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Thank you so much Blue. I think I just accepted the dynamic over the years that this is what is with us that I never really had occasion to question my increasing issue in the marriage. Sometimes I"m remarkably not in touch with myself. But him rising up past his comfort zones to come to my rescue when I need it is so huge to me. I have an amazing spouse. I really do.

bree,so much of your focus has been on nikki and meeting nikki's needs and that makes sense at the very beginning of the initial revelation. now, though, there has to be a place for both you meeting your needs and each other's on an ongoing basis, so I'm glad you're finding your voice or word to help you in that. that's sort of a second phase now with the new or changing nikki who has never been openly in a relationship to learn to share, not just feelings but understanding of you and your needs, and new for you to deal with that entity or aspect while staying true to yourself too. I think you are doing wonderfully in that incredibly challenging process which draws so heavily on every form of communication.

Oh, shopping for me triggers my body dismorphia like crazy. Shopping to me is a fairly traumatic event that i try to do in secret shame at my computer as often as possible. In fact, most of the stuff I have that actually looks nice and isn't catering to my let me be invisible weirdness is stuff Nikki picked out for me. It's a weakness for me, so Nikki is going to start doing the shopping for us both in general since he genuinely enjoys it and I will work on my dismorphia first by tackling this rowing machine thing and working to being able to join a gym and work in front of others. One step at a time. I lifted the ban I had on him photographing me, and am learning to embrace the feeling of watching him point the camera at me. I still have problems LOOKING at the pictures, but getting there. Conquering our issues together and easing each other into things is really helping both of us. And Nikki has a firm grasp of what I actually actively hate in clothes, we went thorugh a ton of clothing magazines together so he could unlcok some inner secret Bree sense of style I don't even know I have. LOL

I had Nikki read my blog and then I word vomited incoherently at him and answered questions. Nikki fully agreed he can't tell between Bree is in full control of this crap and Bree is drowning and needs protection. So we have a I need a breather or time out safe word for the new changes, which I'm proud to report I have not needed, so if I'm in a situation I need to visually and emotionally see that he's got my back I can 'mango' and he'll get involved. I honestly didn't even know what was wrong with me inside until the right conversations about Nikki came together with the external stimulus in the right way to have an Ah Ha moment. Just knowing one word and I won't be alone eases the fear response to let me help him help me. You guys are such wonderful friends and really help me when I'm lost. Thank you! I'm nowhere near as strong as even Nikki thought. I just learned to refuse to give the world the satisfaction. You are all helping me sort through these. Things so that I can really can be a shinier healthier Bree to better support my Nikki.

I agree completely with Steff. I don't have time right now to write much. I agree with your idea to print out your post and share it with Nikki. What better way to break the ice on such an important conversation? The important thing is to concentrate on your feelings, not so much on what you think Nikki should or should not do. Let her realize the depth of your feelings and see if you can both think of ways to adapt and cope. Hugs, Emma

Hiya Briannah. You Do Not have Any reason, to be ashamed of being You. If it is of any help, I do Understand A.D.D. We have 3 Young Son's, who are All on The Autistic Spectrum, in varying degrees, and the middle one, has more A.D.H.D. ( Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder ; than Autism. So living with that everyday, I do have some understanding Bree. I think You are doing the right thing, by writing in this Forum. You need to talk, and You have done really well, doing All the research, that You have already. Briannah, We are here for You and Nikki. ( Never think that You are on Your own ! ). Briannah, Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx