This afternoon I cheered myself up  from an emotionally draining morning of work by trying to cut my dysphoria list down.

I have whittled out 4 pages which dealt more with emotional connections than direct gender conforming and exception examples, and I have tried to use single sentences rather than explain instances, but it is really hard. I'm skimming through 30-40 years here.

While doing this I have realised that I am really, really wanting to start coming out socially. The intertwining of my profession, my children and my friends does make this quite difficult, but I actually started considering sending out a group message to the women in my friend group.(They have a group where they plan get togethers and meeting up and I am literally the only "man" in it lol) I didn't go near FB, but it was a fun day dream. I know I would rather do these things face to face with the people that matter to me, and 2020 has put the kaibosh on that.

I need to have the decency to tell my mum first so she isnt the last to know, as that would hurt her more than finding out her son is actually her daughter; and then I can come out to my friends, and then figure out how to tell my children and my work at pretty much the same time, by which point I will have hopefully started HRT, but with the mood I am in today that is not the dealbreaker it has felt for me up until recently.

I seem to have a keenness to get going and just get on with it now that my mind has finally gotten on board with the fact that I am DeeDee. I feel like a child waiting to be told they can open their presents!