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So today I made very slight progress, though it put me in a bad mood all day and made things very disappointing. After exchanging very brief emails with the plastic surgeon center at the nearest large hospital in my area, I finally decided to call them and get a quick estimate on what I'd be looking at for a top surgery plus anything else that may or may not be required. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping for. It's not like they'd start giggling like the littlest elf and offer free surgery and tell me to show up tomorrow. Though that would be epic... But, alas, miracles dont happen every day. I were greeted by a rather friendly young woman named Alice, though she werent my alice in wonderland. She didnt have the greatest of news for me either. My Double Incision Bilateral Mastectomy will cost me an estimated grand total of 8,000$. Right now I have saved up....600$.... Before I can even go in for consultation about the surgery, I'm required by the state to see a phsycologist, which my insurance probably wont even cover. They offered me a "care card" which is basically a credit card that they can charge it all to that I pay off later...but with a lot of interest and growth interest. Meaning the longer it takes me to pay it off, the bigger the bill gets. Gee...thanks.... So my next phonecall was to my doctor to inform her that I self-changed one of my medications because it was giving me horrible side effects, but she insists that I come see her this friday. Not only because of that...but they're considering putting me on testosterone hormone treatment. Part of me is like HELLZ YES!!!! But....who wants to grow facial hair and possibly body hair and start looking masculine....while still enduring the embarrassment of 44DDs? No one, that's who. And certainly not me! I dont want to walk around with a 5oclock shadow and chest fuzzies while still trying to sort out my "tumor issue". I hate how I look as it is, that is not going to help! On the other hand, I'm excited for a deeper voice, for my body's reshaping into it's male form, and certainly for a less girly face. As a girl I look my proper age. But if I were to pass off as a boy, I look thirteen, not twenty two. Anyway....next call: Insurance. What do you and do you not cover in terms of surgery? Well, I got a woman who could barely speak english. But the answer I got was basically "nothing". I have a 500$ deductable, and 5000$ OUT OF POCKET. Granted 5,000$ is better than 8000$ but....I can barely pay my bills as it is....theres no way I can do that right now...or even next year. So you can see why I was depressed all day. I'm tired of waiting. I dont want to wait until next year, or the year after, or the year after. I want these GONE. On top of that... I think my boyfriend and I just officially decided to be roommates in the future. And that's it. Nothing more. Blah..... But here's the GOOD NEWS: I'm trying to go sober again! From cutting, I mean. I'm not much of a drinker I got a sudden slap to the face while browsing the infamous youtube last night, and stumbled on a video out of no where. "Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then go on and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you aint who you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that aint you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens, you're my son, you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life." Rocky Balboa I grew up watching rocky with my dad up until he died when I was eight in a tractor trailer truck accident. After his passing, I couldnt watch it anymore because I'd always think of my dad and break down in tears. My dad was my everything. My whole world, my hero, my knight in shining armor. Because my dad was my Rocky Balboa. But that quote came to my ears and it made me cry. Hell I'm not ashamed of it, it made me bawl like a damn baby. Because at this particular point in my life...I needed that. I needed those words and it picked me up and brushed me off and said "damn it, your father dont want this for you, put that stupid blade down and get up off your knees!" My dad doesnt want me to sit in the corner and wave a white flag. He'd want me to brush off my shoulders, put my boxing gloves back on, and prove to them that I can do it. Because I can. So damn it, I'm gonna try. Not just for my Dad, but for me. I just hope I can K.O. my own doubt before the bell rings. Warren

Seems like in the past two weeks a lot has been happening, genital area is fairly clear, booked hotel room, doctor's packet arrived. Last week I paid most of my surgery fee, the remaining amount is waiting for one office to receive my paper work for a $1,200 fee. Friday I am going to UPS for UPS luggage. I decided to send my stuff done to arrive a day before I arrive. Everything will be tossed when going back home. So the contents are disposable, it pays to save some out dated clothing. Next Monday I part one of my name change is done then two more weeks and it's official Two more weeks for a phone appointment with anesthesiologist I know I am missing something (oh that's right it must be from being mostly blonde now) A co-worker pressured me today to learn about my surgery, long story short, he confirms my thoughts that the majority of co-workers will be fine with it. Matter of fact most people are guessing what is going on with me and are guessing I am transitioning. Such a great feeling May do airfare on Friday.

Hi Karen, All systems go! Getting ready for blast off! How exciting for you as this wonderful new chapter of your life is about to begin. You go go go, girl! Emma

It’s become clear to me recently that being transgender has been like living in a carefully constructed and maintained house of cards. Designed to protect me from discovery of my secret, my house has many rooms and no windows. Rooms are labeled with names like “How I’m supposed to be with people at work,” and “How I’m supposed to be with my wife,” and “How I’m supposed to be with friends.” Like any house of cards it’s prone to sudden collapse and needs continuous monitoring to detect any slippage before it crashes down. I’ve even had a house of cards with my therapists even as I knew that I needed to be fully transparent to help them help me out of depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. With my shame I was unable to do so and thought that my feelings could be treated separately without their (and my) full understanding of my psyche. I now know I was wrong, which led me to spending a lot of time and money, relationship problems, and stifled career progression for the past 40 years. Important safety tip: don’t follow in my footsteps if you can avoid it. It might help to provide a summary of the effects of living in my house of cards: Marriage - I was often hyper-sensitive to anything I interpreted as criticism, leading to my needing reassurance that I am okay. - Reduced sex drive due to my not being more true to my self as well as over-thinking innocent requests like, “Touch me here, this way.” - Anger and frustration when she came up with what I interpreted as more rules for me to live by, like being advised to not wave my hands when talking (looks effeminate, go figure), be sure to keep the washing machine’s lid raised when not in use to prevent odor, shake out washed clothes before putting them in the dryer. Oh great, more cards to add to my already-teetering house. - “I’m so tired” as my common phrase at most hours of the day. Who could blame me? Keeping my house from falling while doing my job or anything else with others is exhausting. Children - Always good at shaking the house, challenging the status quo, not listening or following through… and me, paranoid about being found out. I was so uptight, trying to control and direct instead of providing them with the warm comfort they expected. (My wife assures me I wasn’t that bad and was actually a good father. She's biased of course.) - Thank goodness I had two sons. I can’t imagine how tough it would have been for me (and them) if I’d had daughters. Career - Often unhappy and unfulfilled, threatened by senior management due to doubts I was really one of the boys. Trying to act the part, mostly succeeding, but at a huge cost to me. - Despite my competence, I communicated - more often than I should have - insecurity, fear, need of reassurance: not a promotion path. - Always the one who first thought of customer’s feelings over pragmatic business realities, leading to a fair amount of raised eyebrows. - Changed jobs a lot trying to find the “right one.” Do I still live in my house of cards? To some extent, yes, although many of the cards have been removed recently by my coming out to my wife and therapist. What a huge relief! But it still has to be maintained while I consider where/when/if I come out to others. At least, though, I finally have awareness that my house isn’t as unstable as I’d thought and for that matter I care a bit less about it these days. I still have an in-law apartment above the garage which I maintain to keep track of what I have not yet confided to my wife. I’m having trouble, for example, telling her that I am and will be buying more clothes and accessories, that I need to store and care for them, and that I’ll be getting some coaching on all this from TG community resources. Emma

Hello everyone, I apologize deeply for being gone so long. Life has been a bit chaotic as of late, and with all the winter storms hitting us hard up here in the north, this become even more chaotic. You guys havent really missed too much, I'll be honest. Only things that have happened lately is that I didnt go to my therapy session today. I got a call from Joan at 7am this morning to call off our appointment due to road conditions and black ice, and she did want herself nor I to risk it. Though a part of me was relieved that I could crawl back into my bed with my boyfriend, another half of me felt like I really really wished she'd risked it. As bad of me as it is to want someone to risk their safety just so I can go and whine and be a crybaby, I couldnt help it. I've almost grown dependent on our weekly visits together. Otherwise, it wasnt too bad of a day. Classes for the students I cook for was cancelled due to the weather, though surprisingly I didnt get completely ambushed on serving either. Normally no classes means I get mauled to pieces by 2k students with nothing better to do than eat until they burst. But, again, with the weather, they didnt want to venture out of their dorms. THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT. After four inches of very stick snowballs raining from the skies, the weather turned another direction and instead hit 41F and turned to rain. Which, in turn, transformed the whole county into one giant slush pit. Yay.... But, with the bad comes the good, because they let us close down early and go home. Otherwise..I got bit my a spider o.o Sorting through grapes, and he just popped out and bit my hand. So as you can see, nothing too exciting has happened. I havent really heard much back about my estimate for the top surgery, so I'll have to call them now that I've found my cellphone. (Its only been missing about two weeks! Was in a coat pocket......derp.) My binders are starting to irritate me a little bit, and I might resort to a sports bra underneath it. Simply because after a while it doesnt do much, and simply makes it look like I am wearing no bra at all (technically im not but its not a good look either). I'm still looking into getting a REAL binder, though its tough for someone with my bust size. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Trying to hint to the boyfriend that it can be a christmas gift, until I rethought the idea. I'd have to open gifts with the family.... With HIS family.... Bad idea to get a binder during christmas. Yikes! That's it for now, nothing much else. Tootles! Warren SIDENOTE: Why do girls talk to themselves so much in the bathroom!!? I go in the bathroom to hide and calm down my anxiety sometimes, and of course I have to use the girls bathroom, as much as I hate it. But everytime I'm in there, all the girls will whisper or mumble and talk to themselves! Its so weird! I'm not racist but I've noticed this habit ESPECIALLY with the spanish or nepali girls. Granted, it cracks me up when I'm hiding in there listening to them talk to themselves, but still.....rather strange.

OK, I admit I find it somewhat amusing when someone tells me that something I've always done is "typically" a female trait. But talking to yourself in the bathroom can't be exclusively female, can it? We all talk to ourselves regardless of gender... right? To be fair, I try not to do it when I know there are other people in there. But of course sometimes it happens that, oops, didn't realize there was someone in that last stall! Then I just really hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing! And of course, there are other places I talk to myself other than just the bathroom. But perhaps I'm just a bit crazier than most! :lol:

Hey Warren, Look, you deserve attaboys for taking action today, calling the surgeon, the insurance, your doctor, and finding out the realities. Most people don't have the cojones to do that, and you did. Look up 'cojones' if you don't know what they are... :-) I'm very happy to hear that you're going to stop cutting. Here again, your instincts are right on. You've got a good head on your shoulders, young man. Yes, it will take some problem solving to get your surgery and all figured out but I am certain that you will do it. Emma

Hahaha! Warren, you crack me up. I guess we'll give you a hall pass for this week with your therapist. Take care, stay warm. Emma

11/21/2014 Hello Everyone, First, let me welcome you to my blog. I am Amber and these posts will most likely end up as my random thoughts when I have time to write them. Second, let me give you a quick back story. I am a life long crossdresser, I remember being about 4 years old the first time I snuck into my mothers clothes. It was about the age of 6, my mother caught me for the first time and I really truly felt like something wasn't right. I also for the first time realized I was going to have to hide what I truly felt, otherwise it was just going to be trouble. I managed to make it until my early 20's before I drunkenly stumbled upon my dad in the kitchen one night, in full drag, after partying with my now wife. Let's just say it still hasn't been brought up since. A side from my wife, there are not many people in my life who understand. She is an absolute angel and I can never thank her enough for everything she does and puts up with. She is a brilliant, strong woman who has the biggest heart of anyone I know. 11/24/2014 Flash forward to now, we live our day to day lives, I work 1st shift at a factory. No one there knows. Once I'm home after a long day, I can be myself ... to an extent. My wife's one request was to keep things from our son, at least until he was older, as to not sway his own perceptions. I am fine with this, it just makes it extremely hard sometimes. Otherwise, I live a pretty awesome life, very active outdoors, try to be as socially active as I can stand, very happy just sewing away in my little craft corner. I express myself how and when I can, which has lead me to start modeling, I've been doing it a little over a year now and I am currently waiting on my 3rd set of images to come from the photographer. It is so much fun and really satisfies a nagging itch to create something beautiful. Well that's all for now. Gotta go start dinner Until next time.