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Hi Warren, This afternoon I've been thinking about what I will write and post tomorrow morning. I am planning on providing this link to Brynn Tannehill's speech that she gave at the 2014 TransPride Pittsburgh National Convention about a month ago: http://transperience.tv/i-am-real/ I think it's brilliant, fantastic, and right on. Something we should all internalize. I may watch it myself every day for a couple of weeks. Best, Emma

Good for you! Especially after a mentally draining day like the one before. Some people just need to make themselves feel better by blaming others for their problems. I was very hesitant when I first went to see my psychologist (a transgender specialist). I'd seen councellors before but they didn't really listen. I was afraid of the same things, and maybe that I "wasn't trans enough". I got over my fear and I'm glad I did. She was so in tune with me and my situation it was the first time I thought "wow, this person really knows how to act towards me" and I was able to open up after a couple of sessions. I hope yours is a good one, especially if you've had to jump through so many hoops to see them.

Two months after I graduated from college my mother committed suicide. In the middle of the night she'd driven off of a cliff south of Santa Cruz into the rocks and surf below. In many ways I was relieved but felt guilty for that. I felt I was supposed to cry and look bereaved so I did my best at her funeral and it seemed that everyone accepted my act. As I was growing up she was often depressed, sometimes unable to get out of bed. She was hospitalized several times, took antidepressants, and had electroshock therapy. And she had many conversations with me over the years as if I was her therapist. I am an only child so I was kind of locked up with her, too. Clearly, she had her own issues. Competition with her brother for her father's love. Measuring up to her mother's standards and expectations. When I was six or seven I found a paddle in our laundry room cabinet, neatly placed on a shelf. It was from one of those child's paddle and ball sets that has a rubber band to bounce back and forth. No ball, no rubber band, just the paddle with the little staple still stuck in the middle surface. I asked her why it was there. "It's for spanking you, if I need it," she said. "Why?" She looked at the palm of her hand and said, "I broke a blood vessel once spanking you. It hurt a lot and I don't want that again." I stared at the staple, wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve such a spanking. And, wondering if she'd be flip the paddle away from the staple if she spanked me with it since otherwise it might cut my bottom. I put it back on the shelf and am happy to say that I don't recall her ever using it on me. I really did try to be good. But inside I knew I was wrong and bad. I wanted to be a girl and every night went to sleep fantasizing about being taken away to become one, or having my mother buy me a dress or dance clothing, or... And I kept all of this carefully locked away. My ugly secret that I absolutely could not confide in anyone. Which, no doubt, leads to resentment, lots of hurt and shame, and depression. Thoughts of suicide, certainly. But I'm not writing this looking for pity or something. In some ways I don't even know why I'm writing it! In my twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties, I've seen a lot of therapists myself. Taken antidepressants too. For the last couple of years I've been seeing a therapist who's been terrific. I love his affirmations and understanding. He's not like so many others who simply echo what you say or say something stupid like, "how does that make you feel?" And my wife started attending the meetings too. It's so hard for me to express what's going on for me to her without having a coach in the room. Wisely, he stays unbiased - he's helping us both. So I've come out pretty darned fully to both of them. My wife's always been steadfastly against any of this stuff. But hey, she has her own physical issues that she didn't choose. So when she understood that my feelings and desires emerged before elementary school she realized that, like her, I am what I am. But I do still get depressed especially when I detect (rightly or more likely, wrongly) that my wife's unhappy with me. About a month ago I pulled my Prius up to a railroad crossing just as the arms descended. We'd had dinner out and I was alone in my car, driving home. I came very close to simply driving through the barrier and waiting on the tracks. It seemed like I had a long time to think about it, how easy yet terrifying it would be. I wondered if the train could possibly be moving so fast that it would actually do me in. Or more likely, how it would leave my Prius torn up with glass all over, me inside. Big deal, who really cares. I'm tired of all this crap. It weighs heavily at times. The train came past in an incredible rush, and I knew that yes, it would have destroyed me. I was pretty shaken up for a couple of days. Like I might have suffered from some sort of stress disorder. But I came out of it and told my therapist. Here again, he's pretty cool. I worried that he might have me committed or something. Instead, he told me that he saw how serious this all is for me. I wonder if that's more manipulation on my part. But then again it was pure happenstance that I was at that railroad crossing at that time, and I felt what I felt. So I think I was being true to myself and to him. These days I'm doing pretty well. I continue to see the therapist both by myself and with my wife. I really wish my wife and I could make progress faster (which means that we'd be able to talk more openly with each other) and I get impatient. I get frustrated and short with her at times, which I regret. I'm trying very hard to figure out who and what I am and then to be that person. Best, Emma Photo: I took this about fifteen years ago. We'd left a B & B and were driving north toward Paris. I noticed this scene outside my window and very nearly drove on. Like so many times before, drive on and then wish I'd taken the five minutes to stop and take the photo. This time I pulled over and walked back, and I'm glad I did.

I never thought of paperwork as a trigger. For anything really. Depression, anxiety, etc. But I came to realize it today. I woke up extra early and left to run some errands, knowing I had to build up some courage. I paid my bill (some of it at least) to the hospital, and stopped by the local pharmacy for a few things for my costume on friday, then I made one more stop. The councilling building, where I'll be going. After pulling into the driveway that I nearly passed by because I were nervous, I pulled in and instantly didnt want to leave the safety of my vehicle. "You're only picking up paperwork. It'll only take a second" I kept telling myself. It took several urges of courage for me to rip myself from my Jeep and stumble up to the doorway. I were instantly greeted at the front door by an overly twitchy man waiting for his doctor, and surprised to see that the waiting room was full with awaiting guests. One of which were mumbling rather violently at himself about breaking someone's face. I had to remind myself that this werent the normal doctors office and theres going to be some odd ducks here, but it didnt make me feel any better. "Am I damaged?" I thought to myself. "Am I here with the schitzophrenics and mentally insane because I too, am crazy?" It werent nice to label people I didnt even know, but with my nerves being on haywire...I jumped to conclusions about Mr. Twitch and Mr. Angry. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. After getting my paperwork, I fled like a chicken in a fox den, safe back in my car away from people. I thought "No biggy. Just fill out some info, write down my address and such...and I'll be done. No problem." Well, it werent that easy. Sure they asked my name, age, address and all the normal shinanigans, but it were ELEVEN PAGES (No kidding, and back to back pages! so like 22 pages of info!). I'm going to go through the paperwork that I had to do, little bits here and there, in case anyone is doing the same thing for the first time as well. I dont want you to be caught off guard! Dont be afraid to stop and think about your answers before putting them down! The first clue that this werent normal paperwork was it asked for my name, first last and middle. Easy. "Preferred name or nickname" No one has ever asked me that before....I've NEVER seen it on paper before....I had to actually stop and think. I were being given the choice? This never happens though.... The next was the mindnumbing task of checking boxes of the concerns or symptoms I've had recently. I had seven Well, eight. They didnt have a box for the gender thing, so they had me add it in writing. They asked about stresses or life changes (For me, it would be the coming out to limited amount of people in my life about being transgendered, which has caused a lot of stress) Next they ask if you've seen a therapist in the past, and for how long, blah blah blah. (This is after two pages of insurance and contact information, the usual blargness) Then another surprise. List your family while growing up, but it goes with "Relationship, first names, and PERSONALITY/Mental health issues" My mother, withholding names here...Is somewhat controlling, manipulative, strict, and stubborn. But god knows I love her. I'd like to slap her sometimes, like.....really hard. But I still love her. We have a lot of history of not getting along..... Next was my father. Sadly my father passed away in an auto/tractor trailer accident when I were about nine, so I cant say full heartedly that I knew everything about my father. Other than he was the most remarkable man on the face of the earth. Outspoken until provoked, but sweet and caring...My real life prince charming. Then I have my older sister, a drama queen and attention hog. My brother, who became angry and violent after my father's death. Younger sister who is more like me than she realizes, outspoken, quiet, favored at a young age then seemed to be forgotten. Then my youngest brother, who is loud and frustrating and autistic, but I wouldnt change him for the world. They ask about your childhood and to check off a few boxes (were you happy, neglected, moved a lot, abused, no friends, abused sexually, popular, shy, depressed, things like that.) They'll ask for additional info of your childhood. For me, I always had to fight for the spotlight as a child. My older sister was daddy's first girl, so they always went out horseback riding. It was 'their time'. I understood that...But I liked horses too. My brother was my father's only son, so of course they went hunting....I liked hunting too. My baby sister was his baby and his little princess, being only about two at the time. So of course she got a lot of attention. I got whatever was left over. I remember only going hunting with my father once or twice. Horseback riding....never, that I remember. Most of the time I watched in depression and abandonment sensations as he played with my siblings. The black sheep only get to watch. By the time he were done, he were too tired, or couldnt think of what we could do together. My mom wasnt exactly the 'sit and play' with her kids type. Then they ask about who you live with now, and the same personality thing. I couldnt really think of much to say about the personalities of the people I live with now aside from anger issues, controlling, manipulating, drama fests. The usual human aspects, I've noticed. For some reason they asked if I lived in a house, dorm, apartment, etc. Not sure how that's relevant.... Asked about marriages, failed marriages, etc. What you do for work, what you like to do for work, how often you work, what you like/dislike about your job, blah blah blah. Home life: Your hobbies, how often you talk to people outside of work, how many people you talk to about your feelings, are you satisfied with your romantic life, describe your romantic life, OI VEY. Then it goes on to HEALTH ISSUES. What accidents or illnesses have you suffered, what meds do you take, how many hours of sleep do you get, how often to you drink or take drugs, exercise, tobacco, physicals. Then one question stumped me. "List your personal strengths and important accomplishments" That's when it hit me... I couldnt think of any strengths. I've made no important accomplishments....what am I doing with my life? Am I literally just waking up, going to work, and calling it good? What greatness have I achieved? I felt pathetic. I had to leave it blank....I could think of nothing. I still cant. My romantic life is in shambles, I've done nothing to help or end it. My mental health is waving back and forth like a piece of string in a breeze, yet I've done nothing to tie it down. My physical health isnt the greatest, yet I continue to do things I shouldnt. I get told every single night "Put the heavy trashbags on a cart, dont put them on your shoulders" Yet I do it anyway, suffering sore back, lightheadedness, pulled muscles and even bruising on my shoulders. Yet....I keep doing it. What good have I accomplished in my life? Nothing. I cant even transition without chickening out because of what people think about me. I wear boxers, thick hoodies, binders, compression shirts, mens jeans, steel toe boots....yet I'm still always going to be a girl to the people around me. I've accomplished...nothing. -Warren

Dear Warren, Glad to hear you still have your job but of course sorry to hear about the conflict with others. Good for you for sticking up for yourself in a calm and factual way. It's hard to do, believe me I know, but it's the right way. A friend of mine once suggested that it's best that we "hold the high ground" when in these situations. This means that we do as you did, not descend into childish behaviors as she did. That way, even if she refuses to listen or continues to attack, you'll know in your heart that you did the right thing. And hey, if it gets escalated to your boss no one can fault you for how you handled it, right? :-) Regarding the counselor: yeah, it's hard to think about opening up, especially after so many others haven't really listened. He or she may very well be one more of the same, for sure. More likely, that person is a trained professional who really wants to help. So if you detect that they aren't really listening or hearing you (or maybe also wondering it's "just a phase") call them on it. Just like you did at work: calmly say something like, "I don't understand what's going on here at the moment, and hope you can help me. I'm telling you what's really going on for me but I'm not sure I'm being heard, which worries me because I really want some help. Am I misunderstanding something?" Best, Emma

I want to know what my label is which I suppose can be interpreted to knowing my own identity. Perhaps that sounds strange to some. After all, I don't think anyone wants to be labeled by others. We (or at least, me) want to know what we are ourselves. What does it matter? I think it's so that as we progress through the day, interact with others, we know who we are in the world. And yes, I'm talking here about gender. For many, it's binary: male or female. We've all heard it before so why write about it here? Well heck, it's my blog! And maybe this will help me and others sort it out a little. You be the judge. I think I remember the first time I read about "transvestites." I was in elementary school and thought maybe that's what I am. But I didn't like the label with its "tites" at the end. It sounds like some sort of disease to me. Sure, it's only a word, but I didn't like it even though it seemed to fit. Then came "crossdresser." Good, it lost the "tite." But there was something I didn't like about it, I'm not sure what. Well, I guess I know. It's not that I only like to dress in feminine clothing. I also imagine myself to be and feel like the girl or woman. So, crossdresser is too limiting. When I registered on TGGuide.com the other day I was asked to label myself. Let's look at those: Not Telling Okay, that one's obvious. I didn't want to select it since I would like to know too. Transgender This is the one I selected. But I'm not perfectly happy with it because it seems that common usage also includes transsexual within its scope and as far as I can tell (or admit?) I'm not transsexual. (Now there's another idea for a blog posting.) Male, Female These are obvious of course. Androgynous According to Google androgynous is partly male and partly female in appearance; of indeterminate sex. I don't think I fit this, which I think is a bit unfortunate. And, it's an adjective, not a noun, so is it even a label? Intersex In some ways I wish this were me. At least, then, I could point to my body parts and say "what the hell, it's how I was born!" Other Huh? I guess this is like undecided. It's cool for me if it's cool for you but not very descriptive, is it? But this thought experiment enabled me to identify one of the things that's bothering me: objective vs. subjective. It seems to me that Male, Female, Intersex, and Transsexual are very objective. You are what you are, take it or leave it. Unless one falls into one of those buckets the label is subjective? I seem to always be left with questions and here I am again. Perhaps the moral of this story is that I need to accept that there may very well be more colors in the rainbow than there are names. Diversity, yeah! Best, Emma Photo: I took this photo of a meerkat in South Africa a couple of years ago. I like it that he stands up so forthright, keeping an eye out for his fellows. Consider all the names and labels he has: meerkat, mongoose, suricata suricatta, mammal, carnivore.

After my last post/blog, I figured it would be a good idea to give an update. No, I were not fired. But I almost was. I went in and talked to my boss about it, and explained that I'd had an anxiety attack, which I'm prone to have. We talked it through and I assured him it wouldnt happen again unless nessesary, and I would tell them next time if I needed to leave. He accepted, and I was allowed to work. I were on my best behaviour all day, or as best as I could. Sometimes theres days when things are so hectic and chaotic, you dont have time to think! But yesterday was so slow, I thought I'd fall asleep. There was no food to prep, no chores to be done, and nothing to do aside from 'look busy or go home'. Which is really hard to do when there's nothing to be done. So I literally crawled under the counters wiping up dust off the shelves, just so they 1)couldnt see me 2)looked busy. I kept busy mentally with thinking things through and trying to keep myself calm, listening to music and thinking about the books I'm writing. It all seemed fairly good at the time. Then....it happened. I were standing on the other side of my counter refilling the serving stations (its set up buffet style) when one of the dish girls comes up to my counter. I was friendly and smiled with a "Hey, hows it going?" Her response? "Hey! So, I hear you've been spreading lies about me like a b****" Um.....what? Okay, backtrack to the highschool drama. "Jo" is the french student currently calling me a lying b****. "Britt" is a newer girl. Britt needed a locker. Management gave her one, no problem. Apparently said empty, filthy locker was previously Jo's locker. Jo got pissed, started ranting, left angry letters on the locker...ending in Britt moving her stuff to another locker to share with another coworker. I figured it was done and over with. Apparently not. "What lies? If I'm spreading lies, I'd at least like to know what I'm supposably saying" I told her. But she shrugged and walked off. I'm sorry, but I dont like Drive By Accusations. So, I went to find her. Me being a stubborn pain in the ***, I dont let things like that go easily. I found her, and confronted her with a "Do you want to talk about this here, or go outside? Because we ARE going to talk about whatever the hell that was." She tries pushing me around and giving me a sobstory, which I deflected quiet easily with facts about what she were saying herself were the only things I had repeated, so in turn did that mean she as lying to begin with? I confronted her calmly and told her "If you had taken me aside and said 'hey can we talk about something?' then I would have been fine with that. Let's talk. But when you come up to me, on the front line, in front of all those people the way that you did, saying what you did....It's inappropriate and it was NOT appreciated. You want to talk about this like an adult, then be an adult. Talk. But dont do it in front of students, dont do it in front of other coworkers. This is not a competition for drama and this is not a popularity contest. You want to accuse me of something, then get your facts straight and dont walk off like a coward. If you're going to throw things in someones face, at least stick around to see their reaction." I didnt hit, I didnt touch her, I didnt swear. I thought I handled it rather well, for me anyway. Just saying. IN OTHER NEWS: I have officially been signed up for a councilor/ phsyciatrist for my gender related issues and anxiety disorder. I'm awaiting a phonecall once they pair me up with one, and will do the paperwork when I get there. I'm glad it's set up, but nervous as hell. Got to admit, I almost dont want to go. I've had nothing but people trying to convince me for so long that this is a phase, and even I have to question it sometimes. But deep down, I know theyre wrong. But that little fear in me cant help but worry that maybe it's just in my head. I know people say "if you know in your heart that it is what it is, then it is". But what if I dont know what my heart is saying, because its too overclouded by what everyone else says? I'm just worried that they'll look at me and say "Nope, you're fine. It's stress/depression related, and we cant help you. You'll have to stay the way you are" Besides, me talking face to face with someone about my feelings? Not gonna go well. Think I'm going to go bury my head in some cement. Warren

Thank you both for the comments I'm so glad to have such supportive people here :3 I'll totally check that out Emma, and thanks for the top & heads up, mikah I hope it goes well too! I'm nervous! -Warren

I like the name Warren a lot, Warren. It's serious, steadfast, and trustworthy. But also warm, with great big hugs for friends and family. I like it also that while it's immediately recognizable it's also not common. It's all yours! And thank you so much for telling me that Emma Sweet is adorable. I love it. That's exactly what I hope people feel about me and my name. Best, Emma

Yup. That's right ladies and gents and dogs and cats, its a second post in one day. The reasons: Because I can. Well, that and the post I did previously was actually for yesterday that I was too tired and lazy to do last night. THIS ONE is for TODAY. Now, as some of you might or might not know, Halloween is coming. Like...in two days. And if anyone knows me personally, they know that Halloween is practically my birthday. Not really, I was born in May. But it's THAT important to me I LOVE HALLOWEEN!! It's been my favorite holiday since the beginning of my miserably misguided life. Every year since I were twelve, I've been a vampire. Vampires are everything to me I love the lore, the stories, the guidelines...So much in fact, I had joined a vampiric coven when I were sixteen. Shortlived, sadly, as I had to move AGAIN. But it was still epic. The only year I deviated from being one of the undead was when I was Wednesday Adamms for my boyfriends grandmother, who hated vampire lore. But this year.....IM DEVIATING AGAIN! Vampire? Too mainstream this year. What else is equally as fabulous that has been left in the shadows since Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries and The Originals? Lycans. Werewolves! So, I'm a werewolf this year. So excited!! I have to go grab some shinanigans to throw on my face and make myself look epic for friday, because its WOOT WOOT!! DRESS DOWN DAY AT WORK! Halloween night, all the chefs can wear WHATEVER THEY WANT (as long as it wont get in the food. Hairnets or hats still manditory, just ANY hat) I'm so excited ROFL I got my fangs as you can see in the pic ILL SHOW YOU HOW IT LOOKS ON FRIDAY! -Warren the Werewolf (has sort of a ring to it )

Love the name emma Took me a long while to decide on mine. I dont remember exactly how I settled on Warren, to be honest. I know that it means 'defender of friends' which was fitting, since I'm always defending and taking care of other people, even ones I hardly know. The full name I had settled on was Warren Renexius (was my online name for several years, AND a book character I created) Ornan (my dads middle name). It's sort of long, but I've learned to love it :3 Emma Sweet is adorable! -Warren

So I did get ahold of my boss and explained to him that I'd had a panic attack (which they know I get sometimes, I've passed out at work before) and that I was very very sorry, and showed up an hour early to work the next day so we could talk about it. He said basically just "dont do it again. If you need to leave, tell someone. We cant tell you no, but we'd like to know when some of our staff decide to walk out" So, I still have a job. Unfortunatly while on my best behaviour, drama went down last night >.< I'll explain in my next post/blog. As for the writing things down, Ill try that. I do go outside for fresh air when I need to, or sometimes I just retreat to the bathroom stalls with my ipod and calm down until I feel safe enough to try again. Works sometimes. Thank you for your suggestions! All and any are always welcome Warren