Leaderboard

Hello, I am Dawn Lynn, I am a transgendered woman. I still have a hard time saying that. As I'm still just starting to coming to terms with it. I have been a lifelong crossdresser, and I thought that's all I was, I'd never knew what the term transgender was, and that it even applied to me, That is until I started seeing a therapist about 5 or 6 months ago. I started to dress when I was about 5 or so. I always liked no loved girls and everything about them, I wished I could wear the pretty clothes and be one. I remember in school on picture day, all the girls would wear pretty dresses, and we (the boys) would wear just shirts and ties (boring), was so jealous of the girls. I was always very ashamed of myself, because of my dressing. And because of my shame I never dated, well I had one date my sophomore year of high school. Even though most of my friends where girls, I knew (in my mind) no girl would want to be my girlfriend, so I just never asked. I mean what would the point have been, why I would have wanted to add the pain on rejection, to my misery. So my misery reached a breaking point in 1991/92. I was at my friend’s home during the holidays. Seeing him with his wife and kids. I knew that was something I would never have. So I planned to take my life in January or 92, Well I got help and didn’t. More on that later. So I started to feel better about myself. I met my wife August of 92 we married in June of 93, and our first daughter in March of 94 the second in May of 96. So I went from being suicidal to being married in 18 months, being a dad in 10 months later, and a second child in 26 months after that. Now for most of the last 21 years I’ve been able suppress my need to dress. But over the last year the need has gotten much stronger. And with that I stared to see a therapist, she’s helped me to see, that I’m transgendered. In (only) one respect am I a typical male (I love women). But when I see a nicely dressed, good looking women, I will first see what she is wearing, her makeup and hair. And I think I’d love to look like that and or I love to wear that. Or if she overly had up with too much makeup or is wearing something that just doesn’t go together, I would think I wouldn’t wear that. After all that I’d think about if I was attracted to her or not.

Well dear readers! they say that time and tide wait for no man .. well woman in this case!.. I`ve read more blogs than i care to recall and i`ve done a lot of soul searching these last few weeks, enough to really give a therapist nightmares in fact ... I`ve found a few things along the way i thought i`d share with you .. 1, My hair arrived and monday i tried it for the first time.. hmm me and the girly who made it need a little alone time in a dark room!.. cant see out of it . cant do anything with it and well basically nearly set it on fire when i went for a smoke!.. oh i can see the head lines now .. tg woman found with melted head in night club land .. Dangers of smoking blahg de blah ok so today i took it out of its bag, and thought hey time to do something drastic i bought a pair of scissors.. !.. but as usual a friend whispered a bit of advice ( " oi karen styling you tube lfw " ) and well i got to watching a gazzilion coloured girls show me how "dey do dat thing wiv the bobbles and cremes and walla theres my new hair all sparkly nice.." so i tried it .. now me i am not a hair dresser, i`m not camp enough .. for it .. i think .. but after a few trial and errors i got it sorted. A little hair styleing on my lacefront hair . and .. yeah not bad!... the proof of course will be what happens when i step out to the meeting tonight.but i do have a few thing sin my favour.. a its all hallows eve.. an b, its gonna be dark"! Anyway back to the plot of this blog umm.. where am i .. monday .. wow what a night .. ok not a massive crowd at the lounge but enough to make it homely and a couple of glasses of shampoo and well hey it was fun!..was gonna meet samantha and sat there pondering things wig hair lippy all dolled up .. no sign of her. then i heard her behind me just after of course the obligatory fb message " sammy where the heck are ya ?"..turn round shes sat behind me and didnt recognise me with my hair in place!.. woot! so yeah we talked a bit sipped a bit cava mmm cava voddy mmm cava voddy coke.. . discussed a few topics i wont share here!.. and enjoyed each others company .. for once its nice to just be.. ya know?..not judged not sneerred at .. just be.. well taxis here for my lift to the station so time to sign out a lil bit might and i do stress might try a bit more later when i get back...

That's so lovely Dawn, you are free, free to be you. I cannot wait for mine to grow back for real. Now I am in a job that has 'stabilised' for nearly five years, I can go for it!

These past two days have both been wonderful, and difficult. Prideful, and shameful. It started out with a simple errand. My boyfriend had to work, so I went into town on my own, something I rarely get the opportunity to do. So I threw on my binder and a lose black sweater and my jeans, and wandered half an hour from home to do my errands. Grab some groceries, refill on meds, things of that nature. One thing that I needed to pick up, was an auto paint pen. For those of you who arent sure what that is, it's just the paint to fix scratches on your vehicle in the accessability of a marker. So I gathered the barcode and color code, and wandered in to find it. I knew where I was going, because I rather enjoy being at the autopart store, and knew where things were. But out of no where I heard "How can I help you, sir?" I paused, looking over my shoulder. Surely that werent for me....was it? It was. I couldnt help but stare at the man and do all I could to resist smiling from ear to ear. He didnt say miss, or ma'am, or lady....he said sir. SIR. I wanted to hug him, I was so happy. Finally! Expecially since I've seen this man before plenty of times while with my boyfriend, but that was back when I dressed like a girl and had the unbearable waist-long hair. Now....I was sir. Unfortunatly they didnt have the paint that I needed, so I left empty handed, but with a smile on my face. They didnt understand why I looked so happy after being turned down of products, but that was just fine with me. My next stop was over to UnderArmor, to find a compression shirt. I was nervous, not sure what I was looking for at all, and wandered aimlessly in confusion. Eventually I decided to ask for help, and actually had to stop and think when they asked if I was looking for mens or womens clothing. I nearly gagged when I said womens...I wanted to say mens, but if it was a matter of how it would work, I guessed it was better to be honest. She wandered around to try and help me out, but came up empty handed. So she called upon the manager, Adam. Who, by the way, threw off all the hints that perhaps he were less than straight. Which was just fine with me. He smiled and helped me out, but then he stopped and stared at me. His gaze told of nothing but concern and sympathy, before he got really close and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Darling I love you just the way you are, and please do not be offended...but is this going under a binder?" he asked. I wanted to hide. I wanted to shove him out of my way and run from that store like a lunatic. But instead I stood dumbfounded, ashamed, and nodded. He smiled though, touched my shoulder, and gave me a wink. "Perfect. Now I know what you need" he grinned. He was so helpful! One look and he guessed my size, showed me what would work best for what I needed, and I left with two shirts (which were PERFECT by the way, this man was a GENIUS!) and another grin. THOSE were my PRIDEFUL moments.....then came my shame. The next night, my boyfriend and I decided to go watch Dracula in the theater, being that I am HUGE into the vampiric mythology and Dracula could practically be my uncle I grabbed his button up black shirt, because I love how it fits, and even took the time to throw some junk in my hair to keep it looking decent. Something I dont normally even bother with because I sort of like my messy look XD I had no problems until we got to the theater, and I decided to use the restroom before the movie started. Something told me this werent going to go well for some reason, but I went anyway. I went in the women's restroom, because that's what I'm used to, and I havent gotten to the point yet that said it's alright to go in the mens. Did my business, etc. Everything was fine until I went to wash my hands, and was confronted by a middle aged mom with a toddler on her hip, a look of horror on her face. "What the **** are you doing in here?!" was her screams in my face. I were confused at first, til I realized that just like the day before, perhaps I didnt look feminine. "There are little girls in here! Get the **** out, you pedophile!" she yelled. Everyone were staring at me now, and I didnt know what to do. I tried to move past her to wash my hands, but she continued to yell at me the whole time I were at the sink. Calling me names, calling me a pervert, and even one of the little girls went to hide in one of the stalls because she thought a boy was in the girls room. My face were so red with shame and embarrassment, that I wanted to curl up in a corner. I didnt even bother to dry my hands, I just fled the bathroom with my head down, hearing the door slam behind me and the excited screaming of the woman on the other side of it. I hate the way I am. I always have. But this....this just made me feel so much worse. I dont belong in the men's room..not yet. But....now I dont even belong in the women's bathroom either? I dont like germs...I'm slightly germaphobic. But now....**** public bathrooms. I'll hold it. So in one way, it was a good experience, because it goes to show that I'm slowly molding into the man I want to be. But in another way, it's pushing me further into that void where I dont belong with them, I dont belong with the guys....I dont belong anywhere. I'm in limbo, and there's no where to go except forwards or back. I really hope I'm not messing things up, -Warren

Thanks Karen, I am in UK where mid length hair on men is fine but anything going towards the shoulder and a lot of ignorant person assume you a dead beat, anti-establishment type. In Britain we sometimes struggle to loosen the shackles of Empire days, where gentlemen were gentlemen and ladies were ladies. That is not to say I will not find acceptance, luckily our laws are very future thinking at this time.

Thanks for sharing!!! I find it interesting that you can be say in Pennsylvania were long hair is a negative while in Oregon it does not get a second look so long as the hair is groomed well. I mention these two states because I came from Pennsylvania and now live in Oregon so at least when I lived in Pennsylvania long hair on men in a professional setting was frowned upon. Moved to Oregon with hair length just over shoulder length, no issue. Now my hair is hair way down my back dry, longer wet as it is naturally curly.