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I have to admit I'm struggling with writing these entries at times.........my clutch seems to have an intermittent fault...............I just can't get my ass into gear sometimes. So, in my previous entry, I said I was looking forward to swimming in a Trans only swimming session, well it's also for gender non conforming people too, which I forgot to mention in my last entry. It went really well I enjoyed myself and swam 12 lengths of the pool straight off non-stop, this surprised me as I have had very little exercise over the last couple of years, other than occassional walks and cycle rides. So it seemed I was fitter than I had imagined, I could also swim quite quickly when I wanted to, this was the first time in the water in about 4 years, when I last SCUBA dived. We could have done with a few more swimmers to cover the cost of the pool hire, but 3 of us paid extra to cover the outlay. I plan to introduce snorkelling as a taster at the next session, to see if we can attract more swimmers, I might even take along an underwater propulsion unit for fun. I have to put together an advert for the session so I have my work cut out, and I have to get my clutch fixed ! On the way back from the last TAGS session I had to call in to our local supermarket to get some stuff my partner wanted, but the thing is, I'd forgotten completely that I hadn't got any make-up on, and generally when out in public I always wear make-up, because I think I don't look femme enough without it, anyway this time I just got on with it as normal no-one stared or made any derogatory comments - as is normally the case, and it wasn't until I'd got back to my car, that I realised that it was my first time in a supermarket without make-up. I have to admit I was amazed and happy with myself (chuffed). On a day to day basis I'm getting more and more delivery drivers calling me "luv" than I ever imagined would be the case, LoL. Christmas preparations are getting underway here, the trees up and decorations and lights are on, party organised for the 27th, pain killers ready for the 28th ! We're all looking forward to it, and hope that your Christmas, or whatever celebration you have, is equally enjoyable. Have a fabulous time, Eve

Yesterday I went to three different banks to ask for a name change on their systems. And I went to the bank we have our mortgage with for the same purpose. I had my Deed Poll certificate in a cardboard envelope inside a plastic bag (because it was raining). For some reason I don't want to get that certificate creased or folded yet but I'm sure the novelty will wear off at some point. Bank number one: I nervously watched the expression of the guy behind the counter as I asked for the name change and handed over my certificate. Not a flicker of anything appeared on his face when he read it. He just took the certificate, tapped away on his computer, told me he was just going to step away to take a copy of the Deed Poll and then he brought it back and handed it over with a smile. "That's all done," he said. "I'm going to order you a new card now. Would you like it to say Mr <first name> <initial> <last name> or just Mr <initial> <initial> <last name>?" I hadn't even considered that. I asked for just initials. "Great," he said. "That's all ordered for you now, Mr M*****. Have a nice day!" So simple. Five minutes flat and it was all done. I'll get a new card in a few days with my new name on it and I'm looking forward to seeing it. And he called me 'Mr' without batting an eyelid! Bank number two: The lady behind the counter looked really young. Early twenties, if that. Again, I watched her face carefully to see what she might be thinking as I handed over the certificate and explained what I wanted. She smiled and got on with the job of changing my name on the mortgage account, chatting away to me about the horrible weather as she was doing it. This took a little longer than at the first bank and she explained that the system was really slow for some reason. But within ten minutes, it was all completed. Bank number three: I dashed to the third bank which was only a few hundred yards down the road. It was quicker in there. I had already found a change of name form online and filled it out and so I took that with me and handed it over with the certificate. The guy copied it, stamped the copy on the back and signed it and then he said. "Right, you can leave that with me. I'll send these to the department that does this stuff for us. Your new card will arrive within a few days. Is there anything else I can do for you today?" I said no and wished him a pleasant afternoon. He grinned and said, "You too!" It was only when I got outside again that I realised I hadn't even bothered to look for any kind of a reaction from him. And he hadn't given any, except a nice smile. Bank number four was closed by the time I arrived. But three out of four ain't bad! I know these people get paid to do a job and be pleasant to their customers and all that, but I was convinced at the start of the day that I'd get some kind of funny look from someone. But I didn't. And next week I'll have new cards to prove my name really has changed. Not only my name, but my title. #CallMeMister

Ok Mister thats made me smile a lot, thanks for doing that, because I was becoming a bit, no a lot emotional. My close friends dog has recently been put down, and when I got to her house after a swimming session, i asked where Fern was, only to learn that she was put down within the previous week and that my friend had cried all the way to work. I've always been emotional even as a male, even when I did some horrible male things as a subterfuge. But now I really am emotional so thanks for your good news story, I needed it........ Bless you in your innocence and good luck for the future, Eve

Thought I would disclose my current plans for me in regards to making changes I thought about first then acted on. There were no rushed decisions, all well planned out beforehand. Phase one was gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. Phase II current to end of February The Fraxel Experience: laser treatments not only improve the look of your skin, but it will improve the health of your skin and the strength of your skin by encouraging collagen turn over and proliferation. Your skin will become more like it was in your earlier years, and after about a month, it will feel better when touched. I had three sessions done as of yesterday. I don't see a huge difference but a handful of people (whom I did not tell them I had this done) said I looked younger or, there is something different about you. I will say that this is a painful procedure on the nose and upper lip but worth it since people do notice a difference. I plan on doing this once a year.Fillers for cheeks, this was done last week. Did not notice a difference until a week later and this gave me a huge smile. This needs to be done every three months.Botox for upper lip, done last week too. After the first week I am seeing changes everyday for the better.Voice lessons begin end of January, have four sessions set.Hypnosis to enforce what I learn with voice lesson. The practitioner said one session was enough after my consultation. I asked if having a session before and after would help, she said yes so my first session (two hours) is this Monday. On the Frazel, botox and fillers I received great discounts. I used them two years ago for my permanent cosmetics for eyebrows and got a discount then too which they do in December. Phase III (last one) is planned for March which is a brow lift. Same surgeon that did my breast. After breast augmentation I said no more surgeries but after a discussion with the surgeon who did a follow up on my breast three weeks ago indicated I could benefit from a brow lift yet admitted I was fine without one but would improve my female appearance. Admittedly I could easily not do any of the above in regards to phase 2 and 3 but I feel they will make me a tad better. I always stress when getting procedures done to not over do it, make me look natural, not fake.

uh oh !

Hey Eve, All I can say is, "Darn good for you, luv, we are so happy to hear this news from you." Keep it coming, and keep on keepin' on. Hugs, Emma

Have a good week-end, really glad you're so happy. Eve

I was super excited for this time of year at one point, but now I'm realizing more and more that I'm dreading it deep down inside. Nothing I recieve will be for 'Ren' or 'Warren', but all for 'Kristy'. It hurts and it makes me want to avoid christmas altogether. I've been fighting constantly with my mother just to get visitation with my lil sibling Kai for christmas, as was promised. It has turned into chaos to get her to let her come over, and to be honest shes pissing me off. Finally, after Kai crying and basically begging my mom to let them come over, it's been settled and I'm picking Kai up on friday the 11th. I have plans for christmas with her but do not want to say here on the off chance that my mother might have access, though I have no freaking clue how she would. But she's evil and manipulative so I wouldnt doubt it if she did. Just to 'keep tabs' on me. Yes, I'm slightly paranoid right now. Otherwise, work has been great and whatnot. I have 90% of my xmas shopping done and (shockingly) wrapped which is nice. My xmas cards are 80% done aside from mailing them out or handing them out as most dont need to be put in the mail. Which is kind of nice. And I'm still not entirely pleased with the extra blog on my tgg account (alex ) but I guess I should just let it go, since he didnt really have anywhere else to post and isnt very tech savvy. It still seems really really weird to consider myself one of multiple. Just months ago, he were simply a figment of my imagination. A constant and obnoxious voice in the back of my head that I would argue with until it reduced me to frustrated tears. But he's certainly real...no matter how I wish it wasnt true, and I could just be some normal transgender dope. But I guess it could be worse....some people with MPD have destructive alts or child or "littles" alts. Thankfully, as far as I know, its just Alex and he's both mature and non-destructive. Though I wasnt pleased to wake up from a hangover Thanks a lot. >:( I'm still trying to process the whole thing....I half wonder sometimes if its just a secret side of myself attempting for attention but if it was, then why do we have full conversations and talk back and forth constantly when I'm at work, where no one else is around? If it was for attention, then who would I be doing it for if we're alone? We.....such a weird feeling to say 'we' instead of 'me'. But somehow, it feels more suiting. I just sucks that I have to keep quiet about it around everyone offline. Granted, my boyfriend knows but from what I told him, he assumes that is just a switch of personality, not a switch of person. He sees it as my mind blocking out something and forcing an emotion instead, kind of like being bipolar. He's never met Alex. Not officially. Alex is very very good at surpressing his accent and emotions enough and pretend to be me that no one notices. Aside from downing a drink that I normally would never be able to finish. >.> Again, thanks for that.... Basically life is really confusing right now. I'm not sure what is me and what is him or what is imagination and just...It's hard when I do not have a full validation that it's real or not. I've considered seeing a therapist but there arent any in my area who will take my insurance. I cant afford another bill Thankfully we've met another person who has MPD (a MUCH bigger system than alex and I. They have over 12 alts 0.0 holy sh--) and it's nice because it gives him someone to talk to that I trust him doing that with. And it gives me someone to ask advice from. Right now, I still am very very very VERY hesitant on talking to anyone offline about this. Only you guys and a few who have paid attention in my transregulars group on FB actually know about him. I can probably count them all on one hand (aside from you guys on TGGuide). Still is very weird to me...... As a sidenote, I told him he could pick my next haircut. And he hasnt let me forget >.< So, pics upcoming when I get it cut next week. Wish me luck.... -Ren P.S. PROJECTS: Front Lawn: (no snow yet, poo!) CREAM CHEESE/CHOCOLATE CHIP FILLED MONKEY BREAD (IN EACH BITE) XMAS SNOWMEN I MADE FOR KAIRI & MACKENZIE (NIECES) AND JORDAN (BABY BROTHER)