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I was awake before 3 am, having had one of the most disturbing dreams I've had for some time. I didn't get back to sleep; instead I got up and browsed the internet then I read for a while. And now I'm back on the internet. Yesterday was a good day for some reasons and a bad day for other reasons. Good: I got another appointment with the doctor for the end of this week. I got assigned a specialist trans* case worker by our HR department. I bought a train ticket and reserved a room in a posh hotel for a trip to London next week. Bad: I got stuck at work longer than I'd hoped for and this meant I hit the traffic when I finally finished. I then got stuck in more traffic heading into the city and realised I wasn't going to make it in time for my monthly FtM group meeting in the city centre so I had to abandon thoughts of attending, turn around and go home, which made me angry. I'd been looking forward to that session for three weeks. This morning I feel weird. I feel full of doubts. I'm questioning everything I've done recently. I'm questioning everything I've set in motion. The dream has caused these feelings, I know. I dreamt of my mother. She said to me, in the dream, "You're so self-absorbed. This is the most selfish act of your life. You're going to ruin everyone's lives. Everyone around you is going to suffer because of what you're doing. You're going to kill your father. He won't be able to cope." I know what she was referring to, even if she didn't actually say it in the dream. She could only have been talking about one thing. And of course I know it was only my own subconscious mind. But now I'm thinking, "Am I going to kill my father? Am I doing the wrong thing?" Well, I'd better log off and get ready for work.

Well that's a brave entry, however much I want to click the like button I can't because the content is so sad. STOP Please do not think of suicide. No you shouldn't care about anybody remotely like the person or people that you describe, you should care about yourself, and ask yourself what would make you happy in your life? These people are not concerned about you, they are concerned with their own social standing, it sounds so very conservative and old fashioned. It sounds as if a completely fresh start is needed, re-boot your life, start afresh somewhere known to be liberal away from your current location, new place, people, job and thinking. Where are you located? I'll try to avoid it! Hugs, Eve

Yes, that support means so much that it's hard to put it into words.

There may have been a gap between entries but the important thing is the amount of progress that you've made. My partner read this entry too, and she said it's nice, so I grabbed her kissed her and said how much spouse support means to someone transitioning, so thanks for this entry. Cheers Jay, Eve