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I'm sorry, I need a few days to digest. You are the one who taught me I can't keep secrets in a marriage or tell white lies to you, and that hit hard to find out you'd promised me no secrets and there was this big one, but I mostly understand now. Fear is strong. Thank you for giving me the time to sort out the anger and trust issues you hit before we really talked a lot so that I was able to talk and really hear you and not be wigged out by the issues you'd poked at. I know the first few days i was quiet and weird and in my head a lot. I needed that time to think through all that and what questions I wanted to ask. You are very kind to leave out my emotional meltdown in the middle of the closet nearly derailing everything. At least I didn't find out about his passing til after vacation where we were really working on everything between us. And as usual you were awesome at the comfort thing. I'm really really glad you liked the necklace. It sparkled at me and reminded me so strongly of the things Grandpa used to give me, that I knew you had to have one too. Those sorts of things remind me of that unconditional love and amazing grace that my grandpa had. I'm sorry works sucks. And for the record, I have a thing about water balloons. I have zero destructive feelings towards the breast forms, it's just water balloons make me craving throwing them and watching them explode. Nikki has been expecially nice to me so I'll at least let him turn on the bathroom space heater and get in the shower before I throw them at him. Honest!

emma, I love the openness, support, and wisdom you and many others are expressing. I just wanted to add a few little things - like how wonderful you are and supportive to everyone else, so I'm glad you said how you felt and reached out when you needed it. sometimes I'm too sensitive too, but I like and prefers others like me in that way. also, besides being part of a special group here with added vulnerabilities, I want to assure you that others outside our group are also way more sensitive, insecure, and vulnerable than they appear. in particular, some of the people I've known that appear the most phenomenally together, successful, and happy with themselves and their lives turn out to be ones with the biggest, most difficult inner struggles and insecurities, even though hardly anyone knows it. we all second-guess and criticize ourselves at times. sometimes, it may be self-defeating, but sometimes it's part of soul searching or something we need go through to finally come back to reassuring ourselves that we are on the best path for ourselves. sometimes we don't know things for sure without questioning them. sometimes, it covers over other feelings, like such as fear or sadness over the loss of something being left behind. still, I love veronica's quote, don't kick your own ass! the universe has first dibbs! - bluemoon

Feel whatever you feel! This is your life, and you're right to your feelings! Saying to someone 'you're too sensitive' is really saying 'I can't be bothered atually behaving like a decent person and respecting others, or taking responsibility for my poor behavior, so I'll blame you so that i don't have to feel bad'. The only person who can determine when sensitivity is a problem is the person feeling it. Have a hug from me. EVERYONE is affected by what they wear. Males and females alike, and for everyone it's a different degree. For me it's a mild mood changer, I suspect now that for Nikki it's a much bigger thing. Neither of us is abnormal, just differently responsive. Enjoy those dresses! I'll cheer you on! I'm scared too. But that's okay. Fear is a survival instinct, but the modern world seems to forget that. It's okay to be scared, it's mental purpose is to make us be careful and aware of dangers around us. Only you can know if fear is ruling your life, or enhancing it, and only you can know when too scared isn't okay. I found for me, sharing the scared helps! If it helps you, you can always share it with me. Mods bloody well do cry. I won't pretend I don't feel a pressure to be 'professional and fair' in places I've had the pleasure/obligation to mod, but you still get to be yourself! There is no should in feelings. We feel what we feel. Then we have to decide what to do with those feelings. But there is no one in the world who can emotion on demand, even actors have to work for it. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for having an amazing, complicated, confusing organ we call brains. Brains are a lot of work. They do things we will never consciously understand. THey absorb everything, and react to all that information. None of us control them, they control us because they are what makes us. Walk whatever road you choose, feel however about it you choose, and I'm just happy I have this chance to know you and become friends!

Porbably not, I'm demonic when my hands are on water ballons. Something about them....

Wow, you made those? They're beautiful! I wonder how you do it. They are so detailed. They must take a long time to make; that looks like a years worth. Hugs, Emma

HI Alexandru, Thank you for your post. It's important for all to increase awareness that we can't choose what we are. Too easy to say "just stop it" for those who don't experience or have any concept of our experience. But that response is painful. As if to tell us (you) to shut up, you're bothering me. Well, you're not bothering me whatsoever. I hope your blog and our responses help you find peace. I mean that. Hugs, Emma

Dear Ren, my young friend, You look fantastic in your photo! And glad to hear you're doing so well. I also go to see a chiropractor when needed. They do a world of good. My GP recommended I see one several years ago instead of a "back doctor" who, he said, would likely want to operate and would just cause more damage. I really think he was correct. I'm also glad that my donation to you is helping, both mentally and hopefully soon, for your surgery or whatever you need it for. Does this mean GoFundMe is no longer accepting funds for you? I was hoping that people would start to see your balance increasing and they'd start to follow. Anyway, stay well and don't be a stranger. You're too cool for school, Ren! Warm hugs, Emma

brie, that is so sweet about the necklace. another amazing storyline. nikki, aren't you going to fight back?

Thank you so much! Nikki can be really hard to read sometimes, he's always been so shy even I Have trouble dragging the real Nikki out where I can see. I'm gonna kill someone if those breast forms don't come soon, he's so excited to have them and I want to see the smile. Squirrels scare me now. When we lived in REALLY SMALL TOWN (astonishingly small, I swear it was like five long streets by 11 parallel short streets) there was a squirrel that would attack us outside our apartment with rocks or ice balls. Then there was the one at a different apartment that would scrabble at the window trying to bite me while I was in my computer chair by the window. We have one here that chases our dog and scares her witless. Squirrels are scary! LOL I'm just as lucky to have Nikki. He was in the middle of the closet when I got a tweet that a good mmo friend of mine has passed, and I had a total breakdown and closet work had to halt and he put me back together. I knew he was sick, but it never makes it any better. My grumpy Scottish Dwarf is gone, and my heart is broken for a grieving period. Nikki is wonderful about making me feel better when I'm broken. He's also wonderful at dealing with me when my add is acting up, or the dismorphia, and he doesn't mind that I'm really messed up some days, he tells me I'm his perfect turtle anyway. And when my dad called me stupid on Facebook, he went into crazy I'm going to kill you if you talk to her like that mode. He's kind of amazing, he can hide behind me when the world is hurting him and let me defend him, and then can switch to defense mode and protect me when I'm in trouble. I think I'd be on the floor still right now if not for him.

Yes even after 3 years of oestrogen and 15 months of decapeptyl, I still fight the urge to cry, such is the power of societal conditioning. It's so hard to instantly change one's sub-conscious values, that have been learnt over such a long period of time.....................................................

"I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry." --Emma Yes, even mods cry. I don't like to cry. Don't like to admit that I do. I've denied it when I've been caught. I fight it when the urge to do so hits me. Crying gives me a headache. Maybe 'cause I fight it. But sometimes... we have to have an outlet. And sometimes...the only outlet, is to cry. -Michael

Great post, Emma! A moving one, with which I and I would think many others identify. It sounds banal to say 'be yourself' ; it's hard to have confidence in the power to be just that. Doubt is appropriate in this confusing world. It's hard to distinguish appropriate doubt from under-confidence. (one can wonder about the extent to which being trans is likely to lead to both appropriate doubt and under-confidence). You are exceptionally thoughtful in your dialog with others, so your communication is certainly not 'all about you'. But it is appropriate for your blog to be 'all about you'. Love to you honey, Debs xx