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Onward!

Emma

Entry posted by Emma

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It's a wonderful day, today. My wife is away this morning on business and while I miss her I have the opportunity to be myself for a couple of hours. After my shower I dressed with some feminine underthings (well concealed by layers of more masculine apparel) and headed out to our regular Sunday haunts, the coffee shop in Palo Alto, Trader Joe's, and the farmer's market, where I picked up long-stemmed tulips, a couple of heads of lettuce, some fresh asparagus, and cauliflower.

Now, I'm at my computer, having changed into my dress, and listening to a Karla Bonoff "best of" album. Life feels pretty good at the moment. Later today I'll head back out to buy some fish for tonight's dinner, and after, we'll dive back into a couple of episodes of House of Cards and a rather large bowl of popcorn.

This week will definitely be interesting. On Wednesday evening we have a couple's meeting with my therapist. Thinking about it now I'm a bit apprehensive but I think it will be okay. Thursday afternoon I have a 1:1 meeting with the same therapist. He asked me to bring my small collection of female clothing, which I plan to do. We didn't talk about what the goal is but I assume that by doing that I'll further see through experience that I am really okay.

On Thursday evening I will attend the monthly TG support group. Last week I bought some black ballet flats on Amazon which actually fit! (I did a fair amount of research into foot measurements, and took an educated guess of my size which turned out to be 11M. Here's a funny aside: I measured my left foot's length and width to determine the size; I learned later when I received the shoes that my right foot is slightly larger. :rolleyes: It still fits okay but I'm trying to stretch it a little with a shoe tree.) For the meeting I plan on wearing some black tights under my jeans and then change into my ballet flats nearby, for the meeting and dinner afterward. They say we should take baby steps and I know by many measures these are indeed small steps. It's great to have something to look forward to.

Have a nice week!

Emma

* Illustration from Once Upon an Alphabet by Oliver Jeffers

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MonicaPz

Dear Emma,

Almost everyone's feet are NOT the identical size. Usually one foot is a half size larger/smaller than the other.

As a cisgender (born female) woman, I have a size 11 on one foot and 11 1/2 on the other foot. Also, my hands are rather large, but not ugly. Size in itself does not determine how beautiful/ugly a body part is.

Most women report some dissatisfaction with one or more of their body parts.

The secret is not to dwell on it but look at the big picture!

Yours truly,

Monica

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Emma

Hi Monica,

Actually I'm not complaining about my feet at all! I feel lucky that they are roughly 11M as this was the largest size listed for my shoes.

Hugs,

Emma

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eveannessant

Hi Emma, not sure about the amount of therapists that you are using, really not very mainstream in the UK, sort of feels like someone else telling you how you feel? I have become aware that it is common in the US though.......having said that we do have to do the psychs as part of our treatment though. Do you have a local Trans meeting place to go to?

By the way we are the same age!

Hugs Eve

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Emma

Hi Eve,

I know it does sound like a lot of therapists. For me there is really only one, that I see 1:1 and also for couple's meetings with my wife. The support group I attend is led by a gender therapist that I've seen 1:1 once and will probably do so again but there is no plan for it right now.

I have had a lot of depression in my life and seen a lot of therapists, read a lot of books, done a lot of soul-searching, as well as various intoxicants mostly when I was younger. At the root I think is coming to terms with my transgender. I kind of needed to figure out where it came from and what it means. And overarching shame has made it difficult to dive into details with anyone, therapist or not.

No, therapists here in the US do not (or at least should not) tell us how to feel or do anything. They are mostly a sounding board, a trusted mentor, and while we become friends of sorts they need to maintain a distance that allows them to be objective. When I first started to see therapists (about 30 years ago) they pretty much just listened, which sucked, because I needed someone to help draw out stuff and provide thoughts. Over the last decade (I think) this protocol has changed to where they are okay with providing commentary, which I greatly need and appreciate.

Last, yes, there is a Trans place I can go about 40 minutes from my home. It's okay but I'm deciding how comfortable I feel there. I've been there a few times and I have mixed feelings. The proprietor is wonderful but some of the others? Well...

Same age, huh? We could be sisters! :-)

Emma

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