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The following has no real train of thought (dang female hormones ) but this is what's up Just received my packet from Doctor Bower, have started filling in forms and making appointments for EKG and HIV testing. Three weeks to go to formalization on name change. Going through the list of items I need to take with me to California and see that I need a ample supply of KY jelly. I decided to do NetFlix subscription, as being there for two weeks will need something to do when unable to get around. I know it’s getting real when just about every night I imagine myself being rolled into the room for surgery. Booked room for stay, normally $200 per night (yikes), discount rate is $155 which is $2000 total and I am use to places that charge (in my area) half that price, sure wish I had people in the area. Photos for the hotel. On the home front, I am picking up my final letter for surgery and document for name change/gender approval next Friday. Tomorrow I meet with my legal friend to get back money and Sunday off to purchase luggage as my current luggage is old and beatup or use UPS Luggage Shipping where they supply you with a cardboard suitcase then again I may not, will have to see. Just returned from the post office and made my payments of $28,000 for surgery. The cashier at the bank said, can I help you mam? Gave her my driver licence which is still my male one and afterwards stayed with mam.

The room has grocery shopping service, full kitchen and tons of other stuff like coffee maker, full refrigerator (not the normal small ones), stove, toaster etc. Yes I hope my information helps others :-)

Hi Karen, Every day another step closer! Yes, hotels are expensive around here and even $155 is a bargain. I assume your hotel doesn't have room service so I hope you're also planning on how you will get what you need to eat. Your posts are so helpful to every transman and transwoman who will follow in your footsteps. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and I encourage you to continue. Emma

Had a meeting with my therapist this afternoon. It went fine - he's terrific. Need to continue to explore myself... Started by telling him that I’m feeling some sadness and ambivalence lately. The excitement of the gender euphoria has died down and I’m left with the enormity of wondering what to do, where I’ll end up, and how my life is going to be affected. I’ve read a lot about transgender and its definition. The first sentence in Wikipedia’s definition is: “Transgender is the state of one's gender identity or gender expression not matching one's assigned sex.” It occurs to me that although when I see women/girls now and wish I was one this doesn't necessarily mean that my gender identity is not matching my assigned sex. And with that data point combined with my ambivalence I’m thinking now that I do not need to change my sex to match my gender. Some might say that’s a good thing but I’m less sure. I feel it would be better to know that my assigned sex doesn’t match my gender. At least, then, I’d know what I need to do. Instead I’m stuck in the middle, unsure of what will satisfy me. Over that last week or so I had started to wonder if I really am transgender. After all, if I don’t fit with the Wikipedia definition (and we know they are always right!)… But transgender is an umbrella term that covers a wide range. I found a great “Trans Blog” by Angus "Andrea" Grieve-Smith (http://transblog.grieve-smith.com) that I recommend. Her insights and writing are excellent. For example, she wrote (http://transblog.gri...nd-actions-iii/): “…most of us under the “transgender umbrella” – transvestites, transsexuals, genderqueer, non-binary, drag queens, butch lesbians and all the others – all feel either gender dysphoria or transgender desire, or both. Our interpretations of these feelings may be different. But more importantly, there are a wide variety of possible actions in response to those feelings, and none of those actions are more automatic or necessary than any other.” Thus, with her definition – which I believe is better said than Wikipedia’s – transgender includes me, and I’m okay with that. My therapist then suggested that when I see a woman on the street that I wish I was her. I told him that on one level that’s correct but that there is a much larger sense. Truly, I wish I had had her whole experience, growing up as a little girl, being a Brownie and then a Girl Scout, taking ballet lessons, and going through school, puberty, and emerging as a young adult woman. That’s what I think deep down. And I know that’s a fantasy of course, so that longing is also a bit saddening. He then asked me what I know I want. Here’s some answers: 1. I want my marriage with my wife to continue and deepen. 2. I want my wife and I to be able to be 100% open with each other at least in the privacy of our home. As it is now, I have to hide my (growing) collection of feminine clothing at all times, which is very similar to remaining closeted. 3. I want to be sexual with my wife (only) which may mean making love with me also expressing as a woman, but also as a man – but that is dependent on my not living under the cloud of non-acceptance from her. These days I am feeling lots more calm and less defensive than before I came out to my therapist and to my wife. It’s as if I always had this delicate house of cards constructed to hide my innermost feelings and shame, and when that house was shaken by criticism (real or imagined) or anything, I reacted emotionally to protect myself and my house of cards. That’s less urgent now that I’ve come out more with the real me. But the problem remains that I need to feel my wife’s full acceptance and support, without raised eyebrows or negative comments. Like if I buy a new dress she would say, “Let’s see it on you!” with some enthusiasm. Or, if I was dressed, we could watch TV or do whatever, together. We are very far from that ideal right now and it’s not at all clear that we will get there, which adds a lot of stress and uncertainty for me now. Lastly, I feel very alone and lonely. Besides my therapist and my friends here at TG Guide, there is no one else for me to talk to. I’d just like to hang out and have a dinner, maybe a glass of wine, and be able to be open and be me – whatever that is. Goodness knows I’ll be even lonelier if my wife and I were to separate, so that’s a big concern too. I do plan on attending a TG (MTF only, I think) support group next Wednesday evening in San Jose. I’ll “go as I am” in male-mode which I’ve been assured that is okay. I do need to tell my wife about this; will do that in a day or two. At this point I’m glad I met with my therapist but I’m tired and have a headache. I’ll take two aspirin and call in the morning… Emma Photo: an eagle in Norway, having snagged the chum and taking off for who knows where, to chow down on it.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens , bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings , these are few of my favorite things . This song melody was from a 1965 American musical '' The Sound of Music '' staring Julie Andrews & Christopher Plummer directed an produced by Robert Wise . We are born in the way we are for sure . How much of what we were exposed to in our past lives has molded us into what we have become today . I was told so many times '' toughen up , toughen up , do not act like a girl. Now that I am on my own '' pink '' that girly color truly is becoming my favorite color . In the past I was taught to shy away from this color boys do not wear such things. I do like bright colorful things , flowers , butterflies , soft feeling things like lace , nylon , and satin . I like to go shopping . I remember going to department stores with my mother , I would love to hide in the ladies dress racks feeling those dresses against my skin. The sound of falling water is so peaceful , the oak forest whispering from a breeze is pleasing . How about music and dance . I like all kinds of music and I can dance for hours. I do like to smell like a girl ; before when I did not shave those underarms , well anyway........ that was not so pleasant. I like to change my look from time to time , before I always carried the same boyish image. I like kind people , and those not so kind , I know there is a smile in there someplace. With all these likes and there is plenty more. I wonder , how that I was raised to be so tough , that I am now living and experiencing those girly things that I do like. I should be like a Sylvester Stallon '' Rambo '' or something . '' The Sound of Music '' movie was such a great musical . I remember watching it several times . Julie Andrews to me is the epitome of a lady like classy lady , both in the movie and in real life. How much did watching that movie so many times influenced how I perceive how a women should be ? Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens brown paper packages tied up with strings '' These are a few of my favorite things . '' Be what ever you want to be , just love yourself that is what really counts.

I have always been a female in heart and mind since I was 7 years old and seeing professional help starting at 11 because my Father told me I was sick and needed help. He was a lifer in the USAF and brought up by a mean Grandmother. I started wearing girl cloths when I was 7 years old, I had a girlfriend and her mother help me discover who I was and helped me be who I was, my Mother stayed neutral, but was confused by my choice. During my life I always found other girls who supported who I was and lived a secret life shared with select few, moving around a lot was difficult. My father continued to get me the help he thought I needed, my professional help told me there is nothing wrong with me and to live as I wish. Most of my young life my Father beat me. Later in life I lived as a Girl with 3 of my Girlfriends for 5 years full time. I was 22 years old and had no problem passing a one of the girls. If I had the resources at that time in life would have made the change then, but things change and I had to change to survive in life. I am 61 now and have the time and the desire to start Hormones, next month I start. Support