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I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing. But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please. I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries. I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog. This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself. Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction. What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have... Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them. Just how many police initiated arrest you performed. So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what... One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none. It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested. So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way. I didn't have a cycle. I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others. NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival. Now, you know what. I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair. My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female. I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian. Again a butch lesbian, I am told. Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said. I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed. He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away. Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life. I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack. But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing. Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world. Will and can never hurt me. Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now. Be safe and take care of yourself. Love and protection from Michele H Ps... Question, how do you view this??? My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day??? Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me. It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday. I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him. I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.

Hi, I'm Debi, also known as Steambelle. My blog is going to go into some very deep places. I think it would be right for me to say the following trigger warnings are in place: -childhood sexual abuse, including incest and rape -talk about suicide, mental illness and depression -eating disorders -self-mutilation -psychiatric hospitalization -physical, emotional and verbal abuse -reparative therapy My first full blog post is coming later tonight. I'm mad as hell about there not being any supportive services where I live, and I'm not afraid any more of talking honestly about what's happened to me. My transition is the greatest thing to happen to me and I am very happy finally identifying as who I am, but it still has to be said it is a miracle I am still alive. There are still a lot of suicide risk factors in my life and I feel I have nothing more to lose by relating these especially in the context of being transgender. I hope I can keep doing this as I blog more.

Hello Debi, This site is a great place to openly discuss things that have and had happen to you as we are all at some level in our journeys and can better understand what someone is going through along with offering support and information.

I never thought of it like this... Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender. I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else. And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!" So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass. Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could. But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl. I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting. And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk. Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl. And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy. So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me. I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think. Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her. But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best. Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be. Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world. Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes. How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition. I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch). Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head. But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her. I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her. I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings. Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world. First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone. Cheers, stay safe and love life. Michele H

Sorry this hurts my eyes an not able to read it