” in the house, just lounging around and only going back to wearing mens clothes or deodorant when I had to.

 

I went through the training and was ordained into ministry and the aspects I am naturally gifted towards are pastoral care, Meyers Briggs has me as an INFP and I always read and react to the atmosphere and people in the room and then think about the causes and what can be done afterwards. It is a profession that allows me to be more of myself without pretending to be tough or uncaring, but also one whose members are evenly split 50/50 in their acceptance of or hatred towards the LGBTQ+ community.

I have never spent a single moment doubting God’s love for me, but I have had more than a few sleepless nights wondering how I will be able to continue when literally  half of the people who have supported me so far will think I am just plain crazy.

 

Three months before I turned 40 my wife left me for the third time.  She sat me down and said that things were not working out, that we were just roommates and not a couple and that the thought of being physical with me disgusted her and made her sick, I was in one of my down periods anyway and had been for a couple of months, but overall thought life was just getting onto an even keel after moving house and changing jobs. She refused to get counselling and told me I had some issues I needed to work through and moved out taking only the things she needed with her, but asking me to move her things for her over the next few weeks. (which I did).

After 3 weeks she announced she was seeing someone (the male friend she has known for years and was with last time we separated) 

I struggle to feel angry but accept my marriage is not salvageable this time round, and realise that I have well and truly tried everything I could to keep the marriage going and that it is not my fault that it didn’t work..

 

One month later I was invited to a fancy dress D&D party as a random woman character and enjoyed being a girl in public for the first time ever.

 

I spent the whole month ordering and collecting bits for the costume, taking a typical slutty halloween costume and adding leggings and a long sleeve leotard and boots. 

I totally removed all of my body hair for the first time ever and wore a bra stuffed with socks and panties that I had bought specifically not to show through the leggings  even though I didn’t really need to.

I wanted to be seen as a woman, but did not want to look ridiculous, I looked up how to feminise your voice on Youtube and stopped using most of the mannerisms I put on. The party was great and other than my son everyone gave me a lot of compliments, including being able to walk down a steep hill to the house in heels. I realised at the end of the night that I just did not want to go back to wearing my man clothes. I didn’t really enjoy being D.

 

I was equal parts shy and delighted to show off pictures of me to my friends who all wanted to see how I looked, they all know I put effort into costumes and I am always keen to dress up so it was not out of the ordinary, but one of the women told me I should have worn tights and not leggings and next time to just keep an extra pair on me in case they laddered.

 

That thought of “next time” stuck with me.

As it started to come back in I suddenly realised I do not want to grow my body hair back, in fact I hate it. I have always loathed shaving and once or twice I had used depilatory cream on my chest for a laugh. It always grew back fast and I was known for being that hairy bald guy.

I started looking up information on transvestism, being gender fluid and finally transgender.

I started packing up the last of my wifes clothes to send them to her and started trying on some outfits and one of her wigs and surprised myself by looking at a smiling and really contented woman in the mirror.

 

40’s

Since then I started blogging as Sadie and joined a Transgender Forum site  - I discovered others had similar thoughts and life experiences and they already knew they were transgender and many either had already or are in process of transitioning. Not everyone used to blow out the candles on their cake and wish for boobs like a lot of the Youtube narratives seemed to suggest.

The first thing I needed to do was decide if I liked dressing purely for sexual thrills and so with  some encouragement I started under dressing to see if I liked it - I ordered bras, cotton everyday knickers, and socks and found myself becoming calmer.

I started wearing clear nail polish and womens deodorant - 2 years on I cannot bring myself to wear mens aftershave anymore.

 

I then started buying practical female clothes because I wanted to wear them and discovered my sizes are fairly average, I would put on a dress or leggings and a t shirt and just finish the housework or sit and read or watch TV without any of the sexual thrill I had always assumed was the reason behind dressing and I still felt great doing it..

 

I did some research and was too scared to contact the NHS as it would then be on my medical file, but started working with an openly trans friendly counsellor online from England - I used male pronouns and dress, but with her help I started to use my female gaming characters online as well - instead of having 2 saves. I worked through some of my doubts about being transgender and she helped me to realise that a lot of my doubts were really just fear of what other people would think of me alongside fear of the unknown.

She was the first person I ever dressed in front of and who used female pronouns, and it was when she did that I realised I had to take this further and call the GIC to involve the NHS (I was too scared to go through my local GP and was thankfully able to self refer).

 

I told the older two sisters I was questioning my gender and was given wonderful support, my eldest sister even gave me some 2nd hand clothes to try on and they bought me women hand lotion and pjs for Christmas - I loved them!

In January 2019 I started to accept I am not cisgender and therefore must be trans in some way.

 

I started using DeeDee online, after my sister called me it a few times over chat - I really love being perceived and treated as a woman in all my online interactions.

I wore female jeans and a ladies jumper in front of my sister at Christmas and both of us felt normal.

I also told two long term couples that are friends of mine and they were both incredibly supportive of me, but were also pleased that I was exploring counselling as they found it a total shock. To them I will always be me, it would just be the outside that will change.

 

I now regularly dress in female clothes at home, though only sometimes do I wear full makeup and a wig to just do housework, or read as that seems excessive, but I find it does relax and centre me - I really feel like when I am in male clothes, that is when I am “dressing up”.

I contacted the GIC and made my initial appointment but had to wait until October for the appointment.

In February I drove 30 minutes away from my home, to a secluded woodland walk with my makeup done and my ladies clothes hidden underneath a baggy hoody before putting my wig and trainers on and going for a short forest walk. This was the first time I had ever left the house as DeeDee in the daylight and although it was terrifying the walk itself was a total non event, I smiled at one other woman as we passed each other, but it was just how normal it felt that struck me.

In March I started electrolysis, regardless of how my questioning went I knew I hated my facial hair, but when my appointment came the electrologist kept asking why I wanted it done, and it just slipped out that I thought I was probably transgender and this was something I just needed to do as everyone said it takes ages.

 

In May I went down to my nieces and spent a whole weekend as DeeDee at a regional Pride event. The whole weekend was incredible, I went out for dinner without makeup with my eldest sister and niece, we spent the day at the event I did not feel self conscious and I also met up with the couple I had told at Christmas for drinks and we went out for the night (with the proviso that if I felt uncomfortable they would take me home and no harm no foul). A lot of my self doubts disappeared as I realised that it would not have felt so right and natural for me if it was purely a sexual fetish or a way to escape my emotional problems and the whole weekend start to finish was just amazing.

 

By August I had to stop the electrolysis to pay for my half of the divorce fees but the GIC appointment was getting closer. By October 9th I was a nervous wreck and couldn’t eat lunch, I hated that I had to arrive as male me and use my male name, but that was how I had made the appointment and I was paranoid about someone phoning the house. It was hard having a student doctor in to a meeting I had lost sleep over, but given the waiting time the more folks that qualify in gender issues the better so I spent something like 2 hours just getting everything off my chest and was so grateful at the end of the appointment that I just wanted to hug FG for listening, even though she did state she wasn't a psychologist and really just needed the info to know how best to help me, but then I realised I was still dressed as a man and that is not appropriate so I just sort of awkwardly left.

 

The opportunities to go out as DeeDee were few and far between and it just did not happen, but I had started taking a spare suitcase anywhere with me on the off chance that I would be brave enough to go out as DeeDee somewhere.

 

In March 2020 I had a work meeting and stayed in a B&B in Edinburgh and went out for the night as DeeDee to the cinema, I walked there and back (though back was terrifying!) and I even had to talk to the cashier to hand in a lost credit card, though my voice is far too masculine sounding it was a wonderful night and I never got hassled once.

 

My blog journal now has over 100 posts in it and since lockdown started I have done a lot of reading around the science of being transgender and the realisation that while it is still a relatively unknown field there is evidence to prove the “I identify as a wheelie bin brigade” wrong if you spend even a short time reading about difficulty of gender classification in species biology and the massive part hormones play in developing our gonads and our brains in the womb.

There are no doubt other things that I will only remember if the time and cirumstances present themselves, but it is so much easier now to see that I have devoted my life trying to be what other people have wanted me to be to the point that I just stopped paying attention and my body found its own ways to cope.