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My best female friend whom we both see each other as sisters expressed to me that I should write my life story down that encompasses everything (well except for things I have non-disclosure agreements for e.g. work done for the military as a contracter). My first thought was there are many others like me, what makes my story different. She said that 1. did it at the right time 2. did not let anything stop me 3. had a positive attitude. Event with that there are still many like me so I am asking what others think.

Here in the UK, the Women & Equalities Select Committee (a government thing) has been conducting an inquiry into trans* issues for around six months. Last week, they published their much-anticipated report on their findings and their recommendations. Rumours had already abounded regarding the recommendations their report was likely to make, and it turns out most of the rumours were true. So, maybe life will get a little easier for trans* people over here, if any of those recommendations are taken forward by the government. I certainly hope so. I spent a couple of hours yesterday, reading through the report from start to finish. It took a while because it was lengthy, but they seem to have covered most of the things I was expecting, such as how the National Health Service is failing us, and in fact, discriminating against us, how the Prison Service needs to be reformed, how education - in schools, colleges, universities, the NHS, the government departments - everywhere, basically - has to improve. How non-binary people are discriminated against in ways that are just too heartless for me to find the words. Most of their recommendations are sensible, long-overdue, and not difficult to implement. Other countries have already implemented such simple changes as self-determination of gender identity, making the processes in England (and Wales to some extent) outdated and discriminatory. Currently, as the process stands here, I will have to wait 17 months for my initial appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic that I've been referred to, rather than the required maximum waiting time for any NHS appointment of 18 weeks. Once I finally get to see someone at that GIC, I then have an assessment process that will take between three and six months, after which someone will decide whether I have 'gender dysphoria' and am in fact transgender, as I claim to be. They will decide that - not me - and their decision will determine whether I get any treatment. That means, time elapsed could be close to two years before someone tells me whether I'm a good candidate for testosterone treatment. Then, as I understand it, they will suggest to me that - if I am hoping for any kind of surgery - I should try living 'in role' so that I can prepare myself for how it will feel to be 'male' for the rest of my life. Pfft! I believe I know what it feels like to be male. That's the whole point! And I've been living as male for a f'kin long time already! I may have only 'officially' changed my name last November, but what's a name anyway? I could have chosen a gender neutral name if I'd wanted to. And, at the moment, while I'm already dressing in my male clothing, with my male haircut, and my male mannerisms and my male name, I wonder if I should have done that - chosen a gender neutral name. Because I know what people see when they look at me. Because I can still see it, too. I have a female face. I look like a drag king. Or maybe I look like a butch lesbian. Or perhaps, to some people, I look androgynous. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm actually getting more anxious now, knowing that I am on a waiting list and that it's such a f'kin long wait. My 'dysphoria' (I hate that word!) has actually become worse as I think about how far away that appointment is. I spent a chunk of time yesterday looking online for what I know is illegal T. And looking for the so-called 'natural' alternatives to T. I need to do something. I can't wait two years. Dammit! What started out as a fairly positive post ended up as a miserable one. I'm sorry. My original purpose when I started to write this was to say how pleased I was after reading the Inquiry report. How optimistic it had made me feel. How, I had started to think that, by the time I do get to see someone in the GIC, the laws may have changed, or the waiting lists may have shrunk. Or that the government and the medical profession might have actually stopped thinking of 'gender dysphoria' as a mental illness. I'm not mentally ill. I'm certainly not mentally unstable. My problem is that I have the wrong sex organs, that's all.

I really don't want to vote Karen, if I voted no I'd feel that I was being negative, and if I voted yes and your story didn't sell I'd feel that I advised you incorrectly. Let me say this, there is a hell of a lot of hard work involved in writing a story about your life (biography), and as you have correctly said it's been done before. However there is a book over here called "Becoming Drusilla" please read it, and see that it was not an autobiographical tale, it was written by Dru's friend Richard Beard, who knew Dru as Andrew prior to transition. He at first had a hard time with accepting Dru, after all she was very much mechanically minded, and the type of person - similar to myself in fact - that can fix most things. They used to go on long walks in the countryside backpacking with lightweight tents, so in the book they did it again but this time with Dru fully transitioned...... I doubt that has been done in the US, and I doubt that many US citizens will have read "Becoming Drusilla", so perhaps doing your story from a similar second party perspective might work? Cheers, Eve

I don't know if this article will help you. I most certainly hope it provides some solace and maybe, inspiration.

Jay, No, you're most definitely not mentally ill and clearly in need of support by your NHS. I don't care for the term 'dysphoria' either since, for me, I have less dysphoria with my male birth sex and am so tormented by almost continual thoughts and desires to be female. So I'm stuck in the middle if you will. Anyway, back to you. Given the TG "support" situation by the NHS it's perfectly understandable that you're upset, possibly depressed, and certainly anxious and frustrated. I wonder if you have considered seeing a therapist to at least have a sounding board for what you're going through and maybe come up with some strategies and ideas for coping? (Apologies if you've already written about this in the past - it's hard for me to remember everyone's histories!) Regardless, it's always good to hear from you. Hugs, Emma

The only other person I know of who celebrates two birthdays per year, off the top of my head, is our queen. So does that make you Royalty now?

Good afternoon/Morning/Evening everyone. It's been a long while since my last blog entry but I didnt have much of anything I felt that needed to be said at the time. But I did actually promise to share the colorings I'd been doing of Mandalas. So first off, as promised, here are the photo. This one was done 90% by Ren. This one by myself. This one by Ren himself. And this one we did together. Otherwise, there has not been very much worth reporting on. Aside from getting to know my alt-companions. There seems to be five of us in total. Myself and Ren to start with, since I am the "shepard alt" and he is the host. One girl, Abby or Abriella. She is very rough around the edges, foul mouthed and stubborn as any. But I have no worries of her causing us, the body, or others any distress. She's just.....mouthy. Apparently, being the same age as Ren and I. Then there is the silent one, Mathias. Perhaps about eighteen years old, it seems. His english seems to lack and I'm not sure why that is, being that he should be an alternate personality of Ren. But he tends to be aggressive and demanding. But 80% of the time, he is unheard and unseen. He likes to remain in shadow it seems. Then there is, my personal favorite companion (he visits my headspace often if I allow it), Milo. He was first convinced to have the name Ren or Renny, and did not understand fully the situation until I explained in detail. Milo chose his name himself, taken from his favorite Disney Film, Atlantis, after Milo Thatch. He wishes to be called Milo Dean Thatch, in turn. Milo is particularly special to me, not only for his unique way of actions but because he is also much younger than the rest of us. I do see him as the child side of Ren. Very open minded, energetic and talkative. He's still struggling to understand what it means to be an alt, but he has come along nicely. I know this must all seem very strange to some of you readers, if anyone reads this at all to be certain. But my little mental family is rather nice now that I'm not alone. I do not think I was always alone in here, I think that we (Ren and myself) simply were not in a position yet where we could hear them. We weren't ready, it seems. Hopefully this 'system' does not get any larger, as the noise has become unbarable at times. So loud and clattered together like an orchestra on it's lunch break. But I will make due. Milo calls us the "Systematics Family". Oddly, we all have differing last names. Abriella Marilyn Dahlia. Alexandru Dorian Vlk. Warren Renexius Ornan G____. Milo Dean Thatch. Mathias...well, Mathias has no middle or last name. He simply calls himself Mathias. Strange fellow....Has a sort of Persian feel which is odd to me since Warren is in no way of Persian decent. He at least has Romanian blood in him, which would account for my own self if you do not see reincarnation as a fit description. Hmm...something to think on. Well! I suppose this is where I leave you. I'm off to go and find something entertaining to do in Sims 4, perhaps do some more mandalas later before sleeping for work. I hope that you all are very well! Tired but strangely very awake, Xan Side note: I finally got my hands on a piece of Baklava! Oh happy me! I was giddy the whole way home until I could have some. Ren teased me with it for hours so he could eat his calzone first, making me wait impatiently for my first bite in---oh Goddess knows how long! It's much sweeter than I remember, but oh does it bring back memories....I'll be snacking on it now and again for a good part of today and tomorrow, too sweet to eat all at once! Added Side note: Finally remembered what else I was going to note. Mood swings!! Oh I cannot even begin to discover what the cause could be. At the most random times with no warning and no foreseeable cause, I get so agitated and aggrivated at the silliest things! My sweater is too tight, the car is too hot, little noises are being bothersome, the internet not working--it could be anything! Ive found myself seconds from snapping Ren's ipod in half just out of pure irritation from wifi signals not coming through. I'm not sure what's come over me! Then after a brisk walk in the fresh air or something to take my mind off it---I'm right as rain. So odd!

Your mandalas are truly beautiful. Works of art in every sense of the phrase. I enjoy reading your posts, not only because you always have something interesting to say, but because of the poetry inherent in the words you choose to express yourself.

I'm pleased for you Christie, no more hoops to jump through, go get it before they change their minds.

That was my first Christmas as a man. Officially, that is. Unofficially, I've been that way for years But all the documentation, and the websites, and the bank cards and credit cards that I have in my possession, showing my new, real name, they all tell me that I'm officially a man now. (Notwithstanding the fact that my birth certificate still says "girl" on it, but it'll be a long time before that gets changed, so I'm not counting that). I've just changed my gender on here, in that little dropdown thingy on the profile page. That's a technical term, for all the non-IT people out there - "dropdown thingy" I just changed it. From "Transgender" to "Male". Because when I logged in, I looked at my profile and thought, "My gender isn't transgender. That's an adjective to describe me, maybe, but it's not my gender." At best I would choose "Trans male" if it was there, or "Trans man". Or maybe "AFAB". But, hey, I'm male and I'm proud of it. So I changed the dropdown thingy. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone on here a fabulous 2016 and I hope it brings each and every one of you everything you desire. Personally, I desire the T, but I'm in for a long wait, it seems. Maybe this time next year my voice will be a little deeper and I'll be moaning about having to shave every morning before I go to work, but who knows...? Hey... and before I forget... if anyone in the UK happens to read this and they are planning a visit to Sparkle 2016, and they feel inclined to have a wee dram or a cup of tea with a Mancunian who is also planning a visit to Sparkle 2016... well, as long as you're not an axe murderer or something... My thanks go to all you guys and girls who have provided such valuable advice to me this year. Much respect. And hugs. Ok, maybe just one hug. A quick one. Before anyone sees. Have a Happy New Year. xx

Well Jay that reminds me to check out my own profile, it probably still says Transgender, I just hadn't thought about it, you're absolutely correct of course. It's nice to recieve some wisdom...........thanks. Don't think I'll be going to Sparkle this year but if I do I'll drop you a line. But I do plan on going to the Brighton Trans Pride 22nd to 24th July, I've never been to this festival before, and i think that I need to attend the famous festivals at least once, Sparkle was last year.......... Eve