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Since I am more able to express/explain myself on paper or online, I decided that since I'll be in town that I should get my butt in gear and suck up my pride. So, I did research. I wrote emails. And...I wrote a letter to my therapist. I'm gonna share it, since I figured it might give others ideas, and hopefully what I did was right. "Dear _____, I hope your Thanksgiving went well and you didnt get buried in all the snow. I talked to a few online friends about my last visit with you, and decided it would be best to write things down rather than forget or lose my nerve later. I'll admit the realization of "without a goal, there is no destination" stung a bit, and instinctivaly as if I were being given up on. I have little to no clue what I ultimatly want/need, and I felt lost and hopeless without having valid reasons for visits aside from simply someone to talk to. Sometimes I have a hard time verbally expressing whats going on in my mind and it hinders my trail of rational thought. So my first thought were simply "Even she isnt sure how to help me, I cant even help myself" So, in short I've done A LOT of thinking; and having these few days off work is helping. I've come down to a few goals I'd like to work out. 1-Manage my anxiety 2-Stop selfharm 3-Be a happier person (4)- Be Me. Fully transition into my proper gender, and live life as who I am. If it costs me my relationship, I'll need to learn to accept that. I have contacted ______ via email in regards to cost, regulations, and state requirements for my double incision bilateral mastectomy, and am awaiting a reply. Battle plan: 1-Get serious! More research, and be more confident and less reserved. 2-If needed, see a surgeon for estimates 3-Start hormones if needed 4-Surgery!!!!!! 5-Live the full lifestyle 3 years 6-Change name 7-Just be happy! I dont like being miserable. But I cant be happy by waiting on my butt for things to change. "Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi I'll still need help, I'm not foolish enough to think that I can do it alone. But sometimes I might need to be reminded that I need to act or nothing is going to change. I'm not ready to give up yet, and I hope you arent ready to give up on me either. See you Tuesday, _____" So I'll fold it neatly. I'll put it in an envelope, and I'll drop it off at the office on my way to the bank. She'll have it on-hand, she can read it, and come up with her own battle plan by the time our visit comes up. Wish me luck, Warren

I discovered my inner girl around age 4 or 5. I vaguely remember wanting to wear my oldest sister's clip-on earrings, and my mom actually put them on me. I walked around with them on for a little while. Then, I think it was me who asked to have them taken off. A year or so later, I can recall walking, for a short spell, in my mom's high heels. Also, around that time, I did this goofy thing where I'd call myself by the name of various female neighbors. That would later evolve into having imaginary friends and playing with my sister's dolls. For Christmas of 1982, when I was 6, I got a Ken doll. I still wanted to play with my sister's Barbies after that, and I recall playing Barbie with my sister. My youngest sister was born in 1983, and I would play with her dolls, too. My parents tried to get me to enjoy more boyish toys, but I'd even pretend my toy soldiers were girls. I was more likely to make most stuffed animals as girl characters. I tried to have boy imaginary friends and accept some stuffed animals as boys. I never tried to feminize my Cabbage Patch doll I got for Christmas of '85. Still, though, I had pretend friends, and girls far outnumbered the guys. There's just something about girls' names that I, to this day, like better than guys' names. I remember an incident in the spring of 1984 when I used to play with a hunk of modelling clay. One day, I asked my dad to make a person out of the clay. He made a man, and I threw a major tantrum. I wanted a girl. He angrily took the clay from me and fixed it so I'd shut up. As I moved into puberty, I seemed to have somewhat easier success accepting masculine things. Still, there where times when I pretended my Alf doll was a girl. Now, I kept the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as guys. Michaelangelo was my favorite, and I impersonated him. Like narly, dude. Cowabunga. Still, below all that, the inner woman lodged, deep in the basement of my mind. She often came to the surface of my mind when I was with any man at all for any reason. That's always the way it is, and it's only gotten stronger in recent years. More often than not, I feel like a girl in the midst of guys or a girl sitting next to a guy. It's not a sexual attraction. That much I can explain, but the rest is unexplainable. Anyway, that's my transgender history from what I can think of. If more memories come to the surface, I may blog about them.

About three months ago, I contacted an acquaintance who practiced law but had to quit because of serious health problems. She indicated that I wanted to start my name change to contact her. Four weeks ago, we met for coffee and discussed the process, she asked for $100 to start working on it. Now I know some will say this is a lot but “wait for it”. The following weekend she asked me to fill out seven pages for the process. Got it done then gave it back to her. At this time, she asks for another $300, which covers the $111 fee and her time. What she plans on doing is handling the process start to finish. She said, last Thursday she needed to met with me again. I have not heard a peep from her. Last night I pined over how much time it would take if she contacts me this week and could not sleep thinking about after submitting three documents and posting one in the court room I needed yet another two weeks to complete the process. I decided today screw it and begin the process myself as the money is not that important but still peeved she did this. Took about 30 minutes to fill out forms, pay the fee and post a document on a corkboard. My date to start the next process is 12/14/2014. Then another two weeks followed by Social security then drivers license. This is what I need to get done before I head off to California. In retrospect I should had done this myself but thought that giving her my business we both get something out of this. Personally I am the type of person who gets to appointments early, when a friend needs help I give it and know full well that others are not always the same. Any ways I needed to write this out as it truly has been bugging me and helps a little to write this out. Good news is I am back on track rolling along like a unstoppable freight train. End of rant.

Dear Warren, I think that is a perfect note and plan. Good for you! Can't wait to hear how it goes. That said, I know (and you know too, don't you) that nothing goes "perfectly" (whatever that means). Regardless, you are expressing yourself truly and well. And that, my friend, is the right thing to do. Sincerely, Emma

As you all know, tomorrow is thanksgiving, and like most of you I have a few things that need to get done. Obviously. This year I'm going to my boyfriend's family's get together in an Inn at the top of a mountain. We've been there for last year's gathering and I'll admit, it's gorgeous and the view is absolutely the best (I'll post pictures when I can!) But this year is going to be different for me, personally. Last year I were still enduring the dressy clothes and makeup and doing my hair and whatnot. But this year....I've had enough of it. True I'll put a nice shirt on, but it's not going to be from my girl drawers. True I'll make my hair look good, but simply with a slight combing and some mousse, no pins or hairbands or pretty bows. I wont be wearing makeup, and I wont be trying to look as girly as I can stand. This year I'm not going as Kristy, I'm going as Warren. And all though they dont really know whats going on yet, and of course I'll still be called by my birthname since they dont know any better...I refuse to endure one more year of trying to fit the part of someone I'm not. So, with this whole realization of courage and stubbornness...comes the anxiety. I know they're going to be staring at me, whispering comments, asking my boyfriend's mom "Whats going on with her?" His family is known to be judgemental gossipers, so I know this will go smoothly until they start to whisper amongst themselves. Although I'll probably just find a nice corner to sit in with my tiny plate of food I probably wont even finish, at least I can say I went. This year everyone was asked to bring one thing, and we were asked to bring two gallons of milk. But reality says NO ONE is going to drink TWO gallons of milk, so I improvised. We'll bring ONE thing of milk, and I'm bringing a dish. One thing I've pleasantly mastered at work is pasta salads, and this year I'm going to make my Nana's Autumn Pasta Salad. It's pretty easy, and nice and crisp if you love flavor I'll let you guys know how it went, and hope you all have a good holiday Your buddy in Plaid, Warren NANA'S AUTUMN SALAD -Boil some pasta (any kind you want. Bowties or elbows or shells work the best. Throw in some veggie pasta for color!) (MAKE SURE ITS COLD WHEN YOU MAKE THE SALAD) -Mayo -Cranberry sauce -craisins -raisins -apples (golden delicious or granny smith are the best. peel and chop into cubes) -pecans (crush or chop em up) -Cucumbers (I like to peel them 100%, cut in half lengthwise, and take a spoon and scoop out all the seeds so its not so mushy and slimy, then cut the halves into small cubes) -FRESH parsley (dried has next to NO flavor and you want the pretty green color in it) Basically, boil up your pasta to your liking. In a bowl, mix up half a can of cranberry sauce with an equal amount of mayo & mix it well. (Cran-mayo is also great for turkey sandwiches or on other pasta dishes!) toss in a handful of your apples, pecans, cucumbers, raisins, and craisins. Mix well. Mix it up with your pasta, THEN mix in your chopped up parsley. Let it sit for a bit to absorb the flavor and voila, Nana Gates' Autumn Salad ;)

Have a good Thanksgiving, Warren. I hope everything goes OK. And looking forward to the pictures! :)

Dear Warren, You're cool, be yourself. Yes, there will be whispers and curiosity. But you, you're true blue. Be well, have a good time. Stay close to your boyfriend. He's your ally, I think. Happy thanksgiving, Emma