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Happy to report that I am having excellent results losing weight. Over the past two months have lost all the weight I put on since gender reassignment surgery which was 20 pounds. I do believe my eating habits were good most of the time but think that hormones played a factor here coupled with a pre-existing thyroid issue. To get where I am, greatly increased water consumption, run one hour four nights a week, no fast food were contributing factors. My weight history, was 130LB in 2000, thyroid issues kicked in and went to 160LB because the doctor could not control it but they finally did. For almost 10 years I kept gaining weight but to look at me as a male there was no pot belly or tell-tale signs of my weight. Hormones did not help in any of this. Back in September I weighed 198LB. Currently I am at 178LB and my goal is 140LB before the end of this year but will accept 150LB nothing higher. Over the past few weeks I have been telling people about me losing weight and get the stock reply, you are thin why do you want to lose weight. My reply is for health and to feel better slipping into skimpy clothes. So for the past several years I worked at gender surgery and I was tenacious until surgery was done. I am applying the same for losing weight. Now it's out there which is another motivator and hope that what I have done and currently doing might inspire others if they don't see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

On February 8 I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss top surgery I'd have to wait until August for insurance to cover, but I wanted to start seeing what's involved. He's in Albany, but that's not too far and he's in-Network for insurance. Unrelated - today in Jersey City

Whats all ya'll, hows it going? Not too much going on over here, pretty uneventful which is pretty good considering what could be going on Though I'll admit that this week has been pretty harsh on me for somewhat unreasonable reasons. Death of celebreties usually ends up being over publisized and over thought of and etc, and a lot of people just get so sick and tired of hearing about a star who passed away. But to people like me, who never really attached themselves to people near them and instead bonded to people on the screen as their imaginary family, hearing about these things can be very upsetting. The day Robin Williams died, I probably cried for three days straight. When my father passed away, Robin Williams was my rock. He was my world, and he kept me from self harming so many many times that when he died, a part of me died. Knowing that he'd comitted suicide also was a huge kick in the face, knowing that a man who helped so many many people somehow forgot to help himself in the process...I'm not over it. I'm still not over it. Robin Williams meant so much to me, even if we never met. To this day, I still cannot watch any films with him in it. It just hurts too much.... Heath Ledger, a man who taught me courage and probably the first person I ever had a crush on. A man who I admired greatly and memorized all of his lines for almost all his movies, capturing his audience in all that he did. Especially when he took the bravery of taking on a role in Brokeback Mountain, which was a huge thump in my heart considering I was battling with my own sexuality...Seeing that he voiced his opinion about it, that it was NOTHING to be afraid or ashamed of....as odd as it sounds, it helped. He was like a big brother to me. And now..David Bowie and Alan Rickman. David Bowie always made me feel good. A huge LGBT Advocate and shameless spokesperson, not to mention a brilliant artist and actor. And the most haunting part is that when I was reading on my phone that David Bowie had passed away, I was at work on break and started to cry. And what made me stop crying and stare in shock and admiration, was that in that instant--my ipod (which was on shuffle) went to David Bowie's song "Within you".To this day, it gives me chills. I know I will always miss him greatly, but it is a different kind of sadness. I know he was suffering from cancer, and that he can now be happy and free. He's probably having the best possible time up there, jamming with Freddie Mercury. I'm happy that he's been set free at last, but sad by his departure. And now, Alan Rickman has passed away from cancer as well. A man I always looked up to as an uncle. An extremely misunderstood Professor Snape (Harry Potter). A very sad and lonely Elliot Martson(Quigly Down Under). A greedy but loveable Judge Turpin (Sweeney Todd) .A robber, a villian, a hero--the roles are endless. Justin caught hold of something interesting though. Alan Rickman died at 69 years old to Cancer, a few days after his birthday.. David Bowie at 69 years old to Cancer, a few days after his birthday. Lemmy from Motorhead at 70 years old, also to Cancer. It's nothing too phenominon, but it certainly caught our attention. Bad news always comes in threes. I hope this is true, and that we're finished with such bad news so early in the year...at least for a while. My heart aches for their families and fans.. That's all for now. I have another subject I'd like to talk about, but I'll put it in a seperate posting. Your bud, Ren

...therapy... I know what works for me. The best therapy for me is immersing myself in my music or my painting or my writing. So I just bought myself a new synthesizer. It was either that or download a shed load of new music. And I've spent quite enough money on music downloads lately. I seem to have lost my muse when it comes to writing. The stories are in my head, but they aren't making it onto the virtual paper of my computer screen, for some reason. It's annoying; having all these tales rattling around inside my brain but unable to get them out. I have this one story on my mind at the moment that is almost perfectly formed. I have the characters, the storyline, a lot of the dialogue and most of the action between the two main protagonists, but each time I sit down to write it, there's a block - and I sit, staring at the screen, thinking, "How do I start?" It's stupid. I know the whole story; I know how it starts, how they develop their relationship, how their tale ends. But can I get it out of my brain? Nope. The last time I had a block like this, I worked out what I'd done wrong. On that particular story, I had backed myself into a corner, leaving me with a chapter I knew I had to write, but unable to get it out. So I went back and changed the previous two chapters, allowing me to then attack that next chapter differently. It worked. But now, if I can't even make a start on this new story, I can't get myself out of the corner. And these two characters are occupying my dreams as well as my waking mind, so I have to do something about them soon. Otherwise, I may have lost one of my therapies for a while. Maybe that's why I'm rambling on here. Sorry

I no longer have any desire to see a "therapist". I think it will perpetuate the medical profession's opinion that I somehow have a mental illness if I sign up for that. It's hard enough to get the medical types to take us seriously as it is. I have friends to talk to, I have my husband, and I have my FTM support group. For now, that will suffice, I think. At one point, I thought it might have been a good idea to talk to a stranger about stuff, but... no. I don't want to. Not anymore. I know that at some point, I will have to sit in front of one, while they ask me probing and insensitive questions about my sex life, my sexuality, my body image, my feelings, what I had for breakfast. But I'm prepared for that because it's part of the process I have to undertake, if I'm ever going to get the treatment I need, want, desire, whatever you wanna call it. I've heard horrible stories about the kind of questions they ask and how seemingly irrelevant they can be. And having to answer questions like that makes me shiver. But it has to be done at some point. I'm resigned to that. Until that day comes, I'll stick to my current support network.

Jay, I wonder why you wrote this. What was the context? Is someone suggesting that you see a therapist? Or, as you contemplate more steps along your journey you know that your medical establishment will insist on it for some sort of approval? Anyway, as you say, to each his own! If you don't feel the need, don't go, because unless you have a need driven by some inner concern or turmoil, what would you even talk about? But I will say that it's doubtful that they would ask "insensitive questions" should you go. In my experience (with so many over, my goodness, thirty years off and on) they typically just ask what is going on for me, and only ask questions for clarification. That said, I have found good ones and better ones. Some I connect to better than others. We are all people and there needs to be a chemistry of trust, respect (mutual), and faith that he/she has the wherewithal to help. Unfortunately that can take a while to determine, so it is an investment of time and money. I was also surprised to learn at least for me that therapy isn't like debugging a program or typo: identify the problem, determine the fix, and voila! All done and repaired. Nope, doesn't work that way. It's much more subtle and gradual. Maybe that is just my experience. I carried such a heavy load of shame and guilt over my TG feelings, and depression. The lifting of that load wasn't even obvious to me while it was happening. And then I started to wonder, is it happening? I'm feeling a little better, maybe this is a result? Indeed, after more time and sessions with my therapist, I can say that it has. Please know that I am most definitely not advising you to see one. I just wanted to share my experience in the hopes that, should you ever feel the need, this might help you. Hugs, Emma

You're a shining example to us all Karen, I just got back from cycling 30 mins ago! Must try to drink more water!!!! Hugs, Eve

For me it was Whitney Houston. To this day it hurts to think that she is gone. Even with her later music, when her voice wasn't what it had been, i couldn't listen to her without feeling something, and that is truly a gift.

That's wonderful - congrats!

HI Jay, It doesn't sound to me like you've lost your muse as much as you've gotten stuck in getting started, into the flow of writing. It's hard to fill up that blank screen. I found what often works for me is to turn away from the computer and use paper and pen. That was surprising for me because it's much slower. But, it's like my psyche knows it's okay if I make a mistake. I just cross it out and keep writing. And soon, the flow just begins and I can choose to stay on the paper or return to the computer. Give that a try! Emma

Well my partner writes, she talks with other writers she met on courses and gatherings etc., they help one another are you in such a group? Can put you in touch with my partner if you like? Oh I 'd just add that some of them are from different countries even, let alone scattered around the UK. Hugs, Eve

Here in the UK, the Women & Equalities Select Committee (a government thing) has been conducting an inquiry into trans* issues for around six months. Last week, they published their much-anticipated report on their findings and their recommendations. Rumours had already abounded regarding the recommendations their report was likely to make, and it turns out most of the rumours were true. So, maybe life will get a little easier for trans* people over here, if any of those recommendations are taken forward by the government. I certainly hope so. I spent a couple of hours yesterday, reading through the report from start to finish. It took a while because it was lengthy, but they seem to have covered most of the things I was expecting, such as how the National Health Service is failing us, and in fact, discriminating against us, how the Prison Service needs to be reformed, how education - in schools, colleges, universities, the NHS, the government departments - everywhere, basically - has to improve. How non-binary people are discriminated against in ways that are just too heartless for me to find the words. Most of their recommendations are sensible, long-overdue, and not difficult to implement. Other countries have already implemented such simple changes as self-determination of gender identity, making the processes in England (and Wales to some extent) outdated and discriminatory. Currently, as the process stands here, I will have to wait 17 months for my initial appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic that I've been referred to, rather than the required maximum waiting time for any NHS appointment of 18 weeks. Once I finally get to see someone at that GIC, I then have an assessment process that will take between three and six months, after which someone will decide whether I have 'gender dysphoria' and am in fact transgender, as I claim to be. They will decide that - not me - and their decision will determine whether I get any treatment. That means, time elapsed could be close to two years before someone tells me whether I'm a good candidate for testosterone treatment. Then, as I understand it, they will suggest to me that - if I am hoping for any kind of surgery - I should try living 'in role' so that I can prepare myself for how it will feel to be 'male' for the rest of my life. Pfft! I believe I know what it feels like to be male. That's the whole point! And I've been living as male for a f'kin long time already! I may have only 'officially' changed my name last November, but what's a name anyway? I could have chosen a gender neutral name if I'd wanted to. And, at the moment, while I'm already dressing in my male clothing, with my male haircut, and my male mannerisms and my male name, I wonder if I should have done that - chosen a gender neutral name. Because I know what people see when they look at me. Because I can still see it, too. I have a female face. I look like a drag king. Or maybe I look like a butch lesbian. Or perhaps, to some people, I look androgynous. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm actually getting more anxious now, knowing that I am on a waiting list and that it's such a f'kin long wait. My 'dysphoria' (I hate that word!) has actually become worse as I think about how far away that appointment is. I spent a chunk of time yesterday looking online for what I know is illegal T. And looking for the so-called 'natural' alternatives to T. I need to do something. I can't wait two years. Dammit! What started out as a fairly positive post ended up as a miserable one. I'm sorry. My original purpose when I started to write this was to say how pleased I was after reading the Inquiry report. How optimistic it had made me feel. How, I had started to think that, by the time I do get to see someone in the GIC, the laws may have changed, or the waiting lists may have shrunk. Or that the government and the medical profession might have actually stopped thinking of 'gender dysphoria' as a mental illness. I'm not mentally ill. I'm certainly not mentally unstable. My problem is that I have the wrong sex organs, that's all.

My best female friend whom we both see each other as sisters expressed to me that I should write my life story down that encompasses everything (well except for things I have non-disclosure agreements for e.g. work done for the military as a contracter). My first thought was there are many others like me, what makes my story different. She said that 1. did it at the right time 2. did not let anything stop me 3. had a positive attitude. Event with that there are still many like me so I am asking what others think.

I really don't want to vote Karen, if I voted no I'd feel that I was being negative, and if I voted yes and your story didn't sell I'd feel that I advised you incorrectly. Let me say this, there is a hell of a lot of hard work involved in writing a story about your life (biography), and as you have correctly said it's been done before. However there is a book over here called "Becoming Drusilla" please read it, and see that it was not an autobiographical tale, it was written by Dru's friend Richard Beard, who knew Dru as Andrew prior to transition. He at first had a hard time with accepting Dru, after all she was very much mechanically minded, and the type of person - similar to myself in fact - that can fix most things. They used to go on long walks in the countryside backpacking with lightweight tents, so in the book they did it again but this time with Dru fully transitioned...... I doubt that has been done in the US, and I doubt that many US citizens will have read "Becoming Drusilla", so perhaps doing your story from a similar second party perspective might work? Cheers, Eve

Same thoughts as for Christie, Veronica.................don't hang about giving them time to welch out of paying.

Hello again lol So I have something I wanna talk about. Anxiety at work. This came to mind shortly after watching a bit of a recent movie (cant remember the name of it. Something to do with a woman working in fast food, getting fired, then robbing the place). It really brought up some memories of my first time working for Dunkin Donuts. My anxiety disorder was basically ruling my life at that point, but I desperatly needed a job and I was willing to take what I could get. Sadly, it ended up being Dunkin Donuts. After a ton of hassle about tests and blah blah blah, I was finally hired to do prep work, cleaning and register. It was alright at first. Nerve wracking, sure. But all new jobs are I guess. Anyway, they started me off with mopping and cleaning the back areas, and doing dish washing. Those things I was great at because my anxiety was low considering I was in the back room AWAY from people. No problem! But noooo they wanted me to learn more stuff so they put me on donut prep. That was fine...whatever. But my boss would nag me about mopping and whatnot, and one day I foolishly was mopping in the wrong direction and pinned myself in a dirty corner with a clean room. My boss came in and gave me hell, amping up my anxiety, and making me feel stupid for "not even knowing how to mop." I knew how to mop....I just messed up that one day. Give me a break! But this wasnt good enough...."It's time you learned the register". I cannot even tell you in detail about how it went because I blanked out more times than I can remember. The anxiety of trying to learn the computer and cash and do math while people are barking orders and specific coffee needs was just waaaay too much. I eventually caved, unable to function, and asked someone else to take over. OR, I'd get pushed out of the way for holding up the lines. As a sort of punishment, I was told to "mop the freezers". NO ONE specified that I had to use special mopping solution for the freezer.....I swear they did it just to make me look stupid. So I was stuck working late, mopping a freezer, leaving pieces of the blue mop all over the freezer floor as the water froze on contact and tore it apart. I felt so stupid..I couldnt get it off the floor. And no one offered any help with it either. The next day I was called on my cellphone by my boss. "You dont need to come into work today. We wont be needing your services anymore". And when I asked what I did wrong, she simply said "We're overstaffed." Overstaffed.....I'd only been there two weeks! All because my anxiety couldnt let me breathe enough to learn what needed to be done. I came in that week to drop off my apron and hat, after spending over 40$ on stupid specific shirts that THEY wanted me to wear that I didnt have and THEY wouldnt help me pay for. And you know what I saw? Three new people. Overstaffing my ass! My point is, a lot of places that you work in sadly do not understand what it means to have an employee with an Anxiety disorder. And instead of slowing down and taking the extra minute to explain slowly and letting their employees ease into it, theyd rather just replace them. Thankfully in this day and age, with the anxiety and transgender issues coming out more and more in the work force, employers are being a little better about it. My new job as a security guard has been beyond amazing in this! I confessed immediatly to my boss (because I liked her right away about how open she was) about having an Anxiety Disorder and being Transgender. She nodded and understood, telling me that I'm going to mess up a lot and that's okay, and she'll be patient. She said it doesnt matter if I'm transgender because she respects me as a man as long as I respect her as a woman. She's never messed up on my pronouns on purpose, and if she messed up, she immediatly has corrected herself and apologized. When I felt anxious and was messing up on things, she took a step back and said "take a deep breath. Think about what you did wrong. How can you correct it for next time?" And I did. It's been amazing. And I'm seeing a newer, more efficiant side of myself now that I'm able to step back, take a breath, and try again. She can see in my face when I'm being overwhelmed and will ask me to do something else, knowing that I'm reaching my limit of functional comprehension. I cannot possibly express how much I appreciate everything that the people at Proctor have done for me....I love where I work. But you have to go through some SERIOUSLY bad apples in order to find something worth doing. Something you love doing. Of course you'll get tired and wanna do something different now and then, but if you are asked "Do you like your job?" and do not hesitate to say yes...you're doing just fine. My time as a chef was more or less a living hell at times. I can honestly say now that it fueled a large part of my depression and self harm, leaving my work station to hide in the bathroom just to self harm. The constant crowd of faces surrounding me at all times made my heart go on overdrive, sweating despite feeling cold, being angry all the time because I had no other way to express how I was unable to deal with my job. Running (literally at times) to get things done and still being told "you dont do anything". Being told that the problem was not the fact that I was being bullied, pushed around or slapped with transphobia--that the problem was me. Just me, and no one and nothing else. And when I sat in tears after writing a letter to the superviser about the treatment I'd recieved, I instead was pulled into the office and made to feel like I'm a horrible person and that I'm blaming everyone else for my problems and that it was ME who needed to change. I smile and play nice, but to this day...I hate them for it. Because of how they treated me and how they refused to see the abuse I was going through....they literally almost killed me. I almost hope one of them sees this. I dont want you to have to apologize. I dont want you to have to come up to me and beg forgiveness. I just want you to acknowledge what you did, and what you didnt do to help. That's all. Instead of making me look like a loser who quit because I couldnt "handle it". You should consider yourselves lucky that I didnt take further action beyond your own little house of control on either myself or others in that building. It came pretty close, I wont lie.... But thank you. For showing me the door. Because I found something better. Something I ENJOY doing, people who understand me and appreciate what I do. Sincerely, Ren BTW: Dunkin Donuts are all premade, frozen,and laid out overnight to thaw before you eat them. The ovens never get cleaned and there are so many chemicals in your coffee coolatas, its amazing they still have living customers.

I was on another site for trans and cross-dressers and read the following line. The problem is that you can only hold beach ball under water in the deep end of the pool for so long. It eventually will slip out of your hands and rise to the surface. It will probably also hit your chin and hurt you on its way. That is a great line when at least thinking of myself prior to surgery and I am betting many before and after surgery can relate to this. Think I was just about there for the chin shot but happily avoided it. If you have done research for many it's a sledge hammer early on before having much life experience which can lead to dark thoughts and physical pain while others will endure until no matter how much of an effort is put forth the ball comes up.